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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To notice happiest mothers single with good shared care

253 replies

brasty · 07/10/2017 12:01

The happiest mothers I know are those who are single, but have shared care with their ex, and their ex looks after their DC properly. I know a few mothers like this, and they all say their ex does way more than they did when they were together, plus they get lots of time off to pursue friendships, and hobbies. These mothers tend to socialise lots, and maybe because they get so much time off, seem way more relaxed when their kids are badly behaved, than the rest of us.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 07/10/2017 13:49

I’m sure it depends entirely on the person and their outlook on life. Are they a glass half full or half empty type? Also, there’s often a difference between the presentation and the reality.

Nobody is entirely happy either way, everyone has their personal battles and insecurities. As has been said, it’s a case of six of one and half a dozen of the other.

xqwertyx · 07/10/2017 13:55

@Mittens1969 agree with you, it may not be for everyone, but having been happily married with and without a DC, and now single co-parenting, out of all of them i am at my happiest now. Our lives are so peaceful and drama free. Smile

xqwertyx · 07/10/2017 13:57

@tippz literally the only thing i have taken from your posts is the type of person you appear to be. I think you need some Flowers in your life.

Littlepond · 07/10/2017 13:59

I don't really get this. Some single parents get no break, some married parents get no break. I have s social life, get plenty of time to myself when the kids dad looks after them - he just happens to live in my house and sleep in my bed too! Surely it is about equality of parenting, rather than single mothers being happiest? In my experience within my friendship group and social circle the happiest are those who have a loving partner and equal parenting relationship. Surely that's the optimum - at least for people who desire to be in a relationship?

Kikibanana86 · 07/10/2017 14:00

Tippz i find you very patronising maybe try being a bit more open minded Hmm

My ex wasn't awful when we were together but we weren't right together, we work well as parents together but not in any ther way.

He has them 4 nights a week and I have them 3 but I have them more during the day so it works out pretty much even to us.

He gives me 1500 a month maintenance and yes I do go out on the lash a couple of times a week, why wouldn't I Grin

I know my situation isn't the norm but I do know a couple of others in similar situations and I'd say we all seem pretty happy and stress free!

pickledparsnip · 07/10/2017 14:03

Codeine don't be daft. It's not as simple as that. People often don't show their true colours until it's too late.

Terryscombover · 07/10/2017 14:04

I think if there is a massive imbalance in childcare and or housework it will take a toll.

Fortunately we are balanced here. DH is genuinely 50/50 in all things domestic and child related. I am happier than friends who are divorced but have days to themselves to be honest.

Ellisandra · 07/10/2017 14:05

I'm a single mother with reasonable input from my XH, and flexible arrangements so can have a weekend "off" if I like.

From the outside I'm sure it looks wonderful.

But don't you see it's making the best of a situation?

Yes, it's lovely being able to shoot off for a weekend break with my boyfriend and not stress and childcare.

But do you really think I like not seeing my child every day?

I would swap my weekend away for seeing my child every day, in a heartbeat.

The best model for everyone is two parents in one home who openly love each other and their children, who create a loving environment for you, and who work together to ensure that both parents have time off for hobbies or just relaxing.

My boyfriend used to go away on biking weekends when his kids were younger, his late wife had time away for her hobbies too. It's entirely possible in a good marriage.

I make the most of my free time. But no - I do not enjoy having my child part time. You really would want that, OP? Hmm

ohreallyohreallyoh · 07/10/2017 14:05

Tippz you are talking shit

Depends on your point of view. I don't think she's talking shit at all. My life is complex, difficult, frantic and hard. Am I happier than when I was with my ex? No. Absolutely not. And he was a shit husband. Do I recognise that my life is in many ways better than it was? Yes. Do I appreciate that? Yes. Do I spend hours lying awake working out how to juggle it all? Yes. Do I have a nagging 'what if....I get sick/break my leg/my mum's dementia gets worse...' at the back of my mind all the time? Yes. Would many of my concerns be eased by having a working, supportive, partner? Absolutely.

I am not unhappy. But I could be far happier.

confusedandemployed · 07/10/2017 14:08

This is me. ExDH was always brilliant and everything was 50/50 and this has continued now we live apart.

I'm off to another city for the night with my mates cos it's his night with DD Smile

Babyroobs · 07/10/2017 14:09

I have a friend who got mortgage free house as part of the divorce settlement, only works a couple of days a week, her ex has the 3 kids half the week, she gets her part time wage, plenty of tax credits, child maintainence , no housing costs. She has half the week to herself and enough money to enjoy herself. Why wouldn't she be happy ? To be honest though she does miss the kids when they are not with her and I guess one day when the benefits end she may have to work more hours. the kids are all teenagers.

Kikibanana86 · 07/10/2017 14:10

The not seeing your child every day thing doesn't bother me Blush

I know they're well looked after at their dads maybe that's why, I'm sure men who see their kids the standard every other weekend aren't expected to feel bad about seeing their kids every day.

I make the most of the time I'm with them and so does he.

JacquesHammer · 07/10/2017 14:12

But do you really think I like not seeing my child every day

This is by far the worst bit for me. I've never "needed a break".

However I use the time she's with her dad to work crazy hours. Which means the time she's with me I can spend wholly with her.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 07/10/2017 14:13

I think that will depend a lot on what money there is

I am single parent always have been ds dad very much involved and is very responsible. But money is often tight and the responsibility ultimately is on my shoulders

I have many friends who are single mothers and we all feel that way some are better off some less so but that weight of responsibility is stressful for us all

MsGameandWatching · 07/10/2017 14:14

I'm single with two disabled children and no support or childcare whatsoever. I am far happier than when I was married to my ex though. I don't know any single mothers whose exes share care and pay child support either. It seems to be the norm on MN but certainly not in my RL. I do agree though that the nuclear family set up that we are supposed to aspire to is very flawed and doesn't work particularly well.

IfNot · 07/10/2017 14:18

No worries brasty

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 07/10/2017 14:19

Yes and not seeing ds everyday hurts I miss him terribly when he is away our home feels empty therenis nothing good about it

It's not free time for me it's just time without ds I don't want time to see my friends or pamper myself I see friends with ds pampering myself a manicure once in a while is all I can afford and even if I could afford it more often it's not that important to me

IshouldntcareaboutthisbutIdo · 07/10/2017 14:20

Sort of get your point about some time off but really - do you think working and raising children on your own is easy?! Most single mothers get to have to do the hard bit Mon-Fri all on their own plus all the other crap that everyone has to do plus working. Not exactly easy no! Oh, and lots of time off every other weekend, um not so great if you are lonely, broke and probably catching up on work at home because no-one else is there to stand in for you during the week? Not quite sure who these fantasy people are

xqwertyx · 07/10/2017 14:20

I also dont mind being away from DC - hes off having fun with his dad and step mum and loves his time with them and i thoroughly enjoy my time alone to recharge!

IshouldntcareaboutthisbutIdo · 07/10/2017 14:21

Ps: the people you are referring to are probably filling their weekends with newly-found hobbies because they are missing their children so much and anything beats sitting around in a deathly quiet home

Alexkate2468 · 07/10/2017 14:22

Hang on though... Partners/husbands aren't just there to do childcare and housework. This makes them sound like a disposable entity rather than an actual person. I love my husband and can't imagine life without him...I don't just love him because he shares childcare and housework. He's a huge part of my family and he makes me happy. I love my traditional family unit and feel very lucky to have this.

IfNot · 07/10/2017 14:23

I need a break sometimes, and don't need to see the child every day. I'm OK with that. Have set up my life so that I have always been around a lot after school etc so I think he gets enough of me!
Sometimes I feel like a break is EXACTLY what we both need (tween angst) and I ship him off to my mums for the night.
I only feel sorry for single mums who are forced to send their kids to be with a man they don't trust to do a good job. That must be really hard. One advantage of ex being uninterested in parenting is that I have ze total control. (Downside- ALL the responsibility! )

IfNot · 07/10/2017 14:26

You're right there Alexkate my "partner" does no childcare and very little housework. Good thing he's pretty!

xqwertyx · 07/10/2017 14:27

@IshouldntcareaboutthisbutIdo i dont have hobbies... i meet people, go shopping, sit in and catch up with box sets with wine, exercise, read books, do chores in peace, go on dates when applicable Smile

xqwertyx · 07/10/2017 14:30

Oh and i wake up naturally. In silence. Then get up and have my coffee and watch some morning tv in my PJs hehe....thats my fave bit