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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not punish DS?

160 replies

LoyaltyAndLobster · 06/10/2017 18:30

DS6 was involved in an incident during lunch time at school today, in which he bent back another child’s finger. A little bit of a back story since starting the new term he has become more closer to another boy (lets just call him L) in his class that he wasn’t as close to before – about two weeks ago I noticed that his lunch box had been coming back more or less empty, he normally just drinks his drink and eats a little bit of the fruit I put in for him, 70% of the time his roll/sandwich comes back untouched but when it doesn’t come back I always ask did he eat it all, and his answer to that is always “just a little bit” cut a long story short – I found out that he has been “sharing” his word for giving, his lunch with L, which I am fine about, it is not an issue as the food he doesn’t eat only goes in the bin anyway, also a few times he has asked if he we have some popcorn/sweets that I can put in his lunch box “because L likes them” the school lunch policy is very strict and those kind of foods are forbidden.

At beginning of this week DS told me that he doesn’t want to share his food with L anymore because L doesn’t say please and just takes it without asking. In any other situation I would have spoken to his teacher about it, but I see it as a very embarrassing situation. I would never want to be confronted by anyone and told my child eating has been someone else’s lunch. Yes I understand that they’re children but there are certain boundaries that you don’t cross, and at age 6 a child should know that’s one of them. So I told DS that if it happens again he is to say "no" to L and tell the nearest member of staff.

When DP collected DS from school this afternoon he was told by his teacher what happened during lunch break and also that DS got pretty upset afterwards but wouldn’t tell any staff what happened. He told DP on the way home what happened and why he did it. Which was L he kept taking his food, and drinking DS drink first and drinking it all.

I am very disappointed in DS and I can say as his mother what he did was very spiteful, and if someone was to do the same thing to him I would be furious. But I have decided that am not going to punish him for what he did or even speak to him about what happened, because I don't want him to feel bad and also because the other child has been taking advantage out of him. Do you think AIBU?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 07/10/2017 11:25

I've only skim read the later posts, but what stands out in your op is that you seem very concerned with not wanting to upset people. While this is a nice trait in many ways, you're going to have to toughen up and change your priorities as a parent in order to communicate more effectively.

For example, in the first instance all you needed to do was communicate with the school, it was up to them to be tactful or not with the parents. As a result of not wanting to upset the parent you put your DS in a difficult position which probably caused more upset.

Then you don't want to upset your son by explaining that behaviour is inappropriate - unfortunately, sometimes it's necessary, it's not like you have to full on terrify him, but a small conversation which makes him uncomfortable is sometimes necessary in him learning what to do another time.

It's just priority, that's all :) stopping your son from being badgered at lunch needs to be a higher priority than avoiding someone being upset. Your son learning what's appropriate behaviour is also a higher priority than avoiding him being upset. It doesn't mean you should not be as sensitive to feelings as you can, just that the other objectives need to be met.

RavingRoo · 07/10/2017 12:22

@BertieBotts - she has no problem flaming down the many people who give advice though.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/10/2017 14:13

flaming down the many people who give advice though

One of the other things I won’t tolerate is posters thinking that my son and their child are the same. I don’t see how that is “flaming down someone”

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/10/2017 14:22

I’m completely mystified at your stance on this, op. You let your ds have his lunch nicked on a daily basis because you didn’t want to bring any embarrassment on the other child’s parents when they heard he’d been doing this.
That is really not normal, you know? Putting the supposed feelings of some randoms before your ds and basically making him suck it up Confused
Jesus help your child if he ever gets bullied. How would you respond if he did? Tell him he must endure it to save any unseemly fuss?
Can you not understand that you caused this latest development by your refusal to help him?

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/10/2017 14:35

I don’t think I am getting my point across, I was fine with DS giving the other child his food that he didn’t want to eat, like I said it would only have went in the bin.

At the beginning of the week DS told me he no longer wanted to give his food to L because he doesn’t say please and he just takes it, I have always been strict on manners. What I am NOT fine with is that L helped himself to my sons drink, and I also found out today that he has been manipulating DS in other ways, DS has very little understanding of certain things, and isn’t bothered by the other things that L has been saying/doing but older children and us as adults would be bothered and also see the wrong in it, If he would have told me these things before I would have immediately spoken to his teacher.

Yes I understand that I have done wrong and that I should have done something about it when he first told me but I didn’t as I didn’t see it as a big issue.

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/10/2017 14:43

I suspect you have confused him by suggesting it is fine to share his food. Clearly a packed lunch hasn't encouraged him to eat well, or has he eaten some of L's too? Does the school offer a hot meal? You might find he eats better (which he will need to to cope with the activities of the school day as he gets older) if he is alongside others doing the same and supervised.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/10/2017 14:48

@LIZS - He is a very fussy eater, he is at the point where he will only have “food from home” or “food from the kitchen” his words, yes the school do offer school meals; very nice school meals as well, but he has never been interested in trying them and I try my best to not force him into things or suggest he does something that he doesn’t want to do.

He attends therapy once a week so I am trying to get him some help.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 07/10/2017 18:01

I was fine with DS giving the other child his food

But it's not fine -

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/10/2017 18:13

But you didn’t say you were fine with it earlier. You said you didn’t want to make waves with the other child’s parents by bringing it to the teacher’s attention. Which is weird.

SilverySurfer · 07/10/2017 18:41

Can I just say I think some of you are being a bit hard on the OP. It's sometimes easier to see and solve an issue from the outside rather than the inside. The OP is now going to deal with it and hopefully it will be the end of it.

Hope it goes well on Monday, OP

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/10/2017 18:56

@Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar - I never once said I wasn’t fine with him sharing his food please read my opening post.

@SilverySurfer - Thank you, that’s so kind Flowers I wish others here would understand.

OP posts:
Nightsleepneeded · 07/10/2017 20:40

I can read properly OP. You referred to 'lunch' when you said your son had been 'violated', not just a drink.

You seem to be ignoring the fact that your son 'violated' this child. You also keep calling the child 'greedy'. Is that what you are using as justification to not punish your son from injuring this child?

peachgreen · 07/10/2017 21:34

This thread is vile. “My son physically injured another child but it’s okay because he’s fat and greedy. Did I mention that he was fat and therefore obviously greedy? Also he’s fat.”

Your son is obviously struggling to assert himself and by not disciplining him for what happened, he’s learnt that asserting himself physically is okay. Regardless of the circumstances, that’s not a lesson I’d want my child to learn.

As for what’s going on with this child, it’s really none of your business besides speaking with your child’s teacher to ensure your son no longer has his lunch stolen.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/10/2017 21:50

@peachgreen - Ok Hmm

OP posts:
Fluffypinkpyjamas · 07/10/2017 22:31

Now you’re just making shit up Peach Grin

GreenTulips · 07/10/2017 23:13

he’s learnt that asserting himself physically is okay

No he's learnt that of the adults don't act then he has too.

He's young, they have tempers and lash out, he was provoked over weeks, it's not OK but it's understandable

Sometimes you have to stand up to bullies. Bet the lad keeps his fingers out of his lunch box form now on.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/10/2017 23:23

What OP's son has learnt so far is that no one will help him and he mustn't ever stand up for himself, because his useless mother will then be 'embarrassed'.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/10/2017 23:39

@GreenTulips - Yes you’re right, when I spoke with him this morning I told him that it is not nice or ok to use violence and he said he wouldn’t do it again.
@ReanimatedSBG - Very nice of you to call me useless well done to you, I hope you feel better now.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 07/10/2017 23:46

Fluffy What am I making up? OP has repeatedly defended her son’s behaviour by reminding us that this boy must be greedy because he’s overweight.**

Tulips, Reanimated I agree that it’s not OP’s son’s fault that he’s had to resort to violence and he is too young to necessarily understand why that’s not okay but he never will unless OP tells him, and teaches him better ways to assert himself.* I agree that you have to stand up to bullies but not with violence.*

permatiredmum · 08/10/2017 02:54

The school should not allow sharing of food.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 08/10/2017 07:53

@permatiredmum - Lunch time staff obviously haven’t been aware of it happening or it would have been stopped.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 08/10/2017 09:38

The school should not allow sharing of food

They don't

OP thought she was doing the kid a favour

permatiredmum · 08/10/2017 10:08

If it is a school rule not to share food then you should have discouraged your child from giving L anything as soon as you became aware that this was happening.. You might not have had an issue with this but that is not the point, it might have caused L significant harm!

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 08/10/2017 10:33

@permatiredmum - It has been done now, I can not turn back the clock. So I don’t want to continuously hear what I should and shouldn’t have done, it’s irrelevant now.

Yes the food could have caused him harm but it didn’t!

@GreenTulips - And no I didn’t think I was doing the child a favour, so don’t assume.

OP posts:
Sayyouwill · 08/10/2017 10:39

The thing is OP is that people on here are genuinely concerned about your attitude.
Should a similar thing happen in the future, will you also not see a problem?
Surely you see that by not helping your son by reporting this you are just showing him that he can't depend on you. He may just not come to you in the future because you'll just tell him to crack on but tell a teacher who can deal with it... not you.
Your attitude to this other child is horrid as well. Genetics play a huge part in physical development. Perhaps, even if he has slight parents, his genes could mean he gains weight quicker than other children. His parents could be working on his weight and by you essentially feeding him additional food than what they have, you're causing more problems. He's a child for goodness sake. He didn't deserve to be injured because of your lack of parenting. The fact that you don't understand the consequences of your actions is worrying. If you indicated you felt any remorse or concern for your child and the other child then maybe you wouldn't be getting such a hard time