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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To notice happiest mothers single with good shared care

253 replies

brasty · 07/10/2017 12:01

The happiest mothers I know are those who are single, but have shared care with their ex, and their ex looks after their DC properly. I know a few mothers like this, and they all say their ex does way more than they did when they were together, plus they get lots of time off to pursue friendships, and hobbies. These mothers tend to socialise lots, and maybe because they get so much time off, seem way more relaxed when their kids are badly behaved, than the rest of us.

OP posts:

Brandnewstart · 07/10/2017 20:01

In your opening post you describe me OP BUT although I have time to persue hobbies etc, I HATE not seeing my children everyday. I fill my time because I have to.

c3pu · 07/10/2017 20:40

It still sounds shit c3pu. Are you not concerned about your kids?

Of course I am, that's why I have a court order that makes me the resident parent, not their mum. When she's been behaving at her worst the kids have lived with me full time, but when she's on a more even keel I feell it's in the kids best interests.for them to maintain a good relationship with her. Frankly it's rather hellish trying to walk the tightrope of keeping them away from her impulsive behaviour, and maintaining a strong relationship with their mum who they love very much.

C3pu you sound like a right piece of work even if I hated my child's dad I would still want them to succeed and have a good life. It's a bit bitter not too ?

I'd love nothing more than for her to succeed, as that would be best for her and the kids. Indeed I've tried to help her time after time, both before and after our split. But her poor life choices are repeated over and over, and there's very little I or anyone else can do to help her.

I can understand that my posts may come across as bitter, but that's not really where I'm at, despite all she's done to the poor kids - I just try and keep my emotions untangled from her drama!

Wishingandwaiting · 07/10/2017 20:46

I do agree to some extent.

Very involved ex here. Most I trust him COMPLETELY with the children. So it means when I do get some time to myself, I really can relax and rejuvenate because I know my ex is caring for them fantastically.

I really do havebest of both worlds. My ex is in a very full on job so onltnnas the children every other weekend from Saturday morning to Sunday mid afternoon. And then on “my” weekend, he will usually have them for a couple of hours to take them to the park and for a hot choc.

In my time to myself I go to the gym, I clean the house. I catch up on admin, I grocery shop, I catch up up with friends over coffee/drinks, I basically chill.

I feel utterly refreshed and excited to see the children on Sunday afternoon.

I often catch myself asking how I parented before having this regular time to myself!

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 07/10/2017 20:48

Ok c3pu. It sounds like you are looking out for them as best you can. It's just your initial post seems happy with the situation but I'm sure you'd rather your ex wasn't like that.

c3pu · 07/10/2017 21:00

Ok c3pu. It sounds like you are looking out for them as best you can. It's just your initial post seems happy with the situation but I'm sure you'd rather your ex wasn't like that.

Totally! I've gotten myself into a reasonably good situation by exercising a lot of self control and restraint, but my ex has taken something of a different approach lol.

Back on topic though, despite all the background drama the shared care in itself does work quite well for all of us. I find my relationship with my kids is stronger than it's ever been, and if I'm totally honest it's stronger than it would have been at this point if the relationship with their mum had lasted.

Positives for her, its enabled her to do whatever she likes when she's child free.

OliviasWhiteHat · 07/10/2017 21:01

I'm a single mum, dds father doesn't see her or have involvement. I work full time and it's hard but I just get on with it and we're happy. I get the odd break if she goes to family for a sleepover etc.
My friend has just split up with her partner and has shared custody with her - ex leaving her with time to do fun things and see her new partner. I have pondered that her situation now is quite enviable in some ways. However I know that although I would love a break, I would miss having dd away from me 50% of the time.
So I understand what op is saying definitely. But grass isn't always greener

heron98 · 08/10/2017 07:03

I agree.

I'm childfree and often say I would only have kids if I could then get divorced and only have them half the week! I think I'd be quite happy being a mum a few days a week but every day? No thanks.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/10/2017 07:44

All the single mums I know are on their knees doing it all. Arsehole exes that appear once in a blue moon and take no responsibility or indeed pay their share.

It's certainly coloured my opinion of men.

Megabus · 08/10/2017 07:54

Women mostly don't end up as single mums because they have a husband who is engaged, reliable and does his fair share. Their relationships would not have broken down if the father of their children was the kind of man who would be the person that you describe in your OP.

As a alternative to nuclear family; for most individuals it is very hard financially.

5rivers7hills · 08/10/2017 08:12

The happiest mums I know are married, working full time, and sharing housework and childcare with their partners

^ this

The dream surely is to be an equal partner with a man who doesn’t need a woman to tell him the bathroom needs cleaning?

I’d go a step further and not say being affluent and buying in domestic tasks helps a lot.

RebornSlippy · 08/10/2017 09:57

I disagree @Megabus. Speaking for myself, my ex was absolutely engaged, reliable and did his fair shair. However, there is more to a sustainable romantic partnership than equal distribution of the daily drudge. Sometimes the romantic feelings just leave and you find yourself living within a platonic relationship. I found that this was not enough for me. So yes, my ex was all of those things, I could never fault him, however, being a good father or load sharer isn't always enough to keep a couple together.

Megabus · 08/10/2017 11:04

That is not the common circumstances though born

I have a well paid job and can easily run our family/house without a 2nd adult. But I recognise that isn't the same for majority of single mums

Brandnewstart · 08/10/2017 11:24

It has also ruined my job prospects, I can only work 3 days because ds1 had additional needs. I will have to sell the house when ds2 is 18 unless I manage to get a full time much better paid job. I will then have to pay him out th current market value although he has contributed nothing to the mortgage since he left. My family are 4 hours away as are a lot of my friends - we came here to be near his family as they are ill.
I have spent hundreds of pounds getting his name of the mortgage so he can remortgage his new house with the OW.
I am lucky that I have no concerns when they are with their dad, like some of my friends, but not being with them for significant events is awful. He is fighting for Xmas Eve this year and it is killing me.
I didn't sign up for this and to listen to my youngest crying down the phone whilst on holiday with his dad broke me.
This is my reality and it totally fucks me off when people tell me I am so lucky to have free time.

RidingWindhorses · 08/10/2017 15:34

While it's true that some single parents are single because their ex was an arse, there are plenty who were both nice people they just couldn't make their relationship work. The love died. They grew apart. They were actually very different people etc.

Out of all the divorced people I know, including my friends parents' generation - none of them were arses.

Megabus · 08/10/2017 16:00

None of the single parents I know, are in that situation. Including myself. I think people are interpreting situations wrongly

Wishingandwaiting · 08/10/2017 17:23

**
While it's true that some single parents are single because their ex was an arse, there are plenty who were both nice people they just couldn't make their relationship work. The love died. They grew apart. They were actually very different people etc. **

Exactly the case with me and my ex.

Wishingandwaiting · 08/10/2017 17:24

I love my ex. He loves me.
And we are united in our absolute focus on making our children happy, healthy and settled.

Whilst I wouldn’t wish divorce on anyone, my situation is just about the best it could be. I’m happy, ex is happy and, most importantly, our children are very happy.

pickledparsnip · 08/10/2017 17:30

RidingWindhorses that might be true of the people you know, but it certainly isn't the reality of the single mothers I know.

MsHarry · 08/10/2017 17:32

I couldn't live without my DC half the week. Hats off to those that do.

MsHarry · 08/10/2017 17:33

Wishing why is he your ex if you love each other? Sorry if that's too personal. I'm intrigued,

Wishingandwaiting · 08/10/2017 17:41

I have my children all week.

Every other week they spend one night with my ex.
Then on “my weekend”, they go to playground and cafe for two hours with me ex.

As for why we still love one another, we just do. No one makes me laugh like him. When we do drops offs we always have tea and a chat. Text one another about books / films / news.

They key is that there was no third party.
The issue is that he was from a different culture and we clashed living together. Not big screaming matches or anything like that. Simply incompatible I suppose.

Wishingandwaiting · 08/10/2017 17:48

There are a fair few divorcees out there who still love one another.

Not uncommon where no third party.

My children have a very idealised view of divorce. That’s my only worry. They have stayed in the same home, same school. They see their father more than they did pre divorce (he works very long hours but sets aside time when he has the children), and they never see their parents argue.

It’s something I will need to talk openly to them about as they grow older. That our experience of divorce is not common.

JacquesHammer · 08/10/2017 18:13

why is he your ex if you love each other? Sorry if that's too personal. I'm intrigued

I can't answer for Wishing but I am in a similar situation. My ex is my best friend.

We just didn't love each other as a married couple any more. We were like friends/siblings but not a couple in a relationship. We could have muddled along but we both wanted more.

We now both have other partners (more suited to each of us) we still socialise just the two of us and we co-parent fully

Louiselouie0890 · 08/10/2017 18:22

Why would you be in a relationship and choose to parent your kids part time. So bizarre. The family would never be a full family. I find it so bizarre. So instead of getting the man to step up and help well do part time. Sounds very bizarre to me.

JacquesHammer · 08/10/2017 18:59

The family would never be a full family

My DD has two "full families". They just might not be your idea of a "full family".

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