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Original poster

Friend kissed husband/husband kissed friend

166 replies

Fliptopdustbinlid · 02/10/2017 08:02

Not really sure where to start, but here goes, a little bit of background context, we are a group of friends, couples and all have children, been friends for a number of years etc, been with DH for 17 years, married for 8.

All friends are married and have children, all in good relationships.

Went out on Friday nights for dinner and drinks, had a few drinks and then for dinner in a local restaurant, girls sat together and blokes sat together, but my DH ended up sitting next to friend A (ill call her) who then sat opposite friend B.

All was going well and no problems, when all of a sudden- and i dont know how it came about that DH kissed friend A, proper smacker on the lips when friend A's DH went to the toilet, kinda in a laughy-funny way, but then did it again before he got back! All in front of me, although i was right at the end of the table so i am not sure how the conversation went beforehand, or if it was some kind of dare, but that what happened.

After the meal we went for more drinks (and was no way drunk at all) but friend B was a little flirty, nothing much, but a bit flirty. Friend A and her DH ended up going home early, but didnt even say bye to me as a few of us were then up dancing, but she and her DH went home.

We then stayed for a bit longer, but when we left DH then walked up the road holding friend B's hand! not for too long, but still happened.

Once home, i let rip at DH asking what the heck he was playing at, and he said it was nothing and i was taking it all out of context and it was just nothing, and i kiss the blokes sometimes, which is not true at all, apart from kissing to say bye, (which is cheek) not just sat in a restaurant having a meal, id no way just turn to one of them to kiss them! and then walk off holding one of their hands!

He did seem remorseful and i said how would you have felt if id done that!

I ended up sleeping in DS room as they were with their auntie, but i didnt sleep too well, and i have felt rubbish the whole weekend, DH apologised all day on the Sat, i just feel really down about it all.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 02/10/2017 09:20

Just don't let him minimise this OP and make out it's nothing

Sounds like the social group has crossed a few lines and it's also time to take a step back there too

All you can do is let him him know this is fucking disrespectful and out of order

If he tries to minimise and lighten it that's bullshit

And take a step back from the friends until your head is clearer OP

As PP said has this happened beforehand ??

KarateKitten · 02/10/2017 09:23

This is totally and utterly awful. Don't be tricked into thinking there's some 'context' to this!!!! There's no context other than he has no respect for you or your relationship. If he'll do that in public, what would he do in private.

I'd be completely cutting off friend B too and having a word with her husband to let him know what happened too.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 02/10/2017 09:23

Don't shake off how it makes you feel.
I'd be furious. Be furious!
How would he feel if you did that with someone's husband?

bluit · 02/10/2017 09:24

Why does your title say your friend kissed your DH, then he kissed her? Is that what actually happened?

The fact this happened in front of someone he later held hands with is perhaps connected.

It looks like there's lots going on that you aren't aware of, until now that is.

nellieellie · 02/10/2017 09:26

Was friend A complicit in the kiss? Everyone seems to assume she was. But what you say is that your DH kissed her - twice. Maybe she was not complicit and saw this as unpleasant, unwanted behaviour. Your DH has major explaining. I'd want an detailed account of the pre kiss conversation, and to know exactly what was going through his mind when he did it. As for hand holding with B, the same. Why? what is his relationship with her. Does he have any idea how inappropriate this is? Apologies are meaningless in this situation. You need proper explanation. Otherwise you could be seeing a side of this man that is there, will continue to be there, just one that has been hidden from you up til now.

kateandme · 02/10/2017 09:27

don't tell yourself it was nothing.it obviously was.you are valid in your feelings no matter what he says.
ask him how hed feel if it was reversed?
is she happy with her dh? as much as these are long term relationships things can go wrong at any stage.so commitment wavers and people get flirty or more open. but that,if yo uand ur hubbie are happy should not be happening with you guys no matter what the context or if it was her on him.
I cant quite believe hew mould do this!

GlitteryFluff · 02/10/2017 09:27

Beyond strange.
Has he done anything like this before?

whoopsiedaisydangle · 02/10/2017 09:28

That's so bang out of order OP, personally I would let friend A know how I feel....with her husband present.

BoffinMum · 02/10/2017 09:30

I think he was being childish and silly doing this. As long as he has apologised and learned his lesson I would move on (although I might insist on being taken out to dinner first or something).

SocMcDuffin · 02/10/2017 09:33

He needs to explain the 'context' if he expects you to understand and to accept his apology.

But it's damaged your trust in him- this is what he does in full view of you. It raises questions as to what level of respect he affords you, how he regards your feelings and your relationship. And for sure you are questioning now what he is likely to behave like without you there to hold his behaviour in check.

It's very likely that A grabbed her husband and fucked off as soon as she could. She could very well be extremely upset at this especially if it was as much of a shock to her being assaulted kissed by your DH as it was to you.

He's had the whole weekend to explain the 'context' to you and he didn't bother his arse. I'd be going around to Friend A's house and finding out from her how she feels and what the context was. I suspect there was fuck all justifiable context other than your DH being a creep.

Original poster
Fliptopdustbinlid · 02/10/2017 09:36

Sometimes when we are together as a group there has been some gently flirting, but i can handle that, but this was just something different and that i felt awkward about, i was too far away to hear the conversation, but i might message DH's friend who was sat the other side to ask.

If it was something & nothing i dont want to lose DH or our friends, it 'may' have been a joke, but i guess until i ask i wont know.

Im at work today, but need to get some answers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fliptopdustbinlid · 02/10/2017 09:37

I dont think friend A was offended what so ever- which then makes things worse.

I think the lack of affection from her own DH, she probably didnt mind whatsoever

OP posts:
Teddy7878 · 02/10/2017 09:38

Still don't get why you don't just insist on an answer from him and tell him under no uncertain terms that you aren't ok with that sort of behaviour and it made you feel like crap. If he laughs it off or makes out you're being crazy then I'd reconsider whether he's the man for you. He sounds like a dick

ChicRock · 02/10/2017 09:39

I'd imagine A and her DH left early because either the DH had found out and wanted to leave and cool off before he did something he might regret, or A was upset and just wanted to get away from your husband.

I don't understand why you won't just ask your husband what happened? Are you scared of him or something?

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2017 09:46

I don’t understand how you can’t ask your husband either and need to message a friend,,?

Thiscantreallybehappening · 02/10/2017 09:47

OP, you need to have a full and frank conversation with your DH. You need to ask him: why it happened? why he and Friend A thought it was acceptable behaviour?, why he then held hands with Friend B?.

Your DH will more than likely now try to minimise this and say you are making a big thing of it. You are not, you need answers and you need to tell him exactly how their actions made you feel on the night and how you have felt since. He needs to know he and they crossed a red line and that you absolutely will not accept that behaviour in the future. Ask him how he would feel if you had behaved like that with Friend A's Dh or Friend B's DH.

I understand you didn't want to make a scene and you must have been totally floored with their behaviour and needed time to process what was going on and what had happened but now you need to question. I would also ask your DH to tell Friend A's DH and Friend B's DH what happened - if this was so innocent - I bet he won't want to do that. Tell him you are going to tell them and see his reaction.

To conclude, If this was me, I'm sorry but I would not be seeing this group again either with or without children. I understand this is going to be really difficult because obviously you have all known each other for a long time and have history but I think this group has run its course. How can you really be friends with A and B when they behaved like this. You would be watching their and your Dh's every move. The trust with this group has gone. You now need to talk to your DH and build your trust in your relationship. That has to be your priority. Don't keep the group going because you think you have to. You need to put yourself, your family first make that the priority. Get to the bottom of why your DH treated you like this and do think back in case there is something in the past that indicates this has gone on before. Hopefully these actions were misjudged by your DH and it was a one-off and he will understand your feelings and work with you to build your trust again.

PhelanGood · 02/10/2017 09:47

Sounds like you've outgrown them all, including DH. Unless you fancy a future of sordid car key parties.

Believeitornot · 02/10/2017 09:47

A joke to kiss another man on the lips...

Right Hmm

Ttbb · 02/10/2017 09:48

Well that's shit. Maybe get him to sign a favourable post nup while he's still feeling guilty?

KungFuEric · 02/10/2017 10:01

Have you spoken to these women who are your supposed friends?

Im really weirded out by friend B's behaviour, to sit there and watch your husband kiss another woman infront of her and then go on to flirt and hold his hand (emotional affair? It's very intimate behaviour)

PollytheDoily · 02/10/2017 10:03

I'm surprised you haven't handed his arse to him on a plate yet.

Shock and hurt but I hope you're feeling angry now. Utter contempt all 3 showed to you.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 02/10/2017 10:08

Was it an actual proper kiss? Regardless the hand holding too is taking the piss and the fact he hadn't explained himself.

BadTasteFlump · 02/10/2017 10:12

Sometimes when we are together as a group there has been some gently flirting

That would be a huge problem for me. I can be flirty, but I would never flirt with the husbands/partners of friends. And I wouldn't flirt with men I'm apparently 'friends' with. I quickly lose patience with women that do flirt with every man they know actually, I think it's immature and self-depreciating - ie 'men will only like me if I reel them in sexually, because my personality alone isn't enough'.

I think the boundaries within your friendship group have gone way off track - or the kissing and hand holding thing just wouldn't have happened, not in a million years.

That's not to say I wouldn't blame your DH 100%. He's married to you and has completely disrespected you and disregarded your feelings. Give him hell IMO.

BadTasteFlump · 02/10/2017 10:13

Sounds like you've outgrown them all, including DH. Unless you fancy a future of sordid car key parties.

And this.

Branleuse · 02/10/2017 10:14

i would go apeshit over that

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