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Original poster

To notice happiest mothers single with good shared care

253 replies

brasty · 07/10/2017 12:01

The happiest mothers I know are those who are single, but have shared care with their ex, and their ex looks after their DC properly. I know a few mothers like this, and they all say their ex does way more than they did when they were together, plus they get lots of time off to pursue friendships, and hobbies. These mothers tend to socialise lots, and maybe because they get so much time off, seem way more relaxed when their kids are badly behaved, than the rest of us.

OP posts:
NoCryLilSoftSoft · 07/10/2017 13:18

Definitely not superwoman!. unless there is rum involved Grin I just plough on and am used to it now. He did a lot more damage to them when he was seeing them so in a way it is actually easier now he isn't. I don't have to scrape them back together after every visit and try and manage the behavioural fall out from his treatment of them.

tippz · 07/10/2017 13:18

@brasty

Tippz I am talking about how life could maybe be better organised. I don't think nuclear families, even though I am in one, is the best arrangement.

I think it's very sad that you feel that the only way a woman can be happy is to split from her man, and break up the family. And that a nuclear family is not necessarily best - even though your are IN one.

Very sad to read.

As I said, (and a few others have said,) I don't know one single mother who has a life like you describe. An American sitcom type scenario, with an ex she gets on famously with now, (who looks after the kids as much as her now, and who hands her bundles of money,) and who goes on the lash with her mates for the weekend, while her ex looks after the kids.

Nah, doesn't happen. Not with anyone I know. Ever.

All I can say (to the ones who say 'hey yeah you are describing me!' ) is you must have had a fucking awful husband/partner when you were together. No wonder you split! It's amazing too, how he suddenly became this wonderful, caring person/father, and decided to look after the kids a lot more now, and share the childcare 50/50.

Maybe ALL women with children should just leave their man?! Confused

One of the mum's at school said the other day that she envies single mum's and their freedom. I had to laugh.

PMSL. Hell would freeze over before I would envy any single mother. I would swap places with any single mother for all the tea in China.

I know in some relationships women do more than men, (practical stuff and childcare,) but anyone who thinks all single mothers have less responsibilities and 'ties' because their ex does 50% of everything, is deluded.

The OP is seeing the lives of single mothers through some very elaborate rose-tinted glasses!

And if you think brasty, that the life of a single mother is such a cool, breezy, carefree, fun-filled life, you are free to leave you husband are you not??? Why not? Then you too can have this great life! Hmm

usualGubbins · 07/10/2017 13:18

My DD hated shared care, felt she never had a place to call her own. I didn’t realise this until we stopped it, 2 years later when she was 9. What seems like a great idea from parents’ view isn’t always how it looks to the child.

MGKROCKS · 07/10/2017 13:19

The happiest mums I know are stay at home mums.they don't juggle work and family,and everyone is happier as a result..there's a number at my kids school ,all really lovely families.polite kids..

Original poster
brasty · 07/10/2017 13:21

usualgubbins Yes I had wondered about that. Which is maybe the ideal situation is the situation I described upthread where the DC stays in the family home,and mum and dad d each move in for half the week. Although it takes money to be able to do this

OP posts:
Original poster
brasty · 07/10/2017 13:23

MGKROCKS I would hate not to work at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
brasty · 07/10/2017 13:27

You know Tippz I never notice others names. You are literally the only user name I recognise because you are so needlessly aggressive and routinely call people posting very ordinary things, liars.

OP posts:
CodeineAndCornflakes · 07/10/2017 13:29

I think in an ideal world, women would make sure their partners are up to scratch on all respects before marrying and/or having children with them.

That way, being a single parent isn't the easier option than carrying the dead weight of a useless man alongside the children you decided to have with him!
Lessons learned the hard way..

IfNot · 07/10/2017 13:29

Yeah maybe that set up is a better one for women. I only know 1 situation like that though, where there is genuine shared care. The mum has managed a good career and hobby, and so has the dad.
I'm not a massive fan of the nuclear family either, mainly because it can so easily turn women into drudges.
Agree that balance is essential for happiness, but quite hard to achieve.

Uptheduffy · 07/10/2017 13:30

THe issue seems to be the amount of responsibility the male parent takes on. And that if he took an equal share the woman’s life would be better. To have a couple of nights a week when you are not primary carer would certainly give you head space. Though you would miss them too.
Parenting is such a massive feminist issue and should not be overlooked. My mil loves to tell me how great I have it because I get the odd night out. I wonder why she doesn’t tell her son how great he has it?

IfNot · 07/10/2017 13:30

Don't feed the GF. Wink

Dustbunny1900 · 07/10/2017 13:32

I agree that nuclear families aren't a great set up (for the woman at least) , but idk if id say divorce is the answer, I think extended family (on the maternal side preferably 😏) and a closer community would be ideal.

Original poster
brasty · 07/10/2017 13:34

What the fuck do you mean? Ifnot

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 07/10/2017 13:35

What home set up do the happiest children you know have? The happiness of the parents is of course very important but I don't think it's the ideal situation for kids to be back and forth between 2 homes, dealing with new partners, step siblings, blended families. Obviously it can work well but I don't think it's a situation many would choose for their children.

JacquesHammer · 07/10/2017 13:35

All I can say (to the ones who say 'hey yeah you are describing me!' ) is you must have had a fucking awful husband/partner when you were together. No wonder you split! It's amazing too, how he suddenly became this wonderful, caring person/father, and decided to look after the kids a lot more now, and share the childcare 50/50

My ex was an amazing father whilst we were together and he remains an amazing father now.

Am I happier as a single parent? Absolutely

Queenofthedrivensnow · 07/10/2017 13:36

Tippz you are talking shit

The80sweregreat · 07/10/2017 13:36

Everyone's situation is different though. My friend did have an easier life as her mum was very hands on too and her ex could do the 'part time' dad a lot better than being a full time one , plus they all lived close to each other, which also helped. She did have her bad times of course, but she also did an awful lot more than I did. trouble was, she then thought that everyone was the same as her and they are not , not at all!!
It all depends on the back up you have, if you have none then it can be shit.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 07/10/2017 13:36

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JacquesHammer · 07/10/2017 13:37

@oysterbabe - my DD is the happiest child anyone knows. She's never grumpy/sad/fed up. First thing anyone ever says about her is she's the happiest person anyone has ever met. Smile She loves her step-mum (as do I!) She has two secure loving homes, 2 out of 3 parents who work from home so she can spend hours with us both.

Original poster
brasty · 07/10/2017 13:39

Sincere apologies IfNot

OP posts:
MGKROCKS · 07/10/2017 13:39

We are all just trying to do the best for our families,however they are organised..there's no right or wrong way to do things...we all try to put our kids first,and scrape a bit of me time while we are at it...tiz the nature of the beast ,lack of time for yourself when you have kids...I think babygrows should come with a warning like on a cigarette packet.....the wearer of this will seriously damage your me time....

CodeineAndCornflakes · 07/10/2017 13:41

PMSL. Hell would freeze over before I would envy any single mother.

Okay, I'll bite more fool me. My DNiece has two children to her XH. They met young, but she knew he was a man of a good upbringing, respectful of women, had morals and integrity. Attractive qualities in any person. They unfortunately fell out of love, but, as he was during the full relationship, he continued to put their 2 DS's first. They have shared care, he financially supports his children, she has a professional career and free time to also spend with friends, and if she decided, to pursue a Rship.
Single parenthood can be tough, but Marriage isn't always a walk in the park either is it just yours I'm sure?
Nobody's saying you have to look down and your wedding band in gratitude and pity those not as 'fortunate' as you, but don't harbour the thought that single mothers are all crying into a bottle of Prosecco, lamenting the loss of their Ex. Many aren't. Many have full, rewarding and amazing lives.

xqwertyx · 07/10/2017 13:42

Also single with a fab ex, and yes i am vvv happy.

Original poster
brasty · 07/10/2017 13:44

This thread is not really what we should do as individuals. I have no plans to leave my DP.
More thinking that society could be organised better and that nuclear families are probably not the best arrangement.

OP posts:
HargenDarse · 07/10/2017 13:48

It's clearly about having a balanced life regardless of your relationship status tippz