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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Close friends and marriage break-up

246 replies

NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 15:15

As you can see from my username I've name changed for this as one of the individuals is on MN.

Two weeks ago a very good friend of mine started divorce proceedings. Her H and I are actually very good friends too and I've known for about a year that she wanted out. He had no idea (though I doubt the veracity of that because who in a marriage doesn't know when it's not going well?)

So anyway, her H and I are going to a wedding in Florence in a week's time for another one of our friend's wedding and we've been planning this over Facebook and WhatsApp messages - amongst our messages he'd write about what's going on with his wife and other things.

It would now appear that I am one of the reasons that she wants to divorce him. I introduced them to each other 10+ years ago and tbh there's never been an issue with our friendship. I've had quite a few boyfriends/dates over the years which I always regaled them with and when I was in a relationship we'd often do things as a 4-some so didn't see the issue.

My friend (the wife) now thinks that actually her husband has become too attached to me and has told our other friends that I too are to blame for the downfall of their marriage.

I just don't understand this. It makes fuck-all sense to me. Surely if we had wanted to be together we've had the best part of 10 years to do so - why would I have suddenly fallen in love with her husband in the past few weeks!?

He and I talk most days and as I said we've always been close and confided in each other but I'm not a home-wrecker.

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/10/2017 18:09

Roomster101

But very few seem to have an issue with the wife talking to the OP about her wanting to break up the marriage.

Roomster101 · 04/10/2017 18:13

What, out of respect for a woman who has slated the OP behind her back and accused her of being a homewrecker? Screw that.

My understanding is that she has only just found that out though. Prior to this she considered the wife to be a close friend but was still communicating with the DH about his relationship breakdown.

Roomster101 · 04/10/2017 18:15

But very few seem to have an issue with the wife talking to the OP about her wanting to break up the marriage.

I wouldn't talk/discuss relationship issues with either person and expect to stay friends with the other.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/10/2017 18:21

pandarific

It may well be that because the op was going she didn’t wish to.

Granted if I had those sorts of concerns I would address them with the person I was involved with but a lot of people don’t and one would guess not many of them would relish being in a situation where they have to watch the two people they have a perceived issue about together. I would guess that if you are inclined to that belief it can blow out of proportion

papa outside of suggesting someone talk to their spouse I wouldn’t involve myself with verbally trashing a friends marrige male or female. Nothing to do with respect but it’s a boundary that is safest not crossed, it’s an uncomfortable situation to be in unless you are very diplomatic because if they resolve the issue you often turn into the devil for agreeing with them if they say something a bit near the knuckle and not agreeing can backfire during emotional situations

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/10/2017 18:22

But very few seem to have an issue with the wife talking to the OP about her wanting to break up the marriage

Who knows what would be said if the wife posted.the op is posting about herself

pandarific · 04/10/2017 18:28

Roomster101

Could I ask why? I’m not being combative, just seeking to understand your perspective - if I were breaking up with my H and it turned out he’d been speaking to a mutual friend about the relationship when we were breaking up, I wouldn’t be happy about it because it would make me feel exposed and paranoid I was coming off badly to mutual friend.

However shitty I’d feel about it though, surely he has the right to talk to his close friend about it and how he’s feeling? And surely I’d have the same right? And why would I then feel the mutual friend had done something wrong by providing a listening ear, as good friends do? I think I might feel upset that my ex had ‘claimed’ those friends somehow, but I can only see myself being upset with imaginary ex partner in that case, and even then, it’s not very fair as people can surely speak to whoever they like? I don’t get why you’d feel angry with the mutual friend, it seems a misdirection of anger - like what’s happening to the op.

Papafran · 04/10/2017 18:31

motherinferior

pandarific · 04/10/2017 18:33

Roomster to clarify, I was asking about where you said I wouldn't talk/discuss relationship issues with either person and expect to stay friends with the other.

Roomster101 · 04/10/2017 18:42

pandarific Obviously people can speak to whoever they like- there is no law against it. However, my perspective is that if you get involved in someone's relationship by discussing their issues with them then you will be seen to be taking their side over the partners whether or not you feel like that yourself. You can't expect the other "friend" to feel you are a good friend if you have done that. Furthermore, if they get back together again then you will lose the friendship of both partners.

pandarific · 04/10/2017 18:45

NeedsAsockamnesty that’s certainly possible. What we keep coming back to though is whether the op’s at fault in any way, and as this is the first she’s ever heard of her female friend feeling jealous of the relationship, she just can’t be made responsible for it if a) she didn’t know that female friend felt that way and b) there’s been no odd behaviour, which op says there hasn’t been (wedding doesn’t count imo as all were invited, frequent messaging only happening last 2 weeks since marriage breakup, before that normal level)

GiantSteps · 04/10/2017 18:59

The issue the wife NOW has with the op going alone with the H is unfair on the op. She's perhaps understandably not being the most rational - her marriage is failing, she's lashing out and apportioning blame where it doesn't lay. It's a crappy situation, but 10,000% not the op's fault.

How some posters keep refusing to see this is beyond me!

GiantSteps · 04/10/2017 19:09

if you get involved in someone's relationship by discussing their issues with them then you will be seen to be taking their side over the partners whether or not you feel like that yourself.

I get the feeling that the OP has been the less-than-willing recipient of both her friends' confidences.

Her female friend (the wife_) told her a year ago that she was looking to leave the marriage. The OP doesn't say explicitly, but I assume that she kept that confidence.

Then her male friend (the husband) has been leaning on her in his shock at his wife wanting to end the marriage - but only for the past couple of weeks.

Personally, to me, the husband sounds a bit of an emotional illiterate - not to realise his marriage was on the rocks, and then to turn to a friend who is actually a mutual friend and who introduced them to each other.

But NONE OF THIS IS THE OP'S FAULT She has been trying to be a good supportive friend to both her friends. She's in an impossible position, but it is not of her own making.

Roomster101 · 04/10/2017 19:22

I get the feeling that the OP has been the less-than-willing recipient of both her friends' confidences

I don't get that feeling. With the wife she said that she had to "push it out of her". It's not clear to me that the DH only started talking about his relationship two weeks ago.

Aridane · 04/10/2017 19:34

If it was me I would threaten her with legal action.

Lol - how not to proceed with your 'friend '

MrsDustyBusty · 04/10/2017 19:36

I think, OP, that you're very focused on how the wife's feelings reflect on you and what she thinks about your behaviour. The truth is, she's probably far more interested in how her husband feels.

She may know more about his real feelings than you do.

Goshthatwentwell · 04/10/2017 19:37

I wouldn't mind my other having close female friends but one best buddy whose longest relationship has been with my husband would concern me.

Aridane · 04/10/2017 19:40

I think OP is being a bit of a drama lama.

Yes, she has name changed (for her privacy) but the identifying details are there - Florence is the actual location of the wedding. And OP says she would be happy for 'friend' to read the thread.

Also reads like the lady doth protest too much.

Waiting for DM to pick this up.

I am sure we would hear a very different story from the wife - and it is with her that my sympathies lie.

Luckyme2 · 04/10/2017 20:15

On the basis that they've been together for years and you've been friends with them both for longer than that I assume that any issues your female friend may have had with your friendship with her H would have been picked up by you before now. Which means either something has changed in the last few weeks/months or she's just been very good at hiding her feelings over the years or she's using you as an excuse to other mutual friends. Presumably she's not the type to be possessive over her H's friendships with women or it would have cropped up at some point in the last 10 years and she hasn't accused any of his other female friends of assisting in the decline of their marriage. If she's considered by you as good a friend as he is I think I'd have to just ask her where this has come from. She may have picked up on things from him. She may have noticed him talking more and more about you. It's not really even about your feelings to him OP but whether in recent times she's picked up on him changing as regards you. She could, to use a PP's chart have always been a 3 but sees something in your relationship with her H as having changed. You'll just have to ask her.

GiantSteps · 04/10/2017 20:48

I find some of the responses on this thread puzzling.

MN wisdom is usually along the lines of "You don't have an X problem, you have a DH problem." I tend to think that this is excellent advice.

Indeed, I imagine that if the wife had posted about this situation, she would have been told to lay off the friend (the OP) and deal directly with her husband. As in, "You don't have a friend problem, you have a DH problem. Talk to your DH rather than slagging off your friend."

The conflict is between the husband and the wife. Unfortunately, the OP has been caught in the middle. I feel sorry for her and even more so for the lambasting she's got here from moralistic women.

eyebrowsonfleek · 04/10/2017 21:48

OP- I suspect there’s a lot of info that you don’t know. I believe that you don’t want to snare the husband.

If Husband and Wife aren’t getting along, then it’s not impossible that H would be mentioning that you were in daily contact with him (and nastily omit why) or that Wife might drag you into the marital strife because you’re not talking to her as much as you’re speaking to him. That makes you look like you’re taking his side.

Could the H have a texting other women/cheating/overly flirty problem? While you’re not having an affair, a couple who aren’t getting along aren’t going to be showing each other their phones. Your texts may be causing his phone to beep at inconvenient moments and annoying her. (I know it’s up to him to not have notifications/sound alerts come up on his phone. If a couple aren’t getting along then it’s possible that he’s speaking to you more than her which is obviously going to piss her off.

It may be possible that he has a crush on you and lots of his conversations are about what you said in your emails. Mentionitis is considered by many to be a red flag signaling an affair. (I know that you aren’t having one) A malicious H might be over egging the contact and singing your praises to hurt her.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong but I’d be distancing yourself from both of them. You’ve described the couple as your friend and her husband so I’m assuming that you were closer to her or have known her longer. I think that you should go to Florence on the same flight, stay in the same hotel and attend the wedding but don’t go sightseeing etc with him if you want to remain friends with the wife. It’s perfectly plausible that she’s placing the blame on you to hide her bad behavior but if your goal is to maintain the friendship then it’s best to detach from both until things settle down more.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 08/10/2017 09:29

I agree with this and am amazed at some of the replies on this thread. It's no wonder that the suicide rate in males is so high when they get judged so much for trying to talking about their problems.

I loved your post Feb27. I am definitely in group 3 and have often thought that the group 1's are the lonely old people of the future and struggle to understand why they would cut themselves off from a potentially rich support network. I think maintaining friendships is very very important.

I also think that if DH leaves me for another woman then so be it. Much as I love him, I don't want him if he doesn't want me. I want a marriage of equals, where we stay together out if choice, not because of manipulation and guilt.

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