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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To notice happiest mothers single with good shared care

253 replies

brasty · 07/10/2017 12:01

The happiest mothers I know are those who are single, but have shared care with their ex, and their ex looks after their DC properly. I know a few mothers like this, and they all say their ex does way more than they did when they were together, plus they get lots of time off to pursue friendships, and hobbies. These mothers tend to socialise lots, and maybe because they get so much time off, seem way more relaxed when their kids are badly behaved, than the rest of us.

OP posts:
Original poster
brasty · 07/10/2017 17:56

Grin Yeah make things up.
Actually the single mums I know with shared care are not rolling in dosh. But do go out for a drink with mates regularly, go to the cinema and plays. You know ordinary things. And they get long lies in and to just sit about at home doing nothing with no demands on them at all.

OP posts:
Queenofthedrivensnow · 07/10/2017 17:57

I see my kids half the week sometimes because they are entitled to a full relationship with their dad. Some fucking batshit crap on this thread

Original poster
brasty · 07/10/2017 18:00

I think there are two kinds of mums. Those why cry at the school gate when their kids start school and would be very upset at them spending half the week with their dad. And those who love their kids and love spending time with them, but enjoy time apart.
I don't think one group ever really understands the other.

OP posts:
user1487175389 · 07/10/2017 18:03

You've just described my dream. My ex isn't remotely trustworthy and I feel he has too much time with them already, but if I'd pinked someone better and we'd separated, I too could be that lucky.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 07/10/2017 18:05

Tippz probably does know happier single mums - they just don't talk to her due to judgeyness

RebornSlippy · 07/10/2017 18:20

You ok there @Tippz? You seem to be getting mightly het up about this. Does it make you feel better about yourself to be so very adamant that this cannot possibly be true for some some single parents? Does the very idea that those who fall outside the nuclear family, which you are clearly a part of, might actually be happy, if not happier in some cases?

Let me assure you, that this is my life. Not the absolute bollocks you're talking about with trips to Paris and wads of cash obviously. Because, as I previously said, that's a) absolute bollocks and b) not my reality.

But the other bits; respectful and successful co-parenting is possible and is my reality. It is possible to remain friends with an ex, you know. Particularly when there has been no infidelity or major betrayal involved, which is my situation. We work hard at remaining friends as we are very aware we are in eachothers' lives as co-parents forever.

The "NOTs" that you refer to over and over again, those single parents who do not enjoy this arrangement, are NOT the topic in hand. Me and others like me are. I'm not saying my situation is the norm, in fact I know it isn't. But to pooh-pooh the OP's observation and other posters' experience is so very, very arrogant of you.

Open your closed mind.

Flowergarden63 · 07/10/2017 18:20

What about Xmas? I would hate to not be with my child on Xmas morning.

Original poster
brasty · 07/10/2017 18:23

The obvious solution, if you are your ex get on okay, is to spend xmas day together. Its only one day.

OP posts:
RebornSlippy · 07/10/2017 18:24

Oops, just realised I missed a few words there. Let me try again. It seems to be really rattling your cage that single parents could possibly be happier that you, a smug married. Why is that, I wonder?

Flowergarden63 · 07/10/2017 18:25

Then I would be fine with that Grin

RebornSlippy · 07/10/2017 18:26

My ex and I spend Christmas day together with our child. In fact, he stays over (in the spare room) on Christmas Eve so he can wake up to see what Santa has brought.

Now granted, neither of us are in other relationships, so who knows if this will be the case in the years to come. However, I would be very wary of getting into a relationship with anyone who would have a problem with this. I hope my ex would have a similar attitude.

Original poster
brasty · 07/10/2017 18:30

I can accept that other people are happier than me, and that there may be things about how their life is that leads to that.
I don't think because I am part of a happy nuclear family, that is automatically the best way for families to be organised.

OP posts:
LongWavyHair · 07/10/2017 18:35

It annoys me when people assume parents who are in relationships have a better life than parents who are single. It's definitely not always the case because being in a bad relationship is worse than being on your own (imo)- seeing the kids everyday does not make your relationship any better and it's like parents should almost be grateful for being in any old relationship because, "well at least you get to see your kids everyday".

lilly0 · 07/10/2017 18:41

To be honest I think my child's dad would be an absent father if it wasn't for his mother pushing him to be involved and to pay up (unplanned pregnancy). He has a very good bond with DD now but he was very selfish I have to thank mil for making her son do the right thing .

Crescend0 · 07/10/2017 18:42

I'm sure many single mums who get on ok with their exs and the DC spend half the time with their dad have a whale of a time. That's 3-4 days a week to just focus on yourself. I imagine you must miss the kids at first, but you probably get used to that.

Apart from how the mums feel though, I do wonder how the kids feel about having 2 equal homes? Is it not quite tiring for them? It must take a fair bit of organisation to remember what stuff is at what house, homework, uniforms etc, but I'm sure there are ways around this. I think things must get more complicated if a new partner moves in, especially if they have kids too. Also kids can be good at playing one parent off against the other - "mum lets me do so and so...etc"

As to the question whether these mums are the "happiest" mums, it's a bit like asking how long is a piece of string because happiness means such different things to different people. For instance, being a SAHM with all your kids at school is not a bad set-up either because you get plenty of "me" time but see your kids every day. That's my set-up and it suit me. But then many women would experience this as boring.

lilly0 · 07/10/2017 18:47

C3pu you sound like a right piece of work even if I hated my child's dad I would still want them to succeed and have a good life. It's a bit bitter not too ?

RebornSlippy · 07/10/2017 18:50

So true @Crescend. One of my main worries post-separation is the effect having 2 homes will have on my DD. For now, she seems happy enough, but I guess only time will tell how that pans out in the future.

As for the organisation, we just tend to have a full wardrobe of essentials in both houses. Also 2 uniforms. Toys are a bit of a minefield, but she tends to play with one selection of plastic tat in her dad's house and a similar selection of tat in mine. She has nothing too expensive so far, but I'm sure when iPads and technology come onto the scene, this will require a bit more forward thinking.

And yes, absolutely, she already, at the ripe old age of 4 tries her hand at 'Dad lets me...' It's shut down pretty sharpish though. And for the most part we try to sing from the one hymn sheet when it comes to rules and routines.

I would never claim to be 'happier' than all the mothers in the world. I can only tell you what I've heard from my own friends where they profess to be somewhat envious of my situation. However, I too am quite envious of some of what they have, including a warm body to snuggle up to at night, so maybe it all balances out.

Waytoogo · 07/10/2017 18:52

I just wonder whether the mum's you describe have the happiest children?

RebornSlippy · 07/10/2017 18:53

I should also mention that some of my friends who have the warm body to snuggle up claim they aren't particularly interested in snuggling up to it and would prefer my big empty kingsize to themselves Grin

RebornSlippy · 07/10/2017 18:55

Who knows @Waytoogo. I'll ask my DD when she's able to tell me. It's something I/we are very aware of. We're doing the best we can to ensure her happiness. It's paramount. However, my own happiness and my own life are important to me too. Selfish? Maybe. Truthful? Absolutely.

Flowergarden63 · 07/10/2017 18:55

@Waytoogo I think you just hit the nail on the head and I think that is what is most important

Queenofthedrivensnow · 07/10/2017 19:38

Just ram the knife in a bit harder there waytogo - independent women who are happy might be damaging their children.

JacquesHammer · 07/10/2017 19:41

@wattoogo yup - check my post earlier Smile

TeachesOfPeaches · 07/10/2017 19:44

I'm a single parent who works full time and when my ex is granted contact I will be absolutely bereft at not seeing my son every weekend and xmas etc. Sad

HateIsNotGood · 07/10/2017 19:54

I think OP has a point - probably the happiest Mums ARE the ones that have shared care with the Father, more so than many partnered ones. But I honestly don't know any myself.

Been an LP for 15 years now, there were a few years when DS's dad saw ds EOW(ish), but I had so much to catch up on that I didn't really have the chance to socialize much. The past few years his dad has gone NC so that pretty much ended most chances of a social life and I'm just looking forward to a bloody good rest before I do have one again.

Maybe if I had been able to socialize more I would have met those lucky LPs with 50/50. I do think it's best to be an LP and knackered than partnered with a misery-making DP.