To not punish DS?

[LoyaltyAndLobster]

DS6 was involved in an incident during lunch time at school today, in which he bent back another child’s finger. A little bit of a back story since starting the new term he has become more closer to another boy (lets just call him L) in his class that he wasn’t as close to before – about two weeks ago I noticed that his lunch box had been coming back more or less empty, he normally just drinks his drink and eats a little bit of the fruit I put in for him, 70% of the time his roll/sandwich comes back untouched but when it doesn’t come back I always ask did he eat it all, and his answer to that is always “just a little bit” cut a long story short – I found out that he has been “sharing” his word for giving, his lunch with L, which I am fine about, it is not an issue as the food he doesn’t eat only goes in the bin anyway, also a few times he has asked if he we have some popcorn/sweets that I can put in his lunch box “because L likes them” the school lunch policy is very strict and those kind of foods are forbidden.

At beginning of this week DS told me that he doesn’t want to share his food with L anymore because L doesn’t say please and just takes it without asking. In any other situation I would have spoken to his teacher about it, but I see it as a very embarrassing situation. I would never want to be confronted by anyone and told my child eating has been someone else’s lunch. Yes I understand that they’re children but there are certain boundaries that you don’t cross, and at age 6 a child should know that’s one of them. So I told DS that if it happens again he is to say "no" to L and tell the nearest member of staff.

When DP collected DS from school this afternoon he was told by his teacher what happened during lunch break and also that DS got pretty upset afterwards but wouldn’t tell any staff what happened. He told DP on the way home what happened and why he did it. Which was L he kept taking his food, and drinking DS drink first and drinking it all.

I am very disappointed in DS and I can say as his mother what he did was very spiteful, and if someone was to do the same thing to him I would be furious. But I have decided that am not going to punish him for what he did or even speak to him about what happened, because I don't want him to feel bad and also because the other child has been taking advantage out of him. Do you think AIBU?

I don’t have much sympathy towards the other child after finding out yesterday all the other things that he has been doing and saying to my son.

YABVU. You can't have him thinking violence is the answer. What's next he can deck a frail old lady who decides to piss him off.

How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot.
Its your job to teach him right from wrong.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider - “an old lady”? shame on you! really don’t be so pathetic, if you had read my thread you would know that I have spoken to DS about what happened, I also stated in my opening post that if another child had did it to him I would be furious, but I would have confidence in the school to sort it out and insure it never happened again.

DS is at a private prep, so free school meals or the child not being fed at home could never be an excuse for the other child to help himself to my sons lunch

That doesn't mean he doesn't go hungry!

Of course it's no excuse but he's 6. I doubt he is doing it because he is 'greedy'! Not the same but DS was once the talk of the lunchstaff one week, he is dairy free, and like all forbidden fruit it always looks the more tempting. Before the staff had realised he'd swiped a pudding of cherry cake and custard off the dinnertray, he'd already demolished half of it!

Have a word with your DS about how we don't usually use violence as a response, and have a chat with the school so they can ascertain if there's any problems with L's family (financially speaking) that they need to be made aware of.

Shame on me. !!!!
I'm not the one who teaches my child that it's okay to bend someone's fingers back.

I don’t have much sympathy towards the other child after finding out yesterday all the other things that he has been doing and saying to my son.

You need to elaborate further on that one OP. What kind of things? Why has he not spoken to you about it before? Has he told the staff? Even so. There are rights and wrongs of going about it. I say this as a mother of a DD who was severely bullied to the point she needed counselling, and I moved her schools!

Also, where is the supervision? how is he managing to swipe / take food from your DS. DSs school watches the kids like a hawk at lunchtime. Mainly because of the risk of allergies.

If there are problems in school you need to go in sensibly and get them sorted out. Its never the solution to just let him use violence.
Because whether my comment has pissed you off ,made you up or whatever
That's what you're doing, teaching him that's it okay to resort to violence

Only skimmed the first couple.of pages but op you need to get over your embarrassment and deal with this - talk to your son and talk to his teacher - this has to be sorted out and quickly and you (or your oh) need to be the ones to do it. Ignoring it is not going to resolve it but I think you know that really.

he said that he is sorry for what he did and he didn’t mean to make L cry because L cries all the time at school and it’s very noisy.

My DS is autistic. He cried in school the other day, loudly, he'd missed the practice for the harvest song as he was off ill, he was convinced he'd let his teacher down. Thankfully I know you're not one of the parents in DSs school as he isn't at a prep. But I'm glad my DS has more understanding classmates.
Whether L cries all the time is neither here nor there, neither is it justification for him bending Ls fingers back. I get it, I do, DS has snapped and lost his shit at his class bully. But it doesn't make it okay.

I'd bloody cry if someone bent my fingers back too, and I don't cry, ever!

This is absolutely ridiculous OP. The teacher needs to know about this situation so they can appropriately deal with it - L could end up doing the same to other children. You need to get over this embarrassment. It's a very weird attitude to have.

And your drip feeding about L's weight/parents/things he has done is a pathetic attempt to swing people around into agreeing with you.

Have a word with your DS about how we don't usually use violence as a response, and have a chat with the school so they can ascertain if there's any problems with L's family (financially speaking) that they need to be made aware of.

I spoke to DS yesterday, and I am going to request a call back from his teacher tomorrow. In regards to the other things the child has been saying to my son, he didn’t tell me about it before because he doesn’t see any wrong in what L has been doing or saying, older child and us as adults would! there are certain things that he doesn’t have much understanding of, like I mentioned before he wasn’t as close to L before as he is now, I’ve been told by his teacher that my son is very popular within in class and he is the child that the others want to be friends with.

I am not going to go into the other things that L has been doing to my child if I did you’d maybe understand why I have I don’t have any sympathy for him. In terms of supervision at lunch that’s a question I will be asking his teacher tomorrow, and I’m also sorry to hear about your daughter experiencing being bullied

'I have decided that am not going to punish him for what he did or even speak to him about what happened, because I don't want him to feel bad and also because the other child has been taking advantage out of him'

I think you're teaching your child terrible values, did you never hear 'two wrongs don't make a right'???

@Liadain - I am at the stage where I don’t care whether people agree with me or not. And I am not attempting to “swing people around” either, you can call or drip feeding if you want, but my decision to not disclose what else he has been doing and saying to my son, is going to stay the same.

At ours they are not allowed to share food because of potential allergies and also because there have been problems in the past with children being bullied into giving up their lunch.

I wouldn't punish your child further. I'd imagine this is causing him quite a bit of stress. I'd ask that he not be seated near this boy at lunchtime.

That's fine. Continue with your strange attitude to the school and teaching your son odd values.

And you don't understand what I said - I'm not interested in personally finding out what he's said to your son, I just see the mention of that as a dripfeed in response to the majority saying yabu. It's fairly blatant.

What has your son’s popularity got to do with anything?

I’m with you OP. Hope it goes well and L leaves DS alone, the unpleasant little brat.

@Fluffypinkpyjamas - Thank you very much

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Why are you embarrassed to tell the teacher what's been going on wrt lunch? If you were saying you were approaching the parent of L that would be different but it's a school matter and teachers can deal with it. Your ds needs out to support him on that.

Violence isn't the response either. So you need to tell teacher what's been going on and then have very stern words with your ds regarding violence not being the answer to a problem. The answer was that you should have stepped in instead if letting ds deal with it due to your embarrassment, essentially you left ds to deal with it because you felt embarrassed which is not ds's fault. So I wouldn't punish him exactly as you shouldn't have let it get so far yourself. But he needs to know you absolutely don't condone it. And get over your embarrassment in future situations where you need to advocate for your son.

Yes the food could have caused him harm but it didn’t! But you don't know that, op. people avoid certain food groups for many reasons, and his asking for certain things from your son does make it seem like he is restricted wrt to those foods at home.

I'm not really experienced with children having not been able to have them. I am wondering if your DS found it difficult to express how he was feeling in words and resorted to physical harm to get his point across?

Years ago my godson basically used to communicate by grunting and biting people's legs - fortunately he grew out of it but he just didn't have another way of communicating. That was an extreme example and I am in no way comparing to your son, but could you perhaps talk to him about some words he could use with this other lad, so he doesn't get frustrated and use a physical response?

I may be talking through my hat but maybe worth a try.

I think it's quite natural for a 6 yr old to respond as he did, especially if the other child wouldn't stop pestering him.

I don't see how the other child is a brat @Fluffypinkpyjamas ??
OP has made it clear that a 6yo doesn't understand what he is saying is bad and he has been permitted to take what he wants from OPs DSs lunch box, how would he know that food is fine but drinks are a huge no-no? It's not exactly logical.
Also if no one has told him his behaviour is bad then how on earth do you expect him to just know? He has been given permission to do something for x amount of time and now suddenly it's wrong and he doesn't know/understand why

OP, your ongoing attempt to paint this other child as some kind of demon with vague mentions of “stuff he’s being saying and doing” is really unpleasant.

Regardless of the child’s wealth, weight and (alleged) behaviour, your son should not have hurt him physically. End of story. I don’t blame your son, because he’s little and he had already asked your for help and not received any. But he still needs to understand that it’s wrong.