To notice happiest mothers single with good shared care

[brasty]

The happiest mothers I know are those who are single, but have shared care with their ex, and their ex looks after their DC properly. I know a few mothers like this, and they all say their ex does way more than they did when they were together, plus they get lots of time off to pursue friendships, and hobbies. These mothers tend to socialise lots, and maybe because they get so much time off, seem way more relaxed when their kids are badly behaved, than the rest of us.

Sharing parenting is the best....I think

I find the happiest mums are those whose little blighters aren't so little anymore. Secondary school age seems a great time. Toddlers are utterly relentless and even those who say this is their favourite age are exhausted.

Look at the school gates, the harassed mums (and dads) who drag an unwilling 4 year old in whilst rugby-ball carrying a toddler or pushing a pram look 10 years older than the breezy year 6 mums who come for the chat even though they aren't needed anymore at the school gates.

I did wonder, in the past, if DS dad would meet someone else and go on to have more DC, and how that would affect us. I don't think it's very likely now, and even if it did happen it would be more manageable now that DS is older and getting a bit more independent.

(I won't be having any more DC as am 52, and will not be embarking on a serious relationship with a man as I have always managed to avoid those and will continue to do so.)

The happiest mothers I know are ones where the other parent of their child acts like a proper parent and person. Doesn't matter if their status is married or single

This. I’m a lone parent and my ex-P did fuck all with our kids, but now they spend alternate weekends with him and ironically spend more time actually with him than they did when he lived with us.

I’d have preferred a proper equal parenting partnership and not to be shouldering all the parenting 12 days out of 14, but this is still a huge improvement on what my life used to be.

Its often easier to make joint discussions re schools etc as co-parents (where the preceding marriage has been toxic) because the emotions just aren't there, the situations aren't as loaded and the hurt has diminished.

Being married is no insurance against disagreement on big decisions, especially if the relationship is heated or the relationship suffers an unforeseen stress.

I have direct experience of this - somehow the anxiety and needing to be proven correct which drove our behaviours, has all but disappeared.

yes i worry about whether i have been selfish or am a bad mother. yes i worry i have limited their choices. however, im constantly told we (ex DH and I) are doing a fabulous job, that the kids are really well-adjusted.

Not taking anything for granted though. I've paid a heavy heavy price to get here, precisely because i did put the kids first. I understand now that sometimes the desire to put the kids first can hurt and delay one's own recovery - that has been my direct experience.

I think juneau has it spot on. Balance is the key. Married or not. If you have balance in your life things fall more in to place I think and it's easier to cope with it all and it follows that you might seem happier.

totally true but I don't want to be old and alone and I like my OH even though he does my head in!

Sunshine I hate to break this to you but statistically we will mostly be old and single as men die before women - so make of that what you will !

all the women have died before men in my family of breast cancer so I'll probably go first!

I think this is a myth. My closest single mum friends say they would advise any of us marrieds to stay together if at possible. The 'free time' every other weekend doesn't make up for not ever getting a break the rest of the time - e.g. Can't nip to corner shop without kids as totally on their own with the kids. My single friends actually got quite pissed off when I naively asked if it was a silver lining having every other weekend off.

It's nothing to do with being single or married, it's to do with shared parenting. I've seen both married miserable mums and single miserable mums. Personally I can't imagine how I would be happier alone but my hubby rocks. There is such a wide range of things that contributes to happiness.

'I find the happiest mums are those whose little blighters aren't so little anymore. Secondary school age seems a great time. Toddlers are utterly relentless and even those who say this is their favourite age are exhausted.'

Sorry but no. It may be more physically exhausting when they are little, but it is repetitive rather than stressful. As they grow older it shifts to being mentally exhausting. I know which I prefer.

Fair observation! Speaking from my own experience, I am much happier having separated and my ex-husband (who has always been an amazing dad) is an even better Dad to our children since we separated, and defo takes a more equal share of the parenting load.
That said, to get to this point was heartbreaking, and learning to be happy with my lot and accept that I have less time with my children than I would like was absolutely a learning curve.
Weird really as when you are in a relationship, if someone offered you every other weekend off from being a parent you'd snap their hand off!!
I think what I'm trying to say is that if you're lucky enough to have a strong relationship with the father of your children and are separated, you have to reach a point where you are able to appreciate the small things. x

I've been divorced twice and yes I think I'm the happiest mother I've ever been now.
First husband was useless and continued to be so after our divorce. He didn't pay maintenance and moved further and further away until it was virtually impossible for him to see ds1 so...he didn't bother until ds1 was old enough to travel to see him.

Second husband made me happy for some years, but there was always some conflict between him and ds1 which made life difficult for me, and although he was good with ds2 as a baby, beyond that he never did anything with him unless I suggested it, planned it and nearly forced him to do it. All attendant work ( remembering school events/planning birthday parties etc) was left to me.

Now we're separated and he's doing a lot more. Admittedly he still lives with his parents, who are very involved GPs, but even so he now actively takes ds2 out, organises parties, reminds me of school events etc. As a mother I am happy in the knowledge that my son is safe and happy when he's not with me and yes, he spends nearly half of each week with his Dad so I have plenty of time for hobbies, a social life, starting up my own business and perhaps most importantly just having peace and quiet- and I don't have to take his foibles into account when doing any of them.

Often think this is optimal parenting. I know how much nicer I am as a parent when I have had a break from the little darlings. I often fantasise that we put a little house in the garden for me to live in part-time. So I could have a bath in peace, and cook dinner just for myself. Selfish maybe but parenting is fucking knackering.

Adults happiest with time to explore their interests and spend time with friends. News at 11

How interesting. I wonder which are the happiest children? Those in a stable two parent household or those farmed out each week to the NRP?

I don't think you can ask that

Some 'stable ' 2 parent families have undercurrents of toxicity that damage
Some stable 2 parents families are loving happy places and ideal for thriving

Some single parents can't cope and their children suffer
Some single parents and two home families thrive and the kids are happy and go on and have their own stable families

1/3 marriages end in divorce so this is the norm whereas dysfunctional parenting isn't (and should not be)

Stable 2 parent family child myself still ended up self harming and destructive behaviour

From my personal experience, I'd agree, tho I'd never encourage anyone to separate if they could find a way to make it work.

But I was worn out and miserable married, doing everything while DH read and ignored his kids (or took them out for the day, only to return after half an hour later, because he forgot something trivial, then decide its too much trouble to set out again...).
Once he move out, he did try harder with them, and they've had some good times which would never have happened had he still lived here.
But I don't think it needs to be 50-50 shared care - i've had an enjoyable life having every 2nd weekend off, and 1 whole week a year, while he had them.
The flip side of being the only parent with all the responsibility the rest of the time didn't bother me, as I was already doing everything, and I felt lonely doing that with him there.

Me. Love it. Like many said dh a better dad. I cant believe how many men do that.
I am happy. Much happier then when together. I am happy he is happy too. A bit sad he could not be this person with me. I am enjoying my time off and my time with kids. But most of all I enjoy not being resentfull. I am free.

"farmed out", FenceSitter01?

What an utterly bizarre way of describing time spent with a child's other parent.

Is that also the way you would describe one RP leaving the children with the other RP, while they went out for an evening?

How interesting. I wonder which are the happiest children? Those in a stable two parent household or those farmed out each week to the NRP?

The happiest children live in emotionally stable and calm and happy environments.

That can be two parents living together, or two amicably divorced respectful parents.

Emotional conflict can occur in two parent households and in separated households. Marital status isn’t the deal here, it’s stability and no emotional stress.

I’m pretty sure amicably divorced parents who parent equally and love their kids wouldn’t see it as farming out.., the norm here on divorce is 50:50 ( equal custody, no maintenance, equal split of assets.) so there isn’t an nrp per se.

I know a few women who have stayed in unhappy marriages because of the children. When i did say gently to someone ( once) that maybe the children might be happier if they did split up, she really took offence and was adamant that the children would be worse off and would ;' go off the rails' - she knew her own children, so i never said anything again, although she has admitted that its been hard. I suppose a lot more marriages break down when the kids reach late twenties or even in their thirties, or left home.

Sometimes I do not miss the dc at all, some other times I do. However Seeing themHappy with their dad and him with them, seeing them relaxed because there is no tension and we now like eachother whereas before we didn't (and kids hate this), knowing that they see their parents happy and relaxed and fulfilled more than makes up for it.

Of course in an ideal world...

My DS is happy. To be fair, he has never had to go through his parents having a bitter breakup, or rowing, because we were friends-who-became-co-parents rather than a couple who split up, but it wouldn't make him happier if his dad and I decided we should all live together. (That probably would lead to rows and bad feeling.)