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Original poster

Friend kissed husband/husband kissed friend

166 replies

Fliptopdustbinlid · 02/10/2017 08:02

Not really sure where to start, but here goes, a little bit of background context, we are a group of friends, couples and all have children, been friends for a number of years etc, been with DH for 17 years, married for 8.

All friends are married and have children, all in good relationships.

Went out on Friday nights for dinner and drinks, had a few drinks and then for dinner in a local restaurant, girls sat together and blokes sat together, but my DH ended up sitting next to friend A (ill call her) who then sat opposite friend B.

All was going well and no problems, when all of a sudden- and i dont know how it came about that DH kissed friend A, proper smacker on the lips when friend A's DH went to the toilet, kinda in a laughy-funny way, but then did it again before he got back! All in front of me, although i was right at the end of the table so i am not sure how the conversation went beforehand, or if it was some kind of dare, but that what happened.

After the meal we went for more drinks (and was no way drunk at all) but friend B was a little flirty, nothing much, but a bit flirty. Friend A and her DH ended up going home early, but didnt even say bye to me as a few of us were then up dancing, but she and her DH went home.

We then stayed for a bit longer, but when we left DH then walked up the road holding friend B's hand! not for too long, but still happened.

Once home, i let rip at DH asking what the heck he was playing at, and he said it was nothing and i was taking it all out of context and it was just nothing, and i kiss the blokes sometimes, which is not true at all, apart from kissing to say bye, (which is cheek) not just sat in a restaurant having a meal, id no way just turn to one of them to kiss them! and then walk off holding one of their hands!

He did seem remorseful and i said how would you have felt if id done that!

I ended up sleeping in DS room as they were with their auntie, but i didnt sleep too well, and i have felt rubbish the whole weekend, DH apologised all day on the Sat, i just feel really down about it all.

OP posts:
sadie9 · 02/10/2017 10:15

Are these women your friends, or are their husbands/partners DH's friends? I wouldn't really text anyone about something like this, I would ring them and speak to them.
He must have form for this? I can't believe you have been with him for 17 years and nothing like this has ever happened before?
Maybe he is one of those leery grabby blokes who can't handle his drink and after 2 shandies will try to get you to sit on his knee as you pass to go to the loo sort of thing?
The fact he made passes at TWO women (both in your presence and people you know) would indicate to me that he's either trying to make a point to them or you, or he's just really really stupid and drunk.

VladmirsPoutine · 02/10/2017 10:24

I'd be in putting things in order for impending divorce. But that's because I don't think there can ever be a satisfactory explanation and I can't guarantee that I wouldn't use that evening as a stick to beat him with for the rest of our lives.
There are men out there that value their wives so highly they wouldn't be carrying on IN-FRONT of their actual wives.

ADayGivingMeHope · 02/10/2017 10:28

It doesn’t matter if it was a joke!!!!

He should NOT EVER be kissing other women!

Wake up, he has cheated OP AND had the nerve to do it in front of you!

He needs to do some serious grovelling and change his behaviour, limit his drinking etc if you want to stay with him!

YogiYoni · 02/10/2017 10:28

I think I'm the only voice on the opposite side of this... DH has a group of friends who are all quite affectionate. Being kissed on the lips by them, or DH kissing 'the wives' on the lips, wouldn't really surprise - or bother - me. I'm talking 'smackers' rather than snogs iyswim? No closed eyes / tongues etc, more what you'd expect from an overzealous grandma rather than anything passionate. Likewise, I've probably held hands or hugged male and female friends as we left pubs etc. I think it depends on the context, what's normal for your group, etc.

BadTasteFlump · 02/10/2017 10:30

Yogi that might be all cosy and normal for your group of friends, but it's clearly not the case for the OP or she wouldn't be upset...

pantrylightout · 02/10/2017 10:39

Not just husband though is it.............friends have no respect either. Its all a matter of boundaries isn't it. Perhaps it would be wise to step back a bit and watch. I wonder what friends husbands thought. maybe that's why they left early..........
I have been in this situation and spent a long time feeling threatened and worried but came to realise that they are the ones who have more to lose, and others will judge them on their behaviour. Just hold your head up and treat them like the idiots they are.
On the plus side now that you know your husband is a knob and your friends are sly so you are prepared should it happen again.

YogiYoni · 02/10/2017 10:40

No, I realise that Flump. I guess I was posting in case anyone else was reading thinking "shiiiit, but DH always kisses bob's wife when we're out" to show that there's lots of different versions of normal.

LagunaBubbles · 02/10/2017 10:48

This is so disrespectful, I cant imagine what your DH thought he was playing at.

Gemini69 · 02/10/2017 10:50

are you so afraid of losing your DH OP that you would allow this behaviour .. because that's what I'm picking up here Lady Flowers

and this woman is not your friend... definitely NOT Hmm

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2017 11:11

i need to somehow ask him

Why the hell didn't you ask? Why the hell didn't he automatically just tell you "it was a dare" or something. Are you scared to ask him? I cannot get my head round the having to message a friend - just talk to your DH

ChickenMom · 02/10/2017 11:23

Big red flags...if I was you, I'd cut off all contact and no more partying with the women who did this. I say this to you as somebody who went through this with my ex and ended up finding my DP in bed with one the "friends". You need to stamp on this firmly now. Your DH has a crush on friend A and she on him. Sorry not to sugarcoat it but you're best off facing it now and dealing with it. Tackle him when he gets home and ask him for absolute honesty. Tell him you don't want him having anymore contact with her at all EVER. See how he reacts to that. It should tell you a lot. Only you know if your marriage is otherwise solid and in a good place normally but honestly, you wouldn't be feeling uncomfortable if it was and he wouldn't be doing what he did. Cut them off and book marriage counselling asap. Good luck x

NataliaOsipova · 02/10/2017 11:25

Why the hell didn't he automatically just tell you "it was a dare" or something

That was my first thought, actually - sounds like a silly prank taken a bit too far. If he actually wanted to try it on with either of your friends, he wouldn't have done so quite so openly or obviously.

CoffeeMilkNoSugar · 02/10/2017 11:29

Disrespectful? Please. This wasn't just disrespectful, it was humiliating to you OP. Whatever you do, make sure he doesn't get off lightly.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2017 11:30

I'm not saying that's what it was, I just can't understand why the DH didn't come up with an explanation and why she didn't ask when one wasn't forthcoming

babybubblescomingsoon · 02/10/2017 11:33

Oh op I'm sorry that sounds awful. I hate to say it but, if he does that in front of you, what happens on a night out when he's not with you? Ultimately it shows a huge lack of respect for you and you don't deserve that FlowersWine

Original poster
Fliptopdustbinlid · 02/10/2017 11:33

All he says was 'he dosent know why he did it' he cant remember the convo behind it etc etc and he never meant to hurt me.

we've been together since i was 18 and i do trust him, i just cant fathom why whilst sitting having a meal anyone would feel the need to do that

OP posts:
C4Envelope · 02/10/2017 11:34

Grow a pair

Santawontbelong · 02/10/2017 11:39

A dare?
A joke?
Is he 16??
I would have been at the solicitors at 9 am. .

BadTasteFlump · 02/10/2017 11:41

But do you believe him OP? Unless he was almost blind drunk he must be able to remember something about what was said or what was going on. Therefore he doesn't want to tell you.

I would make it clear he doesn't have a chance and needs to start explaining now. Otherwise he knows where the door is.

Narnia72 · 02/10/2017 11:42

I don't think people who are cheating would be that brazen. From my experiences, anyone who is cheating goes out of their way to avoid their cheating partner in public. I also don't think it is a precursor to swinging parties, although, admittedly I have no experience!

However, it does sound quite childish, and as if there were some kind of dare going on with regard to the kiss. Holding hands - I don't know, I'm quite tactile and have often linked arms with DH's friends if we're chatting and walking after a night out. Usually it's an attempt to slow them down a bit, as I've got short legs and all of his friends seem quite tall! However, I also do it with female friends. Is friend B normally quite tactile?

If he "can't remember", there probably isn't much point in pursuing a conversation further. I would make it clear that he's overstepped boundaries, and use the opportunity to be clear on both sides what is and isn't ok, and then move on.

Gemini69 · 02/10/2017 11:45

he did it.. because he fancied snogging friendA .. and friendB fancied a go too... because he clearly isn't fussy OP.. because he sounds like any one will do when he has a drink in him.. tbh he sounds repulsive ... the mere fact he 'doesn't know' why he did it... screams he feels nothing for you... you do not matter.. and you're certainly not worthy of an explanation...

ChuffMuffin · 02/10/2017 11:48

This is probably going to sound odd, but have you seen that episode of Father Ted where he and Dougal kick Bishop Brennan up the arse then just pretend it never happened? That's what your original post made me think of. I wonder if he thought that if he did it in front of you, he'd have the excuse of "well I wouldn't have done it in front of you if it was anything sinister". Almost like he's now setting you up to be gaslit, making you question what you actually saw, does that make sense? Like if he does it to another friend in the future and they tell you, he could say "I was only joking, remember with X? You were there".

Benedikte2 · 02/10/2017 11:49

OP I hope your DH knows that you so t tolerate a repeat of this behaviour and it would be wise for him to avoid close contact with A and B at future get togethers.
After that try to put the matter behind you because it will upset you more than him. To him it's over. It will just eat away at you. If necessary see if you can get some counselling -- not because you desperately need counselling as such but because you need someone in your RL to talk it through with. We all have insecurities and these incidents have increased yours.
Good luck

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 02/10/2017 12:09

My first thought was that he and friend A have been having an affair and friend B knows about it, has possibly even covered for them on occasion.

I do agree that for the most part someone having an affair wouldn't generally be so brazen, however I also think that one of the reasons why affairs with friends often go on so long is because we accept a greater level of closeness between our partners and friends of the opposite sex which we wouldn't tolerate between our partner and a stranger or someone we didn't know well.

So it's not beyond the realms of normal for a dh to give a lift home to a friend or to pick up their kids and drive them home or to help her out with something in the house or even meet up for a coffee if they're in town. And for the most part that is perfectly platonic and normal and nothing would ever happen.

But when something does happen between a partner and a friend we are less likely to see it because the level of closeness is already there and we don't look for the rest. And invariably they do become complacent, kissing in the wife's own house during a party or ending up in bed together and being discovered etc most of which would never happen between the same person and a stranger because the opportunity (and acceptance of closeness) wouldn't be there.

So I think that in the heat of the moment in the evening he got carried away and kissed her. And the holding hands with friend B was perhaps just his being drunk but more likely a show of solidarity because she knew what was going on.

TBH I might be inclined to talk to friend A's husband for his take.

strongasmeringue · 02/10/2017 12:09

It's what he does now that's important as he can't unkiss her. If he's being andick or minimising or telling you your feelings are wrong, then kick him out for a bit and ignore.

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