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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or was this mum's reaction completely out of order?

228 replies

Mummamia123 · 06/10/2017 13:13

Hi, just looking for some perspective on this. My son who is 2 1/2 is quite boisterous when he plays, he's got no malice in him bless him, but he can be a bit rough when playing! He loves playing tag with other children and but is too young to realise that others don't always understand the game and can be upset and think he's pushing. Recently while at our local baby group this 'tag' obsession ended up in him pushing another child twice. The first time I immediately told him not to push, then apologised to his mother whilst also looking after my young baby. The second time I was watching from across the room (again with my young baby) sprinted across to handle the situation, however the mother's instant reaction was to angrily shout "WHERE'S HIS MOTHER?" Before storming off with "That's the second time that's happened!". The group isn't that large so her aggressive response caused the whole room to stop! I again immediately apologised and told my son we were going home. Am I wrong or was her reaction completely inappropriate for a situation concerning toddlers? I've lost count of the amount of times my son has been pushed by other children, had toys snatched from him, etc and not once did I react like that! Just hoping I suppose that I'm not alone in thinking that we've all got to expect a certain amount of roughness in play and misunderstandings with babies. I would understand more if he were older but even then I'd expect the parent in question to quietly take me to one side and chat about it, not try to publicly parent-shame! Would love to hear some thoughts on this. Also, should I talk to the mum about it the next time I see her? Or stop my son from playing with her child? Help would be much appreciated ❤️

OP posts:
existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 14:37

He wasn't playing by himself!, the other boy wasn't playing but he was playing with some others. No-one else stopped it so clearly the game wasn't the problem at first

just because there are other parents in the wrong doesn't make you any less so.

Therealjudgejudy · 06/10/2017 14:37

She asked where you were because your 'boisterous ' child was being rough and badly behaved and you did nothing about it. He's not a baby. Try parenting a bit better maybe.

JonSnowsWife · 06/10/2017 14:38

Yes, but that doesn't mean she was being reasonable, necessarily, does it?!

It does. The OP already said she'd already apologised to the mum once. So the mum knew what she looked like etc. Shouting where's the mother makes me think the OP wasn't as near as she thinks she was.

JaniceBattersby · 06/10/2017 14:39

Blimey. Of course two year olds push and shove. They just do. And some don't respond to being told time and time again not to do it. I've got four kids. Three angels and one who was just a complete wrecking ball as a toddler. He is a an absolutely beautifully behaved seven year old now. Of course I closely supervised him but in the course of playing he pushed other kids. Other kids pushed him too. Shouting in a passive aggressive way 'where is the mother?' (When she clearly knew where you were) is just ridiculous.

Nobody got hurt. A child was pushed twice. It's not the end of the world. Kids need to learn that these things happen and they should shake them off. Otherwise, God help them when they get to school.

I'm not excusing genuinely bad behaviour and I think it's fine to tell other people's children off if their parent is not there to do so. An older child would have got the sharp end of my tongue but her child is two. Just a baby. He's not going to do any real harm by shoving another child and it's not malicious,

Howsthings1234 · 06/10/2017 14:39

I don’t think it was a good way for her to react and it must have been embarrassing and stressful for you. I bet others in the room felt so too. If I was her I would have asked your little boy to be careful and I would have gone over to pick up my child calmly and asked them to make friends/play nicely together.

I think that she lost her temper but that’s not a good thing for her child to see.

Lulub85 · 06/10/2017 14:40

Totally agree with you here - this lady asked for advice and help and half of you are treating this like a parent-shaming, pile on! I've been on both sides of this coin as I have 4 children - you are right she was being unreasonable - end of story. We all have to do our best and as long as you were (which is sounds like you were by telling your child not to push and by leaving the group after the second incident). I really hope Mumsnet removes this thread as some of the responses are so nasty! I'm new here, not the best first thread to read...!

JonSnowsWife · 06/10/2017 14:40

so the other mother should've told OPs kid off

No thanks. I'm there to parent my own DCs not everybody else's.

LostMyMojoSomewhere · 06/10/2017 14:41

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2017 14:41

I don't really think your ds understands how the game of tag works tbh. I totally understand you though, my ds went through a rough stage at that age and it was hard. The same thing happened to me, as you in soft play. I think you just have to helicopter him until he has moved from that phase. Keep reiterating not to push, as its not nice.

pastabest · 06/10/2017 14:41

I actually take my DD to playgroups etc so that she DOES get pushed about and things snatched off her by other children. She is my first child and I think it does her the world of good to be around other people's boisterous children and occassionally getting her fingers stepped on by older toddlers and hair pulled by other babies.

They playgroup I go to is pretty relaxed and everyone keeps an eye out generally to make sure no one is really causing harm and intervene if absolutely needed. If someone joined who started shouting in the situation described by the OP everyone would be a bit Hmm

I could probably cross the room in 2-3 strides as well, it's a small room, not all playgroups are massive!

SnorkellingCat · 06/10/2017 14:42

It does sound like she overreacted but I do think you might need to supervise your DS more, rough play is not normal for toddlers; that's why Nurseries/Childminders will help parents to deal with overly rough play.

Taratill · 06/10/2017 14:42

Grrrr YDABU if you know your child is boisterious and you are not properly supervising them, being in the same room does not amount to supervision.

My daughter was once kicked in the eye on the slide (ended up with a black eye) by a no malice boisterous boy. This child was with a childminder who was too busy gossiping/ drinking tea to watch this child.

No it is definitely not OK to allow your child to hurt another child and excuse it by saying they didn't understand or it was only a game. God help your child in primary school if you don't teach him to play properly and calmly.

JonSnowsWife · 06/10/2017 14:43

Of course two year olds push and shove. They just do. And some don't respond to being told time and time again not to do it

Not all two year olds. Those who do need supervising more closely until they have grown out of the phase.

Give over with the parent shaming suggestions.

Lulub85 · 06/10/2017 14:43

Totally agree with you here - this lady asked for advice and help and half of you are treating this like a parent-shaming, pile on! I've been on both sides of this coin as I have 4 children - you are right she was being unreasonable - end of story. We all have to do our best and as long as you were (which is sounds like you were by telling your child not to push and by leaving the group after the second incident). I really hope Mumsnet removes this thread as some of the responses are so nasty! I'm new here, not the best first thread to read...!

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2017 14:43

There are toddler books aimed at toddlers to read to them about certain behaviours. There was a 'be nice one' or something like that, for ds , it worked. We are doing our best, and children aren't perfect, and nor are parents.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/10/2017 14:44

What if this happens in preschool, when parents aren't there, pre school teachers are sometimes busy, and a child does get pushed and something snatched.

BlueSapp · 06/10/2017 14:45

JonSnowsWife

Oh don't be ridiculous

existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 14:47

What if this happens in preschool, when parents aren't there, pre school teachers are sometimes busy, and a child does get pushed and something snatched

What if my aunt had balls?

HughLauriesStubble · 06/10/2017 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnicornRainbowColours · 06/10/2017 14:48

How annoying I’m so fed up when I take my toddler charge to a soft play or a toddler group and some little “boisterous” monster is running around pushing the other kids!!!

MrsMargeSimpson · 06/10/2017 14:48

Yes, supporting the OP obviously means my child is an absolute harridan Hmm As it happens mine are much more likely to be pushed than push, I just have perspective. They are 2 for crying out loud!

maddiemookins16mum · 06/10/2017 14:50

It's hard all round. My DD at 2 years old was terrified of some of the more boisterous toddlers (and they were usually boys) at our church group. We stopped going in the end as she always seemed to be at the end of a push, shove, a toy grabbed from her (and god forbid should she attempt to use one of the little bike things without getting bulldozed out of the way by a spirited toddler.
Did you go home OP?

It could well be a phase and by jove it must be bloody hard with a toddler and a baby. I think being extra vigilant is your way forward.

CherriesInTheSnow · 06/10/2017 14:52

*Of course two year olds push and shove. They just do. And some don't respond to being told time and time again not to do it

Not all two year olds. Those who do need supervising more closely until they have grown out of the phase.*

What on earth is ridiculous about that??

KittysMyName · 06/10/2017 14:54

You don't push someone when playing tag! You touch/tap them lightly. TBH you're being unreasonable in the fact you let him push people when playing tag!

Needalifeoverhaul · 06/10/2017 14:54

I understand both points of view..hers and yours BUT shouting like that was completely unnecessary and an over reaction. If she's there next time i really think an apology for ds would be welcome (as previous pp have sais, it's a Mother's /father's natural reaction to protect their child from being hurt. Tell ds that tag is a game for outside only as other children get hurt.