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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or was this mum's reaction completely out of order?

228 replies

Mummamia123 · 06/10/2017 13:13

Hi, just looking for some perspective on this. My son who is 2 1/2 is quite boisterous when he plays, he's got no malice in him bless him, but he can be a bit rough when playing! He loves playing tag with other children and but is too young to realise that others don't always understand the game and can be upset and think he's pushing. Recently while at our local baby group this 'tag' obsession ended up in him pushing another child twice. The first time I immediately told him not to push, then apologised to his mother whilst also looking after my young baby. The second time I was watching from across the room (again with my young baby) sprinted across to handle the situation, however the mother's instant reaction was to angrily shout "WHERE'S HIS MOTHER?" Before storming off with "That's the second time that's happened!". The group isn't that large so her aggressive response caused the whole room to stop! I again immediately apologised and told my son we were going home. Am I wrong or was her reaction completely inappropriate for a situation concerning toddlers? I've lost count of the amount of times my son has been pushed by other children, had toys snatched from him, etc and not once did I react like that! Just hoping I suppose that I'm not alone in thinking that we've all got to expect a certain amount of roughness in play and misunderstandings with babies. I would understand more if he were older but even then I'd expect the parent in question to quietly take me to one side and chat about it, not try to publicly parent-shame! Would love to hear some thoughts on this. Also, should I talk to the mum about it the next time I see her? Or stop my son from playing with her child? Help would be much appreciated ❤️

OP posts:
WhataHexIgotinto · 06/10/2017 17:05

But actually I do think she totally over reacted but I can kind of understand why.

EB123 · 06/10/2017 17:06

It is what happens when toddlers are together. Girls can be just as rough and tumble as boys(I ran a toddler room), of course nobody likesit to happen to their child but her reaction was OTT.
If any of my children have been repeatedly pushed or hit or whatever I just tell the child that they aren't being kind and to stop, use the right tone and they stop.

WhataHexIgotinto · 06/10/2017 17:07

They're two. They don't really understand. Either way there's no need to shout. At a baby group 🙄

I disagree with the first half of your post, at 2 and a half they really are old enough to understand not to push, they have to be taught that. Totally agree with the second part of your post though.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2017 17:08

I know Blue, a very special club of perfect parents and toddlers who listen and understand!

Oblomov17 · 06/10/2017 17:10

Op is in the wrong. She knew her son is boisterous and going through this stage. So, she should have been monitoring him more closely, closer to him.
My child being pushed twice by the same child? No, I too would want to know where the parent was?

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2017 17:11

Some toddlers do understand but do their own thing anyway, some just are not there yet developmentally. This is just as bad as saying all boys are boisterous.

bastardkitty · 06/10/2017 17:11

Your son pushes other children. You need to supervise him closely and you cannot be at the other side of the room.

FindTheLightSwitchDarren · 06/10/2017 17:17

blue, you sound perfectly rational about it and I don't dispute what you've read in studies. All I'm saying is that it can be 'dangerous', for want of a less dramatic word, to adopt a "boys will be boys and everyone else has to put up with it" approach. Someone less astute than you will interpret it as an excuse for genuinely bad behaviour.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2017 17:18

or better still op, stay away from toddler groups!

JonSnowsWife · 06/10/2017 17:20

Yeah people like me who have a ds with asd and adhd are posting saying the OP was unreasonable for not closely supervising but yeah, of course we don't understand kids Hmm

OP. We know it's hard, especially with a little one. But he will come out of this phase eventually. Chalk it up to a bad day, the other lady was probably having a bad day too. The only time I have ever lost my shit Blush over a kid misbehaving was when one hurt DD. DD was just out of hospital and we had took her for a treat to cheer her up. She's 11 now and still in one piece. Grin

Kardashianlove · 06/10/2017 17:22

If he doesn't yet understand how to 'tag' and is pushing instead, maybe you need to stop him playing that game for now. The other children 'thinking he's pushing' are right, he IS pushing.
Teach him to tag with his fingertips and if he pushes you need to either stop him playing or go home or whatever you decide is a suitable consequence. Just because he shouts 'tag' doesn't mean he isn't pushing. It's still unacceptable behaviour.

I think the other parent may have been annoyed as it happened once and then you let him play again. It was inevitable it was going to happen again yet you just stood by and watched him carry on.

She does sound ott shouting like that though. It probably would have been better if she said to you 'can you stop him playing that please as he's pushing the other kids and I'm worried someone's going to get hurt'.

milliemolliemou · 06/10/2017 17:26

I think OP should teach her lad what is tag and what is pushing. Perhaps out in an open space so he can understand. At 2.5 he should be able to see the difference especially (don't do this) if he were to be "tagged" aka pushed by someone bigger.

I sympathise with OP - some kids are larger and heavier than others and cause more angst. Think Jonah Lomu v Johnny Wilkinson. Until they start playing RFU or RU then keep a close eye.

Danceswithwarthogs · 06/10/2017 17:26

First time I'd let it go, second time... I probably wouldn't have shouted like she did, but I'd probably have thought it.... and steered clear of your son in future. Sorry!?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 06/10/2017 17:51

If a child is repeatedly hitting or biting they need to be shadowed. And that means being within arms reach so you can prevent it. With baby in a sling if necessary so both hands are free. You won't catch all incidents but you will prevent more than if you are sat on the other side of the room/2 strides away.
It is perfectly possible to do this. I have a child with asd and lashing out went well beyond the toddler years. He couldn't be left to play with other children without me hovering until he was around 5! As nice as it is to go and sit on the comfy couches rather than be knelt on the floor shadowing a toddler you just don't have that luxury if they're a hitter.
And I agree with pp's that a game of tag with only one player isn't a game of tag it's just a child pushing others.

lookatyourwatchnow · 06/10/2017 17:51

OP is definitely one of ‘those’ parents.

OP, 2 and a half is without a doubt old enough to understand that it is not ok to run up to other children and shove them. So either manage his behaviour with consequences or supervise him properly. Both, preferably.

You are doing him absolutely no favours. Start parenting before he is the child in his class who nobody wants to play with.

VictoriaMcdade · 06/10/2017 18:00

You asked for help OP, but every time someone has disagreed with you, you have reacted defensively.

TBH I think that the woman was pretty restrained. She didn't give him a bollocking for knocking her child over twice. And you obviously didn't rush over and apologise before she asked where his mother was.

And I hate this 'boys will be boys' nonsense. And the adoring '"Oh he's just boisterous." That's total shite. You are making excuses for poor behaviour.

You will have been judged in the room. Either the room was two strides big, in that case, as other posters have said, he should not have been playing a rough game. Or it was bigger, and you were too far away to supervise your son.

Thankfully we are past that stage now with our DCs. But a word of warning; if you continue to excuse behaviour as 'boisterous' and 'not malicious' now if will bite you in the bum later. There is a boy at DS school whose mother was wet and used the 'boys will be boys' trope when he was little. He's absolutely horrible now.

mrsRosaPimento · 06/10/2017 18:17

I was worried when my boys were toddlers they'd think their names were gently.
Keep closer to your ds to stop him getting rough. Be physically there to stop him.

CoveredInFondant · 06/10/2017 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amanduh · 06/10/2017 18:36

They're two. They don't really understand. Either way there's no need to shout. At a baby group 🙄

Nicpem1982 · 06/10/2017 18:56

I don't see that there was a need to shout however I can understand the other moms frustration.

My dd has been on the receiving end of a boisterous non malicious boy that was in our friendship group from them being babies and the mother also went with boys will be boys, he doesn't comprehend consequences so it's unfair to punish him... Needless to say we don't see them now and neither does anyone else from our circle of friends.

Do your self a favour op stay close to your ds and try and prevent these incidents before he's labelled that child. I'd warn him once and then remove him from the situation

Afternooncatnap · 06/10/2017 19:18

This thread has really put me off going to baby groups. I don't want my ds being pushed over by 'boisterous' children. Even if there is no malice.

Also op is clearly not telling the whole truth. She could cross the room in two strides but there was enough room for several toddlers to play tag?

rainbowduck · 06/10/2017 19:26

No matter what you think of the other mum, the issue here is that your child is hurting the other children. And, as his parent, you need to deal with that, not brush it all off by saying 'he's just a bit boisterous and doesn't mean any harm.'

He isn't too young to be told very firmly that you don't push, or play tag indoors.

Be consistent, be firm, and in doing so, you are also showing the other parents that you are trying your hardest to deal with the situation. It will be much harder for other parents to distance themselves from you if they can see that you are actively trying to parent your child, and stop his undesirable behaviour.

Fingers crossed, on seeing this, they will be able to relate to you, as we all have experience of toddlers being frustrating!

CorbynsBumFlannel · 06/10/2017 19:30

It doesn't sound like any of the other children were playing!
If your kid hits then being 2 strides away watching them do it is the same as being 20 strides away watching them do it. You've no chance of preventing it and all you can do is say sorry after children have been hurt.

PurpleTango · 06/10/2017 19:34

Is there a reason why you are not preventing your ' boisterous' child from hurting other children OP?

Worriedaboutboy · 06/10/2017 19:38

I had to intervene yesterday at a soft play place as a kid started hitting my son round the face. They were arguing over a brick and the other one decided to hit my son. I stayed bsck initially as I font want to be helicoptering around him all the time but when the other boy didn't show signs of stopping I went o er, with my 6 month old baby and intervened. Granny of boy was just sat reading her paper. I addressed both boys and told them to stop. The gran came over eventually and I told her what happened and she said "boys will be boys." Er no love. I told him that my son had not hit out. It annoys me having to parent /referee other people's kids / little shits. I'm the first to tell my kids off, even if they're technically not in the wrong.

So tbh I'd have been annoyed and would have said so. If you know he's boisterous, sort him out and stay closer. Tell him he can't play 'tag' until he learns to play it nicely.

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