To not punish DS?

[LoyaltyAndLobster]

DS6 was involved in an incident during lunch time at school today, in which he bent back another child’s finger. A little bit of a back story since starting the new term he has become more closer to another boy (lets just call him L) in his class that he wasn’t as close to before – about two weeks ago I noticed that his lunch box had been coming back more or less empty, he normally just drinks his drink and eats a little bit of the fruit I put in for him, 70% of the time his roll/sandwich comes back untouched but when it doesn’t come back I always ask did he eat it all, and his answer to that is always “just a little bit” cut a long story short – I found out that he has been “sharing” his word for giving, his lunch with L, which I am fine about, it is not an issue as the food he doesn’t eat only goes in the bin anyway, also a few times he has asked if he we have some popcorn/sweets that I can put in his lunch box “because L likes them” the school lunch policy is very strict and those kind of foods are forbidden.

At beginning of this week DS told me that he doesn’t want to share his food with L anymore because L doesn’t say please and just takes it without asking. In any other situation I would have spoken to his teacher about it, but I see it as a very embarrassing situation. I would never want to be confronted by anyone and told my child eating has been someone else’s lunch. Yes I understand that they’re children but there are certain boundaries that you don’t cross, and at age 6 a child should know that’s one of them. So I told DS that if it happens again he is to say "no" to L and tell the nearest member of staff.

When DP collected DS from school this afternoon he was told by his teacher what happened during lunch break and also that DS got pretty upset afterwards but wouldn’t tell any staff what happened. He told DP on the way home what happened and why he did it. Which was L he kept taking his food, and drinking DS drink first and drinking it all.

I am very disappointed in DS and I can say as his mother what he did was very spiteful, and if someone was to do the same thing to him I would be furious. But I have decided that am not going to punish him for what he did or even speak to him about what happened, because I don't want him to feel bad and also because the other child has been taking advantage out of him. Do you think AIBU?

DS is at a private prep, so free school meals or the child not being fed at home could never be an excuse for the other child to help himself to my sons lunch

Please, PLEASE don't kid yourself about this. Neglect happens at all levels of society.

Of course, the boy might not be hungry, but he might be, and that makes it a safeguarding issue that should be raised with school.

I wouldn't punish mine for that. I would give him advice for next time and definitely mention it to teachers.
He's probably bent the boys finger just by trying to keep his own lunch.

Very confused - you were embarrassed when you found out about this situation, so you didn't tell the teacher? I think its you who needs telling off, not your 6 year old! Basically your son is being bullied by L, and he got fed up of it and hurt L as a result. Lessons are a bit all over the place here after what you did its hard for your DS to see what is right and wrong.

Ok so tell him not to do it again, and see the teacher on Monday - don't let his happen again at lunchtime.

FFS don't punish your poor son. He's effectively being bullied by the other child and you have let him down enough already by whining and wringing your hands and doing fuck all about the situation.
Go to the school and explain what your DS has previously told you - that the other boy has been taking DS' food - there is an explanation for your DS' behaviour which they need to hear. (Whether they will investigate further why this other boy is so hungry/greedy is not your concern.)

You left your 6 year old to handle an upsetting situation by himself. He was asking you for help and you were too wet to do anything.
It's not great that he resorted to physical violence but he is 6. He didn't know what else to do to make the other boy leave him alone.

You've handled it really badly from the start I'm afraid. You should have put a stop to lunch sharing from the start (most schools don't like this due to allergies), you certainly should have spoken to the teacher once it became an issue.

I think not speaking to him about it at all is ridiculous. You need to punish but how is he meant to learn and understand if you don't guide him? Sorry but you need to do a bit of actual parenting hear which means talking!

You don't need to punish that should say

I think you need to have a real talk with your son about it as there will be similar children in the future so he learns from this situation and to go to a teacher sooner if he is having trouble. It can't just be excused with no remorse - things like this are bound to happen again so he needs to elarn to do things differently next time.

However, I also think you need to realise that you need to speak up for your son at his young age. He told you about a problem that he is not yet equipped to deal with and so I think you should have spoken to a teacher on his behalf. It may seem embarrassing but it usually worth it and lets the child know that the parents will back them up.

I know a couple of people who were bullied and whose parents did nothing to help but just turned a blind eye (for whatever reason) and they grew up feel quite betrayed by their parents.

Obviously I am not talking about being 'that parent' or protecting precious Jonny/ Jane even when they are in the wrong - just having a word with the teacher when your child tells you they are having problems :)

No don’t punish him but you do need to speak to him.

Reiterate if this happens again, or in any other situation, reacting with aggression gets you nowhere. Your first advice to him was great. Tell him that again and leave it at that.

But I think you need to speak to the school too to clarify the situation with them. They would want to know. X

@Fluffypinkpyjamas - DP said more or less the same thing.
@FenceSitter01- The child also has his own packed lunch that’s the thing, it is very clear that he is just being greedy!

I think I will speak to him tomorrow about what happened.

No OP... I would not punish your DS...

You don't want him to feel bad about bending back another child's finger? I'll be blunt and very honest here - I think that is exceptionally weak parenting on your part. Your backstory to the incident was totally unnecessary - if he was being nagged at by another child he should have told a teacher. Resorting to physically hurting the other child is not an acceptable course of action, and if you don't teach him it's wrong you're basically saying it's fine for him to lash out at people.

''I applaud your naivety that you think 'rich' children don't go hungry. Anyway. As an aside, you want some form of justification for your son being abusive but you're not finding it here ''

Er I think you'll find she is also those saying the other child maybe hungry, OP addressed that already and even if he was, OP is not obliged to feed someone else's child ffs.

I think you need to address your own issues here OP, your ds was not "spiteful", he came to you and told you he did not want to share his food any longer, however for some unknown reason you choose to ignore this and allow your child to be in the situation he is now in.

He was not "spiteful" in trying to stop a child taking his lunch, he was just being a very little boy.

No child should be taking your childs lunch and at my childs school this would not be allowed to happen for numerous reasons, and primary because of health reasons, allergy/contaminated allergies/bullying etc...

You were BU to your son!

I don't punish my kids anyway so no I wouldn't punish him. Besides I'd want to bend someones finger back that had his hand in my lunchbox too tbh. The only thing stopping me would be my age and maturity! I would talk to him about it along the lines of 'what happened with L today at lunchtime'? then get his version and just talk about how he can speak to a teacher instead of lashing out but I understand why you were angry etc.

I do agree with others though that this is nothing to be embarrassed about and could potentially have been prevented in the first place. I would also tell my kids not to share their lunches as a rule too, it's important at 6 to see what they ate or left as they don't tell you!

Oh do stop whining about 'bending another child's finger back'. None of you witnessed it, and for all we know the other kid is a manipulative, dishonest little sod and OP's DS was just trying to take his own food back and the finger-bending was accidental - but the other kid wanted to play victim.

You take packed lunches to private schools? Don't they have a dining hall (or whatever it's called in private schools). If I was paying ££££_ for private education, I'd be fucked off if I was expected to piss around with packed lunches. I'd be expecting a nutritionally balanced hot meal, with possibly silver service.

You need to speak to the teacher, not only to find out what happened but to try and prevent it happening again

OP knows what was happening, OP chose not to share the information with the teacher, so it's pointless asking the teacher what happened, because she had no idea.

It could've been prevented int he forstnplace by OP voicing her sons concerns to the school and allowing them to deal with it at the time it was happening.

Sorry OP fault is entirely yours - your children need your voice and you chose to stay silent and let them both down

@Fluffypinkpyjamas - Thank you
@Mamabear4180 - I WILL speak to him at some point tomorrow
@GriefLeavesItsMark - At any school whether it be private or state you are given the option whether you want your child to have school meals or a packed lunch from home, DS has always wanted “food from home” even though the menu looked very nice, and also there must be a reason why the other child’s parents want him to have packed lunch too, but that isn’t any of my business.

I'm wondering whether L's parents are deliberately restricting certain foods and drinks because he is overweight. His asking for sweets and popcorn implies he's wanting food he isn't normally allowed. There may be a good medical reason for this.

As a teacher I hope I would have noticed L getting into your DS's lunchbox. If not I certainly would have wanted to be told, by the parent if the child's didn't let me know. Do speak to the teacher when you have concerns.

Lots of mini issues..Firstly a 6 year old does not have the skills to cope with such a situation..Your decision to not talk to the teacher has not modeled issues a child can't resolve you didn't t show him talking to the teacher can resolve issues.

Secondly yes you do need to go into the school now and find a solution.

I also would be asking my child why they didn't follow the advice though at 6 I would expect far less impulse control.

OP Can you get DS to try a week on the school meals? This may solve the problem.
He does need to be told not to hurt other children but to get adult help when needed.

You need to talk to the school about it.

The other boy is also only 6 and needs someone other than your DS to tell him that what he is doing is wrong.

It doesn't have to be a huge embarrassing deal - Just drop a friendly word to the teacher what the other boy has been doing. He won't be the first child in the schools' history to do this.

They will then know to keep an eye on him.

This all really could have been avoided, to be honest.

No, you should not punish your DS

But you should speak to him about the situation. I have no idea why the other child was taking his food...he could be greedy or he could be hungry, but either way the school need to be aware this is happening, and your DS needs to know to tell an adult in school this is happening, rather than physically hurt the other child.

The bit you are being you are being unreasonable about it not speaking to the school sooner, so the situation escalated to this point.

If I were 6yo and someone was eating my food and I didn't know how to stop them (by involving an adult) as using my words wasn't working I too would probably push their hand away and their finger may well be bent and they'd cry. Aged 45 I would push you away if you took my food every day

I agree you shouldn't punish your child but you do need to talk to him so he knows that you know it happened and he knows it's not an okay response to the situation.

Also he is too little just to be left to sort out his lunch thief by himself, however embarrassed he is at that age you need to have a quiet word with the teacher to get the situation sorted.

You should talk to ds and chat about how he could have felt with it without hurting a child.

You should have spoken to the teacher, you left your child to deal with a situation he wasn't equipped to deal with.