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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make them pay?

173 replies

SpecialKt · 01/10/2017 14:48

Dd is having a meal out with around 15 friends x they're all aged between 14 & 16 . Aibu to make them pay for their own meals or do I pay since it's dds meal ?

I've paid for birthday meals out before but that wasn't for 15 teenagers !

OP posts:
EezerGoode · 01/10/2017 16:12

These girls don't sound like her friends ...it sounds to me like bullying.the bit where they said ,well we organised it for you,so...,expecting you/ her to pay....that made me think they are not her friends and they are trying to get a free meal out of you by pretending to be friends with her...my dd and friends organised meals out lots of times..everyone always paid for themselves,no matter who organised it..they just do at that age..I'd be having a few quiet words with yr dd to find out exactly what's going on.x

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2017 16:15

It really takes a lot of effort to organise a meal out Confused. I hope your dd comes out of this not too hurt.

pigeondujour · 01/10/2017 16:17

Some teenagers, particularly girls, do a great line in being unkind in a subtle way so the person on the receiving end struggles to challenge it. They're testing the power and flexible boundaries that come with getting a bit older and having more freedom - it doesn't mean they'll be awful adults, but it's absolutely hideous to be on the receiving end of. I feel nervous just thinking about it, your poor daughter. She would probably do well to assert herself more forcefully than she probably feels like doing right now; she'd likely give the queen bee a bit of a shock.

Original poster
SpecialKt · 01/10/2017 16:17

Don't want to make a big deal out of it but I think I'm going to take your advice and speak to Dd x sounds like something's going on

OP posts:
SandyDenny · 01/10/2017 16:22

The more I think about it the more odd this is, why would 14 girls/boys all think that if they "arranged" a meal for the 15th that the parent of the 15th would pay for it Confused

It just doesn't make any sense, I think you may be right that there's something more going on here. Do you know any of the parents of the others that you could sound out or maybe see if the school are aware of any issues.

I think I saw the start of your mufti thread (unless there were many of the same) and I'd be concerned about the way it turned out.

Beeziekn33ze · 01/10/2017 16:22

Have any other parents paid for meals for the whole group? I'd guess not. If a group of girls want to have a meal out together, fine, they each pay for themselves.
It does sound as if they (or the Queen Bee and cronies) have railroaded your DD into thinking they are being kind to her. Then it comes out that as the meal is 'for her' you'll be picking up the tab.
I hope the 'good luck' is related to DD going somewhere away from her present 'friends' at least some of whom are beginning to sound toxic.

Ttbb · 01/10/2017 16:24

Ask DD how they have organised to pay-they may have already agreed to pay together or, if you DD has invited them herself then she should've expected to pay.

BMW6 · 01/10/2017 16:25

Extremely strange, hope you get to the bottom of it all OP.

scoobykenzer · 01/10/2017 16:25

Had this situation before, make them pay

SonicBoomBoom · 01/10/2017 16:32

Oh bless her, those two girls who replied sound really unkind, I'd also suspect that something is amiss. That's just not a normal reply, even for an ignorant teen, is it (or is it? I certainly wouldn't have done that at her age).

Willow2017 · 01/10/2017 16:44

tbb
Op has already said that the other girls organised it then told her do as they had organised it....she should pay for it.

It's a deliberate way to use your dd to get a free meal op. They are not her real friends. Nobody arranges a special night out for someone with 15 people then tells them they have done the hard work so you can pay for it. Lots of hard work picking up a phone!

As you said I would be having a chat with dd about who these friends are and how they treat her at school. Sounds like she has to work hard to be friends with them. Definately not worth it. I would be telling them to stuff thier meal if all the girls have the same expectations of a free meal

onlyindreams · 01/10/2017 16:46

No way should you pay, this kind of thing could become the latest trend amongst kids. "Let's think of some excuse to organise a meal for so and so, so we get a freebie." It's outrageous. Their idea, they pay for themselves.

monkeywithacowface · 01/10/2017 16:47

I really feel for your DD, sounds like it would be better to cancel the whole thing. They don't sound like very nice friends

guilty100 · 01/10/2017 16:52

Just wanted to say I think you're doing the right thing in having a conversation - it sounds as though something has changed with her friendships, and she's carrying more anxiety as a result. Bullying can start that way if it's not checked.

youngestisapsycho · 01/10/2017 16:53

It sound like these girls aren’t really good friends.... are they that cruel that they could be setting your DD up? Maybe all going for a meal and all leaving the restaurant, leaving your DD with the bill?!

Original poster
SpecialKt · 01/10/2017 17:07

I spoke to Dd and she just burst into tears. Sounds to me like bullying from what she's told me. These are girls in her year and the year above saying horrible things to her but according to them,true friends always insult each other

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 01/10/2017 17:10

Poor thing and poor you too, OP. She should distance herself posthaste. I'm guessing these are the 'cool' girls. Is she friendly with anyone from a different group she could reach out to?

Theresnonamesleft · 01/10/2017 17:10

They did all the hard work?
Whats so hard about thinking whether to go Frankie and Bennys or Nando's?

Original poster
SpecialKt · 01/10/2017 17:13

I've told her she needs to distance herself . She said she's tried and always ended up alone.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 01/10/2017 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willow2017 · 01/10/2017 17:13

Poor dd she needs to get rid of these horrid girls.

If there is bullying going on I would speak to the school too as this meal done as a group in a public message board is a step too far in manipulation. I hate to think what they are saying at school to her.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/10/2017 17:18

Oh gosh sounds like a bullying situation, them using her birthday for a free night out. She wanting to impress and make friends, went along with it. They are bother friends, nice friends don't do this, that is what you have to bring home to her.

I wpd also see the head of year, to ask them to keep a watch as your concerned about bullying. Ask if she is being bullied at school.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/10/2017 17:19

Meant you have to tell her that nice friends don't do this.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/10/2017 17:21

Tell her it's better to be alone, than with kids like this. Encourage friendships outside school. Are there any clubs and societies she cod join in and out of school.

pigeondujour · 01/10/2017 17:21

I would strongly suspect that even if this meal plan had progressed further, several of them would have cancelled at short notice for a better offer, or something like that. Better it all comes out now so you can support her through it.

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