To ban son from moving back in?

[Boxset67]

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

Op I love having my DSs living with us. That's because I love them and they're great company.

Jesus. Some apron strings need untightening around here.

YANBU and he's a cheeky fucker.

If he'd asked, and it was for an agreed period so he could save a deposit or something, I might feel differently, but he seems to be just assuming that it's fine.

I don't see anything wrong in explaining that, while you love him dearly, you are also enjoying the peace and tranquillity of having the house to yourselves for the first time in 20-odd years and that as you approach middle age you want it to stay that way.

It’s a hard one OP. My parents have always said their house will always be my home, i’m not sure they would be particularly thrilled about me moving home, especially as my younger sister is about to move out too and they will have an empty nest. Now, if I split with DH for whatever reason and needed somewhere to go, of course they would. If it was because I decided I couldn’t be bothered to pay rent etc anymore, i’m sure their answer would be short and sharp.

simple solution: charge him more rent than he pays now so it won't be cheaper for him to move home.

yanbu and we all know exactly where this is leading: a twenty something lazy entitled child who never moves out!

Bornfree, are you so arrogant to state to the OP that she doesn't like her own DC not knowing a thing about her or her DS? Give over.

YANBU

My door will always be open to my children if they need me.

This is not a need situation

My brother and his wife have just moved back in with my mum and dad for a few weeks (he put his house on the market and it sold almost instantly) and they've already come to blows

Buttonhead101 Did you miss the part where the DS has been living out of the house since uni? I imagine he was capable of doing his laundry and cooking then, so obviously the OP has equipt him with the necessary skills. Very strange post from you.

A heartfelt YANBU.

All these suggestions for compromise! The only people compromising would be Op and her DH as they would be the ones making changes. Yes Op could say No to requests for her to do things but she still has to live with any arguing, grumbling or moodiness that might follow.

The resentment some posters seem to feel for anyone who owns a home and has raised their children, they all seem to be tarred with the same brush, blamed because “this generation can’t afford to buy”. This without knowing anything about the Ops life, just assumptions that suit the world view of the particular poster. How long do some of you think people should have this level of responsibility for adult dc? How long should they house them for? Do they owe them forever?

I agree with the PPs saying that accepting him back in your home for the reasons he has given (spending money for going clubbing, etc.) would be doing him a disservice. He is 24, not 17. If he doesn't learn how to be a responsible adult in his (mid-)20s he is not likely to ever learn. And being a responsible adult means keeping a job until you have another job on your hands, paying your own way, and doing your own chores. It does not mean reverting to teenage ways and expecting other adults (parents) to pay for you and do chores for you.

OP, perhaps you could tell him, in as kindly a fashion as possible (which I'm sure you would anyway), that as his parents it is your job to ensure that he learns how to be a responsible and self-reliant adult, and for those exact reasons you can't allow him to move back in. We would all of us like more spending money but aren't so entitled as to expect it at others' expense. Personally I would also love for someone to do my washing and cook my meals for me. However I am an adult with adult responsibilities (DCs of my own for a start) and so do all those things myself.

My DCs are still young so not relevant at the moment, but my home will always be open for them if they need it (job loss, saving for a morgage, etc.). The OP's son does not need it, however, but would just quite like an easier life for himself at his parents' expense and trouble.

I can absolutely see why you wouldn't want him moving back in but I just think my heart would break in two if my mom said I couldn't move in with her and I'm 50!

I've read the thread and I think you should find out what the going rent is in the area and charge your son that minus £30-£50 (as he is family after all). He should soon see that it isn't worth his effort to move home.

My children have a home for life here. They will always be welcome to come back.

Stopping your son moving back will have consequences and you should probably consider those before you decide.
He is likely to feel very hurt and that hurt could turn into bitter resentment, he is in fact looking for your support (whatever his age) to find his feet in the world, the fact that you are so unhelpful is striking. I don't think he is likely to forget that you have turned him away if I am honest.
You seem to think it is easy to find a job, organise a flat etc and that it is all 'his' problem now. I don't share this view that you can just skip off into the sunset once dc cross some invisible line into adulthood. We do have a duty to be there for our children for as long as it takes.

Your views are quite cold and uncaring, they come across like that at least. Good parents look out for their kids for life not just a few years of childhood.

My concern would also be, once he moved home, unless you live in a very big city, it's so limiting geographically for jobs. Then the incentive is not there to get a better job, or get promoted, but to stay in the area for an easier life. I'd prefer my children to be geographically mobile at this stage in their careers, unless they had a specific job nearby that worked career-wise for them or were doing a course (in which case it would be fine to come home for a limited period of a couple of years).

Once you need less money to live, your drive to earn more money, to better yourself, can go away. Not for everyone, some people use that time to save for a deposit, but it doesn't sound like the OP's son is in this frame of mind.

I'm amazed at the amount of people saying 'let him come home' because when someone posted about children living at home during university, everyone said they had to leave, live alone, start of being independent, would stunt their growth if they lived with mum and dad as a student. Why would it therefore be less stunting to move back, with no definitive end date, in your twenties, barring illness/a real need?

All these suggestions for compromise! The only people compromising would be Op and her DH as they would be the ones making changes. Yes Op could say No to requests for her to do things but she still has to live with any arguing, grumbling or moodiness that might follow.

THIS ^

And OP has already said that her son would readily agree to any ground rules she specified order to get back under the parental roof - but she knows him and that he ill not keep them. The what happens? You can't FORCE someone to tidy their room etc - yes, you can refuse to do it for them, but knowing that filth and squalor are lurking in your home would drive most of us crackers - and if he spread his possessions into "family" areas, e.g. living room, OP is going to be the one picking thump even if all she does is chuck them in a box and sling it into his bedroom!

It will cause fights and resentment and discord. And he may well refuse to contribute to the finances after the first month or two (Direct Debits can be cancelled). What then? Take your son to court? Have him legally evicted from your home? Can you imagine the family arguments this will cause if he gives the impression to other relatives that he is being badly done to? Already some people on here are thinking OP is a selfish mare - probably some of them think she should still be breast-feeding him!

OP - you know your child. If you think he will disrupt the comfortable and SERENE life you and your DH have, then don't let him back - for ALL of your sakes.

Once he's in, you will have a hell of a job getting him out if there re problems.

I have a daughter in her thirties living at home because she CANNOT get a full-time job. She always pays her board without argument and does her own cleaning and laundry (though she is a bot of a lazy kipper when it comes to general housework), but she and we would LOVE to have her out in her own home. She's lovely, we get on very well, but she's an ADULT and needs her own space (as do we).

I think you’re right to say no! Or at least put a timeline on it! Say he can move in for 6-12 months and save up to give him a fighting chance!
However too many parents just let their sons move back in. It is normally sons too IME.
I think you are doing the right thing. The harder thing but the right thing in the long run. I speak as a young person who’s parents would not have let me move back in indefinitely. Some think it’s harsh but I get it!

Hmm, if my son had lived away for 6 years and out of the blue wanted to come home I'd be asking myself why. Money worries, depression, just general fed upness with scraping along in a shared flat and no money for fun?

My DS is 23 and moved back home after uni and travelling. He has a decent job with prospects but it doesn't pay loads. While he's at home he does his own laundry and generally helps out. He comes and goes as he pleases, we like having him around.

And though he's planning to move out, after doing the sums I think he'd be better staying home. It's not much fun being skint when you're young (or indeed at any time). We've told him he's welcome to come back if he gets fed up of grotty flatshares.

I think you need to talk to your son about what is actually going on.

Everyone's views on welcoming him with open arms vs cock lodger are just muddying the waters.

Why - if he already has a job and a flat with people he likes - is he suddenly determined to up sticks and move home?

He says it's just to have cash in his pocket - but really? Ignore all these people shooting "entitled!!!" I think it's strange. Everyone in their twenties wishes they had more money. That doesn't mean they all suddenly move home - unless they are saving for a specific purpose, and he hasn't said that.

When I've been unhappy (living away in my twenties, paying rent, have a stable job - medal please...) I've often jokingly said to my parents "prepare my room, i'm coming home!" and they say "Sure!", knowing full well I won't. I just like to have that comforting thought that if it all really did go tits up, I could go back (which is why I thought the poster who threw out her 25 year old son's bed the day after he left was really harsh - but who am I to say anything. I was the "perfect child" who moved out at 18).

I wonder if the op's son has just taken this "comfort thought" a bit further. It doesn't sound like he really has any concrete plans at all other than the vague "get another job" (surely you'd do that beforehand??) How far away does he live? It just seems really weird that he'd be prepared to let it all go for the sake of this vague venture - which is why, instead of being "horrified" at the prospect, you should try to get to the bottom of things. Just ask how he is. Don't go in with all guns blazing and asking for more than the market rate or any other of some of the ridiculous suggestions listed here.

And finally - two points:

A common viewpoint is that previous generations had an easy ride when it came to housing. It was easier to buy - but that didn't mean that they didn't know real sacrifice. As someone in her twenties, I think older people really did know what it was like to lead very modest lifestyles. I don't know what happened - maybe they wanted to give us kids stuff they never had - but for my peer group, we really do struggle with the idea of what is modest. We're paid less than before, but we try to lead lifestyles of people who earn a lot more! There isn't much you can do to try and change the habits of an entire generation. But we eat out, and we travel. It all adds up. To be honest, it's reckless. But that's what people do these days.

One thing that goes some way to explain this behaviour is the fact that, for lots of young people renting in the private sector, if they don't move home/have someone give them a deposit, even trying to save enough themselves is just a futile exercise, so might as well enjoy life while we:re going because probably the future is fucked. I save a bit, but let's face it, the bulk of my earnings goes on rent and so that's the price I pay for my happy, independent life in my twenties. Will I look back and think that was the "right" choice? I don't know. But I did have fun.

Has no job, looking to move back in.

I've seen this over and over, he's after an easy life.

This attitude that a child becomes a fully fledged, wordly-wise adult as soon as they hit their 18th birthday, and must fuck off into the sunset and never darken the doorstep again is fucking repugnant

No, you lying that anyone has said anything remotely like that is fucking repugnant, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

And the rest of you who are encouraging OP to put her own needs aside for a grown adult child who merely fancies having more money by taking advantage of his parents, shame on you to. If you would do it, fine, who cares, but don't have a go at other women who won't.

littlebird he HAS a job, he HAS a very nice shared flat. He is just fed up of not having much money left at the end of the month. He has enough to go out every weekend, and buys something new to wear at least every couple of weeks. He just hasn't got any left to save up for a new car that he fancies, or in the longer term to save for a house. He isn't asking for support to "get on his feet", he's been living independently for several years!

livefornaps you have hit the nail on the head there. We have our own house, but when we were in our early twenties we scrimped and saved every penny to save the deposit. We did not go out and drink £10 cocktails (he does) we didn't buy new clothes unless we needed them, and we didn't go on foreign holidays. I feel that their generation largely expect to live the lifestyle of those on much higher salaries. He has realised he can't afford to do this and save at the same time, so has decided it will benefit him to move back into what he still considers "his house".

And wouldn't you want to help your ds get into the property ladder? Most parents help with the deposit if they are financially able.
You won't even let him sleep in his own room.

Is this in the Daily Mail yet? Or independent?