To not punish DS?

[LoyaltyAndLobster]

DS6 was involved in an incident during lunch time at school today, in which he bent back another child’s finger. A little bit of a back story since starting the new term he has become more closer to another boy (lets just call him L) in his class that he wasn’t as close to before – about two weeks ago I noticed that his lunch box had been coming back more or less empty, he normally just drinks his drink and eats a little bit of the fruit I put in for him, 70% of the time his roll/sandwich comes back untouched but when it doesn’t come back I always ask did he eat it all, and his answer to that is always “just a little bit” cut a long story short – I found out that he has been “sharing” his word for giving, his lunch with L, which I am fine about, it is not an issue as the food he doesn’t eat only goes in the bin anyway, also a few times he has asked if he we have some popcorn/sweets that I can put in his lunch box “because L likes them” the school lunch policy is very strict and those kind of foods are forbidden.

At beginning of this week DS told me that he doesn’t want to share his food with L anymore because L doesn’t say please and just takes it without asking. In any other situation I would have spoken to his teacher about it, but I see it as a very embarrassing situation. I would never want to be confronted by anyone and told my child eating has been someone else’s lunch. Yes I understand that they’re children but there are certain boundaries that you don’t cross, and at age 6 a child should know that’s one of them. So I told DS that if it happens again he is to say "no" to L and tell the nearest member of staff.

When DP collected DS from school this afternoon he was told by his teacher what happened during lunch break and also that DS got pretty upset afterwards but wouldn’t tell any staff what happened. He told DP on the way home what happened and why he did it. Which was L he kept taking his food, and drinking DS drink first and drinking it all.

I am very disappointed in DS and I can say as his mother what he did was very spiteful, and if someone was to do the same thing to him I would be furious. But I have decided that am not going to punish him for what he did or even speak to him about what happened, because I don't want him to feel bad and also because the other child has been taking advantage out of him. Do you think AIBU?

I spoke to DS this morning, the other child has also been manipulating him in other ways!

This is something that I am not going to stand for, I just won’t have it. I am going to call the school on Monday and request a call back from his teacher, I now regret not speaking to her the first time it happened. Something needs to be done about this child because I’m not going to have this, I’m
really not.

I just can't believe you didn't protect your child because you were 'embarrassed'.
You should have spoken to a teacher. I'm sure your vocabulary is more advanced than a 6yo so you could have fully explained your concerns, what's happening and suggested they keep a discrete eye on the situation. If a child, out of no where starts saying another child has eaten their sandwich, it'll be dealt with as a one off and both parents would have been informed anyways. What would you have said then? Oh I knew about it but didn't want to do anything as it was embarrassing for me?
And it is important that the other parents know about this so they can parent their child!
You've handled this really really badly and you've let your son down. You need to speak to him and a teacher asap

I don't think you should punish him either, but only because you've let him down enough already to be honest. Your child was being classically bullied and you knew about it and did nothing?! You should have spoken to the teacher the very first time it cropped up - a child's lunch is their own and not for sharing. Your son needs his meal in order to focus properly in the afternoons and let's not mention the risk of allergy/health issues from sharing. The situation is entirely of your own making and you need to own up to that.

I have already said I regret not speaking to his teacher the first time it happened, I just didn’t want to bring any embarrassment on the other child’s parents because it wouldn’t be nice for them to hear what he has been doing.

I am going to take full responsibility for this, if I would have told his teacher then the child wouldn’t have been able to manipulate my son in other ways also, I very confident that the situation will get sorted this week.

I just didn’t want to bring any embarrassment on the other child’s parents because it wouldn’t be nice for them to hear what he has been doing.

You really need to change your mindset on this..Firstly if your child was doing something would you rather it was addressed either within the school or by yourself or allow the behaviour to continue. . Secondly the other boy is 6 , so yes he needs guidance when he is doing wrong.

Can I also say go in with an open mind..You are hearing one side of the story..There may be another part which doesn't put your child in a good light.. But again a 6 he needs guidance.. My DS will tell me a tale of what has happened in school and omits any part of his responsibility. So always go in saying this is my DS's side of things.

So one minute your a 'fine' about your DS sharing lunch and 'it's not an issue', but when you are told YABU, he's been 'violated'.

it wouldn’t be nice for them to hear what he has been doing

What? Really? How are they meant to address the issues early if you won't speak up? Much better the parents hear it via school gossip? Kids know what's going on and they talk to their parents you know!!

Dear me sort yourself out!

The parents are there to parent and they can't do that if they don't know

@Starlight2345 - I will listen to what the teacher has got to say first, I do not need you to tell me how to handle the situation your child is not my child they are completely different, my child is not a tell tale, like I said I found out this morning some other things that the other child has been doing which he didn’t tell me before, he said that he is sorry for what he did and he didn’t mean to make L cry because L cries all the time at school and it’s very noisy.

@Nightsleepneeded - You haven’t read it properly, yes I am fine with DS sharing this food I don’t see it as a problem because he only eats a small amount of his pack lunch. What I am not fine with is that the other boy had taken it upon himself to drink my sons drink, that’s what I see as the violation.

I wouldn't punish him either. He's 6 and needed your help and you left him to fend for himself, when its obvious he couldn't, because you were embarrassed I've no idea why you would be embarrassed or why you would leave your son in that situation rather than speaking to school or why your embarrassment trumps a 6yo having his lunch stolen on a daily basis. Definitely not your ds' fault.

You should have stepped in much much earlier - your done wasn’t equipped to deal with this situation and you just let it continue. “Sharing his lunch” FFS that’s classic bullying.

So eating his food is fine but drinking his drink is a step too far?
You don't even make sense

yes I am fine with DS sharing this food I don’t see it as a problem

So good allergies? Dietary requirements? Vegan? Vegetarian? Lactose intolerant? Not allergy? Reliegious considerations? Weight issues?

It is not your job to feed this kid - you have no idea of his parents stance on food. This is why school have rules about sharing and it's not your place to break those rules.

Your last few posts don’t even make sense OP. Anyway my opinion is that if your son’s not eating the packed lunch you made, then he needs to go in for school dinners end of story. His violent outburst was probably caused by hunger.

I hope your chat with the teacher goes well but I really think you need to change your approach. I really don't get why you were embarrassed to raise the lunch issue and were worried about the other child's parents feeling bad. That doesn't make sense to me. I would say be careful not to now go in all guns blazing and over react.

Agree, if your DS isn't eating the food from home to that extent then I'd say he has to have school dinners.

I do remember an incident with my DD2 last year. She was accused of hitting one of her friends who was unfortunately hurt. The consequence was going to be that she would be missing playtime for 2 days. But they asked me to find out from her what had happened as she had refused to talk to them about it.

It transpired that what had happened had been accidental; DD2 had pushed into the queue to stand next to her friend and had pushed her into the wall. Obviously I told her that pushing in wasn’t on, but when I told the teacher what she’d said they left it at that.

You need to talk to the teacher about this. The other boy is bullying your DS; it sounds like he was trying to prise the boy’s fingers off his lunchbox. A child of 6 wouldn’t know how to handle that situation,

And children left to stand up for themselves against bullies often get into trouble when they do that. (I should know, it happened to me as a child. It’s a lonely place to be.)

@Sayyouwill - What is it that doesn’t make sense? I have said that my son doesn’t eat much of the food I put in his pack lunch, but he always drinks his drink.

@RavingRoo - It most definitely wasn’t caused by hunger it was caused by thirst, there’s a different.

This sounds really peculiar. I don't see why you didn't just put a stop to this as soon as you became aware of it.

Where was the “embarrassment” in letting the teacher know about the food taking issue? Are you really claiming to feel so sorry for the parents of the child stealing your child’s lunch that you’d let it go in case he needed it?
All the more reason to flag it up if that’s what you suspected. You letting it go led to your ds having to deal with it himself

@Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar - Yes I do feel embarrassed for the other child’s parent because their son is already overweight which only makes me assume that he is very greedy when it comes to food.

OP you are effectively neglecting your son. You know he doesn’t eat lunch and he effectively starves during the day. And don’t want to do anything about it. Are you for real? This whole post sounds staged - will report you.

So because you was to embarrassed to talk to the teacher you left it to your 6 year to tell the teacher......

I'm not even sure what your embarrassed about.

You need to get a grip.

Talk to your son about how violence does not work and talk to the teacher about what has happened.

Maybe he isn't greedy, but has issues with understanding when he is full, or cravings (like the popcorn), sensory issues. He may come from a wealthy background and still not receive a healthy balanced diet or be used to snacking constantly. You need to be careful how you approach this, an emotional or angry response is unlikely to help, nor is blaming the other child.

@RavingRoo - My child is a very fussy eater I send him with packed lunch and I always ask him to please eat what he can, staged really? If I was going to stage something which I never would, I wouldn’t do it under my original username, as I have nothing to hide, I created this thread to ask one question, not to be accused of “trolling”

@LIZS I will speak to his teacher on Monday like I said before I will wait for her to tell me what happened then I will give my response. I have never been the “go in all guns blazing” type I always listen.

Not at any school Loyalty, my DC's school has compulsory school meals.