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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to pay the fine rather than send DD to school for a week her class are away?

140 replies

MardyMatilda · 29/09/2017 01:36

Long story short but DD is meant to go away for a residential trip in Spring term consisting of 3 nights and 4 days.
She is year 3 and will be 7 1/2 by this point being born late July.
She is adament she doesn't want to go.
We have explained to her they will be doing lots of work up to and after the trip however she gets very upset and weve always agreed not to force it if she doesn't want to do it.
But I'm now wondering if it would actually be more beneficial for her to go away to the same destination, not the same site of course but so that she gets to see the location and can join in with class discussion on their return.
I know I'll be fined and as a single mum I'll also have to take younger DD out who by then will be in YR 1, so am I looking at £120, is it £60 per child per period or per day?
Any help massively appreciated.
We have the discussion evening tomorrow with the not at all friendly head and I'm dreading it.

OP posts:
CathyMedici · 29/09/2017 01:57

Don't have conversation with the Head, just don't sign the permission slip.

I don't think your DD would benefit from a trip to the location but she'd probably enjoy a week at home with you. Say she's ill, otherwise it will be £60 fine for the week payable by you. Plus £60 payable by her dad (unless he is deceased)

Hellywelly10 · 29/09/2017 02:00

Not all of the kids go on school trips. Some stay at school for the week (for various reasons) the school can't make her go. I would talk to her about why she doesn't want to go? And try to discuss it with the class teacher.

Topseyt · 29/09/2017 02:07

Just don't sign the permission slip.

If she does not want to go then fine, but I wouldn't then go on a family break to the same location at the same time. That would be ridiculous. If she doesn't go then she will have to go to school during that week as usual. That is the choice.

Original poster
MardyMatilda · 29/09/2017 06:19

I'm happy to pay the fine rather than have her have to go into another year group.
She is the only child I know of that won't be going.
Apparently this trip takes up a lot of before and after with work surrounding it hence me thinking it might be a good idea to actually visit it!

OP posts:
Temporaryanonymity · 29/09/2017 06:24

Why doesnt she want to go? Could you help her with that?

siblingrevelryagain · 29/09/2017 06:24

I'm with pp-she should be free to make the choice (it seems very young for a residential-our primary do it in yr 6), but her choice should be go or stay in school, not go or have lovely time with mom.

It would be weird and inappropriate for you to go and be nearby. You and she will just have to accept that her involvement in this topic of work will be limited.

Dancinggoat · 29/09/2017 06:25

I think taking her for a visit is a lovely idea. It will really help her see that trips away are ok. It's probably the unknown that's making her nervous and this would help her in the future and not feel so left out now.

NewIdeasToday · 29/09/2017 06:26

If the whole class is going she will really miss out by not attending. Personally I would be working on supporting her confidence development so that she is happy to go and get the most out of this opportunity. Education is about social development as well as knowledge development and this sounds like a really great opportunity.

LindyHemming · 29/09/2017 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flumpybear · 29/09/2017 06:32

Wow my DD in year 2 had a one night residential - although we were all scared we let her do it and all the kids
Went and wanted to go

THREE NIGHTS!!! I wouldn't want her to go either!!

Personally I'd book a trip
To centre parxs
That week Wink

upsidedown2017 · 29/09/2017 06:40

This was me many years ago. I had to sit in school for 5 days on my own sat isolated on a desk facing a wall in a corner in an unfamiliar classroom with unfamiliar people. pretty horrific and traumatic if you ask me. Why should a child be punished like that for being too anxious to go an a residential? There is absolutely no reason to be punishing a child.

Perhaps the poster who said said 'either she goes on the residential or goes to school, that is the choice, not having fun with mum' can explain her reasoning ffs?

If I was in this position having gone through it myself I would be keeping DD at home most definitely. No, I wouldn't be going to the same area. I would try to incorporate lots of learning opportunities through her week off though. If you want to avoid the fine you could say she's ill but personally (as I can afford it anyway) out of principle I prefer to be totally honest - you are doing nothing wrong FFS - a lot of kids can't handle being pushed into situations like this, you are doing the best thing for your daughter. I have a friend who is a guides/brownies leader and she says she hates taking the younger ones and has found that it traumatises them so much that afterwards they refuse to go anywhere for years.

I don't think the fine is inevitable by the way. I kept DD off for 2 days for a different reason but instead of pretending she was ill I gave my full reasoning - the headteacher was completely respectful and understanding and although it had to be noted as unauthorised he stated that he would not be reporting to the local authority (and therefore insisting on a fine) as he was not concerned about it. Explain your reasoning for keeping her off - you will homeschool for the week - sending her into school to sit on her own all week feels like a punishment which she doesn't deserve - what would she do at break times and lunch? She'd have nobody to play with? Everyone at the school would be pointing and starting and gossiping that she's the kid who is too scared to go on a residential Shock

This thread is making me angry. Why can't we give kids a break and be a bit more understanding? They are just kids!

theboud · 29/09/2017 06:41

Have you spoken to school about her worries? For me the first step would be to work through a possible compromise where she could attend the trip with her class not to plan to take her alongside.

I'm guessing she won't be the first child to have concerns. Our school do a one night residential in y2 and several children have concerns leading up to the trip but in 3 years they've only had one child not go. They have lots of strategies to build confidence in the children. You might have a more helpful conversation with the head of you start from the position of 'How can school support my child to do this' rather than 'my child isn't doing this but I'm going to bring her and her sibling along to stay nearby'

Original poster
MardyMatilda · 29/09/2017 06:50

Appreciate the replies
I've already had a meeting with her teacher who has spoken to her at length about why she doesn't want to go
It isn't a place were ever visited and a about a 4 hour drive but we went there on the weekend before school started again just in case that was the reason she didn't want to go.
It's being away from home.
She gets like it even going to grandparents and on the few occasions she has stayed over has either had to sleep in bed with my mum or come home as so upset.
She's very outgoing in every other way and will trot off with friends for the day and so on but bedtimes she really still wants to be at home and with us.
I agree, I wouldn't send her to another classroom as she will be doing completely different work to them and will be isolated come lunchtime.
So it will be £240 if I took both out then for the 4 days Shock

OP posts:
Temporaryanonymity · 29/09/2017 06:53

Our school does residential trips from year 3 too. Last year out of a year group of 60 half didn't go. I am not sure what they did in school but it was very much expected that they would go.

Both my sons have loved the trips and it is the highlight of the school year for them both. I swear they both came back from the year 3 trip slightly more mature and confident. I had great quality time with the sibling that was left behind too.

Original poster
MardyMatilda · 29/09/2017 06:54

This is a very small village school so i know all the other parents and no kids aren't going
Even the ones crying every night about it - are still going

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 29/09/2017 06:55

My son hates the class trip to the panto.
School was unhappy about him "missing out" so the first year I persuaded him to go. Apparently he sat with his coat over his head.
The next year he just went into the year above a class and he had a lovely time.

Blueberrysandgrapes76 · 29/09/2017 06:57

Send her on the trip. You'll cause so much damage by not making her go.

Has she had counselling for her attachment issues? If not maybe that would be a good place for your money rather than paying a school fine which will just make her worse long run.

Can you go on the trip as a parent helper?

goldensyrupisshit · 29/09/2017 07:00

Agree with Blueberry.

Acopyofacopy · 29/09/2017 07:00

Don't make her go, and don't send her into another class either.

Most definitely don't go to the same place at the same time, though. That's just bonkers!

LellyMcKelly · 29/09/2017 07:03

I would find ways of building her confidence to enable her to do what all the other kids are doing. She will miss out on so much shared learning, fun activities, and bonding with her classmates. Both of mine went away for 5 days in Year 4, and still talk about those days with affection, years on.

londonrach · 29/09/2017 07:04

This was me when mŷ year went and i got left behind (parents didnt have the money). Was put into another class with younger children and one boy from my year was banned from going due to his behaviour. Felt like a punishment. My year never really spoke to me again after that propably. They all seemed the bond over it. I wanted to go. Op id support her re giving her confidence re going or id talk to the head and keep her home and do some school work at home.

StealthPolarBear · 29/09/2017 07:07

Are you in the UK op?
3 nights away at age 7, I'm amazed she's the only one not going tbh

Goodfood1 · 29/09/2017 07:11

You know your DD better than anyone. I think its sad but ok not to send her, I don't think you should go away though, send your other child to school normally and let DD1 decide between school in another class or home. I dont think you should or will be fined but you can discuss with head this morning.

disappearingninepatch · 29/09/2017 07:11

As PP suggested, why not take her to visit the area at half term and avoid the fine by sending her to school while her classmates are on their trip. She will probably be slotted into the Year 2 or Year 4 class.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 29/09/2017 07:14

If she was older I’d say I’d work on her going but she’s 7! I have a 7 year old ds and he is a confident happy little boy who is very sociable but he’d hate 3 night away from home. 7 is still very little there is plenty of time to work on this.