To notice happiest mothers single with good shared care

[brasty]

The happiest mothers I know are those who are single, but have shared care with their ex, and their ex looks after their DC properly. I know a few mothers like this, and they all say their ex does way more than they did when they were together, plus they get lots of time off to pursue friendships, and hobbies. These mothers tend to socialise lots, and maybe because they get so much time off, seem way more relaxed when their kids are badly behaved, than the rest of us.

YABU. I think your observations are selective and you have a 'grass is always greener' view on life.
The single parents (mainly mothers) I know all rely on benefits and/or their retired aging parents to pick up the slack. They have great "time off" but their parents are under pressure to provide for the everyday needs, emotional and financial support where the missing parents are falling short. Very few of the fathers - in the majority of those couples I know - stuck around, never mind taking care of their children half the week to give the custodial parent a break. It depends on who you have children with, how amicable the relationship ended and how supportive they are.

I would also see it as a fact that anybody who can have the best of both worlds (a lot of other factors left undefined here) is going to be likely to be happy.

I admit though, I don't understand the mindset of a mother who never needs a break from her child. I also don't understand the mindset of women who will put up with any amount of resentment just to avoid being single. I think one is neediness and one is fear of what people think. Neither is healthy. Being single has really forced me to grow as a person. I don't think being married in a ho hum complacent way for the last 20 years would have made me grow in the same way.

I was incredibly unhappy when I was a working mum with two children, even though my ex did what he thought was his share of the work. He got up earlier than me, deliberately, in order to never help getting the children ready and out to the childminders. He never helped in getting child care sorted. He did the big hello, I'm me, at the school parents evening and always knew what they were doing, despite never talking about it at home. He was a quisling in my eyes, always ready to take the praise and never ready to do the donkey work.

I'm so much happier without him in my life, and so are my children too - they have admitted it. They don't actually like his company anymore.

My ex went to the arse end of nowhere, but still manages to see his son (the daughters in his life no longer matter, he has two new toddler sons now to look after) about once a month.

I admit though, I don't understand the mindset of a mother who never needs a break from her child. I also don't understand the mindset of women who will put up with any amount of resentment just to avoid being single. I think one is neediness and one is fear of what people think. Neither is healthy

Different strokes work for different folks. I have never needed "me time" or a break from my child. Doesn't mean I can't handle it or that I make good use of the time but its something that I wouldn't have chosen.

The poster about who posted about staying longer because of what people think - that resonated with me. I do think there are a certain type of people (mostly women IME) who cannot handle the idea that people can be happy in less traditional situations. There's one at my DD's school who is clearly desperate for me to be all sackcloth and ashes; she says things like "oh it must be SO hard for you", "you must be finding life exhausting", and when I say "oh no, its perfectly fine thanks" she then starts with "oh you WOULD say that of course, putting on a brave face".

She's started again recently with "oh you must be finding this ESPECIALLY hard" as we're all picking secondary schools. Me and Ex-DH have done all open days together. Sat down together and gone through the schools together. Sat down with DD and discussed all the schools together. She cannot (or will not?) understand that there's NO difference between her choosing schools and my choosing schools. She's exhausting

I'm not sure I would only want to see my dcs for half the week

But you would have some other woman looking after them and calling them their dear step child - which is lovely isn't it?

My friend called shared custody the silver lining in her divorce! But she also cried for 2 days when it was her exh's turn to have the kids for christmas day, so swings and roundabouts, I suppose.

Hmmm...I think I'd rather see my kids everyday than have then away half the week. They may have lots of socialising time, but it's just better than staying in an empty house isn't it.

I'm happy, married, 2 children. The thing that adds to my happiness is that I work 3 days a week, have childcare sorted and it doesn't cost the earth. However, I'm a home bird and I like being at home. If I go on days out I want to spend time with close family.

Oh Jaques I know a fair few of those....one who told me that she would love to teach but couldn't 'because I have a husband', and then another who said 'but you seem so happy. I would be so miserable if it were me' and all sorts of other total crap that people think is helpful.

As I said, life is tough. I find it tough. But there is no other option but to get on with it, is there? Life is way too short to be miserable all the time. You have to make the most of it.

But there is no other option but to get on with it, is there? Life is way too short to be miserable all the time. You have to make the most of it

YES yes to this. Just how I feel.

What single mums do you know? Where are you? I don’t know ANY single mums like this. Most of us have partners who only take the kids every other weekend, are financially far worse off and are pushed to the brink. The lucky ones have loads of grand parent help. I know 2 people who split childcare 50/50. One of them is remarried & it’s a great set up. The other one, is actually a guy & his ex is crazy & he has his child’s welfare to worry about. None of the single mums I know are better off, more balanced or happier.

I have shared care with my kids mum, and she's miserable as sin.

She had no financial sense and is up to her eyeballs in debt, she can't pick a decent partner and keeps shacking up with losers and idiots. She has no real career options and is either perpetually unemployed or scraping by in a low paid job.

On the other hand, I'm pretty pleased with my bachelor lifestyle, part time dad, and no maintenance payable situation

part time dad

That's a grim expression

She didn't say that single mums in general were better off. She said that the model of parenting that seemed to lead to the happiest mothers was where two households worked together to amicably and equally co-parent their shared children.

It's very rare, but when I've seen it doesn't need, it works well. It could well be, though, that the personality traits that lead to that kind of relationship would mean that those people would be just as happy in a nuclear family set-up.

JacquesHammer

Well obviously I don't stop being a father when they are with their mother, but my direct childcare responsibilities are somewhat diminished when they're not with me.

There are so many reasons why fathers should be pushed and encouraged to pay more of a role in their children's lives.

This was sadly brought home to me when a close friend died. Her husband had always given up pretty well the whole weekend to taking their sons to various sports. He is left with two young men who are very close to him indeed, even as they both start to leave home for university and gap years. All those weekends taking them to sports fixtures has paid off. They have a strong relationship and it makes things much better for all three of them in a very sad situation. I have another friend whose husband could never be bothered. He went to exactly one event the whole time his twins were in primary. They are divorced now and I don't think their boys care if they see him or not. One day he will be a lonely old man.

Fathers--do it for your own sake as much as anyone else's.

Well obviously I don't stop being a father when they are with their mother, but my direct childcare responsibilities are somewhat diminished when they're not with me

Well yeah - I'm a single parent, I get how it works. I'm not, however, a "part time mother". I'm still a mother when she's with her father whilst I'm earning money to care for her.

It still sounds shit c3pu. Are you not concerned about your kids?

I am a single mum but my ex pays no maintenance and doesn't see the kids. I work full time. It is really hard and I am very envious of people in happy, long lasting and supportive relationships.
The other single mums I know have exes who see the child every other weekend but struggle with the type of parenting their ex provides and are envious of me because at least I parent in a consistent way and don't have an ex undoing the rules/behaviour expectations put in place.
The others tend to have a Disney dad type who doesnt do the regular bits of parenting like making sure homework etc is done and is all about the fun.
I guess the dream situation is as you describe but I think it's very rare indeed!

I am a completely lone parent with grandparents on tap. No childcare required as have the holy grail of school hours job. They love having him and he stays one or two nights a week, granddad takes him to activites because he likes to and I don't have to stand on a freezing football pitch on a Saturday morning. I savour my time to myself but equally I wouldn't mind if he never stayed anywhere else as he's the easiest kid in the world to parent. I have it good and yes I know it, not many lone parents quite so fortunate. I do think a lot of it is down to personality though, I really enjoy being single and i really enjoy being a parent, I don't enjoy living with other adults so for me my situation is perfect.

@FlowerGarden63

I'm not sure I would only want to see my dcs for only half the week

Yeah I think this is weird too. Why would anyone only want to see their kids half the week?

@FlowerGarden63

I'm not sure I would only want to see my dcs for only half the week

Yeah I think this is weird too. Why would anyone only want to see their kids half the week?

@PhoenixMomma

What single mums do you know? Where are you? I don’t know ANY single mums like this. Most of us have partners who only take the kids every other weekend, are financially far worse off and are pushed to the brink. The lucky ones have loads of grand parent help. I know 2 people who split childcare 50/50. One of them is remarried & it’s a great set up. The other one, is actually a guy & his ex is crazy & he has his child’s welfare to worry about. None of the single mums I know are better off, more balanced or happier.

@Plentyoffishnets

I am a single mum but my ex pays no maintenance and doesn't see the kids. I work full time. It is really hard and I am very envious of people in happy, long lasting and supportive relationships.
The other single mums I know have exes who see the child every other weekend but struggle with the type of parenting their ex provides and are envious of me because at least I parent in a consistent way and don't have an ex undoing the rules/behaviour expectations put in place.
The others tend to have a Disney dad type who doesnt do the regular bits of parenting like making sure homework etc is done and is all about the fun.
I guess the dream situation is as you describe but I think it's very rare indeed!

@c3pu

I have shared care with my kids mum, and she's miserable as sin.

She had no financial sense and is up to her eyeballs in debt, she can't pick a decent partner and keeps shacking up with losers and idiots. She has no real career options and is either perpetually unemployed or scraping by in a low paid job.

On the other hand, I'm pretty pleased with my bachelor lifestyle, part time dad, and no maintenance payable situation

These ^ are much more likely a scenario, than the romanticised Hollywood movie bollocks the OP and a few others are coming out with on this thread.

I am sure there are a few couples (who have split,) who have a wonderful, cosy, rosy, fragrant relationship after their split, and share the childcare 50/50, and the single mommy gets half of every Thursday, and all day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to herself, to go on spa days, and go for long weekends to Paris with her mates, (because single mothers are rolling in dosh you know, it's a myth that they are brassick!)

Whilst the single daddy takes the kids to Disney/Alton Towers/a West End Show/Fishing whatever, and chucks a few bundles of 20 pound notes at his ex when they get back. Well, why not? He can afford it, because his own property (that he now lives in,) doesn't take any money to run it; the fairies pay his rent and bills, and buy his food. And they get on great, and only split because she couldn't get the consistency of his boiled eggs right. Nothing else was wrong.

I am just not buying it. The reality is that in many cases, single mothers are NOT financially well-off, they do NOT get shit loads of time to themselves, the father of the children does NOT share the childcare 50/50, and they also do NOT get on like a house on fire! Also, the OP has forgotten to mention the one salient piece of information, in her exciting notion that 'single mothers who have split with an ex, get half the week to themselves to party and have a life,' that there now needs to be TWO households catered for, and TWO families need to be looked after, if the man is now with someone else.

As I said, the scenario the OP has come out with (and several others claim is the case for them,) is the exception rather than the rule. This idealistic notion that is straight out of the script of an American sitcom, is NOT the norm for many single mothers.