AIBU or was this mum's reaction completely out of order?

[Mummamia123]

Hi, just looking for some perspective on this. My son who is 2 1/2 is quite boisterous when he plays, he's got no malice in him bless him, but he can be a bit rough when playing! He loves playing tag with other children and but is too young to realise that others don't always understand the game and can be upset and think he's pushing. Recently while at our local baby group this 'tag' obsession ended up in him pushing another child twice. The first time I immediately told him not to push, then apologised to his mother whilst also looking after my young baby. The second time I was watching from across the room (again with my young baby) sprinted across to handle the situation, however the mother's instant reaction was to angrily shout "WHERE'S HIS MOTHER?" Before storming off with "That's the second time that's happened!". The group isn't that large so her aggressive response caused the whole room to stop! I again immediately apologised and told my son we were going home. Am I wrong or was her reaction completely inappropriate for a situation concerning toddlers? I've lost count of the amount of times my son has been pushed by other children, had toys snatched from him, etc and not once did I react like that! Just hoping I suppose that I'm not alone in thinking that we've all got to expect a certain amount of roughness in play and misunderstandings with babies. I would understand more if he were older but even then I'd expect the parent in question to quietly take me to one side and chat about it, not try to publicly parent-shame! Would love to hear some thoughts on this. Also, should I talk to the mum about it the next time I see her? Or stop my son from playing with her child? Help would be much appreciated ❤️

I would be mortified if my 2 year old was pushing other children and I probably wouldn’t leave his side. 2.5 years old is old enough to be told that it’s wrong... I have a 4 year old boy and he knew at 2.5 pushing was wrong, playful or not.

i've done this, as the alternative is dealing with your kid myself.

Which would you prefer? someone calling you out for not shadowing your spirited kid? Or someone telling your kid off?

Yes, she overreacted. But I think you also underreacted. Your know your child has form for playing too roughly - you can't really leave a kid like that with others as you would a gentler child. You don't get to sit down over the other side of the room with the other mums if your child is a bit of a terror! The woman's reaction, to me, sounds far more like "Why the hell isn't his mother supervising him - this is clearly a pattern of bad behaviour?" than anything else.

I do feel for you. My DS was exactly the same - he would run after other children because he wanted to hug them and would invariably knock some over. I stayed close to him as much as I could but he still managed a few times. He did not get it at all, however much I explained it. Think she shouldn't have shouted at you but maybe this was the one thing that pushed her too far that day!

Think she shouldn't have shouted at you

She didn't shout at the OP. She shouted out to get the OPs attention.

The other mum sounds like hard work, I know a few like that.

Fair enough to speak firmly to your dc if he's naughty and get your attention but to holler it across a room is a bit much.

To ask where the parent of the child hurting her child was?

Not really. I think she was quite restrained.

and no I don’t expect a certain amount of “roughness” from a toddler
Indeed not. I too would have been angry if my dd had been pushed twice by the same child on the same day. She's a gentle soul and not given to rough play or pushing other children. Why should she have to tolerate it from others? Pushing and shoving others is not part and parcel of toddlers playing.

I don't think it's 'normal', for want of a better word, for toddlers to be boisterous.Easily toppled over, uncoordinated at times, yes. It's hard to say who is in the wrong without being there but her reaction sounds OTT. However she may have had a bad morning, whatever, who knows? I would spend some time teaching gentleness to your son and rewarding him when he shows this trait independently. He will have to learn this before school for his and your sake.

I can see both sides.But you using caps,just screams to me the apple didnt fall far from the tree.

I have boys as well,and i had to say till im blue in the face you cant push other kids.And if you know what hes like,the onus is on you to stop it before it goes too far.After all hes bound to tag someone who wont take it,what then.

It's obvious from her reaction ("Where's the mother?") that she thought you were not supervising him properly.

Yes, but that doesn't mean she was being reasonable, necessarily, does it?!

I'm sorry, but at 2 he isn't really playing tag is he. He likes pushing people and seeing their reaction. Sometimes they'll laugh and push back and sometimes they'll cry and run away. Either way he is too young to really empathise with them. Nobody is really stopping him before he does it so he's just carrying on. Here's what I'd do: Don't play running games indoors. Settle your child with an indoor activity where you are at arms length and put your little one in a sling or car seat. If everyone else is letting their children run around indoors, find somewhere else with some more suitable activities and company for your child. Don't let your child be the one who thinks aggression is just another sort of game with "no malice" and don't excuse your son from acting aggressively "because he's a boy".

The other mother has no idea what your child is or isn't like though. All she will see is a child repeatedly harming her child and its mother allowing the situation to happen. At his age you need to be supervising him and prempting anything happening, not waiting until he has pushed over the same child twice and it's mother is having to do the supervising for you.

You can’t shadow a 2 yr old who is running around a room with other kids the other parents would think you are nuts

Shouldn't be running around playing tag indoors in a small room.
Playing tag is for outdoors. Everybody knows that.

Ah

This happened to me yesterday... child darting all over the place pushed my child and I said "where is the mother?" As it wasn't the first time and by far an accident. I was annoyed as this child was obviously being much rougher than the other children and no one seemed to be stopping/ watching or correcting him! I may have over reacted but was upset seeing my child go flying again.

If you know your child has problems playing with other children, then you supervise him closely. You don’t sit on the other side of the room ‘tending’ to your other child - that child presumably is a baby and so you could have supervised your elder child with it in your arms. All I hear are excuses from you OP.

Playing tag is for outdoors He wasn't playing by himself!, the other boy wasn't playing but he was playing with some others. No-one else stopped it so clearly the game wasn't the problem at first.

AFAWK the little boy didnt get hurt just pushed so the other mother should've told OP's kid off instead of shouting all over the place.

I'm not surprised she demanded to know where you were if you were on the other side of the room as you suggested. I can't see that the other side of the room only 'two strides' as you claim.
My guess is she was trying to suggest to you to keep close to your 'boisterous' son to stop him pushing her child by pointing out how far away you were to everyone else in the room.

Maybe she'd seen your child pushing others and decided to step in when it came to her own.
I dont think she was unreasonable tbh.

'Tagging' someone is a light touch - not pushing them over! Maybe teach him how to play the game properly and understand that whoever he 'tags' has to be playing too, he can't just run around pushing people.

This is why I avoid those supposedly delightful mommy play groups.

Yes I think she way OTT. However in her defense, my son was bitten by my nephew and seeing DS cry made my blood absolutely boil and I had to breathe and count to ten, reminding myself that DN was only 4. My first reaction was to flip on my sister. Parental instinct and emotions running high and all.
But yes she made a scene and could have been a little less..intense.
Just leave it, keep your son away from her and her kid and don't engage

Sorry mummamania when you said you'd run over I wrongly assumed that you were miles away.
I feel your pain.
Mine once tried to put a 4 year olds head in his mouth. Those were the days.

OP I haven’t read all the posts do apologies for that.* But I do 100% sympathise as I have a son the same age. He’s also boisterous and a bit rough. I get that a lot of parents don’t understand as I’ve seen it with my own friends and their kids. Some posters here seem to think it’s just about discipline. However, I can say with certainty that my son is just like this, no matter how much I have tried to calm him down. I’d love him to play gently and not to have to hover over him at all times. However, there we are. I can’t let him out of my sight, but also, he has to mix with other kids to learn how to socialize. You were watching your other child and you can’t have eyes in the back of your head.*

playing tag doesnt involve pushing., it involves touching. He shouldnttbe playing this unsupervised in a room full of younger children and babies that are not part of the game. You might be better off taking him to the park with maybe one or two other boisterous kids the same sort of age or older and not a baby group, unless you can stop him from doing it