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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or was this mum's reaction completely out of order?

228 replies

Mummamia123 · 06/10/2017 13:13

Hi, just looking for some perspective on this. My son who is 2 1/2 is quite boisterous when he plays, he's got no malice in him bless him, but he can be a bit rough when playing! He loves playing tag with other children and but is too young to realise that others don't always understand the game and can be upset and think he's pushing. Recently while at our local baby group this 'tag' obsession ended up in him pushing another child twice. The first time I immediately told him not to push, then apologised to his mother whilst also looking after my young baby. The second time I was watching from across the room (again with my young baby) sprinted across to handle the situation, however the mother's instant reaction was to angrily shout "WHERE'S HIS MOTHER?" Before storming off with "That's the second time that's happened!". The group isn't that large so her aggressive response caused the whole room to stop! I again immediately apologised and told my son we were going home. Am I wrong or was her reaction completely inappropriate for a situation concerning toddlers? I've lost count of the amount of times my son has been pushed by other children, had toys snatched from him, etc and not once did I react like that! Just hoping I suppose that I'm not alone in thinking that we've all got to expect a certain amount of roughness in play and misunderstandings with babies. I would understand more if he were older but even then I'd expect the parent in question to quietly take me to one side and chat about it, not try to publicly parent-shame! Would love to hear some thoughts on this. Also, should I talk to the mum about it the next time I see her? Or stop my son from playing with her child? Help would be much appreciated ❤️

OP posts:
MrsMargeSimpson · 06/10/2017 16:22

Don your hard hat Blue MN doesn’t like that truth opinion!

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2017 16:24

Little boys like to be rough that just a fact of their make up.

ALL little boys? Bullshit.

BlueSapp · 06/10/2017 16:27

Shaking in my boots! Marge

FindTheLightSwitchDarren · 06/10/2017 16:28

Don your hard hat Blue MN doesn’t like that truth opinion!

I can't speak for all of MN, but I hate the "boys will be boys" defence for poor behaviour (not that I think the op's son did anything terrible fwiw). But generally speaking, I find excusing males' poor behaviour by attributing that behaviour to their maleness is inadvisable imo.

Talking generally in response to this comment^^. Not about the op really.

BlueSapp · 06/10/2017 16:31

There is a difference between "bad" behaviour and playing a little rough imo, if it starts to go too far it needs dealt with but the incident here by all accounts was an accident not deliberate bad behavour.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2017 16:31

Thanks MrsMarg, it helps that I have been there, done that, and still going through it. I have a dd 10 who has ASD learning difficulties, she was a bloody hard as a toddler, she has calmed down a lot since going to her soecial school. It's taught me a valuable lesson, not to judge! I woukd have seen op struggling with her boisterous toddler whilst also having a babe in arms, put my arm around her and hand her a cuppa. Taken the baby, and got others to help out with her toddler.

Ds also has developmental delay of a year, and speech and language delay. Went through a boisterous phase at 3. He settled down as he got older and understood more. Don't judge, as you don't know what tgat persons day has been like!

dustarr73 · 06/10/2017 16:36

Blue I agree.Its only on mumsnet that being boys and being rough is frowned on.

Now of you had a boy who played with babies, that's tea.But God forbid you say boys like rough and tumble.You are hung, drawn and quartered.

Aquamarine She never said all boys.So dont be having a fit.

Cloudhopping · 06/10/2017 16:39

This is not directly to the OP but to the posters who believe that this is a butural consequence of being a boy. I hate that certain behaviour is excused because it comes from a boy. It's so bloody sexist.

The danger with the 'boys will be boys' attitude is that spirited/boistorous/aggressive etc behaviour is seen as normal in boys and therefore not managed properly. I've seen it actively encouraged in many of my friends' and family's sons, just because they're boys and it pisses me right off.

FindTheLightSwitchDarren · 06/10/2017 16:40

There is a difference between "bad" behaviour and playing a little rough imo, if it starts to go too far it needs dealt with but the incident here by all accounts was an accident not deliberate bad behavour

Are you responding to me here blue? I agree that the op's dc hasn't done anything all that terrible (and I said so in my last post). However, I don't like it when people make general statements saying that boys are rough and everyone else (women and girls?) has to get used to that. It's too vague and some people might misunderstand and decide that their DS, (for example), bullying and being violent towards someone in their class is just "boys will be boys". I'm sure I've heard of it as an excuse for some pretty poor behaviour. Not the op though - to be totally clear.

Cloudhopping · 06/10/2017 16:40

natural not butural!!!!

ThoseCowsAreFarAway · 06/10/2017 16:42

Haven't read the rtft but I think her reaction was ott, unhelpful and trying to shame you. I feel for you and I've been in your position.

UnicornSparkles1 · 06/10/2017 16:43

At 2.5 my daughter was made to apologise to anyone she hurt, be it an accident or deliberate. She was warned if it happened again she'd go home.

At 2.5 your son is old enough to be told not to push people.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2017 16:45

Another perfect parent there 🙄

Siarie · 06/10/2017 16:51

I really dread this scenario, my daughter is delayed and has SN’s. If she will actually socialise with other children it’s really hard to stop her pushing them, they come running up to her as you do when you are small and her instant reaction is to push them away.

She bites me too, there’s no warning for it and every time she is told not to do it but it doesn’t go in. If there was I would stop her, it hurts!

It’s hard not to hover around her for the sake of other children and her happiness but at the same time you also are trying to give them some independence.

ChicRock · 06/10/2017 16:52

No two year old plays tag.

Your child was playing "run up to other children and shove them over".

Get a grip of your kid and stop letting him push other children around.

BlueSapp · 06/10/2017 16:55

not directed at you at all Find

My point is that the majortiy of little boys will naturaly be more rough, now i never said there was and excuse for deliberate bad behavoiur you see, Toddlers in general like to run around and boys will err towards the rougher end of the scale but they are not badly behaved for this.

This is the generalisation that sits wrong, children should be active should be making up games and interacting with each other its all perfectly normal play.

There have been plenty of studies into these natural behaviours I'm not plucking this from thin air. and of course there are exceptions to all of this, my brother when he was small had tea partys for his teddies.

paxillin · 06/10/2017 16:55

No two year old plays tag.

Waiting for posters claiming not only did their 2-year-olds understand and play tag, but rounders, too. At county level Grin.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2017 16:56

Satire, some soft play places have special needs sessions, so look out for those. It is hard, surestart might have special needs groups. Have a look about, mabey join a local special needs Facebook support group, find out from there if there are any special needs sessions.

BlueSapp · 06/10/2017 16:56

Aeroflotgirl There must be a club we don't know about. Wink

Frankie2015 · 06/10/2017 16:58

This literally happens to my son but he was the one being pushed over! We were at a some play area outside with a Wendy house and kitchen and this little boy smacked my son on the head with a plastic saucepan the mother said sorry half heartily told him off but then proceed to sit back down to drink her tea and not watch him within the next 5 minutes he had smacked a little baby (about 8 months old) who was with her grandmother on the head with the same saucepan!! Understandably the grandmother was furious.

If you know your son is boisterous like you say and he already done it once you should be watching him some baby with you or not. You know he’s going to do it again and it’s not up to the other parents to be watching him for you

PurpleMinionMummy · 06/10/2017 17:00

If he can understand how to play tag he's capable of understanding you tag and don't push. Although I've not seen 2 yos playing tag myself.

bastardkitty · 06/10/2017 17:00

Cunty level tag?

WhataHexIgotinto · 06/10/2017 17:04

But he's not 'playing tag' he's just pushing other kids over, so you need to talk to him about that. At his age he's plenty old enough to understand about that.

Amanduh · 06/10/2017 17:04

They're two. They don't really understand. Either way there's no need to shout. At a baby group 🙄

Dreams16 · 06/10/2017 17:04

It hard really because I’m protective over my DS and if another kid kept doing that I wouldn’t be too happy I know kids will be kids but it’s not nice to see your child being pushed hit etc so it’s difficult to say who was unreasonable