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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or was this mum's reaction completely out of order?

228 replies

Mummamia123 · 06/10/2017 13:13

Hi, just looking for some perspective on this. My son who is 2 1/2 is quite boisterous when he plays, he's got no malice in him bless him, but he can be a bit rough when playing! He loves playing tag with other children and but is too young to realise that others don't always understand the game and can be upset and think he's pushing. Recently while at our local baby group this 'tag' obsession ended up in him pushing another child twice. The first time I immediately told him not to push, then apologised to his mother whilst also looking after my young baby. The second time I was watching from across the room (again with my young baby) sprinted across to handle the situation, however the mother's instant reaction was to angrily shout "WHERE'S HIS MOTHER?" Before storming off with "That's the second time that's happened!". The group isn't that large so her aggressive response caused the whole room to stop! I again immediately apologised and told my son we were going home. Am I wrong or was her reaction completely inappropriate for a situation concerning toddlers? I've lost count of the amount of times my son has been pushed by other children, had toys snatched from him, etc and not once did I react like that! Just hoping I suppose that I'm not alone in thinking that we've all got to expect a certain amount of roughness in play and misunderstandings with babies. I would understand more if he were older but even then I'd expect the parent in question to quietly take me to one side and chat about it, not try to publicly parent-shame! Would love to hear some thoughts on this. Also, should I talk to the mum about it the next time I see her? Or stop my son from playing with her child? Help would be much appreciated ❤️

OP posts:
BlueSapp · 06/10/2017 13:44

Yes totally would’ve asked him to be careful if he’d pushed my child I don’t consider anything wrong with that, shouting no but speaking yes

PerfumeIsAMessage · 06/10/2017 13:44

I think we can all imagine what kind of child Marge has...

ShiftyMcGifty · 06/10/2017 13:44

You can't supervise your child from across a crowded room with a young baby strapped on too. You've told us you couldn't and that's why the other child got pushed again.

It's funny you think that because you're calm when your child gets pushed or shoved, every other parent should have the same reaction.

I hated these groups precisely because so many parents sat back with a baby or a cup of tea and decided a gentle "no darling we don't bite" said in the general direction of their child was all the supervision the situation warranted. It was only the parents who followed their toddlers that actually supervised.

StaplesCorner · 06/10/2017 13:45

Yes you AIBU, it wasn't completely out of order, but maybe a bit hasty. That said you are coming across as the nightmare parent who says "oh he's just a bit boisterous LOL" whilst her little one is smacking another toddler over the head. And no you should definitely NOT expect roughness in play, that's not ok.

JonSnowsWife · 06/10/2017 13:45

and the other mother is clearly one of those PFB parents who needs to get real.

Yes. How very PFB of her to not want her child to be hurt twice in a short period of time in a room clearly not suitable to be playing that sort of game in Hmm

Herechickychicky · 06/10/2017 13:46

If the group was genuinely being held in a room two strides wide (seems unlikely, were you in someone's bedroom???) then it was a room too small for tag.

I think you either need to teach the difference between tagging and pushing, or you need to supervise him a bit more closely until he learns the difference. There's no shame in that, lots of us have been there.

StaplesCorner · 06/10/2017 13:46

Maybe you should get him a t shirt that says, " sorry, I am boisterous and a bit rough, but without malice " then the parents of children who have been pushed over twice will be a bit more understanding as they comfort their upset children, because being pushed over when it is without malice hurts a lot less than being pushed over with malice.

so good it deserved to be posted again.

HeyRoly · 06/10/2017 13:47

Sounds like a major overreaction to me.

It's obvious when a child is pushing with malice. It's equally obvious when they're "just playing" albeit in a misguided kind of way.

JonSnowsWife · 06/10/2017 13:47

The room is really small so when i say I was across the room I mean two strides

Two strides? If it's that small they really shouldn't be holding group sessions in there...

CorbynsBumFlannel · 06/10/2017 13:47

It sounds like the mother was annoyed that you went to the other side of the room and left your toddler to push her child again. Hard as it is when you have a baby as well if your toddler is going through a hitting or biting phase you need to be right with them so you can block any attempts if necessary. Watching from the other side of the room where you can't prevent it isn't sufficient. Maybe you could get a carrier for the baby so you can give your toddler close supervision while he's going through this phase? I'd also have your toddler come with you for the time being if you need to sit down to feed etc.

HeyRoly · 06/10/2017 13:49

At what point does the OP say her son pushed her child to the floor?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 06/10/2017 13:49

She asked “where is the mother?” because you were on the other side of the room and presumably hadn’t noticed your child push hers over.
Was she supposed to ignore your kid rampaging about pushing and shoving?
I’ll be she didn’t “shout” either, just called out loudly enough to be heard above the noise.
Watch him properly if you know he pushes and doesn’t understand being told not to (he should).

innagazing · 06/10/2017 13:49

Two year olds play tag? Hmm

JonSnowsWife · 06/10/2017 13:51

You can’t shadow a 2 yr old who is running around a room with other kids the other parents would think you are nuts

You absolutely can.

DancesWithOtters · 06/10/2017 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 06/10/2017 13:52

we've all got to expect a certain amount of roughness in play and misunderstandings with babies

2.5 yrs old is not a baby.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 06/10/2017 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 06/10/2017 13:52

But Marge, with Bart as your son, of course your tolerance level is higher for such things. :)

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 06/10/2017 13:53

Sorry about the double post, have reported self.

astoundedgoat · 06/10/2017 13:54

In your own words your child is "boisterous" and "can be a bit rough" Sorry, but to any other parent, that means your toddler is a nightmare.

This. If you know your child has form for playing rough games of tag, then you have to be hugely firm in making him stop trying to play tag with other toddlers completely and immediately, until he and his peers are big enough to do it without getting pushed over.

Just saying "DS, please don't push" is (evidently) not enough. If he is doing it again right away that should tell you that whatever you said was not sufficient. You have to change how you respond to bad behaviour, not look for validation on Mumsnet.

Scrumptiousbears · 06/10/2017 13:54

I think most of us have been to these groups where a mother or two has left there child to get on with it and sat on their phone or chatted to another mother and been oblivious to what their cherub was up to. One push was a mistake. No one take their kids to these places to be pushed around.

Scrumptiousbears · 06/10/2017 13:55

Also, if a child understands the game tag they should be able to know not to push.

Looneytune253 · 06/10/2017 13:57

Did she see you dealing with him first time? It can be annoying when some (I’m not saying you btw) mums take no notice and their child is running around knocking all the younger children. Maybe she hadn’t realised you were actually watching the whole time and had told him off. Still an overreaction from her though. If your son is boisterous in a group situation it may be best that you follow from a small distance?

MargaretTwatyer · 06/10/2017 13:58

If your child has a propensity to hurt and upset other children that you are aware of you should be hovering over him to stop it before it happens. Not off chatting somewhere waiting for another child to be hurt (twice) before you you sort it out.

I imagine if she hadn't shouted it would have happened a third time.

How many times did you expect her to see her kid hurt before she snapped?

JonSnowsWife · 06/10/2017 13:58

Also, as much as I try I think it's completely impossible to prempt your child doing anything that may be considered antisocial at all times.

But you've already described him as being a bit boisterous and rough sometimes. So it stands to reason that this could be pre-empted most of the time.

The fact you've never met them before is neither here nor there. He zoned in on her kid. You'd be the same in her situation.

2.5yo's are not babies. Six month olds are.