To be scared about this ex-colleagues message to me?

[Fosterdog123]

Ex-colleague. Both left company earlier this year. Worked with him for about 4 years on various projects. Always professional but I knew he was fond of me. Maintained contact outside work but totally platonically (he's married with children and I've been with someone for 12 years). Saw each other in a group a couple of times and went out for lunch once. He drove. In the car when he was dropping me off, he kind of lunged at me and gave me a big hug. I felt very awkward and he'd totally overstepped the mark and he knew he had. Since then, he's text a lot. I responded benignly at first, saying I was busy. More recently, I didn't text back or pick up his calls. I then blocked his number but a voicemail has just come through from him. It says, "if you don't pick up my calls, you know I'm going to come round don't you and you know what that means don't you. You can run but you can't hide". What would you do?

Dragon - so by going for lunch with an ex-colleague, I am asking to be harassed and threatened? Is that what you're saying?

mumof06darlings he is not a friend, he is an ex collegaue who fancies her. He knows she is in a relationship, as is he, and he knows she did not reciprocate his hug'. It is completely different to a same sex friend and no, personally, I would not send a you can't hide text to a friend who was dodging my calls either.

DragonLips "You say you know he has always been fond of you yet you went for a meal with him. Was that not leading him on? Why did you not shut him down earlier maybe 3 years ago?" We don't know when the OP became aware that he liked her and anyway, the decision to go out for a meal could have been for many reasons.

"Calling police may be overreaction that would have huge implications for his home life." And his text is not having repercussions for the OP?

"You must have been friends on some level." I've had meals with colleagues, I wouldn't assume they were all friends.

"You need to make it clear you are just friends. Something you should have done years ago." They are not friends, they had a very simple ex-collegaue relationship until he over-stepped the mark and now they are not even acquaintances.

OP I can't advise anything, if you are not happy with the police response you could try again ans speak to someone different. If the professional advice is to give a message then can you get advice on what to say? I mean exact wording that makes things very clear.

OP please, please read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. It tells you how to deal with people like this.

Telling this man he is not to contact you is a response in itself and unfortunately a response of any kind from you is what he wants. He will not listen to the words. He'll just say: "Fosterdog is talking to me. I knew she would."

You have done nothing wrong. You don't deserve this. Don't listen to anyone who says you should have done this or that. Normal, healthy, decent men do not behave like this.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Don't hesitate to call the police if you need to. Take care.

Calling police may be overreaction that would have huge implications for his home life.

Calling the Police and them actually having a word with him, and letting him know that this is unacceptable will be better for his "home life" than him actually following through on his threat to the OP!

His threatening messaging is actually, right now, having huge implications for the OP's home life. She's scared, has contacted the Police, got a friend round, is too frightened to sleep, in her own home where she should be able to feel safe, and is making plans to stay elsewhere for a couple of nights.

Will people stop making excuses for this man and minimising his behaviour?! He is quite deliberately doing this, at the very least, to unsettle the OP.

She says that he is an intelligent, articulate man who works in a senior position. He knows full well that his attentions are not welcomed by the OP.

Women are damned if we do and damned if we don't. A direct unambiguous rejection can lead to verbal or physical violence, and indirect rejection - which the OP has used - can lead to verbal and physical violence and has already led, in this case, to intimidation and threat of violence.

You say you know he has always been fond of you yet you went for a meal with him. Was that not leading him on?

Did I just actually read this?

I don't see why you should have to contact him at all.

If he sends threatening messages, he is being threatening. It wouldn't matter even if you were best buddies before that, he's still being threatening.

As already said, responding will let him know that a voicemail gets through, even tho his number is blocked. Don't let him know that.

I suggest going to a police station to report this, as you want a record of it just in case anything else does happen.
They can then hear the phone message and write it down.

Not going now to the police station, btw. Do that in the daytime.

You have done nothing wrong. You don't deserve this. Don't listen to anyone who says you should have done this or that

This, x 100

Will people stop making excuses for this man and minimising his behaviour?! He is quite deliberately doing this, at the very least, to unsettle the OP

Absolutely right. I'm aghast at some of the responses on this thread.

OP, I think staying with a friend is a good idea, simply for your immediate peace of mind. I have no idea how anyone could read his message to you and make excuses for him. He intended to frighten you, and that places him outside of normal boundaries (which he has already breached).

God knows where some people on this thread would draw the line. Please let us know how you are over the next day or so.

I'm scared of sending a blunt message incase it escalates things. If this makes me a wuss then so be it. I am a strident feminist and hate that I'm even going to suggest this but here goes.....Does anyone think this type of message is a better idea? Ex-colleague. My OH has gone absolutely mad about these texts, calls and now threatening to come round. Don't under any circumstances come round and please stop texting etc.

I hate that it takes a threat from another man to stop a man behaving in this way but if it makes him stop all this without getting angry at me, is that such a bad thing?

If I don't respond at all, he WILL come round. I don't want to respond and I'm with everyone who's saying that it's not the right course of action to take but if I just ignore it, he's going to turn up at some point soon.

Ex-colleague. My OH has gone absolutely mad about these texts, calls and now threatening to come round. Don't under any circumstances come round and please stop texting etc.

He may read that as you want to speak to him but your OH is stopping it.

Ignore him. If he shows up, call the police.

If he doesn't show up, head to your local station tomorrow and report him. You need to log this, OP.

I think you should phone the Police again, and tell them that you are afraid that a blunt message, or indeed any message from you, may escalate things. And that you are currently frightened in your own home and believe that he may come round.

I don't think you should contact him at all, but if you do send a message then I would say simply that you have advised the Police of the situation.

Phone the Police again before you do anything else.

Do you have a friend with you just now?

I personally wouldn't put please in a text, it's not a polite request, it's an order. Also, If you say that your OH has gone mad, he could (this is a long shot) interpret that as the fact you want to see him, it's just that your OH doesn't want you seeing him.

I'd just do simple.

Do not text again. Do not come round. Do not contact me in any way.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. The feminist in me hates that type of approach as well, but I completely understand that you just want to stop this situation escalating and are prepared to do what you ordinarily wouldn't consider. The risk is that he will wilfully twist that type of message as 'FosterDog's bloke is stopping her from seeing me,' and not dissuade him from the view that he has some right to access to you. As in, it's not YOU who doesn't want to see him.

Other posters may have a different view, and sorry if that doesn't help.

Just to touch on this, and sorry if you've already dealt with this upthread, but IF he came round, what is your security situation like? Is it a house, flat, etc.

I agree with pp, if you do send a message do not mention your OH, and don't mention any emotional reaction.

No response is the best response, but I understand your fears about doing nothing. I'm here looking at your words on a screen, and I feel anxious, so how must you feel!

x-post with other posters...

Send the text saying don't contact me again or I will report this to police. That's all. Don't bring partner into it. I honestly don't think it'll help. Just keep it simple.

You are not a wuss. I would be terrified too. Please don't respond to him in any way. It's like feeding a troll except this is feeding a stalker. He wants you to reply. Then he'll reply himself.

Anything that would stop him is absolutely fair game but any contact with you is just fuel for whatever is going on in his head.

Do please read that book. I passed my copy on to my DD because I felt it should be required reading for all women.

Go back to the police tomorrow. Call them tonight if you need to.

Take care. No one should have to endure this.

Friend has gone home.

Yes, I did think he might read it that way. I also don't know why I included the word please, as I wouldn't have actually put that, for the reason you state pimmsy.

I'm not calling the police again. I'm going to sleep on it (if I can!) and see how I feel in the morning. I want no contact with him at all and don't want to send a text of any kind to him. I just don't want a scenario of me going to/from the house and meeting him face to face on my driveway and having to have a conversation with him or any kind of dialogue. I'd be scared and shakey and I wouldn't want him to see me like that.

Do you have someone with you?
Is your house securely locked up?
You know that contacting him is the wrong thing to do.

If he arrives, phone 999 immediately. It is very far from normal for him to turn up in the middle of the night, so it's definitely an emergency matter if he does that.
I very much hope he doesn't.

I'd be inclined to say "Do not contact me. Your threats have been reported to the police" Why do you think he would disregard that?

Ex-colleague. My OH has gone absolutely mad about these texts, calls and now threatening to come round. Don't under any circumstances come round and please stop texting etc.

Absolutely no to this text it implies you are happy for contact but your OH is stopping things!

Op if you aren’t happy with the advice from 101 then do go to the station tomorrow and ask to speak with someone about the situation! You shouldn’t do anything that makes you feel even more unsafe than you do know, but please do talk to a professional, either police officer or lawyer! Do not ignore and trust/hope that if he contacts you again the police will act. If you do not follow the advice they will not act! By all means play them the voicemail and get a second opinion but do not send that text and do not do nothing!

Hello OP, I'm so sorry that you are going through this, I have been through similar.
Someone suggested a way back up the thread to contact the Suzy Lamplugh Trust.
It is a really good suggestion, particularly as you have called 101 already.
The SL Trust runs a National Stalking helpline. They are lovely people and will support you and advise.
The phone line is open at 9.30 am and please give them a call. They will take your concerns seriously.
Here is the link again.
www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/Category/national-stalking-helpline

Keep posting on here for support also as it is good to feel that people are listening and we care. x

I live in a house, quiet area, good (retired, vigilant) neighbours. Good external and internal security on property. Would feel better if I still had my very aggressive dog here with me but sadly I don't! Rationally, I know he can't get in, even if he did turn up (well, unless he's a crack burglar too) but i still feel jittery. Am out all day tomorrow though and can be for the rest of the week and then OH is here at the weekend.