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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or was this mum's reaction completely out of order?

228 replies

Mummamia123 · 06/10/2017 13:13

Hi, just looking for some perspective on this. My son who is 2 1/2 is quite boisterous when he plays, he's got no malice in him bless him, but he can be a bit rough when playing! He loves playing tag with other children and but is too young to realise that others don't always understand the game and can be upset and think he's pushing. Recently while at our local baby group this 'tag' obsession ended up in him pushing another child twice. The first time I immediately told him not to push, then apologised to his mother whilst also looking after my young baby. The second time I was watching from across the room (again with my young baby) sprinted across to handle the situation, however the mother's instant reaction was to angrily shout "WHERE'S HIS MOTHER?" Before storming off with "That's the second time that's happened!". The group isn't that large so her aggressive response caused the whole room to stop! I again immediately apologised and told my son we were going home. Am I wrong or was her reaction completely inappropriate for a situation concerning toddlers? I've lost count of the amount of times my son has been pushed by other children, had toys snatched from him, etc and not once did I react like that! Just hoping I suppose that I'm not alone in thinking that we've all got to expect a certain amount of roughness in play and misunderstandings with babies. I would understand more if he were older but even then I'd expect the parent in question to quietly take me to one side and chat about it, not try to publicly parent-shame! Would love to hear some thoughts on this. Also, should I talk to the mum about it the next time I see her? Or stop my son from playing with her child? Help would be much appreciated ❤️

OP posts:
Ttbb · 06/10/2017 14:55

If it happened twice it would be reasonable. If he was in a pushy mood you should have stayed close by.

FindTheLightSwitchDarren · 06/10/2017 14:55

I don't think I'd have screamed like the other mum did, but I admit I have thought the same thing in my head ("WHER'S HIS / HER FUCKING MUM / DAD / GRANNY / CHILDMINDER etc?") many times at toddler groups. But from your more recent posts it sounds like you were really close by. I've seen it in big(ish) rooms where the mum or dad is nowhere to be seen while their "spirited" child is wreaking utter havoc.

My DD has been both the giver and receiver of pushes on occasion and I'd call it normal toddler behaviour. But, I can't say she's ever pushed twice in the same session or been pushed by the same child twice in the same session, so I do think his rough play tendencies could do with being addressed maybe?

gandalf456 · 06/10/2017 14:55

This thread sums up what I hate about toddler groups. I'm glad mine are older now.

These things can happen in a split second. Yes, some parents could supervise more but if it the case where you have to stand ovwr them constantly because they don't liaten, you are better aking them somewhere where they can let off steam . My ds got like this as he grew too old for groups

IshouldntcareaboutthisbutIdo · 06/10/2017 14:56

And yes I would see if you can have a word with her and apologise again. Stay as close as you can to your DS and just keep the message going in to him. What actually helped me was other mothers telling him off to reinforce the message - can you get some of your friends to help with this? What is he like in other social situations - eg. a nursery setting or anywhere when you are not around?

dustarr73 · 06/10/2017 14:58

What if my aunt had balls?

Then she would be your uncle Grin

paxillin · 06/10/2017 14:59

Stop him "playing tag"; since he clearly isn't. He is too young for tag, he doesn't understand what it means (light touch, all players know they are playing). He can play tag in three years' time when he is old enough and the kids around him are, too.

Ploppie4 · 06/10/2017 15:00

It’s appropriate for her to feel completely exasperated with your son. It’s not personal, she was just naturally very cross. If your son is quite rough you do need to follow him round. Although pushing is well within the realm of normal toddler behaviour, most toddlers don’t push a lot. Going home was a good idea if your son was struggling. Maybe take him for a good run round at the park for an hour first before popping along to the playgroup. Run off some energy. Tomorrow is a new day and approach it with vigilant eyes and positivity. Next week hold your head up high and carry on as normal.

Bettyspants · 06/10/2017 15:01

Shouting- out of order.
Your child pushing another child roughly twice- also out of order.
Knowing your child can be rough but being the opposite side of the far enough that you needed to 'sprint' also- imo -out of order.
I'd have had a word with you, not shouting but certainly making you aware it was not acceptable

cookies107 · 06/10/2017 15:02

All kids that age can be boisterous, I would say its totally normal thats why we are there to supervise, but look, accidents happen,they hit/snatch etc-they don't know right from wrong, they need telling, they are TODDLERS! The other mum, i can understand her upset but her reaction, also in front of a bunch of tiny ones is OTT and a bad example. If i was another parent watching that I would have told her she needs to cool it in front of the kids or get out!

Ploppie4 · 06/10/2017 15:03

It’s always good to apologise on your sons behalf. As long as you’re vigilant and following him round while he’s rough playing it’s fine

NerrSnerr · 06/10/2017 15:08

My daughter is very quiet and always seemed to be on the receiving end of pushes and shoves before she was old enough to get out of the way. It’s annoying when it happens multiple times and the parents are just not intervening. In my opinion the boy should have been told to stop playing tig after the first push.

Positivelyhappy · 06/10/2017 15:09

Shouting was a total over reaction! I have never been at a playgroup where a parent reacted like that, NEVER. Take the parent aside if you must but don't shout so the whole room stops. WTF. Ruins the playgroup for everyone. FWIW, my kids are very gentle and yes I am still tolerant of boisterous kids!

SandyY2K · 06/10/2017 15:11

YABU

I would probably be as miffed as she was. Boisterous kids are usually just naughty IME.

What's his punishment for pushing other children over? Because saying 'stop' isn't enough.

RolfNotRudolf · 06/10/2017 15:20

He is 2 1/2. He's not "playing tag", he's playing running up to other children and pushing them. YABU to think that is acceptable behaviour.

purplecollar · 06/10/2017 15:21

It's hard to watch them all the time if you have a baby as well. But you have to really try if they're prone to bothering others. Shouting is nasty though. She shouldn't have made you feel unwelcome in this way.

SandyY2K · 06/10/2017 15:21

All kids that age can be boisterous

But they aren't all boisterous.

OP I think it's hard for you because you have a baby as well

I was kind of in your position...with a toddler and a baby, except I was running to rescue my toddler from another who had pushed or hit her.

In the end I stopped going because it was so stressful.

RavingRoo · 06/10/2017 15:28

I agree with @rolf. At 2 and a half he knows he’s hurting a child and doing it anyway because mummy deareat doesn’t pay attention to him until another parent calls her out.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2017 15:33

Wow all the perfect parents out there, with perfect kids! Op has said she has another baby, so was probably with him/her. Yes some kids are rough as toddlers, no op ds was not playing tag. That is why I avoided toddler groups with ds, and when he was old enough, sent him to pre school.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2017 15:37

Op you were trying tge best you can in that situation, looking after a toddler at the same time a baby. You apologised to the mum and told your ds to not do it again. Tge second time was going to take him home. I woukd have seen you struggling and have some blooming empathy! What I woukd have been annoyed is, if you sat back and did nothing, drinking cups of tea and talking.

scottishdiem · 06/10/2017 15:45

I think that if the other mother had done that after the first time she would have been U but twice is much more problematic.

Crimblewick · 06/10/2017 15:46

I actually take my DD to playgroups etc so that she DOES get pushed about and things snatched off her by other children

!!??

Crimblewick · 06/10/2017 15:54

All kids that age can be boisterous

Not all. Some are calm and thoughtful, and not given to rough play.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2017 15:59

Wow wish I had a calm thoughtful toddler. DS is now 5:5 years and has grown out of it and is quite well behaved most of the time, especially at school.

MrsMargeSimpson · 06/10/2017 16:10

Aeroflot I wish all other parents had your empathy. Luckily the only toddler group I stayed at housed the mums like you, ones who actually understand children.

BlueSapp · 06/10/2017 16:20

Calm thoughtful toddler boys not given to rough play, are few and far between and certainly not the norm.

Little boys like to be rough that just a fact of their make up.

my ds is 3 and started nursey, I walked in with him the first day and the teacher says, "oh there are twice as many boys as girls in this year group, there is certainly going to be some rough and tumble going on"

This is just the way boys are, the calm ones need to learn how to cope with this because you will need to at some point. They can't be wrapped in cotton wool.

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