To ban son from moving back in?

[Boxset67]

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

Not read all the replies, but how horrible! Even if he's grown up, flown the nest and no longer with you, why is it so bad if he's moving closer and maybe moving back in for a bit?
He's your child. I moved away to uni at 18 and got my own flat at 20, if I'd needed to go back at any point to my parents I know they'd always be there.
Treat him like an adult though if he does come back. Rent, contribution to bills, and no you don't have to do his washing.

I am 46 and know that I could turn up on his doorstep tomorrow with DS in tow and move in for as long as I liked. I will do the same for DS. My home is his home.

This is like me. I'm 40 with a couple of kids but my mum and dad's house (my childhood home) is still where we could turn up if we needed them.
I'll be the same with mine when they're old enough. We're always their home.

No doubt you came from the generation that was handed everything but doesn’t realise it

If only

Well, I grew up in a working class family/environment, single income household, with 6 siblings in a 2 bedroom, crumbling, damp ridden house.
I'm the 2nd eldest, so grew up being an almost 'second mum' to my siblings instead of just enjoying a 'normal' sibling relationship.
We were all expected to help with chores in accordance to our ages, so i was sorting out the laundry and ironing for the whole family by the time i was 16.
We didn't get 'pocket money'.....parents couldn't afford that.

Went to the local comp and passed my GCSE's without having a home tutor/after school clubs.
Completed my A Levels at 19, didn't want to waste time and money going to uni, so got a job and started making plans to move out.
Got my money together and moved to SW London before i turned 20 and lived in various houseshares for 4 years.
Worked various jobs on a wage of between £12-£13k per year.

When i wanted to move back up North, i started planning 12 months in advance - where i wanted to live, job prospects, cost of living, deposits etc.
I applied for properties via estate agents and housing assoc/council/gumtree.
I had a job lined up and a rental signed for before i moved back up.

If i wanted holidays, branded items etc then it was me who made the necessary sacrifices.
I ate Smartprice foods to save money, bought next years winter stuff in the post xmas sales etc to enable myself to afford the luxuries that i wanted.
Going on holiday was and still is a luxury - paying my household bills and living expenses take priority.

I never received any financial help from my parents.
It never occurred to me to hold my parents responsible for financing my adult life choices.
Or to keep on making personal sacrifices to enable me to have the life i wanted.

I guess seeing my own parents work hard, struggle, sacrifice and take personal responsibility for their life choices rubbed off on me.......

HeebieJeebie said the magic words - personal responsibility

OP I don't blame you one bit for feeling as you do.

This is a very sad story. If you're old enough to have kids in their 20s you probably bought a house for peanuts in the 90s and have no idea how hard it is for young people paying today's rents. Can't he muck in with the cooking and laundry and stay with you for a bit? You did create this person, it is rather U to wash your hands of him because he has reached some arbitrary age.

I hope my teenaged son never leaves home, unless he wants to and has somewhere nice of his own to go!

I am 46 and know that I could turn up on his doorstep tomorrow with DS in tow and move in for as long as I liked. I will do the same for DS. My home is his home.

This is like me. I'm 40 with a couple of kids but my mum and dad's house (my childhood home) is still where we could turn up if we needed them.
I'll be the same with mine when they're old enough. We're always their home.

I am the same with my adult children, and my parents are even the same with me and DH. I will always be welcome at my childhood home, and my DC will always be welcome here (as well as with my DP). They've got keys, and we often get in to find a kid in the house looking for something or waiting for us, and it's lovely. Of course it is, they are our children and we love them. And, God forbid, if one ever turned up on the doorstep in need, 3 kids and a house full of possessions in tow, there would be no question as to whether they could stay, even forever.

However, the key word there is need.

If one of them suddenly turned up with a couple bags of clothes, having decided the whole "paying rent" thing wasn't as fun as they'd thought it would be and moaning that life is expensive, I would not be doing my job as a parent - which is, ultimately, raising them to be responsible, self-sufficient, intelligent adults before sending them off into the world, IMO - were I to let them stay because they want to play the teenager again. That's just my opinion on it.

I feel very strongly that our family home will always be open to our children. They can live here forever if they want or move in and out as they please. I would obviously expect them to be respectful and would presume a point would come when they wouldn't want to be here.

You don't sound very nice OP. You said you are horrified at the thought of living with your son. That's a horrible thing to say. As for laundry and dinner, I just don't see a problem. I think your son would be hurt if he read this thread. You don't come across as a nice person. I actually found your posts shocking to read. They made me quite sad.

Also, you may have grandchildren one day, and while you may not be keen to be involved, you might want to see them sometimes. I'm not suggesting that your son will deliberately stop you seeing them of course, but by refusing him shelter now you may be setting in motion a chain of events which leads to his having to move some distance away, which would make contact more difficult. I'm in a slightly similar-yet-different situation to your son in that my parents offered financial help then withdrew that offer, meaning that I had to go abroad to buy a house. I certainly didn't do it to spite them since it was a financial necessity, but I'm not sentimental about leaving them, either! It is what it is.

I think it is incredibly rude to assume that he can move back without asking or for finding out what house rules will be. Secondly, if there are any timescales. To move home for an emergency is one thing, but to move home for a lesser reason is strange. I would suggest checking out the price of local airb&b room rates. What happens if he moves a partner in too?

I think YANBU! I can't believe some of the responses here! Totally different if it was an emergency, or he had a clear plan of saving for a deposit and had asked. But that's not what's happening here! I've had to move back I with my parents at one stage with my 3DC after splitting with DH. But I asked, and made it a priority to find somewhere to live as quickly as I could and moved out after 2 months. I was also acutely aware of the strain it put them under (even though they would never ever say that to me, or make me feel like it was a bother). I chipped in as much as I could with washing / meals / cleaning etc. The op knows her DS, and thinks this wouldn't be the case.

He's also 24 - not a fresh faced 19 year old or anything. He's an adult man! Op, you're definitely NBU here. He's old enough to stand on his own two feet!

Ri think it's a big mistake to baby grow. Up male children - they end up weird and find it hard to adjust to adult relationships. As his mother, what he expects should not concern you. You are not doing his laundry or cooking his meals and that's the end of it. He needs to learn to wash his own arse.

Also, you may have grandchildren one day, and while you may not be keen to be involved, you might want to see them sometimes. I'm not suggesting that your son will deliberately stop you seeing them of course, but by refusing him shelter now you may be setting in motion a chain of events which leads to his having to move some distance away, which would make contact more difficult.

Refusing him shelter? This guy is not about to be out on the streets without his parents' help! To all appearances he wants to move home so that he has more cash for holidays!

You're obviously annoyed about your situation with your own parents, but it's drawing a ridiculously long bow to suggest that if the OP is less than keen to have her adult son move back in with her, she may be setting herself up for a lifetime of minimal contact with her as-yet-nonexistent grandchildren.

I do wonder how many people on here saying the OP is horrid actually have twenty something's that left and came back?

I do, happy to have him back whilst he saves for a deposit on a house, and generally speaking we get on great. He works long hours and has a good social life so only seems to sleep here. Doesn't expect to be cooked for or makes a mess. However if he were more like the OPs son I wouldn't be so keen. I am always glad when DD goes back to uni and we are incredibly close but she is a nightmare.a mess, a party animal, lazy, overemotional.

I love them both dearly, doesn't mean you want to live with them forever.

Wow, glad my parents weren’t like most people on here. I moved back in for almost a year at 30 before buying my own place (12 years ago). And currently, herein Ireland, a lot of young people and couples are doing just that. I would like to think that there will always be a room here for my son.

He sounds disrespectful and entitled. As you have said, you’d have no objection to him moving back in for certain reasons, this seems he wants his cake and eat it. He lives at home and follows family rules of he lives in a house share and lives as he pleases.

My son will always have a home here.
Having said that I think your DS needs help learning to save money and he needs to learn to look after himself and do his share of necessary housework if he is ever going to find a life partner.
So yes I would let him back but charge him a decent chunk of board, possibly save this for him as a house deposit? Don't do his washing/ ironing. He cooks for the 3 of you twice a week as part of the deal, and give him a regular job such as mow the lawn and do the hoovering, plus emptying the dishwasher.

The idea that having children requires you to house them forever is rubbish. When they are grown, your job is done (for most, at 21). Of course, assuming you get on as adults, most parents would be happy to put their children up for a while if they needed help.

However the idea that a parent’s home is just optional rent free accommodation is a bit weird and encourages a really unhealthy dependency.

YABU- you feel horrified? You don't sound like you even like your child

I think entitled and cheeky etc are very harsh. He made the mistake of taking it for granted that he was welcome back in the family home. He assumed his parents would be happy to still share a home with him. I don't see how that is so terrible. Given that he isn't you need to put him right. And I agree if he returned he needs to see he'd be returning as an adult, and all that entails. But I wouldn't be so annoyed that he assumed he was welcome.

Might also be worth trying to check if he really is as happy as you think. It seems odd to be in a happy flat share with a job and friends, yet want to relocate, move in with your parents, look for a new job. If you are sure it's not about saving for a deposit I'd wonder how happy he actually is.

My God there are bizarre people on here . ! Try reading what the OP has written and THEN commenting. Not just providing some completely irrelevant commentary regarding your own life and how your parents have had you back home to live following massive life changing issues.

For the hard of understanding , the OPs son is not ;

In financial trouble
In need of medical treatment
In emotional turmoil following a breakup
Facing impending homelessness
Finding flat mates difficult to live with
Or saving for a house.

All of which, the OP has clearly stated to be reasons for which she would happily have her DS home. Her question was 'is she being unreasonable to Ban DS from moving back in' based on the above and solely as a lifestyle choice ?

No OP. You are definitely not unreasonable.

Adult standing on own two feet doesn't get to 'chuck it all in' just because he wants more spending money. I think I would also find that attractive. I could do the exact same thing. Move in with my DM. Get shot of my mortgage, cut my food bills/utility by getting DM to pay lions share .
To all those saying 'how can you be so awful to your child' do you think my mum should 'welcome me home' ?

I'm 53 and she's 81.? 'I'm still her 'child' . Where do all the bleeding hearts draw a line. ?

Im older than the ds and ive always known that i can go back to mum and dads whenever i want, for as long as i want, for any reason.

Op sounds pretty horrid tbh

Another YANBU here. My soon to be 22 year old comes home during uni holidays, and that is fine. We will of course house him and support him post MA if he hasn't found gainful employment, but he will have to find some kind of job here in Belgium, even if it's shelf stacking somewhere.

I am hoping he'll be sorted by the time he's 25.

Much as I love him and like him, he is my one and only dc, I want him to be independent. He knows we will always have his back if it all goes horribly wrong, and that he won't be homeless, but we do expect him to get out there and get on with his life.

You know your son.

You know whether he is moving back for honourable reasons, as an adult man. Will he behave as an adult, save every penny, do more than his share of housework, pay his share of the bills, be respectful of your space.

Or do you know that he is moving back for dubious reasons, as a wannabe manchild. If you think you would find yourself enabling him to be a manchild and cocklodger then you'd be doing him a massive disservice to let him move back in.

It's all very well to say don't do his laundry, charge him proper rent etc but if he just doesn't (despite agreeing before moving in) then you are in a very very awkward resentful position that could ruin your relationship for a long time.

You know him. You obviously think he's a wannabe manchild. Save him and his future wife by making him continue being an adult in his own space.

Just say no.