To notice happiest mothers single with good shared care

[brasty]

The happiest mothers I know are those who are single, but have shared care with their ex, and their ex looks after their DC properly. I know a few mothers like this, and they all say their ex does way more than they did when they were together, plus they get lots of time off to pursue friendships, and hobbies. These mothers tend to socialise lots, and maybe because they get so much time off, seem way more relaxed when their kids are badly behaved, than the rest of us.

xqwertyx I'm am pleased to hear you are happy and life has worked out for you. I merely wanted to point out that the OP had made a rather ridiculous statement which, as a situation, she is not in, didn't really ring true!

But it is true.

@IshouldntcareaboutthisbutIdo ahh ok i thought you was referring to people with hobbies or meeting friends when their DCs are away are ‘missing their children so much that anything beats sitting around in a deathly quiet home’ I was just pointing out that that would not be a ridiculous statement, as i am one of those people.

I also like a deathly quiet home

I am not talking about single mums whose DCs go to their father every other weekend, but mums with genuinely 50-50 shared care. And yes,I know this is rare.

I LOVE a deathly quiet home. Absolutely love it

well, anyone who has a supportive father for their children, is financially secure, healthy and has a 50:50 childcare share might well be and you didn't say it was you! but you didn't

Me too, the deathly silence is bliss! And while of course I miss the DC, it doesn't hurt me as I know they're well looked after and having a good time with their dad. And I can channel the missing them feeling into having excellent quality time with them during 'my' time.

I find it much easier as a single parent with shared care. The bathroom is no longer a public health hazard and I've gone from having 2 children (1 actual child, 1 man-child) to just the one. The lack in money is well worth the lack of the Ex. The household workload has got so much lighter and the atmosphere is so much brighter. My child has a better, more interactive relationship with her dad now.

As a couple, it was always me doing virtually everything child-related, shopping, laundry and cleaning. I really resented his laziness. My ex couldn't cope with full on parenting; he struggled with having to share my attention. I can't believe how much better he is now we've split up.

Shared care gives me a real break, one or two days, every week. It felt like I never got a break before - I even found I was enjoying staying in hospital a few times just for the proper rest. Holidays for me were just the same old shit at a different location and involving lots of packing, unpacking and making all the arrangements.

Some of my friends have lovely partners and I would love to have the same. I miss the companionship in the evenings, deciding things together etc. I see my Ex now and can see what I found attractive in him at the start; he has grown up massively as a single father but whenever we spend any real time together as a family I notice he's letting me do everything and resistant to doing his fair share. He just backs out of taking any responsibility.

My ex hasn't seen our asd 2 year old or oiur just turned 1 year old since January and he has paid matinence twice in that time. Life is shit.

I am separated with one child and share care with my ex. I am absolutely happier than a lot of my coupled friends. Most of the reasons have been mentioned already; ample 'me time' to have a career, a social life (if I can be arsed), a tidy home and most importantly, a shared carer who I trust implicitly with my kid. I know that aside from me, no-one can or would take better care of her. She loves him and he loves her and they love their time together. She's cherished.

My friends, by contrast, spend a lot of time complaining about their OH's reluctance or inability to do their share with the kids and around the house. Most of the donkey work falls to them; making them resentful, stressed and less happy. So many times I hear 'typical man' when they bemoan their 'partners' latest short falling.

This is not an untruth. This is a fact.

Of course, there are downsides. Feeling guilty that I don't tuck my child in every night. Missing her when she's with her father. Also missing adult male company at times as I haven't dipped my toe back into dating or started looking for someone yet.

But yes, if you ask me if I'm happy with my life, my life/work/kid balance or if I think I'm more content with my lot than my married friends, it would be a resounding, definite 'Yes'.

@brasty

This thread is not really what we should do as individuals. I have no plans to leave my DP.

Really?

From everything you say in your original post and in subsequent posts, it sounds very much like you may have thought about it.

Backpedal all you like, and you (and your forum chums) can call me a troll, a goady fucker, sad, bitter, blah blah dee blah, but just coz someone doesn't agree, and has a different viewpoint, that does NOT make them a goady fucker.

Grow the fuck up - and that goes for the other few on here who offer patronising 'you sound angry/sad/have some flowers' kind of shit.

Not everyone is going to agree, or massage your fragile little egos.

@ohreallyohreallyoh

Depends on your point of view. I don't think she's talking shit at all. My life is complex, difficult, frantic and hard. Am I happier than when I was with my ex? No. Absolutely not. And he was a shit husband. Do I recognise that my life is in many ways better than it was? Yes. Do I appreciate that? Yes. Do I spend hours lying awake working out how to juggle it all? Yes. Do I have a nagging 'what if....I get sick/break my leg/my mum's dementia gets worse...' at the back of my mind all the time? Yes. Would many of my concerns be eased by having a working, supportive, partner? Absolutely.

Thank you.

I think a few people on here are responding to the poster rather than the post. I have obviously upset the wee lassies on here a few times, by not agreeing with them, and not always believing their outlandish claims, so the knife goes right in if I say something they don't like.

Hey ho. Just another jolly afternoon on mumsnet.

Enjoy yourselves, and see you soon.. I'm off out now for a walk!

I would hate to be the only adult in my home, It would feel like too much responsibility...like all the decisions were on me.

I’d also hate to only have DS half the week.

For me personally I’d pick nuclear family as my ‘ideal’, living with extended family as second choice, and being a single parent in last place.

Very interesting thread

I suspect I would be happier single . But it takes two to tango .....

I saw a mum with her kids today and she has recently split , I envied her . She has come through the other side and seems also happier

whereas I spend my weekends angry as DP fucks me off

Tippz seems to have tipped over the edge.

I would change "properly" to either the same way they do or to their instructions.

But most couples I know the woman does the majority, even if it is the thinking about dentists appointments/haircuts kind of thing.

And that there is what you need to change - the mental load.

But you can start with your own relationship first - 2society" isn;t a real thing, it's what individuals do that matters. Society is just a reflection of what lots of people do.

Start with your DH rather than talking about how society needs to looks at a different model to the nuclear family.

I know single mothers with decent exes who share childcare and pay their fair share. In many cases they're still friendly, it was just the relationship didn't work out.

kewcumber My DP is great. I am not talking about my own relationship.

tippz you haven't upset me. As I do with most of the more wazzock-like posters on MN I'm having a little chortle at your expense

I did like your juxtaposition of asking people not to be patronising by being patronising. Top notch.

I'd love that set up. My x lives far away from us so I get one day off about four times a year. No over nights ever. Not long enough for a holiday. Basically no break. EVER, so yeh, I really envy (to be honest) single parents who are in a co-parenting arrangement where parenting is genuinely shared as I think they get two satisfying 'worlds'. Family time and also their own time/friends/love life.

Must be lovely {cries}

@tippz you have made this entire thread, please come back!!

It's not just about the mental load though. It's about never being able able to spend time as a couple, or do something spontaneous, or have peace and quiet.

Even with two deeply committed egalitarian parents, parenting is incredibly full-on, and I think that everyone needs a break eventually.

''PMSL. Hell would freeze over before I would envy any single mother.''

Wow! I pity the conservative mind who utters this statement. I see being single as one detail in my life and being a parent as another detail of my life. I have lots to be grateful for, and I am grateful for it. I think somebody who genuinely believes that it is impossible or illogical to ever envy a single mother must be mired in conservative tradition and be one of those poor souls who cares too much what other people think. That was why I stayed in a nuclear family unit for as long as I did. When you stop caring what others think then you have the potential to be much happier.

@tippz, it’s one thing not agreeing; it’s another being goady, which is exactly what you have been on here. It’s as if you want to have a fight on mumsnet.

But I’m another one who has found your posts quite entertaining.

I’m also another one who is happy being married but I can see the OP’s point. I envy the single mums who can have a lie-in regularly I must admit!

I think anyone who has adequate balance in their lives for family, work, friends and themselves are happy. Single or not. I find the one thing that I miss most and I sometimes feel resentful about is the lack of regular time without anybody else in the house, where I can just do whatever I want whenever I want without having to consider someone else all the time. When I say regular, ideally once a week, but at the moment, even once a month would be nice.