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AIBU?

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Original poster

Close friends and marriage break-up

246 replies

NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 15:15

As you can see from my username I've name changed for this as one of the individuals is on MN.

Two weeks ago a very good friend of mine started divorce proceedings. Her H and I are actually very good friends too and I've known for about a year that she wanted out. He had no idea (though I doubt the veracity of that because who in a marriage doesn't know when it's not going well?)

So anyway, her H and I are going to a wedding in Florence in a week's time for another one of our friend's wedding and we've been planning this over Facebook and WhatsApp messages - amongst our messages he'd write about what's going on with his wife and other things.

It would now appear that I am one of the reasons that she wants to divorce him. I introduced them to each other 10+ years ago and tbh there's never been an issue with our friendship. I've had quite a few boyfriends/dates over the years which I always regaled them with and when I was in a relationship we'd often do things as a 4-some so didn't see the issue.

My friend (the wife) now thinks that actually her husband has become too attached to me and has told our other friends that I too are to blame for the downfall of their marriage.

I just don't understand this. It makes fuck-all sense to me. Surely if we had wanted to be together we've had the best part of 10 years to do so - why would I have suddenly fallen in love with her husband in the past few weeks!?

He and I talk most days and as I said we've always been close and confided in each other but I'm not a home-wrecker.

OP posts:
27Feb · 02/10/2017 17:29

I find MN fascinating because people are so different on here. I sometimes feel like many of the posters on here must be quite lonely and emotionally isolated. Is it really so bizarre to have any close friends outside of your marriage?

Original poster
NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 17:29

Lucky She was and has been for over a decade. When the plans for the wedding were taking shape she didn't want to come and she wasn't responding to me like usual. I was going to go to the wedding anyway. He figured that we might as well go together. I can see that she might feel put out that I 'took his side' but I've never been involved in their relationship and to me it was a case of great, I'm off to Florence and my friend wants to come with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 17:32

Luckyme2 It was booked about 2/3 months ago. I'd wanted to sort out leave so that I could stay a few days after.
The trip is in and of itself should not cause her to think that I'm in love with her husband or that he is in love with me.

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 02/10/2017 17:32

OP when you put it like that I can actually see your point. But I can see it from hers too and I think you may have to accept that maybe you don't know the full story here and the florence trip isn't helping!

handslikecowstits · 02/10/2017 17:37

that he is in love with me

Unless that's what he's told her.

Crescend0 · 02/10/2017 17:38

What possible reason would you need to talk to her DH every day? Why? I don't even ring my mum every day.

Motoko · 02/10/2017 17:39

OP has clarified that that they've only been talking every day whilst planning the trip.

misshelena what a nasty attitude to have, and to teach your daughters. They will have lots of relationship problems if they follow your advice. And to use the term "side hoes" is disgusting. Even if that is the way teenagers speak, you should be teaching your daughters how nasty and disrespectful that term is.
There is nothing wrong with married/partnered people having friendships with people of the opposite sex.

Luckyme2 · 02/10/2017 17:42

But the trip was booked 2 or 3 months ago and she only started divorce proceedings 2 weeks ago

motherinferior · 02/10/2017 17:42

I’m in touch with loads of people every day.

Gazelda · 02/10/2017 17:43

OP I can see that you're innocent in this, although perhaps if you were such great friends with her you should have sensed something was up since you've seen her so seldom for the past year?
But I think that rightly or wrongly she sees you as the third person in her marriage. You say he confides in you - maybe she wonders if you've told him about what she said last Nov? Maybe she feels she can no longer confide in you as you've taken sides?
Maybe she's just deflecting blame from herself?
But I think that to continue such a close friendship with someone who's wife you also call a good friend, at a time you knew their relationship was in trouble, is a touch naive.
I her eyes, and in mutual friends' eyes, you've been communicating more frequently with the husband for the past few months, are going away for a weekend and planning sightseeing etc, and have not been as close as you once were with the wife. Those are the facts that everyone will see and judge.

Danceswithwarthogs · 02/10/2017 17:50

However innocent your friendship is (and I'm not doubting you), I would feel hurt if my oh was having long conversations with a friend (of any gender) and hardly communicating with me, laughing with them and not with me etc. Perhaps as their marriage/communication has started to struggle, the friendship you and he has just highlights the distance/isolation they've had from each other. Perhaps she feels you have become a wedge between them reconnecting/confiding/relying on each other..... not necessarily accusing you of causing the problem itself.... just a thought.....

Original poster
NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 17:53

But I think that rightly or wrongly she sees you as the third person in her marriage.

Gazelda I think you've got a very valid point here. And your post is really quite painful to take in.

I have never taken sides at all. I mean in such a friendship you do go through ups and downs and hear about the others' unreasonableness. This has been the case for us always for many years. In the past year something changed with her and she clearly blames me for the downfall of her marriage. BUT if I wanted her husband so badly then why haven't I done something about it for the past 10 years!?

OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 02/10/2017 17:55

Its likely not about you wanting him she likely doesn't think that at all.

It's about him needing you so much. It's his fault but you are the third person in their relationship.

27Feb · 02/10/2017 17:57

motherinferior - me too! I thought it was normal!

Original poster
NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 17:59

Danceswithwarthogs I agree. But I'd never even want to go down that road with a married man let alone that of a woman I considered a friend and one which I introduced her future husband to. I admit that he did perhaps seek emotional support from me when he should have been with his wife but I honestly thought this was friendship. Who waits 10+ years to fall in love with their friend?

OP posts:
handslikecowstits · 02/10/2017 18:01

Who waits 10+ years to fall in love with their friend?

It's possible if he has only just realised.

It's also possible that he's having an affair with someone else but she thinks it's you.

pilates · 02/10/2017 18:03

I'm not normal then because I don't speak to anyone every day I must be a sad old git 😀cba with idle chit chat.

LJLsmum · 02/10/2017 18:05

Eeeeeeeep.

I'm pretty laid back but if my DH was messaging another woman daily and chronicling the breakdown of his marriage to her then I think I'd be pretty fucking angry.

But the female friend told OP a year ago things weren't going well so she's been blabbing the same info as what the husband has only just come to know. Why is it okay that she discusses it AND not actually indicate any problems to him for a year but now the husband needs to discuss matters that's not okay?
Double standards right there!

The wife is being unreasonable and is probably just trying to scapegoat you for problems in the marriage.

ShatterResistantRuler · 02/10/2017 18:08

I'm not sure name changing is going to make it less identifying to the wife, how many people are off to weddings in Florence 😳

Vadams90 · 02/10/2017 18:09

The thing is she clearly sees a different picture from her perspective, rightly or wrongly.

You don’t know the specifics of their marriage issues. He may have cheated or emotionally stepped out in the past, messaging other women etc. Then she sees him being close with you, going to Florence together and your recent messages as a final straw.

They could have been trying to work things out and give it another shot in recent times, which has ended up sour again, then she noticed v friendly messages from you on his phone

He might have painted a different picture of your friendship to her, which has changed her opinion of you in recent months.

Etc, there could be a number of reasons from her perspective why she sees you as a problem. The only way to sort this out with her is to sit down and completely air everything out. You might believe 100% in your heart that you & him are just pals, but she doesn’t know that anymore.

midnightmisssuki · 02/10/2017 18:10

Sorry but I don't think you are the cause of marriage breakdown - some people are totally fine with other halves mixing/being close to the opposite sex and some are not. Your friend's wife sounds like she is just looking for someone to blame and you seemed an easy target - of course everyone is going to side with her and feel sorry for her, a woman who's husband is close to another woman?! You MUST be in the wrong.

I would just have a word with your friend and see what he thinks and take it from there. Good luck OP.

StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2017 18:14

"misshelena

I've always counseled my DDs (17 and 14) that any boy not willing to ditch his side hoes, as teens refer to girls like you, is not worth dating exclusively.".
Bloody hell you utter weirdo

StealthPolarBear · 02/10/2017 18:15

Shatter, you don't think some of those details might be different

Original poster
NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 18:22

Tbh, Florence is true. I should have said Italy or 'Europe'. But I'm feeling sad that she'd have decided this and not said a single word to me. I've found out through a few different friends that apparently I'm one of the main reasons she's leaving her H. They've not been awful to be about it at all. I think maybe they're as perplexed as I am but I honestly haven't done anything dodgy here. If I had I'd hold my hands up and say it.

OP posts:
DismalDaphne · 02/10/2017 18:27

Do you honestly think she won't recognise who you are if she reads this on here? Why don't you just talk to her instead? If it is all a misunderstanding and she is a friend of yours, surely that is the least you should be doing. Splattering it on the internet for all to see isn't great is it?