Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban son from moving back in?

471 replies

Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:08

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 06/10/2017 10:01

You need to tell him no before he gives notice on his flat.

I wouldn't have him back in your situation.

My brother will never move out (early 40's now) and my mum hates it. He acts like a brat. Never has chance to just be on her own with my dad.

cresit · 06/10/2017 10:03

livefornaps, I'm the harsh poster who threw her son's bed out when he left home at 25. It's true that you don't understand the circumstances that caused me to do this, but I can assure you it was the best thing for him as well as me. He survived.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 06/10/2017 10:03

Box I had not option to return home because our home was literally lost, however I always considered whereever my dp were to be my home too. That was really important to me, and I hope my dc have the same from us. I would never want to turn them away. It will always be their home too, The family relations are more important to me than the "classifications" of who actually owns what.

You have raised this boy, you have raised him not to save not to do this and that and now your blaming him for it. You really really sound like you dont like him at all, I think you need to have a long hard look at yourself.

In future he meets a girl, settles down, has dc. I am afraid this sounds like the classic MiL scenario where you feel your wonderful to him, and yet you sound like you loath him as a scabby cheeky fucker in every post who has no respect for you - this is aside from the moving aspect you just dont sound like you like him.

Thats fine, I know of too many parents who dont like or understand their adult dc. However this often goes hand in hand with their adult dc in return not being so keen to share their lives with their DP.

Hmm, if my son had lived away for 6 years and out of the blue wanted to come home I'd be asking myself why. Money worries, depression, just general fed upness with scraping along in a shared flat and no money for fun?

I agree I would also be thinking there may be more too it...

existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 10:03

And wouldn't you want to help your ds get into the property ladder? Most parents help with the deposit if they are financially able.You won't even let him sleep in his own room

It's not his room! His room is in his flat, where he lives, because he is an ADULT.
Why should OP have her adult children live with her if she doesn't want to?

R2G · 06/10/2017 10:09

Perhaps just tell him if he's struggling for any reason you can help, but if not then you would prefer him to stand on his own two feet x

Tensecondrule · 06/10/2017 10:10

You have my sympathy, my daughter has also made noises about wanting to move back in for similar reasons. I'm keeping my fingers crossed it never comes to it as I don't think we could live under the same roof again. We've got used to having the house to ourselves and although both of them come back for weekends, moving back in is a whole different ball game.

Roomster101 · 06/10/2017 10:13

I wouldn't refuse to let him move back in as I think that could permanently affect your future relationship with him. You say you would let him if he really needed your support but maybe he actually does but is too proud to tell you about it. You could set a lot of ground rules (in advance) and charge him rent so that if he really is just doing it to have more spending money, he will think again.

AshleySilver · 06/10/2017 10:14

You sound like you loath him as a scabby cheeky fucker in every post who has no respect for you - this is aside from the moving aspect you just dont sound like you like him.

If that is the case, wouldn't he be better off not moving in with someone who feels that way?

CosyFires · 06/10/2017 10:16

YANBU. Had your DS found himself in a situation where he was struggling and couldn't afford to live alone anymore then I'm sure you'd have him home (YWBU if you said no to that).

As it goes though, DS is choosing to give up his job and flat to save himself some money by sponging off you. That makes him a CF and YANBU to refuse him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/10/2017 10:20

You're getting some very nasty posts, OP. Undeserved. Your son is fit and well and has a flat-share and financial independence. There's no reason for him to move back home. Stand your ground. You've already said that your home is your children's should they actually need it.

This isn't the same. The coddling posters just make me think that they have/had no lives beyond being mothers and are clinging to that forever in the hope that future DILs will love them... they have a bit of a shock coming perhaps because nobody likes mummy's boys/girls as an adult partner.

SouthWindsWesterly · 06/10/2017 10:22

Oh ffs!

My DP's didn't pay for my wedding, they didn't pay for driving lessons, nor car nor insurance. Occasionally ally when needed theybhelped out and when i came back to the UK from abroad, I stayed with them for 15months whilst finding a job, paying rent, letting them drive my vehicle, paying for one weeks worth of shopping plus a big meal out for the 3 of us once a month. I didn't begrudge them the extras, they didn't begrudge me moving in as it was discussed and was an adult decision. Plus it wasn't long term - just until I saved enough on my own. This, by the way, was not that long ago.

The OP isn't being a draconian Dickens type character - she will help out if and when it's needed but what is riling her here is the fact that DS1 has announced his decision whilst making no effort to find a solution to his hemorrhaging money by addressing his own lifestyle. Instead he is presuming that his parents will supplement him whilst he carries on. He's not seeking a solution to his his money woes as opposed to freeloading off his parents. The word people are grasping for here is entitled.

OP - wait for the face to face conversation and then give him a print out of costings:
Market rate rent
Council tax
Electricity
Gas
Water with the month expectation of his contribution.

No bills for the landline as you expect him to use his mobile.

Set rules out for noise returning home from nights out, laundry, cleanliness of shared areas and the length of time you are willing to have this all for, e.g. 15months. See if he still wants to move in when you've given him he full list before he hands his notice in and quits his job. Forewarned is forearmed.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 06/10/2017 10:23

If that is the case, wouldn't he be better off not moving in with someone who feels that way?

yes but does he realise it?

Imagine if he read this thread Shock

Maybe he has grown up, maybe he can save and do stuff - how will he feel with his own mother running him down like this? treating him like the looser?

YouTheCat · 06/10/2017 10:23

My 22 year old is still at home. She's a student in her final year. She pays me about £30 a week for her keep (considerably less than if she was in student digs). She's not very tidy. However, she works really hard and doesn't go out till all hours getting pissed. She knows I'm happy for her to stay a while once she gets a job so long as she is saving for a deposit because she wants to buy somewhere as soon as she is able. She also knows that if she moved out but then had a crisis (quite possible as she's an Aspie) then I'd be happy for her to move back for a bit.

However, she also doesn't take the piss, takes responsibility for herself and doesn't expect me to run after her. She wouldn't expect me to fund her lifestyle choices shoes .

Majormanner · 06/10/2017 10:23

I moved back in until I was 25 but it was all at the suggestion of parents who insisted I save for a deposit for a house and I paid (minimal) rent. I never expected it of them and would have rented but for the fact they were against it as wasted money.

Stand firm with whatever you decide and don't get taken for a ride

existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 10:26

Imagine if he read this thread

I imagine he would be laughing at you too.

AnotherShirtRuined · 06/10/2017 10:26

MyDcAreMarvel I think the point the OP is making is that her son could save up if he wanted to. It would mean fewer nights out and fewer new clothes and the like but it is doable if he were willing. Instead he - a grown, though still young, man - fancies having someone else paying for him. The someone else being his parents. Not only that he hasn't even had the manners to politely ask but simply told them of his plans. I for one do not think the OP unreasonable at all in this case.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/10/2017 10:27

Agree with SouthWindsWesterly, if you follow her advice then all should work out to mutual satisfaction - and you won't get stuck having agreed on a short term move-in only to find that it's not working and that he just doesn't want to leave whereupon you have to force the issue or just give up on the notion of your 'child' ever reaching independence again.

A definite timescale and agreed expectations is the way forward if you have him move back in.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 06/10/2017 10:27

The coddling posters just make me think that they have/had no lives beyond being mothers and are clinging to that forever in the hope that future DILs will love them... they have a bit of a shock coming perhaps because nobody likes mummy's boys/girls as an adult partner

Grin

Not at all , utter nonsense.
If dont, fine, it happens but dont expect to be included once you are elderly, have nothing to do and want to be around your gc all the time.

Myheartbelongsto · 06/10/2017 10:29

Just wow.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 06/10/2017 10:29

Op show him this thread, he will run a mile and not want to darken your door ever again

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 06/10/2017 10:30

I'd let one of mine come back to save for a mortgage deposit or till they sorted themselves out if they were going through a bad time.

Would I let them come back indefinitely at 24 years old just cause they were fed up paying bills and wanted to live the high life with their wages courtesy of me. Eh no. They are an adult and need to learn to live in the real world.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/10/2017 10:33

Bornfree, in which case I will have done my best as a loving parent which I plan to be forever. We don't treat parents like this in my culture nor do we ignore children. I don't coddle though because that would be doing a shit job.

I'm not referring to all posters on the thread just the ones lashing out at the OP... their fear is palpable!

existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 10:33

If dont, fine, it happens but dont expect to be included once you are elderly, have nothing to do and want to be around your gc all the time

Wow. Look after and house your kids until they are 40 otherwise you can fuck off when you are old and they will ignore you?
What a bizarre view of human relationships.

YouTheCat · 06/10/2017 10:35

I don't want to be 'coddled' when I'm old. I'm sure my dd would look after me in some way if I needed it as I would for her if she needed it . OP's ds doesn't need looking after, he just fancies having fewer outgoings.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 06/10/2017 10:36

i read a research study recently that mentioned a child grief helpline receiving calls from a woman who was grieving the loss of her 55 year old child.

My children will always be my children even as adults (one of them already is an adult) My home will always be her home.

Swipe left for the next trending thread