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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it normal for parents to give kids deposit?

271 replies

splendidisolation · 29/09/2017 10:29

Just wondering what's "normal".

Re parents giving adult kids money for deposit on a house.

I read this a lot on MN and it kind of surprised me.

Is this the norm?

Do they give all the deposit?

Even if they're not minted?

Your experiences/thoughts please!

OP posts:

AccrualIntentions · 29/09/2017 10:49

Mine did, because they could and they wanted to, but it wasn't expected.

5rivers7hills · 29/09/2017 10:50

It is very common, yes.

Otherwise it is pretty difficult to save up a deposit.

Pretty shit tho in terms of social/wealth mobility. Those with better off parents can get 'on the property ladder' and get an appreciating asset whilst those without have much less security. Also no inheritance tax to pay if you get the gift early enough.

I benefited from my parents gifting me a large sum of cash for a house. Potentially they wouldn't have done that if I hadn't been working hard and aching well at work.

abigamarone · 29/09/2017 10:50

I am shocked by some posters who think that children are no longer their responsibility once they reach 16, or 18. It's different if you really cannot afford it, but refusing to help your own children feels weird. Isn't that what parents are for?
I'm surprised that some posters conflate 'not handing over thousands of pounds to grown adults' with washing their hands of their children once they reach 16-18. I'll help mine if I can, but I won't be handing over all my spare cash and I certainly won't do it from a sense of duty.

TeenTimesTwo · 29/09/2017 10:51

My DDs are unlikely to go into well paid jobs.

But if they work hard and show themselves to be financially sensible with their money and life, then yes when the time comes we will gift / loan money for a heft deposit.

(We might choose to 'loan' dependent on relationship situation, as we wouldn't want to provide 50-80k only to see it disappear in a divorce settlement 2 years down the line.)

thecatsthecats · 29/09/2017 10:51

My parents had a deposit for each of us. £10k each, mostly set aside from inheritances.

My brother took the £10k as his whole deposit. My sister is taking it all as a 'loan' that my parents won't want repaying. She's possibly taking more, because I accepted £3k only, to help us maintain our savings buffer on top of the deposit we saved between us (£55k). I told them sis needed the money, because she's desperate to start a family and we're better off. My DPs family didn't have anything for us, but are giving us a generous house warming present.

I don't make any financial planning decision based upon what someone may or may not be able to give me. However I do try and remember my privilege that I come from a secure financial background, and will likely share in the inheritance of a few significant estates (parents, an aunt and an uncle - both childless - all with estates in the 500k+ bracket).

Equimum · 29/09/2017 10:51

Amongst our close friends, DH and I are the only ones who did not get given a sizeable chunk towards a deposit (we got £50 as a housewarming present from my mum, and a photo frame from DH's parents).

We have quite a nice house now, and we are expecting to sell when we no longer need the room, so that we can help our children. It.

5rivers7hills · 29/09/2017 10:52

but in my experience buying property in London in your late twenties or early thirties without family money is rare, even if you have a high-paying job. Which is depressing.

I agree with this.

I don't know anyone who has bought in London without a parental addition to the deposit.

WonderLime · 29/09/2017 10:52

No deposit or university fees (or support) here, and we still haven't got married as we can't really afford it.

DP's parents helped us with a couple of things in the house (around £1000) when we moved in, but we saved ourselves. DP's parents and my DF probably could have helped us with a deposit, but we didn't ask and they didn't offer. I prefer knowing that I did it myself though.

That said, I will help my DS out with a deposit if I can afford it when he's older. I know how hard it is to get on the ladder.

PoisonedIvy · 29/09/2017 10:52

I think it is becoming increasingly normal but I think it's really weird. I massively judge people who get help buying their house from their parents because most people don't have parents with thousands of pounds of spare cash to throw around. Most of us have to work hard, earn and save to afford our homes.

nobutreally · 29/09/2017 10:52

Neither my or dh's parents gave us anything towards our first house move : didn't expect it. When we got married we actively chose not to take much money from them as we wanted our wedding not theirs,iykwim. Although both families bought us something (e.g. Mum paid for my dress; dhs parents for the flowers iirc)

Katie2017 · 29/09/2017 10:53

"I don't think whether or not you give a deposit affects how your children will look after you in old age. Love cannot be bought!
My mum has never had money to give but she gave me love which is worth more and I will always look after her." That's why I specified if the parents can afford it, but withholding money when you can afford it and watching them struggle just seems mean, I'm not sure how likely they'd be to want to help out in return later on.

burninghigh · 29/09/2017 10:53

Mu mum helped me. My in laws didn't help my husband. I think my inlaws are tight.

BadgersBum · 29/09/2017 10:53

My DP's gave me the money for a deposit after I split with the ex ... the cynical side of me says that they did it to stop me from wanting to move back in with them . In reality they didn't want me to have to live on my own in a really bad area or pay someone else's mortgage with rent money as that's all I'd have been able to afford. When I got married we had a really low key wedding which we were going to pay for, but they insisted on paying for the meal afterward and the bar bill.

Trampire · 29/09/2017 10:54

I bought in Bristol back in the 90's. I got no deposit off my parents and wouldn't have expected it.
To be fair it was the time the banks were much more willing and I managed to save £7,000 as a deposit which was enough,

FittonTower · 29/09/2017 10:54

My mum lent me some towards my house deposit, my husband had more savings than me and my mum had just inherited some money so leant me that to ensure we both put equal into the house. I've paid every penny back though.

27Feb · 29/09/2017 10:54

The majority of people I know who are home owners either had large gifts from mum and dad, or a large inheritance or both. I don't know if it's fair or right (and it sucks in terms of social mobility) but it seems to very much be the way it is.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves · 29/09/2017 10:55

It is not normal. A lot of people I know have boomeranged back home to save for their deposits, so I parents are helping in that way.

Branleuse · 29/09/2017 10:55

i think it probably depends on what social class you come from as to whether its the norm. I certainly dont think its a thing in most working class households

gabsdot · 29/09/2017 10:56

Here in Dublin rents are mental so when the time comes I'd rather help my kids buy a house rather than rent for years and never be able to save or have them live with me indefinitely, (the horror)

Katie2017 · 29/09/2017 10:56

I'm surprised that some posters conflate 'not handing over thousands of pounds to grown adults' with washing their hands of their children once they reach 16-18. I'll help mine if I can, but I won't be handing over all my spare cash and I certainly won't do it from a sense of duty.

Just don't expect them to care about you when you're old then out of a sense of duty that's all.

MargaretCavendish · 29/09/2017 10:57

I agree that it's awful for social mobility and that I wish things weren't this way. What I do find very strange, though, are parents who could easily afford to help and refuse on the grounds that 'you'll get it when I'm gone'. Again, I'm only talking about people who could easily afford it, but if you can I don't see why you'd rather give it when it makes the biggest difference.

nobutreally · 29/09/2017 10:58

For ref: my mum lives alone in a five bed house with a large garden. Her mum helped her substantially with her house purchases over the years. So whilst it's her money/life/I would never ask, I'm afraid (esp when I read stories on here) I do judge her a little, and I would want to help my children out with their house buying.

coddiwomple · 29/09/2017 10:58

I don't know anyone who has bought in London without a parental addition to the deposit.

I do, but they are people now in their 40s. I agree that 20 year olds nowadays don't have a chance on a regular salary. Even bonuses have gone down, banks don't offer 0% loans to their employees any more, and mortgage lender are much more strict. I can't see how my own kids will be able to buy a house whilst paying rent if they work in London.

Wherever they chose to live, as long as they have a career, I would be more than happy to help. It will give them a better life, might mean they can chose to start a family earlier if they wish, or don't live off pasta for the first 10 years.

By the time your kids reach 18, you should have educated them with a good work ethic anyway, too late if you haven't.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 29/09/2017 10:59

My parents weren't able to help me with a deposit in a direct sense, but last year both of my parents sadly lost both of their parents and so I was gifted some of the small inheritance they received to help dp and I get on the ladder. At 25, I feel beyond grateful for their generosity, selflessness and support. They're amazing.

Amanduh · 29/09/2017 11:00

Hardly anybody I know has parents that can afford to fork out for a deposit these days, especially if they have more than one DC. The ones I do know are either very wealthy or have parents or grandparents who have died and left money.

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