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Original poster

Close friends and marriage break-up

246 replies

NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 15:15

As you can see from my username I've name changed for this as one of the individuals is on MN.

Two weeks ago a very good friend of mine started divorce proceedings. Her H and I are actually very good friends too and I've known for about a year that she wanted out. He had no idea (though I doubt the veracity of that because who in a marriage doesn't know when it's not going well?)

So anyway, her H and I are going to a wedding in Florence in a week's time for another one of our friend's wedding and we've been planning this over Facebook and WhatsApp messages - amongst our messages he'd write about what's going on with his wife and other things.

It would now appear that I am one of the reasons that she wants to divorce him. I introduced them to each other 10+ years ago and tbh there's never been an issue with our friendship. I've had quite a few boyfriends/dates over the years which I always regaled them with and when I was in a relationship we'd often do things as a 4-some so didn't see the issue.

My friend (the wife) now thinks that actually her husband has become too attached to me and has told our other friends that I too are to blame for the downfall of their marriage.

I just don't understand this. It makes fuck-all sense to me. Surely if we had wanted to be together we've had the best part of 10 years to do so - why would I have suddenly fallen in love with her husband in the past few weeks!?

He and I talk most days and as I said we've always been close and confided in each other but I'm not a home-wrecker.

OP posts:
tippz · 02/10/2017 16:10

@NameChangedForThisIssue

Not a lot to add except a married man confiding in a 'married female friend,' or a married woman confiding in a 'married male friend' is very dangerous territory. (It's also not great if the friend you are confiding in is single if you are married!)

If my husband was blathering to a female friend of his about our marriage, I would be massively fucked off. So would he be if it was me confiding in a male friend about my marriage issues.

And people can bore off with the 'you sound insecure' and 'your marriage obviously has trust issues' bollocks too! Any half of a couple in a relationship should NOT be confiding in someone of the opposite sex about their marriage issues, or getting emotionally attached to them in any way.. It's nasty and rude, and horribly disrespectful to their partner/spouse, and will, in some cases, lead to something 'more' between them and the 'friend' of the opposite sex.

Re the OP. It sounds like the woman she is on about is trying to turn the mutual friends against her. I also would not be going on holiday with them!

This is why, although me and my husband have casual friends, (who we meet at the pub once a month or so,) we have no close relationship with any couple. It never ends well.

Have to agree with @Mybrilliantdisguise you should not be posting on here if your friend is a regular. What were you thinking?!

@cosmonautkitten

The idea that a woman is not allowed to be friends with a married man is one of the strangest I think I've ever come across

That is not what's happening here though, IS it?! Hmm

There's a world of difference between just having 'friends' of the opposite sex, when you're married, (which most people do have!) and becoming emotionally attached to someone of the opposite sex and confiding in them about all your marriage problems, and anything else that's personal and intimate.

It's not rocket science to see there is a world of difference!

Jenna43 · 02/10/2017 16:12

I don't think that many people would be happy if their DH was communicating daily with a female friend (other than a work colleague) going away with them and, worst of all, discussing their relationship

The wife is OPs friend also, not a stranger. The wife was also invited to the wedding trip away. The wife has also spoken to OP about her relationship.

It sounds to me like the wife has met another man and she's trying to blacken the husbands name before her news comes out and he can take all the blame for the split.

tippz · 02/10/2017 16:13

@5rivers7hills

What about if it was his sister? Or his BFF man friend but he was gay? Or even his straight man BFF?

Fuck me, there's always one!! Hmm

This is not relevant to the content of the original post and the issue in question IS it?! People are responding to what has been written!!!

Jenna43 · 02/10/2017 16:15

Not sure I would have written this if one of them was on MN either...especially the woman

Do you really think all these details are true? I'm pretty sure OP has changed enough details so she can still be anonymous.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 02/10/2017 16:15

Are people REALLY comfortable with the idea that their husband/wife would discuss their relationship with another woman/man? (Delete/replace as appropriate.)

I have no trouble admitting I would hate it if my husband was discussing the ins-and-outs of my relationship with another woman.

Buck3t · 02/10/2017 16:17

It's not rocket science to see there is a world of difference!

Good thing I'm not trying to be a rocket scientist then. They were friends before his wife came along. They are the same level of friends now. What's the problem? other than the fact now the wife is uncomfortable, because she thought his friend was really her friend. Instead of both their friends.

It's nasty and rude, and horribly disrespectful to their partner/spouse, and will, in some cases, lead to something 'more' between them and the 'friend' of the opposite sex.

You gave me pause for thought right up until it leading to something 'more'. Yes, you've put the qualifier in some cases, but it doesn't wash. You mean more often than not.

All I'm going to say is that I would never tell a anyone man or woman as much as I tell my sisters, it's my sisters he ought to be worried aboutGrin.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 02/10/2017 16:17

@Jenna43 Yes, thanks for that Jenna. I had realised some details had probably been changed, I am not a complete fucking moron. I personally still wouldn't risk it.

5rivers7hills · 02/10/2017 16:19

I have no trouble admitting I would hate it if my husband was discussing the ins-and-outs of my relationship with another woman

But he hasn't been!!

Not until the wife chucked him!

tippz · 02/10/2017 16:20

@FakePlasticTeaLeaves

Are people REALLY comfortable with the idea that their husband/wife would discuss their relationship with another woman/man?

Only on mumsnet

In real life, every last person on here would be royally fucked off if their husband got emotionally attached to another woman, and confided in her about their marriage issues, or anything else personal and intimate.

They make out if wouldn't bother them. But that is utter bollocks.

tippz · 02/10/2017 16:21

@FakePlasticTeaLeaves

Are people REALLY comfortable with the idea that their husband/wife would discuss their relationship with another woman/man?

Only on mumsnet

In real life, every last person on here would be royally fucked off if their husband got emotionally attached to another woman, and confided in her about their marriage issues, or anything else personal and intimate.

They make out it wouldn't bother them. But that is utter bollocks.

Original poster
NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 16:21

FakePlasticTeaLeaves We've been talking so frequently specifically about Florence and our travel plans. We haven't been talking every day for 10 years!!! It just at times it comes up about their marriage and separation. He hasn't said a single bad word about her. In her eyes however, I am an evil husband stealing charlatan. Which our mutual friends are now aware of. I don't get why she would say that to our mutual friends and not even speak to me as an initial first position.

OP posts:
SocMcDuffin · 02/10/2017 16:23

So the wife is a mumsnetter.

You 'namechanged' but mention a wedding in Florence next week among many other details about her relationship. On mumsnet. I'm sure she will never guess it's you. Hmm

You want her to see this thread, don't you? What do you hope to gain from airing some other woman's imploding marriage here?

Enjoy Florence. I'm sure it's stunningly beautiful this time of year.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 02/10/2017 16:25

@NameChangedForThisIssue @5rivers7hills I wasn't talking specifically about this situation with my question, other people mention they have no issues with the male/female relationship chats, I just know I would!

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all NameChange. Like I said, I think it's more about him than you in her eyes. Your mutual friends must realise that though?

cosmonautkitten · 02/10/2017 16:27

tippz My comment was mostly directed at carefreeeee's statement that 'It's not normal to talk most days with someone else's husband' rather than the OP's precise situation so tbf I should have clarified that a little more.

However, any friendship is an emotional attachment so I don't particularly see what you're getting at there Hmm. Personally, my female friends and I will often talk about relationship issues (and positives) to the men in our friendship groups because a) they're genuinely our friends and b) not to fall into gender stereotyping, but sometimes it's nice to have an outside male perspective on a particular issue...

Original poster
NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 16:28

SocMcDuffin She is. And perhaps maybe it would be good for her to see it because I have done nothing wrong here. I have not. But now I'm suddenly the reason for their separation. That really hurts. When you've been friends with a couple for years and years and in a matter of two-weeks you're suddenly the bad one it does get to you.

OP posts:
Jenna43 · 02/10/2017 16:30

You 'namechanged' but mention a wedding in Florence next week among many other details about her relationship. On mumsnet. I'm sure she will never guess it's you.

FFSHmm, yes OP probably never thought to change any details at all.

TurnipCake · 02/10/2017 16:31

And perhaps maybe it would be good for her to see it because I have done nothing wrong here

I suspect it would go down as well as a wet tart

Jenna43 · 02/10/2017 16:31

When you've been friends with a couple for years and years and in a matter of two-weeks you're suddenly the bad one it does get to you

This is the way people who are cheating behave. They need to convince themselves they've been wronged so they can justify their shitty behaviour.

TurnipCake · 02/10/2017 16:32

FFS, wet fart. Although no one likes a soggy bottom either

Original poster
NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 16:33

There's a few detail changes but it's all largely there. Tbh I'd be glad if she did read it because she doesn't want to talk to me at all but she seems to be happy to talk to others about me.

OP posts:
FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 02/10/2017 16:33

Wet tart is the new wet fart. I will certainly be using it from now on.

misshelena · 02/10/2017 16:35

I've always counseled my DDs (17 and 14) that any boy not willing to ditch his side hoes, as teens refer to girls like you, is not worth dating exclusively.

Jenna43 · 02/10/2017 16:37

I've always counseled my DDs (17 and 14) that any boy not willing to ditch his side hoes, as teens refer to girls like you, is not worth dating exclusively.

You are bang out of order for that.

misshelena · 02/10/2017 16:40

For counseling my own DDs. You mind your own business.

pilates · 02/10/2017 16:42

Are you sure he hasn't got a bit of a crush on you? I wouldn't be happy in the situation you have described as I like to feel number 1 in my husband's life. She has mentioned the position to mutual friends so in a passive aggressive way it would get back to you without having to say it to your face. Would you be cool about the situation if the roles were reversed?

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