Friend kissed husband/husband kissed friend

[Fliptopdustbinlid]

Not really sure where to start, but here goes, a little bit of background context, we are a group of friends, couples and all have children, been friends for a number of years etc, been with DH for 17 years, married for 8.

All friends are married and have children, all in good relationships.

Went out on Friday nights for dinner and drinks, had a few drinks and then for dinner in a local restaurant, girls sat together and blokes sat together, but my DH ended up sitting next to friend A (ill call her) who then sat opposite friend B.

All was going well and no problems, when all of a sudden- and i dont know how it came about that DH kissed friend A, proper smacker on the lips when friend A's DH went to the toilet, kinda in a laughy-funny way, but then did it again before he got back! All in front of me, although i was right at the end of the table so i am not sure how the conversation went beforehand, or if it was some kind of dare, but that what happened.

After the meal we went for more drinks (and was no way drunk at all) but friend B was a little flirty, nothing much, but a bit flirty. Friend A and her DH ended up going home early, but didnt even say bye to me as a few of us were then up dancing, but she and her DH went home.

We then stayed for a bit longer, but when we left DH then walked up the road holding friend B's hand! not for too long, but still happened.

Once home, i let rip at DH asking what the heck he was playing at, and he said it was nothing and i was taking it all out of context and it was just nothing, and i kiss the blokes sometimes, which is not true at all, apart from kissing to say bye, (which is cheek) not just sat in a restaurant having a meal, id no way just turn to one of them to kiss them! and then walk off holding one of their hands!

He did seem remorseful and i said how would you have felt if id done that!

I ended up sleeping in DS room as they were with their auntie, but i didnt sleep too well, and i have felt rubbish the whole weekend, DH apologised all day on the Sat, i just feel really down about it all.

Yep, as often happens it's the subsequent behaviour that is the biggest problem.

so he turned it back and made it about you? Are you gonna take that?

Apparently he couldnt remember what the context it was in and were just 'mucking about' i asked and asked, what was the conversation before and after and why wait till A's DH went to the toilet & he said that he didnt realise he wasnt there, which i said was a load of crap.

He did say sorry he hurt/upset me etc etc, this is pretty much out of character, i just dont know what to do, i am sure if i ask friend A she will just say the same, they were mucking about!

I am just upset and angry about the whole situation, i arranged the bloody night out ffs!

OP in your situation I would sit him down and tell him that this latest event has shown you what a huge problem you have with your relationship - that when he does something that upsets you, he tries to lie his way out of it, or pretend he can't remember, and if all else fails, then tries to turn it around on you.

I would then tell him he needs to leave until he comes up with a way of salvaging what he's done and rebuilding some trust - because without that there is no relationship.

He doesn't seem to have got it through his head how serious this is. Help hammer it in for him

That being said OP, don't shy away and not confront friend A... they did it in front of you which shows just how little they thought of you in that moment.

Will her husband think that it was 'just mucking around' ???

Don't let people walk all over you and disrespect you so much!

These are not friends! And your husband has disrespected you massively.

I would not stand for this at all.

Firstly, I can completely understand why you didn't say anything at the time. I'm sure you were in shock and couldn't quite believe what you were seeing and wanted to wait for an explanation from dh before potentially over reacting to a silly joke. Unfortunately no such explanation has been forthcoming and dh is behaving appallingly.

I may be misreading the whole situation, but from what you've described it seems as though your dh has a crush on friend A and initiated both kisses when A's dh had left the table. She was mortified and she got dh out of there sharpish so she could explain the situation without fear of her dh walloping yours. She too perhaps felt unable to confront the issue at the time and ruin the evening. Unfortunately still quite a common reaction among women when drunk men behave badly in social situations. Friend A could be feeling just as confused and upset about this as you are.

I may be completely wrong, but you are getting nowhere with your dh (who is obviously guilty as sin given how he's deflecting). If you value your friendship with A, I would ring her and ask what happened, making it clear that you know dh has behaved badly and you don't blame her in the slightest. Not sure how many friends were present that evening and witnessed the kisses but you can bet your bottom dollar that it's been a hot topic of conversation amongst the group since and no one will be saying how perfect your relationship is. More than likely they'll be commenting on your dh's inappropriate behaviour. There's no fault or shame whatsoever on your part so please get things out in the open and find out what's going on.

I think a big problem is that you are uncomfortable speaking about this to the others in your group because of what they would think about your marriage.
You are also embarrassed and probably don't want to make a big deal of it.
But I think for your own sake, as it will eat away at you, the wondering what is actually going on between them and the lies DH is spinning, you need to visit the friend on the other side of A and ask about the convo. Nail B and ask about the convo. Speak to DH of A to describe what happened and does he know if there are things going on you don't know about. Just get it right out there or this will fester and if there is stuff you need to know it's better you know it than finding out down the line.
If you speak face to face with people you see their reaction to the question, whereas txts or phone calls will be brushed off, no one else will want to be involved in your marriage probs, which is normal.

So he cheated on you in front of you, and now he's gaslighting you. While cheating on you in your presence may not be typical behaviour for him, I can bet he's a nasty person in plenty of other areas that we're not hearing about.
Sorry OP but there is absolutely no way in hell I would ever, ever put up with this. The disrespect is enormous. The manipulation and the gaslighting is unforgivable. Life is too short. Honestly.
There are a few threads going around ATM titled 'what would you tell your self in your 30's' or some such. Mine would be - don't put up with bullshit. Don't put up with shitty relationships.
I would also find new friends. These women are not your friends.

Cheating on your partner (which is what kissing another woman is) isn't just mucking about. He is lying if he thinks that's an ok way for a married man to behave. Unless you have an open marriage which I assume from your posts you don't. Would he be fine with you mucking about kissing other men?

How did everyone else react when it happened? Did everyone laugh as in it was all some sort of terrible bad joke, or was everyone shocked and horrified?

I'd bet my last 50p that friend A's husband does know and that he's equally unimpressed, which is why they went home early.

It could be a good idea to contact friend A. Don't give her any clue what your DH has said, just that you saw him kissing her and now you want to hear her side of the story.
It's possible she told her DH what happened and was upset and taken aback by it, and so they left early.
Not good from your point of view, if that is the case, but you need to know if it is.

It sounds like your husband is the group lecher.

From your posts I get that B was being flirty, but maybe A also felt uncomfortable. Perhaps text her and say that you saw your H grab and kiss her before she and her H left early. Is she ok/angry etc, then you may get a bit of back story out of her.

Hi OP did you ask person A about kissing your husband? Hope you're ok xx

I think I'd ask friend B what happened actually.

I've got a feeling friend B took your dh's hand in a "lets go" way to take the opportunity to say to him "wtaf was that all about?!"

Shitty behaviour from your dh and friend A and I'd probably end the friendship/relationship with both but I'd keep my options open regarding friend B

Your relationship dynamic is fucked up.

Firstly you should never have to “brave” the conversation. To put it into context I’d have shouted over the restaurant table “oI, what the fuck are you two up to”. I’d have been laughing, but it would have been addressed immediately and it would continue to be addressed until I was satisfied or we would have left.

Secondly, he hasn’t apologised and he tried to make you out to be guilty. He is either not faithful or is trying to be not faithful. His reaction is guilt. Not regret. Guilt. So he went on thr attack. It’s the best form of defence...right? My money is on he was hitting on her.

Thirdly, he doesn’t care that you were there, he didn’t care then and he doesn’t care now. He won’t even fake apologise to save your feelings.He thinks he can bully you into shutting up and accepting it, that you won’t dare to question him.

What you chose to do about it is your choice. However I think it’s clear you have a significant problem in your relationship. The problem isn’t he kissed your friend. That’s a symptom. The problem is he doesn’t give a shit about you and you find it difficult to confront him.