To not punish DS?

[LoyaltyAndLobster]

DS6 was involved in an incident during lunch time at school today, in which he bent back another child’s finger. A little bit of a back story since starting the new term he has become more closer to another boy (lets just call him L) in his class that he wasn’t as close to before – about two weeks ago I noticed that his lunch box had been coming back more or less empty, he normally just drinks his drink and eats a little bit of the fruit I put in for him, 70% of the time his roll/sandwich comes back untouched but when it doesn’t come back I always ask did he eat it all, and his answer to that is always “just a little bit” cut a long story short – I found out that he has been “sharing” his word for giving, his lunch with L, which I am fine about, it is not an issue as the food he doesn’t eat only goes in the bin anyway, also a few times he has asked if he we have some popcorn/sweets that I can put in his lunch box “because L likes them” the school lunch policy is very strict and those kind of foods are forbidden.

At beginning of this week DS told me that he doesn’t want to share his food with L anymore because L doesn’t say please and just takes it without asking. In any other situation I would have spoken to his teacher about it, but I see it as a very embarrassing situation. I would never want to be confronted by anyone and told my child eating has been someone else’s lunch. Yes I understand that they’re children but there are certain boundaries that you don’t cross, and at age 6 a child should know that’s one of them. So I told DS that if it happens again he is to say "no" to L and tell the nearest member of staff.

When DP collected DS from school this afternoon he was told by his teacher what happened during lunch break and also that DS got pretty upset afterwards but wouldn’t tell any staff what happened. He told DP on the way home what happened and why he did it. Which was L he kept taking his food, and drinking DS drink first and drinking it all.

I am very disappointed in DS and I can say as his mother what he did was very spiteful, and if someone was to do the same thing to him I would be furious. But I have decided that am not going to punish him for what he did or even speak to him about what happened, because I don't want him to feel bad and also because the other child has been taking advantage out of him. Do you think AIBU?

OP, it's really not ideal that the situation has gotten this far. The "sharing" needed to be addressed at the start because this other boy was essentially manipulating your son out of his lunch. I understand that you were happy for it not to go to waste, but the arrangement wasn't doing either boy any favours.

Now you may have a set of irate parents to deal with in top of everything else. You need to speak to the teachers so that they can watch the other boy in case he tries again or moves on to another target.

I do think that you need to discuss what went wrong with your son. At 6, and in the middle of a confrontation, he may not be able to be assertive and say no or ask for help. Lunchtimes are always a bit chaotic and staff aren't always nearby.

Just a thought but did he deliberately bend Ls finger back or was he trying to prise it off his lunch?

The teacher didn't know what was going on and without context would see an argument and deliberate violence.

In the kindest way. You seem overly concerned with people feeling "bad". It isn't embarrassing for you to tell the teacher that your sons lunch is being eaten by someone else. Realising you behaved in a wrong way is a learning experience not just about feeling guilty or ashamed. You ant learn to handle "bad" feelings if you never experience them after all.

I would talk to your son but again that doesn't necessarily mean a telling off.

HOW ridiculous you not speaking to the teacher about this. Don’t understand your logic at all.

Your son should never hurt anyone regardless of what they say or steal. Your son should have reported the incidents.

You can both learn from this. Punishing is unnecessary. .

Agree with everyone else that you should have spoken to the school when your son first told you about it for the sake of both boys.

If I remember correctly from another thread, ds suffers from anxiety and has been tearful about going to school. It really wasn't fair to let him deal with this himself. He needs you to speak up for him.

YABU. Not talking to him is not helpful, it's lazy. He should feel bad about it, he has done sonething wrong. Sure the other boy took his lunch, which was wrong but physically hurting him is worse.

Don't punish your DS but do speak to him about it. Apologise to him for leaving him to deal with the situation alone at 6 years old.

The flip side to what your dp and fluffypyjamas has said is that your ds has had to resort to violence to solve his issue. Yes it may stop it (and it may not it sounds as if there are some goid issues) but at what cost. Your unwillingness/embarrassment at discussing it either with him or the teacher has meant he now thinks he needs to resort to violence to get his voice heard

I think you need to speak to your son, but more importantly you need to speak to the school.

Speak to the school. Of course they need to know if a child is having their lunch stolen. I don't want to make you feel bad but it may not have escalated to this point if staff had been made aware, or at the very least they'd have understood your DS's actions right away.

@Coloursthatweremyjoy - I am not too sure whether it was deliberate or an accident, DP collected DS from school this afternoon and due to that I only know what he told me, he isn’t the person to ask questions. The reason why I didn’t want to bring up the situation with DS because he already got upset which means probably cried after the incident, and me bringing it up would upset him again.

I am heavily pregnant at the moment so I haven’t been taking or collecting DS and he only just told me at the beginning of the week that he want didn’t to “share” his food with L anymore, he hasn’t mentioned it again so I generally thought all was ok.

@Officetoffee - If you had read the whole of
any other thread you would know that DS has been much happier recently and looks forward to going to school every morning, and I think it is very unfair of you to bring that up on this thread.

he didn’t mention it again**

You could try and talk to him tomorrow. I do think it's important that he knows he can talk things through with you...sounds to me as if he got a bit fed up tbh. Can you imagine if that was happening to you?

It's not too late to talk to the teacher.

You can’t teach a child that violence is ever acceptable. It’s a terrible message to send. Yes “L”has been out of order, but violence isn’t the answer to that. At this age you need to make that very very clear.

Because if you don’t, and he grows up to think it’s ok, and he starts to hurt his wife, his kids, his friends, you, his parents, his work colleagues when they behave in a way he deems unacceptable , it will be too late to pull it back, so yes, you need to talk to him and you need to talk to him fast.

@Bluntness100 - I have never given out the impression that I think what he did was acceptable. Yes I know that he hurt another child and I WILL speak to him tomorrow about what happened, other children at school have upset him in the past and I have always spoken to his teacher about it and it has quickly been resolved.

Because if you don’t, and he grows up to think it’s ok, and he starts to hurt his wife, his kids, his friends, you, his parents, his work colleagues when they behave in a way he deems unacceptable , it will be too late to pull it back, so yes, you need to talk to him and you need to talk to him fast

That was very uncalled for, my son hurt a child who has been continuously violating him by helping himself to my sons lunch, and now you are saying that if I don’t speak to him about it, he may go on to hurt others? this is the reason I don’t like to post things on here as there is always that one person that enjoys blowing things out of proportion.

@Quartz2208 - I have been meaning to answer your question whether he was punished at school, I’m really not sure whether he was or not due to him getting upset and not wanting to tell anyone what happened.

You better go wake him up and talk about it now before he turns into a finger bending thug for life, Loyalty. :o

I'm surprised the school doesn't have strict "no sharing lunch" rules at this age. Certainly DC's school did - both for allergies and because parents like to know what their DC are eating!

The fault is yours for avoiding this issue because it's "embarrassing". Talk to the school, ffs.

I'm going to go against everyone and say personally I wouldn't tell my children off for stopping a thief by hurting them.

The fact the child didn't mind sharing then started asking for different foods then wanted the sharing to stop L was likely bullying your son into sharing. I have no sympathy for nasty children when another child has has enough and snaps.

Bluntness was saying more bluntly and perhaps a little hyperbolic what i was saying in that your failure to talk to the teacher has meant he has solved his issue with violence. That you have to raise these issues with both the teacher (ignore being embarrassed) and him (even if it upsets him).

He hasn't done anything wrong other than react but you do need to address the fact that it came to this.

@Chattymummyhere - Thanks

chatty I agree that telling off isn't required, but I don't think that's what most posters are saying. You can tell a child that hurting people is never ok without turning it into a lecture or telling off. OP absolutely needs to speak to her DS to make sure he understands that he shouldn't hurt other people.

OP, you gave your DS some good coping strategies (saying no, telling a teacher) but I think at that age it can be difficult for kids to follow through on their own without adult support, and as the teachers didn't know about the situation they couldn't be on the lookout to give your DS the support that he needed. Talk to him tomorrow about not hurting people, reiterate the things that he could do instead if it comes up again, and explain everything to the teacher on Monday morning and ask them to keep an eye out. Personally I'd also tell them that he's been talked to about hurting people as well, just so it doesn't seem like you're trying to simply push blame onto L.

If you don't punish your DS, ok but surely the very least you need to do is explain why physical violence is wrong and give him some coping strategies on how do deal with the other boy?

There is no way in hell he should be punished!
Not by you or the school!
He told you L was taking his lunch, you did nothing

(and when having a word with the school i would let them know it was YOUR failure not his that caused this situation
(and maybe a little on them for not noticing his lunch was being taken, with allergies etc they possibly should have been keeping an eye out on sharing food)

He reacted and let L know hes to stop stealing his lunch in maybe the only way he felt would get his point across!

have a word with him and all the usual... hands aint for hitting, hugs not drugs, mess with the bull get the horns, use your words etc etc and then PROMISE you wont ever let him down again and dont!