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Original poster

Close friends and marriage break-up

246 replies

NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 15:15

As you can see from my username I've name changed for this as one of the individuals is on MN.

Two weeks ago a very good friend of mine started divorce proceedings. Her H and I are actually very good friends too and I've known for about a year that she wanted out. He had no idea (though I doubt the veracity of that because who in a marriage doesn't know when it's not going well?)

So anyway, her H and I are going to a wedding in Florence in a week's time for another one of our friend's wedding and we've been planning this over Facebook and WhatsApp messages - amongst our messages he'd write about what's going on with his wife and other things.

It would now appear that I am one of the reasons that she wants to divorce him. I introduced them to each other 10+ years ago and tbh there's never been an issue with our friendship. I've had quite a few boyfriends/dates over the years which I always regaled them with and when I was in a relationship we'd often do things as a 4-some so didn't see the issue.

My friend (the wife) now thinks that actually her husband has become too attached to me and has told our other friends that I too are to blame for the downfall of their marriage.

I just don't understand this. It makes fuck-all sense to me. Surely if we had wanted to be together we've had the best part of 10 years to do so - why would I have suddenly fallen in love with her husband in the past few weeks!?

He and I talk most days and as I said we've always been close and confided in each other but I'm not a home-wrecker.

OP posts:
ilovegin112 · 02/10/2017 16:44

I would say since she told her dh she wants to leave him, instead of telling the truth she has told a load of bullshit to make her self look like the wronged party to all their friends, she sounds like she is rumples

If she had been so worried about op and her dh she has had 10 years to say something or complain about them being close

cosmonautkitten · 02/10/2017 16:45

misshelena This is a joke, right? This has to be a joke (minus points for incorrect use of side hoe)

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 02/10/2017 16:46

Fucking hell.

I have mainly male friends, I am in a happy relationship.

I have known these friends for 20 years.

WE go to gigs together, text each other, hug each other and tell each other our issues, just like my female friends.

Are you really all saying that if they get married I should suddenly stop having these friendships, in case the wife is paranoid??

Really??

Are men and women not capable of being friends without there being anything more??

And as for misshelena....I have no words. What nasty, sexist bollocks are you teaching your daughters???

For a start "hoes" is such a fucking offensive term, you should teach you're DDs it is unacceptable to refer to other women that way.

Plus, you would counsel your DDs that they should get a bf to throw off his old friends, even if there's nothing there??

Just ewwww.

jaseyraex · 02/10/2017 16:47

Like the majority of mumsnet, his wife sounds insecure as hell. But that's not your problem. She's just not as much of a friend as you thought she was. You've not done anything wrong.

My best friend in the world is a married man, I speak to him every single day and sometimes he speaks about his wife and I speak about my husband. The same way I would with a friend of the same sex. I'd be mortified if his wife suddenly started saying things like this and I'd be telling her to do one. If she doesn't trust her own husband then that's her own problem.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 02/10/2017 16:47

I've always counseled my DDs (17 and 14) that any boy not willing to ditch his side hoes, as teens refer to girls like you, is not worth dating exclusively.

That was highly unnecessary.

Loopytiles · 02/10/2017 16:48

"Side hoes"?!

Jesus.

Abouttoblow · 02/10/2017 16:51

Mishelena

Side hoes? Really?

Jesus Christ

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 02/10/2017 16:51

My husband has loads of female friends, one of his best friends is a female and I also have male friends. My only issue (and maybe it is insecurity!) is the relationship conversations. I just don't like the though of my husband chatting to his female friends about any issues with me.
Probably wrong, just how I feel. Would never want him not to be friends with them though.

Luckyme2 · 02/10/2017 16:54

I don't understand really. She's told friends you were one of the reasons for the breakdown of their marriage but you've o my started regular chats with him SINCE they've broken up? When was Florence booked bearing in mind invites were last year. Was it originally meant to be the 3 of you sightseeing for a couple of days after the wedding? Just wondering if that's a recent development if that has given his wife something to focus on to paint herself as the injured party to others? Although if mutual friends know you were already good friends before they got married it doesn't really make any sense. Unless there's more to it and he really does have feelings for you which you have been unaware of

Luckyme2 · 02/10/2017 16:54

*only started

Roomster101 · 02/10/2017 16:56

I just don't like the though of my husband chatting to his female friends about any issues with me.

That is how I feel but it is probably due to past experiences of men having ulterior motives for telling me their relationship "problems".

Pigface1 · 02/10/2017 16:56

I'd be pretty upset if my husband was texting/speaking to a single woman on a daily basis. He has plenty of female friends - some married, some single - but he doesn't text or speak to them on a daily basis. It's a question of appropriate distance.

Personally, I have daily contact with very few people. Obviously my husband, but I live with him. Obviously my colleagues (Monday to Friday). But apart from that I don't think I speak to anyone absolutely every day. My bestie and I probably speak or text every 2-3 days. Family and other close friends - maybe once a week. Speaking to someone every day is pretty intimate!

So I've got sympathy for her on that front.

I'm also suspicious of you for 'name-changing' but leaving in some very outing details.

Original poster
NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 17:08

Luckyme2 When the invites came along she wasn't really keen on going. I'd pushed her a bit about why and she told me she told me she just didn't want to be around him for that much longer. But this was last year and they're still technically married. I was always going to go, as was he. So he got in contact and asked me about my plans. There was never a plan in place for the 3 of us. It was just me and when he contacted me we sort of went from there. I've never got involved in their relationship and neither do I want to. Just when you're booking flights and things we'd also talk about other things. This including his separation. She has said to others that my close friendship with him is a reason that she can't trust him. Other friends know he and I have always been friends but I don't know what to tell them because it is true - we have always been close - but the closest I've been to him is a hug after leaving dinner. I've never at all thought much more about him than that.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 02/10/2017 17:09

I introduced them to each other 10+ years ago and tbh there's never been an issue with our friendship

Although you don't actually know that. None of us knows what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe she's always had a problem with it but has tried to be cool about it? Maybe her dh has changed recently, or he said something about you that was hurtful to her. Or maybe she is using you as an excuse to leave.

Regardless of the reason it's not your business other than to step back and let them deal with it. And I totally refuse to believe that she has been confiding in you for a year about leaving and you haven't let something slip, or even openly told, her dh who you are very close to and speak to every day.

Sashkin · 02/10/2017 17:10

I've always counseled my DDs (17 and 14) that any boy not willing to ditch his side hoes, as teens refer to girls like you, is not worth dating exclusively.

Oh I quite agree. I always tell my own daughters that if they meet a man to refers to other women as “side hoes”, they should just fuck them and leave.

Original poster
NameChangedForThisIssue · 02/10/2017 17:15

nokidshere She hasn't been confiding in me for a year. She told me once last year very simply that she wasn't happy with her H. We haven't spoken very much between then and now.

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 02/10/2017 17:19

I know you're good friends with both of them so have you spoken to her to ask where this has come from? Could the Florence trip have something to do with it? Did you speak to her for example to say along the lines of 'Look I know you're not coming and you've split up now but me and X are going to go together and hang out a bit after the wedding. That's not a problem is it?' I know it shouldn't be a problem, friends for years etc but you're her friend too, enough for her to have confided in you before the split, so maybe she feels a bit hurt, that you've taken his 'side' perhaps and is reacting with accusations?

Crescend0 · 02/10/2017 17:19

OP, I don't mean to be rude, but you clearly have very poor boundaries if you think it's normal to speak to someone else's' DH every day. Who does that? You sound very needy tbh. I don't need to talk to anyone every day, except for my kids and DH but that's because I live with them. The fact that you knew him from before he was married is irrelevant. Once he's married, get some self-respect and back off surely? And all this booking flights together sounds like a nonsense to me. You all sound all over the place.

Luckyme2 · 02/10/2017 17:21

You haven't spoken much to her in the last year but you described her as a 'very good friend in you op.

rightnowimpissed · 02/10/2017 17:22

Changing the name here isn't hiding who it is about, if she reads this she'll know straight away.

Luckyme2 · 02/10/2017 17:22

*your OP. Sorry!

Loopytiles · 02/10/2017 17:24

You don't know what's gone on between them or how he feels about you, and can't change what your female friend says about you and her ex, unless it's libellous.

Booking a mini break to Florence with him alone (even based around a wedding) was inappropriate IMO.

Loopytiles · 02/10/2017 17:24

You haven't spoken much with her in a year (since she confided her disatisfaction with their marriage) yet have had regular contact with him?

Chattymummyhere · 02/10/2017 17:26

I think anyone needing to be in contact every day with a particular person would be an issue outside of work. It makes you emotionally dependant on each other.

If my husband was having to text/call/talk to a certain friend every single day And going away with them I would be getting my ducks in row and would likely mention their dependency on X friend as one of the reasons.

I can't think of anyone but my dh and young children that I speak to every day and that's because you know we live together.

Luckyme2 · 02/10/2017 17:28

So when was Florence booked? She mentioned last year when the invites came out she didn't think she'd still be with him by the time of the wedding. She started divorce proceedings 2 weeks ago. Wedding is next week. Were plans being made before then for Florence or has it all been left to last minute?

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