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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or was this mum's reaction completely out of order?

228 replies

Mummamia123 · 06/10/2017 13:13

Hi, just looking for some perspective on this. My son who is 2 1/2 is quite boisterous when he plays, he's got no malice in him bless him, but he can be a bit rough when playing! He loves playing tag with other children and but is too young to realise that others don't always understand the game and can be upset and think he's pushing. Recently while at our local baby group this 'tag' obsession ended up in him pushing another child twice. The first time I immediately told him not to push, then apologised to his mother whilst also looking after my young baby. The second time I was watching from across the room (again with my young baby) sprinted across to handle the situation, however the mother's instant reaction was to angrily shout "WHERE'S HIS MOTHER?" Before storming off with "That's the second time that's happened!". The group isn't that large so her aggressive response caused the whole room to stop! I again immediately apologised and told my son we were going home. Am I wrong or was her reaction completely inappropriate for a situation concerning toddlers? I've lost count of the amount of times my son has been pushed by other children, had toys snatched from him, etc and not once did I react like that! Just hoping I suppose that I'm not alone in thinking that we've all got to expect a certain amount of roughness in play and misunderstandings with babies. I would understand more if he were older but even then I'd expect the parent in question to quietly take me to one side and chat about it, not try to publicly parent-shame! Would love to hear some thoughts on this. Also, should I talk to the mum about it the next time I see her? Or stop my son from playing with her child? Help would be much appreciated ❤️

OP posts:
Iloveanimals · 06/10/2017 19:39

I don't think OP will be coming back purpletango

sukitea · 06/10/2017 19:49

I'm laid back but there is something quite enjoyable about watching someone snap after a "boisterous without malice" child hits/bites/pushes another child for the umpteenth time. The parent of child always looks shocked as if they can't believe what they are hearing.

Nicpem1982 · 06/10/2017 19:52

Sukitea Grin there is

Lulub85 · 06/10/2017 20:13

Wow - lots of you really like a witch hunt don't you? All of you wonderful perfect parents with your perfect children who would never do anything wrong ever! I think OP sadly misjudged how nasty people can be behind their keyboards. The Chinese whispers is also highly amusing - it's gone from a toddler pushing another child twice to 'She's one of those mothers who let's their child terrorise other children, sits back relaxes and laughs!!!!!!!' Ridiculous. Have some compassion people, if this hasn't happened to you at some point with your children then you should count yourself lucky. She clearly stated that she told her child not to push, and removed him when he carried on. What else would you have her do? Hang in there OP, hoping you take the constructive and helpful feedback from this but ignore the trolls!

CorbynsBumFlannel · 06/10/2017 20:20

I don't think anyone has said their kids never do anything wrong! I said I had to shadow my ds until he was 5 to avoid this kind of behaviour!
As for what I expect the op to do. I expect her to be close enough to stop her child from hitting others. It's something she knows he does regularly so she needs to be right by him to try and prevent it. Not moan about parents who have the audacity to be anything less than delighted with her 'boisterous' ds when their kids are repeatedly hit.

JonSnowsWife · 06/10/2017 20:21

Wow - lots of you really like a witch hunt don't you

Don't be silly. Witch hunt indeed.

Lulub85 · 06/10/2017 20:21

She didn't say he hurt anyone - she just said he pushed, if it was a 'tag' I doubt the child even fell over. Why do you assume it is 'children', she mentions one incident and doesn't state it's happened before only that he can be 'boisterous' which doesn't mean badly behaved just that he doesn't know his own strength sometimes. Maybe have some compassion. This is a real person, with real feelings asking for advice not judgement.

CoveredInFondant · 06/10/2017 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 06/10/2017 20:27

She says he loves playing tag with other children. 2 year olds don't play tag. He is just pushing/hitting other kids. The child in question had been hit 'tagged' twice. It's irrelevant whether they fell over - the op needs to prevent her child from doing that to other children.
She came on here to ask if she was being u and lots of posters think she is. Either it's a witch hunt or she might just be unreasonable in letting her child push others around.

JonSnowsWife · 06/10/2017 20:31

She didn't say he hurt anyone - she just said he pushed, if it was a 'tag' I doubt the child even fell over

He's pushing them. Not hugging them so it stands to reason the littler ones may get hurt Hmm

Many posters gave good advice and honest advice too (isn't that what MN is renowned for?). Just because they disagreed doesn't make them perfect parents or anything.

Accusations of parent shaming pile-ons and witch-hunts from some posters are ridiculous analogies.

mirime · 06/10/2017 20:43

DS went through a hitting phase at about that age. It was a nightmare, and he didn't seem to be able to help it - really, it was like he felt compelled to do it. Stopped as quickly as it started.

I just had to stand over him at toddler group, take him out of the room if tried anything. Then back in, and if he did it again we went home. Everyone there was really supportive.

Tbh, I tended to stand over him at toddler group anyway as he is very active and at that age it's so easy for them to knock someone else over or hurt themselves just because they're not looking where they're going. The hitting was a complete surprise though - before that he used to hug everyone.

Worriedaboutboy · 06/10/2017 21:19

Witch hunt!? OP asked for an opinion and she got it. I'd never known a toddler of that age know the rules of tag tbh. He's too boisterous, bless him, and doesn't understand. Not the kids' fault. Parents' fault for allowing this. I'm first to tell my son off if he's pushing boundaries, often too quickly as I want him to have manners and respect.

WellThisIsShit · 06/10/2017 22:00

Did anyone see Ah's post a way back thataway?

Sohurt17 · 06/10/2017 22:10

What time Well? I can’t see a poster call Ah...

Afternooncatnap · 06/10/2017 22:38

I noticed ah post and thought she was the other mum in the op situation. If she is it would be interesting to see her point of view in a bit more detail

peaceloveandbiscuits · 06/10/2017 22:47

People who tout the "boys will be boys" crap are usually those teaching/allowing boys to behave more aggressively than girls, and deterring them from more sensitive pastimes, by virtue of their genitalia.

All children, regardless of sex, would be feral if we as their parents didn't teach them that playing tag shoving and pushing is unkind and wrong. Get a fucking grip.

Iloveanimals · 06/10/2017 23:05

I can't see Ahs post either....

Lulub85 · 06/10/2017 23:19

I doubt that 'Ah' and the other mum know each other. The UK is bigger than Mumsnet posters and to be honest I have been to baby groups with my 4 for years, this situation is really common. Sorry there are lots of constructive posts here but I've been in a situation with PND, no sleep, a baby and a toddler. I feel for this lady, and I think she needs compassion and help (and OP if I were there I would have hugged you and offered to help - we're not all judgemental so stay strong ❤️)

WellThisIsShit · 06/10/2017 23:43

I'll try and dig it out...

ginplease8383 · 06/10/2017 23:44

I have an absolute pickle of a 3 yo DD and even on a good day I wouldn't be letting her play tag at a playgroup function where there is plenty of opportunity for her to be a bit rough or not realise who is playing and knock them over. I do this because this is exactly the sort of thing that happens. So instead until I can trust her, I'm always a couple of steps away to intervene this makes me sound nuts but I wouldn't want anyone else's child to be hurt by mine. So I think you are being a bit unreasonable yes

ginplease8383 · 06/10/2017 23:50

But OP I've been there- the only thing my DD hasn't done is bite and every day has been a struggle. I'm thinking possible SEN but not sure.
it's tiring when you've gone to playgroup with a baby to get some adult company and the last thing you want to do is hover over him

londonrach · 07/10/2017 05:01

Yes she over reacted but you son had done it twice. You dont know if shes had a bad night and your sons behaviour last straw. However you were also in the wrong. Tell your son not to play tag and if necessary remove him from the situation. Sounds like you were busy with the baby and not monitoring your son which is understandable.

HashtagTired · 07/10/2017 05:39

I’d like to think I wouldn’t react like this but I wouldn’t rule it out.
If my daughter was being pushed by the same child I think I might lose my shit.
But if the mother had already politely apologised to me and acknowledged the behaviour I’d like to think I wouldn’t publicly ‘parent shame’ (as you put it), but tell you to get a grip on your child because he keeps pushing my daughter and she is getting upset.

That all said, I’m incredibly sleep deprived atm and I have little tolerance for anything that upsets my chi....

strugglingthroughlife · 07/10/2017 08:02

I’m of the opinion that if you know he is like that then you have to stay close to him!

I did react like this once, when one child but my child on the arm so hard! He wouldn’t let go, I actually ended up dragging her child to her by the arm while mine was crying uncontrollably, he was bruised for about a week or more.

If your child is known to behave like that you HAVE to stay close by

lunar1 · 07/10/2017 08:18

You think you were supervising everyone else thinks you were watching your son push other children around.

You need to stop him playing tag, unfortunately he doesn’t understand the rules. For a start it’s an outdoor game and secondly it’s a light tap when you tag someone. And finally it’s only played with children who want to join in. Pushing over children is just rough play.

Let him play it when he is old enough to understand those things.