AIBU to be pissed off with hearing this phrase from DH?

[KitKat1985]

'If you want me to do something, just tell me'.

Basically this phrase means to me that he doesn't ever take the initiative to plan or think about what needs doing and that I'm apparently in charge of everything around the house and he'll do something if I 'delegate' it to him but otherwise won't think to do it. Why do I always have to be the one that thinks about what needs doing domestically? Like what cleaning needs doing, or that we're about to run out of bread, or that we need to buy a present for a party at the weekend. Why can't he ever work out for himself that if the laundry bin is full that probably means we need to put some laundry on without me having to specifically point it out? Or that it will never occur to him to hoover or clean anything unless I've specifically asked him to do it? He's 36 and not an idiot FFS. Surely he can take some responsibility for thinking sometimes about what needs to be done sometimes without me having to specifically ask?

AIBU? I know I'm lucky that he will do stuff if I ask him to do it which is better than some men, but I just find it so irksome that it's never off his own back. He always has to be asked to do something.

There is a canvas propped up on the floor in the down stairs loo that has been there for months. I asked my DP to put it up you see... useless!!!!

I swear that you have actually read my mind and this is about my own dh! Why the hell can't you see the laundry basket is full without me having to tell you? Or that the dishes need washing? Or any of the million other things I have to remember? The bloody housework fairy doesn't work here either so I must remember without being reminded! It makes me sooooo cross.
In answer to the pp, I did once make a list. Separated the jobs into days so no one day had too much to do. Wrote down every job for each day. Stuck it on the front of the fridge in the most visible place possible. Still didn't get done! I do work part time compared to his full time but am on my feet as a nurse compared to his sedentary desk based engineering job. I do most of the childcare for both dc, most of the housework and earn almost as much too. Is it too much to ask that he does something without considering it 'helping' or expecting a bloody medal for doing something?
Rant over and breathe!

Be careful what you wish for people. Without being 'judgy' or in any way lecturing I just want to say that my hubby passed away five months ago and I would now give anything to still be picking up after him - he wasn't the tidiest of blokes, and yes, he was a master of walking past a job that needed doing, but now I know that those things aren't important. I do think that men are basically not programmed for housework and so it doesn't register with them - no amount of nagging will change that. I now understand that the things we most dread come out of the blue when you least expect them, and I wish I'd known then what I know now.

Sending you hugs Pam. Definitely puts my moaning in perspective

It's so common and definitely infuriating. I hope DSx2 have got my message on this, but I doubt it!
Drives me potty

Oh god this is horribly familiar. ExDP used to say 'just ask'. I asked him every night to load the dishwasher. Every night he'd say 'in a minute' then take root on the sofa for the night and leave it. I'd remind him before we went to bed and he'd say 'I'm tired, I'll do it in the morning' In the morning he was in too much of a rush to get to work so he'd leave it again.
And he wondered why I never fancied a shag

I remember ringing him on my way home from work one night at 8.30pm to say I'd been delayed and wouldn't be home for another hour. He was still at work (self employed) I really hoped he'd say 'I'll go home and make dinner then' but what he actually said was 'oh I'll just stay at work until you get home then'

Hugs Pam

I was on a chat show 20 years ago to talk about being childfree by choice . After id introduced myself and explained the reasons why id made that choice they brought out a couple whose child had died.

I was a bit gobsmacked at the time (i was a lot younger then) but as the time and the years went on i realised it was to try and make me feel guilty and change the course the show was going in (it didnt work as loads of the audience members actually agreed with my reasons.)

Im sorry for your loss Pam but i dont believe that men arent programmed to see housework. My husband is 67 (23 yrs my senior) so i suspect much older than some of the DHs being spoken about here and he has never left a pair of boxers on the floor in all our 25 and a half years together pre or post his disabilities.

As i say Pam sympathies to you But men dont have different eyesight to women just by dint of having a penis.

Actually, I think 'programmed' may be an appropriate term. There's nothing inherent in being a man or a woman that makes a person better or worse at taking responsibility for housework and childcare (other than BF of course). Its to a large extent down to socialisation. Not the hardware; the software, the programming.

Fortunately it is possible to debug upgrade software.

this is fun, I like this thread.

my DP tells me he will take the bins out FOR ME it's great..... hmmm... he always needs praise so that's what I give him, it's like when you treat a dog they will do the trick more and more 😂😂

HelenaDove. Not sure of the meaning of the tale of the chat show, but rest assured I wasn't trying to make anyone feel guilty, or change the direction of the discussion. I used the word 'programmed' because upbringing and environment have a lot to do with it - and not, as you point out 'just by dint of having a penis' !! My husband was 67 when he passed away. He was the baby of the family, had a doting mum and three sisters, so definitely wasn't programmed for housework - and he freely admitted it. The only message I was trying to get across is that when you lose your partner it puts all the day to day niggles into perspective and I know through bitter experience that grief makes you feel enormously guilty about the smallest things - it's part of the process, and I wish I hadn't nagged him about his failure to empty the kitchen bin as promised, two weeks before finding out he was dying of lung cancer and hadn't told me that he had been feeling unwell for some time. I beat myself up for that every day, along with about a thousand other things that I didn't realise were significant at the time. Just trying to impart a bit of hard earned wisdom - like I said, not judging and not preaching (I hope). Anyway, back on topic now.

I get what you mean Pam, it does put things into perspective. So sorry for your loss.

I don’t tend to get uptight or stressed about my DPs lack of housework/cooking - he is a good man and that is perfect for me.

However for all of us, at times, when the day has been hard and you just want one less thing to do it is natural to get a bit peeved.

OH MY GOD THIS IS MY LIFE!!!!
My OH is 41 though.....
Drives me mental!!!!

pam My DH is an only child. So you may have something there.

He has emphysema and ischemic heart disease and arthritis. He had a massive heart attack back in 2006 and nearly died. In fact his heart did stop and had to be restarted.

There are certain household chores he does not do because he cant do them as he gets too out of breath like changing bedsheets cleaning the bath, unloading washing machine etc.

So i do them but in this case its not because he doesnt want to do them but because he cant. Completely not his fault.

He would absolutely love the CHOICE of whether to do these chores or not but due to illness that choice has been taken away from him.

So he would love to have the privilege of being able to choose whether he does chores or not. Instead of not being able to due to illness. Which is a privilege some of the DHs of some of the posters on here have that my DH no longer has!!

My delightful dh needed instructions as to which compartment to put the washing powder in. I then discovered he'd put powder in the fabric conditioner bit. I bit my lip and said nothing as they were his clothes. A few days later doing another wash, he asked again.. Which compartment..? I said the middle one to avoid ambiguity this time.. So he empties load and starts to complain how his shirt collars aren't clean and how useless this new washing machine is. I decided to help by adding detergent to the collar and washing each collar as I know it can be a bit stubborn getting the collars clean. I then put them in the machine, go to put the washing powder in only to find that it is full. He clearly didn't turn the effing machine on. Just press and check that it's doing its thing. After 30 effing years... He does know.. He just can't be bothered to think for himself.

Sorry for your losses, though..I know I shouldn't complain as perspective is important in the great scheme of things.

Thanks to whoever posted the Moana Youre Welcome parody upthread. It was perfect!

There was one incident that really brought home to me that xh just considered everything to be automatically for me to know and him not to bother.
We'd just got our council tax bill after moving to a new place. I'd opened it and left the bill on the table so I'd remember to pay it.
XH came home, stood in front of the table and then shouted to me in the other room 'I see we got the council tax bill. How much is it?'
His first instinct was to assume I'd automatically remember the exact number and to ask me instead of looking at the piece of paper that was right in front of him.

My OH has a terrible habit of adding "...yet" onto his excuses, as if he was planning all along when we both know full well he'd forgotten/not noticed/had no intention of it all along.

I now call him on it every single time. He is getting better.

My DH knows now that he is expected to help me cook. However, he very rarely offers, I have to ask him. He then does one task - e.g. peeling and chopping carrots, then goes away. He never says, 'done the carrots, what next?' Doesn't even lay the table without being asked.

To be fair to him though he always cleans up afterwards & does a great job.

I also get the "I've laid the table for you."

I used to get this. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know. Well, yes, there is actually. You could take a look around our home, and consider all the jobs that need doing, pick one, and do it. That would help.

I also used to get this:
DH: I've put the laundry in the machine for you.
Me: Huh? Why did you only wash my stuff?
DH: Huh? What do you mean?
Me: Well, you said you put the washing in for ME. Why didn't you put some of your own clothes in as well?
DH: .....I did.
Me: Ah, so you didn't do the laundry for me, then? You did it because it needed to be done. Because you know it's not my job that you're helping with.

Not quite as bitchy as it seems on paper, but he got the point that there's no way this shit domestic is mine just because I have boobs.

I must say, he got that message really easily, as he hates macho bullshit, and was horrified he'd fallen into the same trap. He really is rather amazing. However - don't put up with that shit!

I love it when I get told things like "I did the washing up for you" or "I brought the washing in for you" or my real favourite "I looked after the kids for you!" Like none of these things have anything to do with him . LOL

Nope, you're not! Hubby exact same my end. He'll be 40 in Feb & we have a 2 year old.

An example: i have pretty much always been breadwinner, responsible one, she who pays the bills, but grates more since Aug last year when we relocated from 2 bed flat in one area to 3 bed house in another. He decided didn't want to be a teacher anymore after half year as NQT & so ended up working p/t 16 hrs a week for dominos. Started cab driver job 34 hrs a week approx 3 weeks ago. This week he's working Tues, Thurs & then Fri & Sat nights - estate agent property inspection next Mon 10am (have day booked off - tyke back at nursery f/t last 3 weeks as can afford it bit more now). We need to clean house - he knew he needed to do upstairs today & i'll do downstairs Sun / mon morning (i also have to do a job app - better paid by next Mon). I work f/t & commute roughly 3 hrs a day.

I rung him at 3pm (late 30 min lunch) & had to remind him / make him do a room of upstairs - I mean was he just on X box or what???

For the sake of Pete!!!!

OP - I empathise, I really do, they just don't "see" shit & are immature men-children!!!

He had to do today as garden also need major work Wed & Fri daytime before inspection.

YANBU it drove me crazy when I was married. My female lodger doesn't need to be told anything, just does her share without ever being told.