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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban son from moving back in?

471 replies

Boxset67 · 05/10/2017 21:08

I'm married with three sons 24, 21 and 18. All three have left home (youngest to uni last month) and I have to say we are enjoying life as a married couple despite the nest being empty! The eldest has lived away from home since he started uni, and has this week decided he is going to apply for a job close to us, and move back in to save money! I should add he hasn't asked, he's just decided he will be better off financially, and is expecting us to welcome him with open arms! Quite honestly, I'm horrified at the prospect. I don't want to go back to doing his laundry or taking another person into account when deciding what to cook for dinner. On top of that we do clash quite a lot (get on better since he moved out!) and he's very untidy. I can see it working, and I don't think for one minute he will save money, just spend more on going out and going on holiday! AIBU?

OP posts:
existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 10:37

My children will always be my children even as adults (one of them already is an adult)
Same for everyone here.

My home will always be her home

Bully for you. But why do you think everyone else should feel the same?

kateandme · 06/10/2017 10:37

I wont be able to post proper because my words will be lost amongst a sea of others who are better vocab equipt thatn me.
but wow. for your son to move back to be a lazy greedy slob like you picture him he must be a real f*. and I don't believe this to be so.
there must be a reason he wants to come back surely not just to have mum and dad pay his way again.i cant think a child brought up via the rule you clearly think applicable would be like this.i could be wrong
and I fear now what my parents would think of me if I ever had to come home.is this how parents think!because I don't believe I ever could.sorry.

llangennith · 06/10/2017 10:40

Explain to DS that while you'll always be there for him in an emergency you and his father have enjoyed having the house to yourselves and so it's not an option. He needs to think again.

MinervaSaidThat · 06/10/2017 10:42

perfectly1mperfect

You don't sound very nice OP. You said you are horrified at the thought of living with your son. That's a horrible thing to say. As for laundry and dinner, I just don't see a problem. I think your son would be hurt if he read this thread. You don't come across as a nice person. I actually found your posts shocking to read. They made me quite sad.

You don't see a problem with OP cooking and doing laundry for her adult son? You're right, you are sad.

scaryteacher · 06/10/2017 10:42

Bornfree I agree with the OP, and I love my lad to bits. I wouldn't expect my Mum to have me to live with her, and my family home was sold when my parents divorced 26 years ago. Many youngsters are married with kids at 24, not wanting to move home with their parents. The OPs son needs to learn to cut his cloth.

I would also point out that like me, the OP may be planning for maybe having to house and care for elderly parents. If she has some time with her dh between her kids leaving and perhaps caring for frail underlies, why shouldn't she enjoy it? I didn't realise that when I gave birth I ceased to be an individual with dreams, goals and desires of my own.

kateandme · 06/10/2017 10:48

would it make a difference if he was going to come live but you wouldn't do his laundry.or in the years sicne you live together hes grown up and changed how he lives enormously.
so hed cook clean and do his own stuff.just be more of a boarder?

AnotherShirtRuined · 06/10/2017 10:49

kateandme As a parent I want my children to be happy and successful human beings. This includes being able to support and look after themselves and not expect others to pay their way forever or do boring stuff for them (washing, cooking, cleaning). I will always welcome them with open arms for a visit or, indeed, an extended stay if they need it (including unemployment, saving for a deposit, etc.). Again, the OP's son does not need it but simply wants fewer outgoings to fund more nights out and the like at his parents' expense.

Also I am quite sure the OP is perfectly capable of determining any 'hidden' reasons for her son's desire to return to his childhood home after s-i-x years (depression, etc.) as hinted by PPs.

MinervaSaidThat · 06/10/2017 10:49

kateandme

and I don't believe this to be so.

Yes, because you know OP's son better than she does. Hmm

This thread seems to be overrun with Generation Y twats.

Crispsheets · 06/10/2017 10:53

I don't expect my children to look after me in later life. Cant believe some of you do

Enko · 06/10/2017 10:55

My oldest has just gone to university and I had a conversation with her a bit like this

" You can always come back home there will always be a space for you with dad and I as we love you. That however doesn't mean I WANT you to come home I want you go live a adult independent life. However if you ever need to you can ALWAYS come home."

That is the issue here so many doesn't see. Ops DS doesn't "need" to come home. He just fancies it for a easier life. He isn't saving up for a deposit, he isn't in a tough spot, he is not in-between jobs, not returning from overseas. He just doesn't fancy being an adult anymore.

As a parent it is my job to teach my children that you can't run away from responsibilities. To me its time for OP to teach her son just that. This can be by stating " this is the ground rules if they are not adhered to there will be additional cost" or it can be by stating " actually no your not returning ti love here"
Has to be ops decision what one she and her dh choose to go with.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/10/2017 10:56

Thinking about it, my friend has her 37 year old son and his girlfriend live with her. They all seem to get on really well: sometimes hang out together, often do their own thing (she has loads of friends and a busy life). I don't think multi generational living arrangements have to be some horrendous, co dependent, Oedipal tragedy. In some cultures it's really common to live like this.

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 06/10/2017 10:56

Look at this another way, how many posters say they hate going home at xmas because they revert back - or are cast back into that old family role.

Their dp still see them as that feckless youth or whatever the issue was?

Men who may be Judges now are still treated like little boys, women who have several dc and run their own company are still accused of being lazy.

What if op is one of these entrenched DP who cannot see that her son maybe a different person now who is self sufficient, who has decided to move forward in life he needs to move home? He feels his relationship with his dp is such that he can just do this.

How would he feel to read op talking about him like this if he has actually grown up? I totally agree op has a right to enjoy these precious years of freedom, but op hasn't exactly phrased things like that.

Mittens1969 · 06/10/2017 10:56

It does appear very cheeky on his part to want to move back in after 6 years of living independently. I wouldn’t want agree to this with my DDs unless there was a real need, but then I would be in my 60s by then and past that stage of my life lol (comes of being an older mum).

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 06/10/2017 10:57
  • He just fancies it for a easier life

this is ops judgment. Is it true?

Ellybellyboo · 06/10/2017 10:58

If dont, fine, it happens but dont expect to be included once you are elderly, have nothing to do and want to be around your gc all the time.

That's just silly. My parents wouldn't let me move back in just because I wanted extra disposable income to spend on clothes and holidays.

They'd be there like a shot if I needed them - for example, my brother and SiL have moved back in for a few weeks due to house sale/purchase timings, but they'd send us away with large fleas in our ears if we suggested what the OP's son is.

We don't hold it against them, they love us, we love them

I wouldn't expect my children to care for me in old age anyway, that's not fair

existentialmoment · 06/10/2017 10:58

What if op is one of these entrenched DP who cannot see that her son maybe a different person now who is self sufficient

She (unlike you) can see that since he has announced he was moving back home he is neither self sufficient or behaving like an adult.

MehMehAndMeh · 06/10/2017 10:59

Some really bizarre views here.
The OP has stated she would not hesitate to have her son move back if he had fallen on hard times or was not coping. However, he has not asked her, he has informed her he is planning on this and is doing so, not to save for his future but to enable him to continue to pursue his aspirational life style. It is this attitude that has her wondering if he will expect the full cooking and cleaning package for no/minimal outlay.
If the op was this man's partner instead of mother and presented a thread saying my boyfriend wants to give up his flat and move back home so he can spend more, there would be a raft of posters stating she should kick the man child into touch.

Our job as parents is to raise children (where possible) who are capable of taking care of themselves and when the time comes their own families. We pick them up and dust them off when that fall over, but we don't hold them back or allow them to hold themselves back when they are ready for and capable of more. That is counterproductive and detrimental to their development and well being.

Posters claiming the op is a horrible person seem to be taking the view that she is cutting her child off. He hasn't faltered, he is independent (has been for some time) and is well capable of remaining so.

It isn't playing favourites, her other children while adult are not yet in a position to be independent. This one is.

There is no comparison to a younger child and their needs either. A 24 year old does not need breast feeding to supply their nutrition, nor do they need settling should they wake at night. Their emotional and physical needs are different now they are an adult and some posters here do not seem to be able to take that into accoung

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 06/10/2017 10:59

I don't think multi generational living arrangements have to be some horrendous, co dependent, Oedipal tragedy. In some cultures it's really common to live like this

Of course not, I suppose people think of their own relationships with their dp. It doesnt always have to be a sad case of a child who has never grown their wings!

MehMehAndMeh · 06/10/2017 10:59

*account

TheGuffalo · 06/10/2017 11:02

Of course yanbu. I do wonder how many of these martyrs to the parenting cause would move back in with their parents today as the rent was cheaper. Hmm

Enko · 06/10/2017 11:02

this is ops judgment. Is it true?

I would say absolutely considering the fact her ds has not yet actually had the manners to ask if this is ok. Again not taking responsibilities and dealing with them. In my eyes at least.

DD when she comes home from university asks every time " can you pick me up or do I need to take the train" (sometimes we collect her in a train station 30 mins away - if we cant she has a 40 min wait) She never expects us to do so and if we say " sorry can't today" she is " Ok that's fine I will take the train" She is being responsible. Why should a 24 year old not be?

LittleLionMansMummy · 06/10/2017 11:07

I'd probably let him move back in but there's no way I'd be doing his washing and cooking for him. He's a grown man who shouldn't need his mummy to do those things for him. And he'd pay rent.

I've moved back into my parents' before (probably around the same age tbh) but only short term and after relationships broke down. I love my parents dearly and I'm very close to them, but it's not an ideal situation. Men and women in their 20s need to go and live a little. You can't do that still living at home. But I'd never say 'no' flat outright to them coming back for a period of time (would probably say 'until you get on your feet' and give them an idea of time!)

Bornfreebutinbiscuits · 06/10/2017 11:09

I would say absolutely considering the fact her ds has not yet actually had the manners to ask if this is ok

maybe because he unwittingly feels comfortable to do so? isn't that a nice thing? Maybe whatever has suddenly after so long made him want to go home has consumed his thoughts and he just isnt thinking? if they gently said - we want our own space etc maybe he would think - oh goodness yes....sorry! can i come back!

DD when she comes home from university asks every time " can you pick me up or do I need to take the train" (sometimes we collect her in a train station 30 mins away - if we cant she has a 40 min wait

a little different to this situation I think.

mrsmuddlepies · 06/10/2017 11:09

Ultimately your house, you can do what you want.The fact that you are asking strangers on the internet suggests you have some doubts. I second other posters about charging rent and putting the money into a bank account to use as a deposit on a house after a couple of years.
Perhaps you need to get a full time job so he takes your work seriously and no longer sees you as the Mum figure looking after everyone.

justilou1 · 06/10/2017 11:10

Simply make his board, food, bills and extra services (laundry, shopping, cleaning, etc) more expensive than where he's currently residing. He will change his tune pretty quickly.