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Original poster

Close friends and marriage break-up

246 replies

NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 15:15

As you can see from my username I've name changed for this as one of the individuals is on MN.

Two weeks ago a very good friend of mine started divorce proceedings. Her H and I are actually very good friends too and I've known for about a year that she wanted out. He had no idea (though I doubt the veracity of that because who in a marriage doesn't know when it's not going well?)

So anyway, her H and I are going to a wedding in Florence in a week's time for another one of our friend's wedding and we've been planning this over Facebook and WhatsApp messages - amongst our messages he'd write about what's going on with his wife and other things.

It would now appear that I am one of the reasons that she wants to divorce him. I introduced them to each other 10+ years ago and tbh there's never been an issue with our friendship. I've had quite a few boyfriends/dates over the years which I always regaled them with and when I was in a relationship we'd often do things as a 4-some so didn't see the issue.

My friend (the wife) now thinks that actually her husband has become too attached to me and has told our other friends that I too are to blame for the downfall of their marriage.

I just don't understand this. It makes fuck-all sense to me. Surely if we had wanted to be together we've had the best part of 10 years to do so - why would I have suddenly fallen in love with her husband in the past few weeks!?

He and I talk most days and as I said we've always been close and confided in each other but I'm not a home-wrecker.

OP posts:
rightnowimpissed · 04/10/2017 12:04

Hahahahaha 27Feb your so right its actually sad that people feel the need to control their OH.

OP, the wife has sensationalised a very ordinary situation, perhaps to her own end. My advise don't shy away at all you go with your head held high and enjoy the wedding and any other things going on, don't let her insecurities dampen your life, you have done nothing wrong.

Roomster101 · 04/10/2017 12:23

Well unlike you I don't base the depth of friendship on what is between my friends' legs. You clearly do, so maybe we should just accept that we are different....

I don't base the "depth" of my friendships on what is between someone's legs. I just respect people's partners and relationships. If a male friend is in a relationship, I certainly wouldn't text them every day or discuss their relationship issues as understandably most women wouldn't like that!

Chattymummyhere · 04/10/2017 12:29

27

We all have things that people do that make no sense to others.

I'm a type 1 person. I don't understand people who need to be constantly involved in everyone else's lives/plans. Most of my friends are the same since people tend to be in the company of those with the same ideals. I last spoke to my brother months ago but he knows where I am if he needs me and I know I can go to him if I need him.

Some members of dh's are the same others are the type who need to know every little thing. Like Mil wanting to FaceTime the kids every single bloody night while on holiday Hmm

TrickOrRuddyTreat · 04/10/2017 12:38

The previous poster who said you never know what goes on in other people's relationships is right, maybe there are insecurities you are unaware of. To give you an example, my DP has certain insecurities regarding our relationship and when I became friends with a male work colleague a few years ago these insecurities reared their head quite badly. DP felt uneasy because there is a large age gap between us but virtually none between me and colleague and also, on paper, colleague and I appear to have more in common than DP and I. DP admitted the friendship made him uncomfortable and he acknowledged it was because of his own feelings, not my behaviour, but he couldn't help how he felt. It was a difficult situation but ultimately the friendship wasn't worth hurting DP and friend/colleague and I drifted apart after I left that job.

If the friendship had pre-dated my relationship with DP I'm not sure how I would've handled it but I can see that if your friend thinks you and her DH have a connection she has never been able to have with him, despite their marriage, I can see why that would hurt her. Obviously it's not your fault and she shouldn't be suggesting to mutual friends that you're a marriage wrecker, but maybe you have come to symbolise what is wrong with their relationship.

In reality if you want to try and stay friends with her you need to completely walk away from the friendship with her DH. Even then there is no guarantee she will want to resume your friendship.

Personally I would continue the friendship with the DH as it has always been and ride out the gossip storm - I think she is lost to you but your friendship with him is saveable.

Crescend0 · 04/10/2017 12:45

I do not fell the need to control my DH at all. He employs hundreds of women, probably comes into contact with other women when he does some of his hobbies maybe, whatever. But he would not go out for a drink with a female on his own, even someone else's wife. If I found out he was discussing me with another woman, I would feel like it was the slippery slope for sure.

We have loads of friends around us, admittedly mostly in couples / married these days. As I said, every time I've had a "friendship" with a man when I was younger there is always the undercurrent of sexual tension or it gets to the point where it feels as if it detracts from any romantic relationship you might be in or seeking to get into. It's unfortunate, but that's how it goes.

OP, when you say you thought you would be a good person for the wife to talk to because you know her DH so well, can you not see how patronising and irritating that would be to her? Not to mention presumptuous in your part. This is the man she's been having sex with for 10 years, yet you seem to set great store by the fact that you knew him before her and introduced them? So what?

If a woman was over-invested in my life or DH, I could spot her from a mile off. It's usually obvious.

That you are posting on here and inviting more speculation on this issue says it all. You are wondering if he has been secretly in love with you all these years, or if he has suddenly "seen the light". Maybe the idea is confusing to you, maybe it's flattering, maybe you enjoy the attention, only you know. Howvever, the very fact you are now wondering about him, after 10 years, just proves my point above - that pretending opposite-sex relationships are purely platonic is usually a load of bollox, especially when one or both are supposed to be married.

milliemolliemou · 04/10/2017 12:58

Forget the OP's friend's wife sussing this - think Daily Mail, people. I'd be surprised if all the identifying details don't lead the wife to realize it's all going out on MN and DM.

Unless OP has been really canny and it's Barbados. Not Florence, Venice, Pisa or even Europe.

27Feb · 04/10/2017 13:13

Chattymummyhere - oh definitely, if it works for you and your partner then more power to you! And I think you're right about us clustering together with people of our 'type' - I really don't know any type 2 people in real life, for example, and only know a couple of type 1 through family etc. I'm definitely a big social web of people kind of girl.

Which I think makes these conversations even harder, with one side claiming all kinds of awful things about the OP and the other probably thinking not super charitable thoughts too. When really we're just different.

27Feb · 04/10/2017 13:14
27Feb · 04/10/2017 13:21

Crescend0 - genuine question - how do non-straight people figure into this? Do you believe gay men can't be friends with other men? Or gay women can't be friends with other women? Can bisexual people have friends at all?

Not being sarky. I actually don't know how that fits into your logic.

Crescend0 · 04/10/2017 13:23

I think it's probably a maturity thing as well in that once you have kids you just don't have time to maintain these one-on-one male "friendships", let alone get involved in the drama of someone else's marriage break-up. There is just no time and no need.

27Feb · 04/10/2017 13:31

Crescend0 - ummm....queer people have kids too. And I think childfree people can be mature as well. And people with kids have friendships. I do, at any rate.

And the question still stands. How do non-straight people fit into your world?

Crescend0 · 04/10/2017 13:33

27Feb - I really can't answer that question. It is interesting though. I suppose for me, as a straight woman, I never have to second- guess my female friendships. My female friends have a part in my life that is distinct from men, it's much less volatile and intense. With men, I always feel more on guard. It's hard to describe, it's just very different. I behave differently with men than women and I'm aware of this. I think men behave differently around me than they would with male friends.

27Feb · 04/10/2017 13:40

Crescend0 - see, as a bisexual woman, I've never had that. I mean, in general, I've had volatile and intense friendships with both sexes and very stable and secure long term friendships with both sexes.

I wonder if maybe it's a self fulfilling prophecy? You say you're always on guard, always behaving differently around men, so you can't build the kind of normal relationships with them that would let you learn to relax maybe? Or perhaps you are just far sexier and have a far higher sex drive than me and so generate a lot more chemistry with the men you meet! Grin

Crescend0 · 04/10/2017 13:42

Sorry to answer your question 27 - I think if you know sexual chemistry is out of the equation, things are more straightforward in general! So yes, for me it would be easier to have a friendship with a gay man than a straight man. I suppose, with gay women, I just presume they're not interested in me because it wouldn't be reciprocated. Tbh, I'm not attracted to the majority of men, but there is just a different dynamic with straight men that I am aware of.

Original poster
NameChangedForThisIssue · 04/10/2017 13:46

Crescend0 Come off it! You've entirely mis-interpreted my position. Wilfully so I'd suggest. I'm posting to try to understand something that I don't. I have actually learned a lot and seen that yes my friendship with him over the years might have actually made her feel insecure and tbh that's not something that's occurred to me over the past 10 years. But even so there are so many holes in the whole thing. We haven't been living in each other's pockets for all that time. He's a man I met and became friends with. Nothing more than that. If I was so obsessed with him I'm sure some of our other friends would have pointed this out rather sooner than the time his wife conveniently decided to start divorce proceedings. Hmm

OP posts:
27Feb · 04/10/2017 13:49

Crescend0 - But I guess you do acknowledge that's maybe your experience? Not universal? In that I presume you don't think I shouldn't hang out with anyone because I could, in theory, be attracted to them?

I'm not really saying your way is bad - totally set your own boundaries. Just that I think it's maybe not the same for everyone, because it can't be. And if queer people are able to manage friendships with people of the gender they are attracted to, why can't some straight people?

pandarific · 04/10/2017 13:58

Type 3 here too (also somewhat bi but married to a man).

One of the worst things about the patriarchy is that by setting women up to compete with each other for respect and attention from men, it undermines friendships between women and women (can't trust them, after your man) and women and men (can't be friends, after your man). So it makes everyone miserable. Sad

Hermagsjesty · 04/10/2017 14:07

27 - that is such an insightful post about the 3 groups. I am definitely in the first group (but my DH is, I think, more of a type 3 - which is actually a bit of a breakthrough thought for me, so thanks!)

Back on topic of the OP - I do wonder if there's an element of your friend feeling hurt/ betrayed that you've 'chosen'/ sided with her DH over her... Maybe she's jealous not romantically but because she misses your friendship/ feels she's losing you to him... I'm not saying that's right but she's probably having all kinds of mixed up confusing feelings right now and is maybe not thinking properly...

Roomster101 · 04/10/2017 14:14

I'm not on "my guard" with male friends but I do think there is a different dynamic to my friendships with female friends. That isn't because I don't think such a relationship can be platonic but just that I know from experience it often isn't, at least on one side. I would have thought differently when I was in my 20s but now that seems quite naive. Regardless, to me it seems quite disrespectful to be constantly texting a male friend if he has a partner and discussing relationship issues seems even worse.

YoureAnArseholeDenise · 04/10/2017 14:15

You’ve done nothing wrong op.

27Feb · 04/10/2017 14:19

Roomster101 - since I have asked other posters this - how do non-straight people fit into that equation? Do you not hang out with lesbians? Do you think bisexual people shouldn't have friends at all?

Crescend0 · 04/10/2017 14:24

27 I accept what you're saying. I think I've just always been quite aware about not wanting to give off the wrong impression to men because in general for me, trying to be "just friends" with men been more hassle than it's worth.

Namechange - I don't know the full circumstances and apologies for sounding critical, I just think you should leave them both to it.

27Feb · 04/10/2017 14:27

Crescend0 - thank you so much for listening. Smile I actually really appreciate that.

Oh, and thank you for the kind words Hermagsjesty.

Papafran · 04/10/2017 14:32

I think it's probably a maturity thing as well in that once you have kids you just don't have time to maintain these one-on-one male "friendships", let alone get involved in the drama of someone else's marriage break-up. There is just no time and no need

Does maturity only come from having children? Can women who have children still have female friends or does that not have anything to do with maturity? Can a woman going through a marriage breakdown confide in female friends about how hard she is finding it? (I am learning so much about life).

Oly5 · 04/10/2017 14:37

Of course you're not to blame and it's fine to have close male friends ffs.
Just tell her you're nothing to do with it and stay out of it

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