AIBU to be pissed off with hearing this phrase from DH?

[KitKat1985]

'If you want me to do something, just tell me'.

Basically this phrase means to me that he doesn't ever take the initiative to plan or think about what needs doing and that I'm apparently in charge of everything around the house and he'll do something if I 'delegate' it to him but otherwise won't think to do it. Why do I always have to be the one that thinks about what needs doing domestically? Like what cleaning needs doing, or that we're about to run out of bread, or that we need to buy a present for a party at the weekend. Why can't he ever work out for himself that if the laundry bin is full that probably means we need to put some laundry on without me having to specifically point it out? Or that it will never occur to him to hoover or clean anything unless I've specifically asked him to do it? He's 36 and not an idiot FFS. Surely he can take some responsibility for thinking sometimes about what needs to be done sometimes without me having to specifically ask?

AIBU? I know I'm lucky that he will do stuff if I ask him to do it which is better than some men, but I just find it so irksome that it's never off his own back. He always has to be asked to do something.

If my db's house is until it is my dsil who gets the blame!

@expatinscotland, I agree with you. I wouldn't marry someone like that either. But I was meaning that a woman would be judged far more harshly for letting things go to that extent, I think.

That was meant to say 'is untidy' not 'is until'

I could have written your post. So annoying.

The saying goes, it needs a 'woman's touch'. Why are women the ones who are expected to put a house to rights? We enable men to continue to act like a man child.

*Hence how he ends up buggering his car up when he doesn't do his own.

Do you take pleasure in seeing your husband fail? I don't understand why people get married when I read petty things like this.*

Yes I get immense pleasure from my husbands 'failures' as you put it. Particularly the ones that cost us unnecessary money or time or impact negatively on the rest of the family

But I'm a bad bad wifey who won't do the job I've asked my dh a million times to do, for him. Mainly because he's an adult and I'm not his mum. I shouldn't have to tell him to sort his own car out in the first place. Who would tell him if he wasn't married....?!!

Good for you, outabout. Proof that household incompetence is not inherited on the Y chromosome.

@Errol
There was very little household incompetence, we made a good team most of the time.

I decided not to wash OH towel to see how long it would take him to put it in the wash basket or actually wash it on his own. It's been 4 weeks so far. Eurgh.

WhyamIBoredathome Oh my word that is grim! Have you stopped physical relations while you carry out that experiment? I would not want to touch a man who was using the same towel after washing for four weeks. 😷

I hear you, OP. Yesterday morning, having been up all night with an ill newborn, I asked DH to get our older DD dressed. He let her get dressed in a thin cotton sundress, with bare arms and legs - bearing in mind it's almost October - and was genuinely astonished when I looked at him with bewilderment and asked him to put her in something more seasonal. He said he "just didn't know" that this clothing wasn't going to do the job in the last week of September.

He handles multi-million pound deals for the rest of the day.

Reallyquitealarmed: Yep, my DH once had to get DD1 ready for the day on his own (I was at work). He dressed her in shorts. It was January FFS. It's exactly this sort of inability to engage his own brain that does my head in. His response when I questioned it: 'how was I supposed to know what to dress her in? I don't normally do it'. Does he really have to be explicitly told that January isn't shorts weather?!?

I really struggle with this issue. I can't for a second say that my husband doesn't contribute to parenting and the related tasks. He often gets up in the night, puts them to bed most nights, loves spending time with the boys, he's happy to cook, wash up etc (although I mostly do that now while he's putting the twins to bed), cleans the floors etc. I am definitely not one of those women who can say her husband doesn't help out. However, I really struggle with being overwhelmed by the mental load. He doesn't use his initiative at all - for me, if I see a load of bottles by the sink, I wash them up. He walks past, as an example (he also hasn't made up a single bottle since they were 3 months old which is particular bugbear since I hate it!). I called him on this early on and he has improved a bit but it's still frustrating. One of the twins has a medical condition and if I was hit by a bus tomorrow he would have no idea of his medications, testing his blood sugar etc (I think maybe he's done it twice ever). I've brought this up so many times but nothing changes so now I have everything written down in a visible place and avoid buses 😂 I find it exhausting to be the mental keeper of all hospital appointments, dates, logistics.... it's exhausting. I've tried and tried but clearly it's not going to change and trying to change it is more exhausting! And I dong feel like I can really complain because he does do a lot around the house. Still, twins plus chronic pain and chronic fatigue is pretty exhausting as it is and I get really overwhelmed - wish the mental stuff was a bit more equal I guess.

Oh yeah, if I said "go and get clothes for them from their room" he wouldn't have the vaguest clue what to pick up, or even what size.

I’m a woman, I say the same to DH.

He says I don’t see mess. I say I see it, but it doesn’t need to be done right away. I will get to it eventually. We just hired a cleaner

I was gifted the opportunity to tell my friend's husband that this was not on- in front of my own husband and my very approving friend!
I do not want to always be 'guardian of the list'.

No you ANBU at all. My ex-Hwas like this never did anything till asked and then was nightmare.

New partner tried to say tell me what to do but have said no we are a partnership I am not in control. So far so good!

Thank you for this, it's been a bone of contention in our house for years, so I shared the thread...no comment from DH!!

Divide up th jobs 40:60 - you get the 40 share because you have the extra job of keeping track of the jobs. You'll do more only when you don't have to do that.

Ive had the same this weekend Op.
And had a right go at H saying that I didn't want to helped. We were team (or is I thought) and therefore I had no reason at all to delegate stuff to him and tell him to do x and y.
That he could use his own initiative, the same way he does when he is at work (he is high enough to have to use said initiative and to grumble about people who don't!!).
I had a 'bit I wasn't sure what you wanted to do and I didn't want to be in the way' whinny voice and looking like he was the victim.

Well sorry but no, it doesn't cut it. You're not avictime because you are expected to be a full member of the 'house team', aka one of the two cults in the hOuse.

"I'd come home on my work days (we split childcare) to washing up left, washing machine not emptied etc. when I'd say couldn't you have washed up? "You didn't ask me to""

A friend of mine nipped this in the bud by not paying a couple of bills until the final demands arrived. (she was the breadwinner)

when her OH asked her why they hadnt been paid she said "You didnt ask me to I thought thats how we were doing things now!!!

His shifting of the mental load to her stopped after that.

Get him to read Wifework! www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/0747561729?tag=mumsnetforum-21

And YY and about the mental load.

And the 'you know we really need to take Dc1 to '
Apparently that's enough for things to happen because he expects me to then do it because he has told me about it

I wish I had heeded those red flags!
DH is incapable of doing anything unless badgered for at least a week. And somethings just never get done. Have just bought a tube of tile adhesive, and am mending the six loose shower tiles, that cut our feet and have to be manually replaced every time we take a shower. His response to anything around the house, is that it bothers me, more than it bothers him!!

Yes, definitely get him to read the mental load.

Also, this is very funny video. It’s Moana’s ‘you’re welcome’ song but it’s a parody about a messy husband doing the bare minimum and expecting a round of applause for helping out 😂

m.youtube.com/watch?v=NoGmvaBqu_M