Is it normal for parents to give kids deposit?

[splendidisolation]

Just wondering what's "normal".

Re parents giving adult kids money for deposit on a house.

I read this a lot on MN and it kind of surprised me.

Is this the norm?

Do they give all the deposit?

Even if they're not minted?

Your experiences/thoughts please!

My parents are more keen to give me money for things like deposits and big purchases than I am to take it, TBH. I think they want to make up for a period in my childhood where we had very little money, and also because they never got much from their parents. OTOH they are not well off enough that they'd be able to buy me a car outright or pay for a whole deposit, but they'd always want to help out.

It is normal? In some circles, yes it is very normal. In my social circle, I don't know of many who haven't had financial help. I think people forget that their parents have helped in other ways even if they haven't handed over a cheque e.g. allowed their adult child to remain at home paying low rent or done regular childcare. Neither of our families are in a position to hand over large sums but they do little things that ease our financial burden and help us save such as; my mum does some of the childcare and MIL takes the children out shopping to update their wardrobes. I know we are incredibly lucky and don't take it for granted. I hope I am not entitled. If it all stopped tomorrow, I'd be grateful we've had that support for this length of time.

I think it's normal now for parents to help if they can. We had no help, but then we didn't need it since house prices were relatively a lot more affordable. Neither my nor dh's parents could have afforded to help us anyway. I did have cousins whose dad bought them a flat outright, but this was unusual then - late 60s.

Given how mad house prices have become, particularly in London and the SE, I would think it mean and selfish of parents not to help if they could reasonably comfortably afford to.

We have helped our two and have been more than happy to do so. But I am well aware that it's unfair on those who can't expect any help. I don't know when life ever was fair, though. As a child I longed painfully for various things my friends had but since I'd always been aware of money being very tight, I would never even ask my folks.

My parents paid for most of our wedding with a much smaller contribution from DH's parents and then both sets gave us an almost equal amount for a deposit. It gave us the opportunity to set ourselves up before starting a family. My parents aren't particularly well off but this was something they saved for all my life. We will be eternally grateful to them and intend to do the same for our own children.

I know someone who had a whole house bought for them but the catch was it was next door to their parents. No thanks.
When we downsize we will give some towards a house deposit.

I bought my own house 2 years ago on my 18th birthday. Received no financial help from my parents and it wasn't at all expected, but I bet if they could have afforded to help they would have.

Dog, wow, where do you live and how did you afford that at 18?

Im not sure if its normal or not.
I got no help whatsoever. Mum was sp and dad was an arsehole who shirked his c.care duties in favour of being a swinger.
The way i see it, i have no pension and reduced working years to acquire one. Due to taking time out of paid work to be sahm.
Why deplete that when adult child has max years to work and accumulate?
Ill help if i can but wont be getting loans in my name to pay fees deposits etc.

My FIL gave us our deposit for our flat. Without this incredibly generous gift, there's no way my DH and I would've got on the London property ladder (well not in the areas my DH would consider living in anyway!).

I love my parents dearly, but they have never been savers and they fritter their money away, and buy so much useless and cheap shite. They go super OTT at Christmas, Easter, Birthdays etc with the volume of presents, and always have done. As a result, they never ever have any savings, and are constantly well into their overdrafts.

I lived at home when studying at uni and didn't have to contribute towards living there, or food, but I also didn't receive a penny towards my tuition fees, books and equipment or travel costs. I had to get a tuition fee loan, and the maximum amount of maintenance loan they would allow me, and I took on a Saturday job, and overtime and seasonal employment. I used to enjoy some of my money, but saved an awful lot of it, as I didn't want to end up penniless.

With some of the money I saved, I travelled to Australia for 2 months, and stayed there quite comfortably too.

When I got engaged and told my parents I was going to get married and that it'd be in the next year, my parents told me to delay it by a year or two to give them a chance to save some money. I told them there was absolutely no way I was doing that (their past track record told me that I couldn't trust this would happen, and the years would pass and we'd still be at square one).

I used the rest of my savings to pay for 75% of my wedding and items necessary for it. I was fully prepared to do this, as I knew I couldn't rely on my parents to pay for many things for it. What I don't like though are false promises. My Mum complimented me on my wedding dress and accessories (all bought by me), and asked me how much they cost. I told her, and she wrote the figure down, and promised me that she would give me the money for them on our First Anniversary. I said it wasn't necessary, but she insisted. I've been married for 8 years now and still haven't seen one fucking penny of the money.

My DH's family have given us money when we moved into our flat, and when our DD was born, rather than buying lots of things that we don't like/need. My family on the other hand, buy lots of things for us, but the money would be much more useful for us than the items. They never listen though.

We've been in a very rough patch financially recently, and my DH's family have helped us so much in the past, that they are no longer able to help us anymore. I know that one of my parents has in recent years received a fairly large sum of money, and they know about our situation. They haven't once offered any help. I've hinted, enquired, and actually asked if they could help us. I was told 'no' outright, 'as they will need the money when they're older as they have no savings.' I was really hurt to be told this, and I ensured them it'd be a loan, but they just refuse. I have never messed anyone around with money, and so I can be trusted, but they just refuse to help. I think it's disgusting, and have told them so. I would give my children my last penny to help them, regardless of their age, and I expect all parents to do the same.

It pisses me off immensely, that in recent years, my Mum was in full time employment with her mortgage paid off, yet knee deep in overdraft and nearly £20,000 in debt. And who gave her an interest-free loan to pay it all off...her pensioner Mother who earned less than a third of what my Mum used to earn. She eventually paid her back in full, so one would think my Mum would empathise and lend me money. My Nan is lovely, but very strange in lots of ways, and has said that the only person she would ever lend money to is my Mum, so it looks like I might have to start selling my organs.

It feels better to get all of that off of my chest!

Argeles, some people are good with money and some aren't.
If you have a family memeber who has enough cash and the willingness to give it you are lucky, but not everyone has and no-one is entitled to handouts as gifts or loans.

I can see why you feel irritated at your parents spending habits and empty promises. However, I think you sound as if you are becoming really bitter about the current situation - and it's just not worth it. You hinted and even asked and received a clear answer. Now it's time to move on from this and accept you have to sort yourselves out financially. It's really not worth ruining the relationship with your parents over. The relationship must be worth more than the cash.

In the end, you've had help from the inlaws earlier - it's more than many get. Be glad of that and count your blessings, rather than what you think someone else ought to have given you. Focus on sorting your finances out so that in future you can be as self sufficient as possible and so you might be in a position to help your children in future. I'm sure you'll take lots from your experiences with both sets of parents and let those experiences influence how you behave with money. In the end, you can only be responsible for your own actions and not others and need to not let others' behaviour upset you to the point it creates bitterness.

I hope your financial problems get sorted and I hope your relationship with your family improves too.

In my circle of friends it's quite normal (none of us are at the home-owning stage yet but most of them are expecting/aware that their parents will help with deposit).

I won't. I have no intention of owning a home anyway; DH and I would rather rent permanently, but even if we intended to, my parents can't afford to give us money towards a deposit. I'd never accept it, I think it's important to work for things. So many people I went to uni with ran out of money the week after freshers because they assumed their parents would start a weekly contribution. Some did, some didn't and their kids were up shit creek then. They'd been given everything they wanted before and never had to consider budgeting.

Neither DH nor I received help to get on the housing ladder but property in London was still affordable when I first bought over 20 years ago. The situation is very different now. I plan to help my DC when they are older but I would think about doing some sort of matched funding approach. I might offer to match their savings or give them a multiple of what they had saved depending on what they were doing for a living. At least that way they would see a purpose in saving up and hopefully would develop good habits rather than just waiting for the BOMD.

It's a shockingly rare attitude you have on this thread, Ovaries. I'm surprised by the amount of entitlement shown here, however I think it's pretty clear MN is not representative of a cross section of society, seems to be very middle class/upper middle as in the real world the idea of giving your kids money for a mortgage is alien to many (pretty much nearly everyone I know).

Love cannot be bought and parents helping or not helping isn't a sign of love.

We had less extravagant childhoods but our parents said there was some money for either wedding or house abd we could decide when we were older what we wanted to do with it. It wasn't lots but as an adult I can see their logic.

I would probably want to do something similar for my own DC in time.

It's not entitlement though it's a sense of duty in some families, it's what their parents did for them and so the process continues. To be frank my MIL was horrified at the prospect of us bringing up our first child in rented accommodation. We didn't feel entitled to her money but frankly alot of it was inherited money, not money she earned. She lives a very indulgent life, dining out regularly so there is no hardship. I know someone who asked for a considerable sum for a house from his Father as he was drinking the family money away(being an alcoholic). To me that's common sense not entitlement.

my parents can't afford to give us money towards a deposit. I'd never accept it, I think it's important to work for things.

Yes, I too find it easy to turn down hypothetical things that aren't actually on offer to me.

My brother and sister in law got a deposit for their home in London in the early 00's they've benefited alot from property prices but frankly he's worked really hard and is in a very senior post in the City. Working hard and help with a deposit are not mutually exclusive. You are kidding yourself if you think in some way the route there has any effect on the outcome. You can feel self righteous about this but what difference does that make to the lives of someone who is in the same position as you but got a bit of help. None whatsoever, I can tell you now they don't think about it.

I'm surprised by the amount of entitlement shown here

how is giving MY kids MY money giving me a sense of entitlement?

If parents were not helping out in the real world, there wouldn't be any first time buyers in my area.

Argyle I agree with Chocolate wombat just be grateful one set has been able to help, it's usually one set it sounds like your parents have massive money issues and probably do need that money!

KityGlitr, why is it entitlement to say it would be a pleasure to be able to help our children if we can- which is what most of us are saying?

My widowed grandmother worked hard at a gruelling job so as to be able to put her son through sixth form. It was her pleasure to do so.

On the other side of the family, my grandfather's mother (also widowed), what with a small-holding and 11 children to support, was not able to help him much but a local school teacher found the money to sponsor him through teaching seminary. Presumably it gave him pleasure.

My grandfather was not an entitled man, nor was my father, but they gratefully accepted that there were people out there who wanted to help them and wanted to see them do well. That is the attitude I recognise in my dd: she is not grabby or entitled, but if I can give her a hand up then she will take it because she will recognise that it is something I want to do.

In the poor farming communities my family come from, it was normal to help by letting your children stay at home, or come home when they needed it- which is something lots of parents seem to resent these days. It was normal to send food parcels to a child who was working or studying elsewhere. Families helped each other: that's not just a middle or upper class concept.

Struggling with our own bills here so no way could we find deposits for all 3 children.

I shall be encouraging them to stay with us, work and save

I save for my kids every month. So does my mum, and so does my brother. I won't be too strict neither will they, as it'll be the kids to do as they want with ultimately but I'll encourage them to have driving lessons or save it until they really need it for example. We will all always help them as much as we possibly can even when they are adults. My grandad saves for them too but has emphasised what he gives them will be purely for "having a good time"! We aren't a rich family at all but are all quite relaxed with each other with money and if someone has it and someone else needs it we spread it where it's needed. E.g. We all paid my mum's dogs m extortionate vets bill between us. My family are I've realised from reading on mumsnet very generous with my kids. Dh family have much more money than mine but are much less generous which of course is completely up to them and 100% fine. The kids will be very well off from them at some point and able to both buy houses outright if they wanted but obviously no one wants that!!!

Chocolate , admittedly I live in the North West so house prices are a lot lower than say London.
Honestly buying a house has always been a priority for me. I started saving at 13 and told my parents that I was saving my money in order to buy a house 🤣 I got my first job when I was 13 (16 hours a week, weekends and school holidays only) and then once I was 16 started working in the evenings too. Became self employed at 17 and then left college and did my a levels through a distance learning course so I could focus on my business.
I'd much prefer to be living in the nearest city but house prices are just far too much so for the moment I'm a 20 minute drive away. I'm just thankful to be on the housing ladder at all really.

I haven't seen many say they are entitled to their parents' money. Many have said they have received, or are due to receive. Very different.

I don't know about normal but I hope to be able to do this for our children. The deposit for our first house came from an inheritence from my great aunts. They both worked and saved all their lives and my sister and I were the only 'children' they had. We were incredibly lucky. Before them our family were very, very working class (think mill and coal mine workers of the 1900's). Good education and Grammar schools have been the making of my family.
I would be sad if all they have given me can't be passed onto my children due my mis-management of their inheritence.