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Original poster

Friend kissed husband/husband kissed friend

166 replies

Fliptopdustbinlid · 02/10/2017 08:02

Not really sure where to start, but here goes, a little bit of background context, we are a group of friends, couples and all have children, been friends for a number of years etc, been with DH for 17 years, married for 8.

All friends are married and have children, all in good relationships.

Went out on Friday nights for dinner and drinks, had a few drinks and then for dinner in a local restaurant, girls sat together and blokes sat together, but my DH ended up sitting next to friend A (ill call her) who then sat opposite friend B.

All was going well and no problems, when all of a sudden- and i dont know how it came about that DH kissed friend A, proper smacker on the lips when friend A's DH went to the toilet, kinda in a laughy-funny way, but then did it again before he got back! All in front of me, although i was right at the end of the table so i am not sure how the conversation went beforehand, or if it was some kind of dare, but that what happened.

After the meal we went for more drinks (and was no way drunk at all) but friend B was a little flirty, nothing much, but a bit flirty. Friend A and her DH ended up going home early, but didnt even say bye to me as a few of us were then up dancing, but she and her DH went home.

We then stayed for a bit longer, but when we left DH then walked up the road holding friend B's hand! not for too long, but still happened.

Once home, i let rip at DH asking what the heck he was playing at, and he said it was nothing and i was taking it all out of context and it was just nothing, and i kiss the blokes sometimes, which is not true at all, apart from kissing to say bye, (which is cheek) not just sat in a restaurant having a meal, id no way just turn to one of them to kiss them! and then walk off holding one of their hands!

He did seem remorseful and i said how would you have felt if id done that!

I ended up sleeping in DS room as they were with their auntie, but i didnt sleep too well, and i have felt rubbish the whole weekend, DH apologised all day on the Sat, i just feel really down about it all.

OP posts:
Chestervase1 · 02/10/2017 17:26

Can you take a deep breathe and say ok I must have been mistaken we had all had quite a bit to drink. Next time you go out be more vigilant and aware without it being obvious and see if there are any more signs. I don’t think you should do anything in anger but it will soon become apparent if you are being gaslighted. How is this “freind” acting around you from now on. I don’t agree you should act in haste but you should have more detail. I can understand you are upset but it doesn’t look like he is going to answer your questions.

Italiangreyhound · 02/10/2017 17:33

Very strange behaviour.

BlueRabbitWasNaughty · 02/10/2017 17:59

I'm also going to go against the grain.. the kiss at the meal is a bit much but I'm presuming nobody was sober (if so, that's probably another story) and I assume it was a peck rather than a snog!

My dh has a lovely group of very affectionate friends so this type of behaviour would not be particularly weird on a big night out. I certainly wouldn't presume anything untoward was going on if I saw my dh behaving like this.

That said, if it makes you uncomfortable then I would be having words with him.

Gemini69 · 02/10/2017 18:24

everyone in you social group is walking all over you OP.. you realise this right ?

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2017 18:36

Op, what do you mean you don’t know why he did it and can’t fathom it.

You know exactly why he did it, did it twice and did it when her husband was in the loo.

He is either having an affair with her or he fancies her something rotten and took his chance when her husband was away and is trying to kick one off.

Did he mean to hurt you? You were the last thing on his mind, he didn’t care at that moment you could see him do it, all he was thinking about was taking the opportunity when her husband wasn’t there.

DanHumphreyIsA · 02/10/2017 18:53

All he says was 'he dosent know why he did it' he cant remember the convo behind it etc etc and he never meant to hurt me

This is bullshit.

It sounds like he didn't expect you to see, if you were sat further away. If it was 'innocent', why would it happen to be when friend's DH wasn't there?
I imagine someone else told friend's DH and thats why they went home early, to have it out.

I'd feel terrible if my DH did that and no way would I buy the 'I don't remember' line, unless he was so wasted he couldn't walk (still he managed to find one friend's lips, and another friend's hand)

Mxyzptlk · 02/10/2017 19:08

Texting DH's friend likely wouldn't get you anywhere, OP.
He'd most likely say he wasn't paying attention, or doesn't remember. He's not going to say anything against DH.

Andylion · 02/10/2017 20:13

he said it was nothing and i was taking it all out of context and it was just nothing,

All he says was 'he dosent know why he did it' he cant remember the convo behind it etc etc and he never meant to hurt me.

So the context line was bullshit?

Original poster
Fliptopdustbinlid · 03/10/2017 07:46

So i braved the conversation last night- which then ended up in a row, he cant remember the conversation leading up to them kissing at all & dosent know why he did it, and then apparently friend b grabbed his hand while walking out of the pub, to say 'come on lets go'

He then said 'well im not having an affair or anything' and then turned it round on me by saying 'god knows what you get up to when im not around' i work p/t (only one day off) but it ended up in a row and now not speaking at all.

Not sure where to go from here

OP posts:
Chestervase1 · 03/10/2017 07:56

Well I think there you have your answer. No apology for hurting you, just denial and anger and he doesn’t want you to keep bringing it up. Know your worth

Believeitornot · 03/10/2017 07:57

Why would you need to "brave" a conversation when your dh was behaving unacceptably...

I would set out calmly that you didn't like what he did and you need to have a think about what next. Then have a real think/chat with someone.

ShatnersWig · 03/10/2017 07:58

I'd not be happy with that "answer". Not one little bit.

Someone would be on notice that our marriage was in trouble and they'd be sleeping in the spare room for a while or I'd be going to stay somewhere for a while to really decide where to go next.

HyacinthBooquet · 03/10/2017 08:00

OP, I wouldn't be going anywhere but Id make sure he did.

I think what happened indicated there has been some attraction going on thats been hidden for a while and on the day it all came out. I think you've now seen the reality.

As for him now insinuation you've may have been up to something when he's not around - its a classic tactic for when you have a person against the ropes and they've been found out.

You deserve better.

eyebrowsonfleek · 03/10/2017 08:01

You have your answer.
He is minimising and blaming you (and your friend) for something that he’s done. That’s lowest of the low.
He waited until the husband went to the loo so knows that kissing random women is not on.

HyacinthBooquet · 03/10/2017 08:01

Oh and friend A isn't a friend.

AdalindSchade · 03/10/2017 08:06

He’s projecting on to you because he feels guilty and can’t stand it. It’s a very immature response.
I would be able to move past this I think but only if he was totally remorseful and promised not to drink when out with friends again.

Whocansay · 03/10/2017 08:07

I doubt you'll be seeing Friend A and her husband again.

No-one thinks your relationship is perfect after that either. They will think your husband is a sleaze. Because he is. It's no accident he did this when the other husband was in the toilet. And he clearly kissed her, not the other way round as your title suggests.

He has a lot of making up to do, but I'm not sure he can if he thinks this behaviour is OK.

foodiefil · 03/10/2017 08:13

You haven't asked him already? HmmConfused

ComputerUserNotTrained · 03/10/2017 08:18

god knows what you get up to when im not around

Your husband is an absolute prick.

foodiefil · 03/10/2017 08:19

Oh sorry you have now.

He's a tool

DanHumphreyIsA · 03/10/2017 08:24

The fact that he is now suddenly suspicious of what 'you get up to', as a way of deflecting from his behaviour would be a massive cause for concern to me tbh.
I know its a cliche, but it is true that a lot of people who are/have been unfaithful accuse their partners of the same as a cover up.

I honestly wouldn't believe his reasoning at all.

Seeing as you're hitting a brick wall with him, is there anyone else in the group you can ask, that you know you can trust to not bullshit?

To me if almost sounds like Friend B took his hand, to get him away to warn him you'd seen or something. It's just a weird thing to do, especially after earlier events.

UnicornSparkles1 · 03/10/2017 08:28

He's defensive, angry and deflecting. It's textbook arsehole behaviour. I'm sorry.

I'd go to Friend A and ask her what the fuck is going on.

UnicornSparkles1 · 03/10/2017 08:28

Tell her your H has told you his side and now you want hers to see if they match.

PoorYorick · 03/10/2017 08:52

Up until now I might have put it down to drunken silliness, depending on the context. The way he's now trying to accuse you of cheating though is what makes me suspicious.

Either way, he is treating you very badly, to say the least.

whoopsiedaisydangle · 03/10/2017 09:09

You also need to confront 'friend' A!

She is no way a friend though!

Maybe tell her husband what she did? He probably doesn't know! I'm sure he would have words with your husband!