To ban son from moving back in?

[Boxset67]

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

timeisnotaline of course we can discuss it, and having known him for this long, I know that he will indeed agree to any ground rules to get his own way. Then a week or two down the line, it'll be "I need this shirt for tonight, as you're doing some laundry could you do this as well?" Which of course is a reasonable enough request. Then "oh I'm going out half hour after work so I won't have time to cook anything, can I just have some of your dinner?" Again, reasonable request. But can you see where this is going? After a while we would end up back to teenage years with me doing it all because to refuse would seem churlish. NannyOgg you hit the nail on the head. I don't want to go back to house sharing, sharing the remote, having his stuff everywhere. Of course there would be ground rules which he would not stick to, resulting in me having to nag him, us arguing, DH getting involved in said arguments, everyone getting resentful. I will repeat, these now adult children of mine have wanted for nothing. In fact this was my biggest mistake as they were growing up I now realise. He has this sense of entitlement because we have been like this all his life! And now we think it's reasonable to live the quiet life, but clearly that makes me a monster in some eyes.

YANBU. He’s 24, he’s old enough to support himself. It’s not like he’s fallen on hard times - he just wants more money! If he wants to have more money to throw around, then he can find a better-paying job, a cheaper flat or cut back on unnecessary spending. You and your DH deserve some quiet time now by yourselves.

So why not make it a condition?

"Ds rent will be £300 per month and I will make a third meal on the evenings I am cooking, and if Im doing a load of laundry and your stuff is in the basket I will chuck it in. But Im not fetching and carrying or running round after you last minute. 6 months should be long enough to save to move out again. Dont forget to set up a standing order for your rent thanks".

boxset listen you gave then everything. Now it is your time. My mil had son with her until 42. He still goes home for the dinner everyday as works close by. Even though he is married. It is too much for an elderly person and very selfish.

Don't do it

You say no wash your own shirts. It's easy really

You have to say no. If he does move back in, you have said you will end up doing stuff for him because it would be unreasonable not to? WTAF?

You don't want this, it's your house, your life JUST SAY NO!

I'd struggle to say no because I've always been clear that our home will always be open to DS, but then he is only 9! Growing up, we were never asked to leave and I lived with my Dad until 26. I paid him rent and did my own washing and could come and go as I pleased.

We are even thinking about saving to build a house in our garden for DS as where we live property is so expensive, I can't see him being able to afford live there and house prices seem to be climbing, I'm not sure he would get a mortgage!

Him moving back in doesn't mean your life will be ruined does it? Make it clear, he pays rent, he buys his food, he cooks his dinner and does his own washing up.

My parents adopted the position that once 18 their DC were no longer their responsibility. We were expected to move out, become independent and manage our own lives. Any help was slow in coming, had to be grovelled for and came with controlling conditions attached.
Now they are old and frail they wonder why they are not surrounded by loving children and grandchildren like some of their neighbours.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think it's really cheeky of him to assume he can "save" by staying with you - presumably because he thinks you'll pick up the tab for his food, internet, etc. He should have discussed it with you first so that you could a) give your opinion, and b) come to a financial arrangement with him if you agreed to him moving in. The fact that he just assumes he can move back in suggests that he's not really thinking about you and your DH at all, only himself.

I do agree that it would be a totally different situation if he lost his job, or had a relationship breakdown or something, but that's not the case here. He's simply wanting to move back in to make his life easier/better/cheaper. Which I think is cheeky.

Isn't there scope for compromise?

He pays you a fair rent.

Has his own TV in his room - which he buys, so there's no issue with the remote.

Cooking separately seems a bit unnecessary, but how about he cooks 2 meals a week for the 3 of you? Helps clear up every night.

Laundry - he can keep his separately and do it himself, including towels and bedding.

Maybe you will find that he has matured and is a bit more responsible and easier to have around the house than the last time he lived at home.

I don’t think yabu at all.
If you don’t think you can set ground rules that won’t be broken then you can definitely put him off by charging him a third of the household bills and expenses.

I think he is BVU and entitled to expect to be able to move back in to save lots of cash without at least discussing it with you.

I moved back in briefly with my parents when I was 22- no choice as I was job hunting and obviously they didn’t mind.
But I hated having to fit in with their weird ways again and was out within about 4 months.

The guy is an ADULT. You're not doing him any favours if you let him move back in. Adult children have to move on and stay moved on, it's the law.

Boxset, I completely understand what you're saying, but on MN land, you have to support your adult children fully all their lives, you must never charge them rent and if you do you save it to give them a house deposit, blah blah blah. You have the measure of him and know he will pisstake. He already is, he never asked you, just told you like it was his house he's paying all the bills in and told you he's doing it to 'save money' so he think he shouldn't be charged like a normal person.

I'd get your H to tell him. 'Your mother and I have talked about it. Whilst our home is also an open door if you fall on hard times, she and I are enjoying our independence now and our lives as a married couple. If you get a job near here, you'll need to arrange your own accommodation.'

I wouldn't have dreamed of announcing I was going to dump myself into the family home at that age because I fancied it. Even when I go for a visit, it's not my home anymore, it's my parent's house.

If you don't want him to move back in, are you prepared for him never to be able to afford to purchase his own home? In the current rental market, it's VERY difficult to save for a house deposit.

Just say no. He doesn’t NEED to live with you he wants to sponge off you!

I wouldn't let my 20something who'd been living independently move back in, just because they don't want to pay rent anymore/wanted more monthly spending money.

I would let him if he was saving for a deposit, studying or had a different long term goal in mind i.e. There was a reason. Does he have a long term goal in mind OP? Without that, I'd just say no.

'Isn't there scope for compromise?'

She has already explained what he's like. This is a no-brainer, OP. He's well into adulthood, it's not a hard times situation, he didn't ask just announced, is doing this to 'save money' so sees your home as a place to freeload, will start to ignore ground rules and most of all, you like your freedom!

Get your H to tell him he needs to find his own accommodation if he gets a job near you.

YANBU - this is your time now with your husband to do what you want. You are not obliged to continue caring for adult children when they are capable of doing that for themselves.

Just sayto him, " that's a lovely idea but your dad and I are really enjoying having the house to ourselves and all the freedom that gives us. We'll always help you out if you are in trouble, but we don't want a house full again. We'll be saying the same to your brothers when they are 24. You are much better off with your own place".

'If you don't want him to move back in, are you prepared for him never to be able to afford to purchase his own home? In the current rental market, it's VERY difficult to save for a house deposit.'

How is that the parent's fault? What about the rest of the world who don't have parents or jobs near parents so they can sponge? That's neither here nor there, he already has a job, he's deliberately applying for one near his folks because he thinks he can sponge.

Then make it financially unattractive for him to move home, since this seems to be his primary motivation.

He moves in - you charge him rent, proportion of the bills.
He initially agrees to share the chores - fine.
You end up doing his washing - charge him for it.
You end up cooking for him - charge him for it.
He ends up eating your food out of the fridge - charge him for it.

Yes I know it sounds petty and churlish and all those other things - but you either let him take you for a ride again, or you mother up and teach him to be the responsible adult you would like him to be, and who might then attract a life partner and move out again!

Faced with this my friend replied ‘oh I’m sorry darling, we’ve just arranged to put the house on the market and downsize’. They hadn’t, but they did the next day.

Just say no, gently. 'Dad and I have plans of our own now'. Your only issue, as I see it, is would it be the same answer if one of the younger ones wants to live at home (in a non emergency situation) in the next few years - you would have to be clear whther it would be the same for them or not ie. are they expected to do as their brother has and be self-sufficient from a fairly early age.

I would readily help any of my DC IF they were in need.
This is not the case, he hasn't mentioned saving.
To quit a job to move back in is not helping him, it is allowing him to be a parasite.
I enjoy my kids, I also enjoy living as an independent adult for the first time in nigh on 30 years.
What if all 3 move back in permanently ?
Don't let it happen, or if you do, he has a written rent book, for a fixed period, tell him the rent is X, plus his share for elec, rates, water, & laundry not included. & like in any shared housing situation you do not roll in at 4am & wake up the other occupants/leave junk everywhere

If he were moving back to save for a deposit/fund studies or another goal, I'd be inclined to let him, with firm ground rules. It does rather sound as if he just wants more beer money. I moved back in with a parent in my 30s and wasn't charged rent. However, I did it to attend full-time uni, worked in the hols and got a first out of my studies. I moved out when the degree was finished.

Mine are younger and I always want to help them but part of that help is encouraging them to be self-sufficient (getting harder for young adults to do that, anyway)

I'd be horrified if any of ours came back home. Not that they've left yet. But my job is to turn them into independent adults not the next generation of cock lodgers.