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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

No my house is not Downton Abbey and you are taking the piss!

194 replies

Cubanito · 30/09/2017 10:57

A friend of mine is moving overseas for 2 years on Monday. She is following her DH due to his job relocation. She's not thrilled about it because she has had to give up her job, but the money was too good to turn down. Her DH has already gone a couple of weeks back and she has been organising getting things shipped out and the house ready for rental. Since yesterday she has been staying with us with her 5 year old son. I was happy to help her out.

Yesterday I picked up her son (7) from school before getting my own 7 year old from her school. My friend was supervising cleaners etc in her house. He son is not really one for boundaries e.g. he just opens cupboards in our house and helps himself to biscuits. Anyway, my friend came back at 6.30, DH also came home a bit early and I made lasagne for everyone (we have 3 DC). Apparently her son only eats pesto pasta so I made that for him. Then he was refusing to sit at the table and wanted to eat in the living room to watch TV. My friend said (loudly), "No you can't eat in the living room at Downton Abbey." Hmm Anyway, I let it go but then she let him run off upstairs and not eat anything. DH was Hmm but said nothing. I found it very rude tbh. Then she was drinking wine while I was clearing up. If it was the other way round, I would have helped. At 9pm she asked if her son could could have toast.

There were shenanigans in the night because her son was up at 4.30, downstairs with the TV on. I get that he might be unsettled by the move. I took him back bed (sharing with my DS who is 9), but he got up again so I left him to it. This morning he appeared to have eaten most of a box of Cherrios (dry) and made a mess in the sofa. My kids are not allowed to eat in the living room.

I made a cooked breakfast for everyone which we ate while her son was in the back garden, kicking bushes. DH was not looking massively impressed but said nothing. At about 10am, my friend left to go and finish off at her house. As she was leaving she said this to her son - "Be good today because you're going to the museum with Don Draper" (DH has offered to take the kids to the Science Museum). I asked her what she meant and she said I really should watch Netflix (she always takes the piss that I don't know who is who on TV). So I googled this name and it's a character from a show about an office and who has serial affairs with all the women in the office! What the hell does she mean by that?

I feel like she lets her son run riot and she is taking the piss out of me in my own home. I'm doing dinner for mutual friends tonight as a kind of "farewell", but I kind of feel as if I'm fuming. AIBU or should I just let it go as she's at a tricky time with the move?

OP posts:
fc301 · 30/09/2017 11:27

She's your friend.
They're going through a difficult time.
You were happy to agree to help.
So just ride it out till they go but ...
HAVE A LONG MEMORY OF THIS AND DO NOT AGREE TO HOST THEM AGAIN. You have done enough.

StaplesCorner · 30/09/2017 11:29

Entirely agree with the "if you don't like it you know what you can do" comment, I'd say that - but otherwise yeah its only till Monday. Grit your teeth!!

BlurryFace · 30/09/2017 11:29

As if you have to think your house is Downton Abbey to want people to eat at the table rather than scatter mess all over! When I was a girl if I didn't sit and eat nicely I was sent to eat in the knackered old greenhouse where the cats ate, and my parent's home is more like the Dingles cottage from Emmerdale than sodding Downton Abbey!

What a rude, snotty cow you have there, OP!

Hobbes8 · 30/09/2017 11:31

I think both of those references are having a dig at your house for having rules that she perceives as old fashioned. It doesn't sound like her child has as many boundaries as yours do. Still rude, but I don't think she's implying an affair.

Whocansay · 30/09/2017 11:32

I wouldn't read much into those comments. She probably thinks it's funny and doesn't mean anything by it. If she's comparing your house to Downton Abbey I would assume she's a bit envious, tbh.

I wouldn't necessarily bring up what she's already said as that time has passed, but I would pick her up on it if she says something again though. And point out that you're helping her out and the snide digs are not appreciated. She doesn't exactly sound grateful. You're doing her a massive favour!

Butterymuffin · 30/09/2017 11:33

Perhaps the MN classic 'did you mean to be so rude?' might be useful for the remainder of her stay.

Viviennemary · 30/09/2017 11:34

Say sorry but this isn't working. And that she and her son must go. Your home will be shut up for winter and the servants are coming tomorrow to put the dust sheets on. In a word kick her out.

BakedBeans47 · 30/09/2017 11:34

What a rude bitch! What a way to speak to someone who is letting you stay in their home!

LucilleBluth · 30/09/2017 11:37

You have more rigid house rules than her, hence the Downtown Abbey, and that's ok. I don't have many house rules, I'm quite liberal with my DCs, I wouldn't make them sit at the table if they didn't want to or force food down them, but I would make them follow rules at a guests house.

Does your DH look like Jon Hamm? Is he strict? I don't think it's an affair thing.

Moving countries is very stressful, you've done a nice thing helping her out, I would cut her some slack and think of some witty retort when she has a dig.

StaplesCorner · 30/09/2017 11:39

Yeah witty retort like "if you don't like it you know what you can do". That should make things clear!

AlternativeTentacle · 30/09/2017 11:40

Perhaps the MN classic 'did you mean to be so rude?' might be useful for the remainder of her stay.

Or that other one, 'respect that you are living in my house for free, tidy up your mess, parent your child or get the fuck out if you don't like it'?

SpringBreak · 30/09/2017 11:41

I hope for your sake that she's moving somewhere that you'd all like to visit on holiday, and do so. For longer than three days.

Cubanito · 30/09/2017 11:41

Our house is a far cry from Downton Abbey, I can confirm that.
We do have different parenting styles. I remember once in Starbucks when her son was about 3 - she was letting him run riot and a woman came up to ME (thinking he was mine) and shouted at me that I should be ashamed because his behaviour was a disgrace!
She does think DH is quite strict with the kids and he can come across as a bit formal at times. But I would not allow my kids to do as they like in someone else's house. She just doesn't seem to care.

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 30/09/2017 11:42

She's being horribly rude-I can't imagine any of my friends speaking to me like that! What are you going to do about it?

Enko · 30/09/2017 11:45

Tonight when dinner is over say to her. Your turn to do the dishes I think. Show her you have expectations. Make sure her 7 year old knows eating in the living room at your place is not acceptable doesbt matter what he is used to at home he is a visitor in your home.

It is ok to call her on comments but personally i would just ask in a puzzled tone.. what do you mean by that each time she does make a comment.

And breathe through it or play friend bingo we can help you make a score card.

Kid doesnt eat what others do
Friend makes inappropriate comment
I am sure we can make others

Firesuit · 30/09/2017 11:48

The Don Draper comment I would take as a compliment about looks. I'm mystified that anyone who has watched the series thinks that's his relationships with women are all that defines him. If they think that it says more about their own preoccupations than it does about him. (No I haven't forgotten he's fictional!)

To me "Don Draper" means good-looking alpha male. That he shags a number of attractive women not all of whom he's married to at the time is just one way that characteristic expresses itself.

Nononono123 · 30/09/2017 11:49

Don draper is an alcoholic chauvinist... the affairs are just a small part of why he is such a crappy husband Hmm
I would be fuming ..

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 30/09/2017 11:51

How long is she going to be staying with you?

A couple more days and I'd probably let it ride, a couple more weeks and I'd have to say something.

Nononono123 · 30/09/2017 11:52

And the fact that don draper is good looking doesn't redeem him a bit...in my view

RubyGoat · 30/09/2017 11:55

"We eat in the kitchen. And please could you ensure that the remnants of your son's food is removed from the sofa this morning." If she's paying for the wasted food it's her problem, but if not, I think I'd at least mention it if it happens again. And never be available for a repeat visit.

Auburn2001 · 30/09/2017 11:56

If you google images of Don Draper you'll see he does an awful lot of standing around looking unimpressed. He also appears old fashioned in Mad Men at times.

Your friend's comment is all to do with her having a dig at you and your DH for daring to have boundaries. Very rude as she is staying in your house!

eddielizzard · 30/09/2017 12:01

when is she leaving?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2017 12:05

She's going through a hugely stressful time. Moving countries for the first time with a child in tow is pretty tough. Especially as she doesn't want to be there and having to follow her dh so he's not even with her. She sounds resentful of everything and everyone right now. If she's not normally like this, I'd put it down to stress. Although as a pp said, I'd not have her back again.

Cubanito · 30/09/2017 12:13

I will ask her what she means by the comment about this actor. DH is tall and dark hair, but is not a lookalike, nor American - he is British/Cuban! Over the years she has insinuated that she thinks I pander to DH too much. I don't actually, but from the outside our relationship could look quite traditional to some people. I think he possibly winds her up in some way. Not by anything he says, just by the way he is. Yet, today she is the one leaving me with a mess and DH is out entertaining her child while she "supervises" cleaners in her house. Thankyou for all the comments and I will ask her about this.

OP posts:
purits · 30/09/2017 12:13

Where is she moving to? If it's a nice holiday destination then I would just suck it up for a few days.Wink

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