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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban son from moving back in?

471 replies

Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:08

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

OP posts:
Enko · 06/10/2017 12:12

maybe because he unwittingly feels comfortable to do so? isn't that a nice thing?

No I really don't think someone lacking manners is a nice thing. I also do not think my comparison with dd1 asking if she can be collected rather than expecting it is a different situation. They are both about manners and respect to me. I think ops son has shown a huge lack of in making that " comfortable " decision.

As for the comment (not same poster) about who knows young men who are good at asking, I have a 16 year old ds and we often has his friends in the house . I have friends / work colleagues with 20-30 year olds ds I have never ever experienced any of those boys/young men who could not say " please may I/can you - would you be able to - is it ok if I?" I have never heard any of them state that their sons are entitled (I have heard plenty of complaints about lazy/laundry/non homework / non cleaning) However not once have I experienced them not knowing you ask for things you want from others.

Tazerface · 06/10/2017 12:14

Ok Tinkly, so if you're not saying you know there is more to it, what are you saying? That OP is too dim to understand or worry about her own son? Or does OP have a duty to house her son at cut prices just in case of those things even if he says there's nothing untoward going on?

I'm with LyingWitch, I'll take what OP says at face value because what's the point in doing otherwise.

Threenme · 06/10/2017 12:16

Haven't read full thread but yabu imo I'm sure it's not a common one. My children will always have a home with me whenever they want one. My dgp had me and my mum with them when she was pregnant and my 'dad' tried to bully her into an abortion. We stayed until I was 4. I'm in my 30,s now I could go there with all my children and live there tomorrow if I wanted to.

swampytiggaa · 06/10/2017 12:20

My eldest (24) came home for Christmas last November. She left mid September. I was very glad to see her go tbh as she reverted to child mode whilst she was here.

I have four other children. I am not ashamed to say that I am already planning what to do with their rooms when they eventually move out. I love them dearly but by the time the youngest is an adult I will have spent 35+ years looking after children and I want to have some freedom before proper old age sets in x

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/10/2017 12:20

For me how the numbers stacked up would be an impoortant factor. If my DC was earning enough to keep a roof over his head and food on the table, but not enough for a decent social life or a holiday, then honestly I'd have no problem with him being at home. Life's too short to spend it skint and miserable when there's an empty bedroom at home. Plenty of time to move out when the finances are better.

However my view is coloured by the fact that my DS is a nice person to have around and our house is large enough for us not to be under each other's feet.

Though actually, in our house, DS is quite happy to go back to skint squalor and move out soon, as he is missing his own space and the big city.

Birdsgottafly · 06/10/2017 12:22

"Thinking about it, my friend has her 37 year old son and his girlfriend live with her"

That might work for her, but having my nearly 20 year old living with me limits my sex life.

She may never live elsewhere, she has LD's, but there may come a point were living with me, will limit her sex life.

If he has nights out, the OP and her DH will have to put up with being disturbed etc.

My middle DD (and her DD) have only just left. It means that I can slob around a bit more than I could and not have to consider anyone else.

The point is that having another Adult live in your home, makes a massive difference, if you don't all set ground rules and treat it as a house share,with a bit more respect, thrown in.

As for the ides that a Mother should be life-long self sacrificing, that is ridiculous. Helping a adult child out is one thing, but them declaring that they want to drop their living costs so are moving in, is a piss take.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/10/2017 12:35

Taser I'm not saying the OP is too dim to know what her son is up to. I'm saying that it's worth bearing in mind. Obviously the OP might have already thought about all this, in which case, great. But she came on here asking opinions and this is mine.

Perfectly1mperfect · 06/10/2017 12:45

MinervaSaidThat

No I don't see a problem with her cooking and doing laundry for her son. She and her husband do presumably need to eat and have clean clothes so it's not an extra thing to do. If her son is home first or has a day off then he can cook, put a wash on etc.

Children should always feel like they have a place with their mum and dad no matter what their age IMO. I have seen the damage caused in families where this is not the case.

Crispsheets · 06/10/2017 12:48

Well said swampy

Iris65 · 06/10/2017 12:50

so it's not an extra thing to do.

Actually cooking, cleaning and laundry is increased by a third! I know this because I have lived alone and have lived with a man who did nothing. My work (more than) doubled when I moved in, but according to your logic it was no extra!

Perfectly1mperfect · 06/10/2017 12:58

Iris65

I presume OP has a washing machine and is not hand washing his dirty pants ! It takes minutes to load, unload a washing machine, hang it or shove it in a tumble dryer. He can also do it at times and can do his own ironing. If you cook anyway, it doesn't take hours longer to cook an extra portion.

existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 13:01

Are you for real? She should just get on and cook and clean for her adult son who announces he is moving in?

WTF is wrong with some of you? Do you have such low self esteem that you need to hold on to that full on mothering role for ever? Do you have no lives of your own? And do you have no pride in your parenting to encourage your adult children to act like grown ups?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 06/10/2017 13:03

YANBU because he's an adult and it's your home. However my home would always be open and available to my grown kids, especially considering it would help them save for a property of their own.

Perfectly1mperfect · 06/10/2017 13:16

existentialmoment

Why would they not be acting like grown ups just because they live with their parents. The OP is assuming she would go back to looking after him like when he was a child living at home. Set some rules like they put a wash on if the basket is full, they change their bed, do own ironing etc if you really need to. My kids would do this by 24, I would hope without being asked though. I don't think it's hard.

Why would it mean we didn't have a life of our own just because we wouldn't have a problem with our adult son living with us. I manage to have my own life with my under 18 children living with us so I don't get your point.

Iris65 · 06/10/2017 13:39

takes minutes to load, unload a washing machine, hang it or shove it in a tumble dryer.

It takes more minutes to wash more items. Another person increases the washing by a third (at least). If the OP normally does two loads a week, at minimum she will have to do another load and I haven't included towels and linen in that!
It costs more to feed three. It takes longer to prepare a third more food. It takes longer to wash up a third more crockery and cutlery.
If you are suggesting that instead of freezing a meal she feeds her son then that also increases the work as she will have to cook another meal to replace it.
It is also the principal of being expected to take him in and to be his housekeeper.

existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 13:41

Why would they not be acting like grown ups just because they live with their parents

A grown man who doesn't even ask his parents if he can move back in is not acting like a grown up. OP has given other examples of how he does not act very grown up.

MinervaSaidThat · 06/10/2017 13:43

However, she STILL makes excuses for him and blames me for "breaking up her family" because I won't have the sorry excuse for a human in my home (He called me a lot of fucking names in front of my then 3yo and only left when I pulled my phone out and threatened to call the police). He's in jail again at the moment - another break of AVO/good behaviour bond.

So she got annoyed at another WOMAN for not putting up with her useless son, rather than her son. Well done for standing up for her.

Perfectly1mperfect · 06/10/2017 13:47

Iris65

Do you really live like that ? Calculating every second of your time that you spend doing something for someone else. They are your family ! A few extra washes and cutting up a few more veg for dinner etc really wouldn't take long. And he can wash and cook too as he hasn't said he expects his mother to be his housekeeper, that's just what she is conveniently assuming. So that would mean she gets nights not cooking etc.

If you don't want your adult child living with you, tell them that. But you have to accept that there are consequences of that for the future.

scaryteacher · 06/10/2017 13:50

Perfectly You will understandExistentials point when yours go, believe me. Ds is rapidly approaching 22, can do his shopping, cooking and laundry at university, but somehow reverts to manchild when home, and loses the ability to do these things as if by magic.

He thinks he should unstack the dishwasher in his own sweet time, as opposed to when I need it empty to restack, so I end up doing it. He wants to loaf in bed all day, having been up playing on the PS4 til stupid o'clock, as opposed to helping me out; he likes clean trousers every day so the washing increases; he goes through bread, milk, peanut butter and cheddar like nothing on earth, and I have to bring these back from the UK as they costs a bomb here. He wanders around with frigging earphones in all day when he's vertical, so you have to wave your hand in front of his face to get his attention. When called on this, he sometimes trots out the 'but I'm an adult' line. He gets told to start acting like one.

It's a totally different dynamic when they've effectively left home, than when they are under 18. I can appreciate totally where the OP is coming from.

MinervaSaidThat · 06/10/2017 13:51

kateandme

but no sometimes it is those closest who miss some big things and can take a good friend or doc orother to just trigger in is something we haven't automatically seen in our dcs because we are that close.

But you are neither the OP's or her son's good friend or a doc. You are a random on the internet claiming to know OP's son better than she does.

existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 13:52

If you don't want your adult child living with you, tell them that. But you have to accept that there are consequences of that for the future

I would hope the consequence would be that they turn into a fully rounded adult. I presume you are thinking of dire threats of them leaving you alone in your old age unless you baby them for life. That;s sad for you and a shame that you haven't raised them better than that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/10/2017 13:53

Minerva - yes. I effectively got told I should put up and shut up rather than rock the boat. :(
Sadly, I didn't agree with that.

Perfectly1mperfect · 06/10/2017 13:56

scaryteacher

Please don't try to patronise me by saying I will understand one day. I will never be like the OP and will never think that way. I have seen the problems caused by making adult children feel like they are not welcome in the family home so that will never be something my children are made to feel. If you teach your children to be respectful, they will not expect you to be their housekeeper.

Ropsleybunny · 06/10/2017 13:59

Perfectly you take the biscuit for being patronising. We all want our children to feel welcome but none of us want adult children to take the piss.

Perfectly1mperfect · 06/10/2017 14:01

existentialmoment

No, that's not what I meant, nothing to do with threats etc. I mean it puts a 'distance' between parent and child. They will have felt like they belonged and then realise they no longer do. You won't get that closeness back ever.

And I have raised my children very well, but thanks for your concern. 😂