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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to pay the fine rather than send DD to school for a week her class are away?

140 replies

MardyMatilda · 29/09/2017 01:36

Long story short but DD is meant to go away for a residential trip in Spring term consisting of 3 nights and 4 days.
She is year 3 and will be 7 1/2 by this point being born late July.
She is adament she doesn't want to go.
We have explained to her they will be doing lots of work up to and after the trip however she gets very upset and weve always agreed not to force it if she doesn't want to do it.
But I'm now wondering if it would actually be more beneficial for her to go away to the same destination, not the same site of course but so that she gets to see the location and can join in with class discussion on their return.
I know I'll be fined and as a single mum I'll also have to take younger DD out who by then will be in YR 1, so am I looking at £120, is it £60 per child per period or per day?
Any help massively appreciated.
We have the discussion evening tomorrow with the not at all friendly head and I'm dreading it.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 29/09/2017 08:46

Like a PP I think you are unlikely to get fined as it is only 4 days.

I would be surprised if she is the only one not going.

However if she doesn't go, I think you should send her to school, and expect the school to do something appropriate with her. As she is young, maybe a week in y2 being the oldest for a change would be good for her confidence. For a lot of the time she can do the same work but to a higher level and they will like having a 'big girl' to join with so it is very unlikely she'll be on her own at playtime. She will learn stuff even if it is less tangible.

If you really want to visit the place, do it at the weekend just before/after they go.

Isetan · 29/09/2017 08:51

I think you need to take a step back. It's absolutely fine that she doesn't want to go but staying at home shouldn't be an option, it's term time and she should be in school. If the school doesn't have adequate contingencies for pupils who don't go on residential trips, than you need to talk to them but start as you mean to go on and don't start a precedent whereby hanging out at home becomes an alternative.

shhhfastasleep · 29/09/2017 08:52

Trip away is far too long for a Y3. Normally, I would follow the rules but I wouldn’t want mine to do it.

Mamabear4180 · 29/09/2017 08:56

I think it's ridiculous to take year 3 on a residential for 3 nights and I'd be pissed off with this. I have a summer born myself (not in school yet) and I wouldn't be at all comfortable with overnight trips at just 7.

I'm amazed she's the only one not going?

I wouldn't take her out of school that week because it will be really obvious she's skiving! However I would make a complaint that I felt the residential was inappropriate for her age and the implications of not being able to relate to her classmates discussions on return.

steppemum · 29/09/2017 08:59

Trip away is far too long for a Y3

no it isn't, many year 3 are fine on a trip like this.
It is however too long for EVERY year 3, and to make the compulsory residential in year 3 and 3 nights means that there will be a significant number who are unhappy.

I noticed that OP said there are other unhappy kids, crying about it, but being forced to go. That is ridiculous.

But in principle, an optional trip for 3 night at this age is fine.
All mine did it, and jumped on the coach without a backwards glance. But they are very confident in that way. I wouldn't expect every child to be.

tiggytape · 29/09/2017 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

midsummabreak · 29/09/2017 09:05

Not fair you will be fined if she does not go. Children all learn to cope with these situations in time, but why expect them all to be ready at exactly the same time when some clearly are not.

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 29/09/2017 09:05

I certainly wouldn't make her go on the trip, I think it's quite normal at that age to not want to be away from parents for that long. However I would send her to school. It's not unfair to her to still attend and it's certainly not a "punishment". The fact is the children would either be on this trip or at school, there really shouldn't be a special treat option.

I would absolutely respect her feelings on not wanting to go but when her classmates return, hearing the positives about their trip and comparing it to her far less exiting time spent at school might open her up to the possibility of joining them next time. That's just a learning experience and while I think it's important to acknowledge and respect their choices it's also important that she understands she's making a choice and the consequence is that her classmates won't be in school while she is.

PoppyPopcorn · 29/09/2017 09:13

Not fair you will be fined if she does not go

No, parent could only be liable for a fine if child doesn't go on trip and parent keeps them out of school. If child doesn't go with the rest of the class and instead goes to school as usual, no problem.

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2017 09:16

I think it’s fine to support her if she doesn’t want to go, but I would not then pander to it by taking her yourself, I think it sends the wrong message.

I’d have her attend school and miss out on the trip. I think it’s ok to teach kids there is consequences to their decisions to help them with their decision making skills in future and at nearly eight, she’s not too young to understand pros and cons.

rebus1 · 29/09/2017 09:16

My DD wouldn't have wanted to do this either age 7. She was similar crying at grandparents etc. Her first trip away was 2 nights with cubs age 8, even then the first night was very tearful.

I definitely wouldn't make her go, especially if others are anxious, they'll all 'feed' off each other if you know what I mean. But I would send her to school as normal, she will probably just join in with Y2 or Y4 it won't be a punishment, just a choice as cocopuffs said.

Maybe encourage her to join cubs or brownies to experience some short local trips away and build her confidence gradually. Our cubs and rainbow leaders have brilliant at supporting nervous children.

Hersetta427 · 29/09/2017 09:18

I would send her into school if she is not going on the trip. I certainly wouldn't be pulling a younger sibling out also. Its not a holiday week, its school term time so they both should be in school.

Beardedandbalded · 29/09/2017 09:21

Blueberry your post is very very silly.

tictoc76 · 29/09/2017 09:32

My son is 7, year 3. If he had a residential trip he wouldn’t want to go either. He’s a pretty confident boy, enjoys school, has friends but at that age 3 nights away is a huge deal.

I would say she’s sick and keep her home. Doubt you’ll get fined unless the school really want to make an example of you and to be honest if they did you can appeal to the LA and explain the trio was making your child anxious at such a young age - am sure someone would see sense and fine dismissed.

Morifarty · 29/09/2017 09:32

DC didn't go on the school primary residential. The stay-behinders were expected to go into school but as there wasn't anything planned for the children that didn't go, and they were all put into younger classes to sit and listen and do nothing all day, we just kept them home instead. No fine, the school said it wasn't a problem.

tictoc76 · 29/09/2017 09:32

TRIP not trio

Jux · 29/09/2017 09:32

My dd was like that at 7, too. We missed the Y3 trip as we were living in France at the time, but I can imagine the exact same scenario with dd - who also, at that age, still wanted to sleep in Grandma's or Granny's bed when she stayed with either of them, rather than on her own. Nothing wrong with your dd for that.

Can you afford the fines AND a trip to Italy? It does sound more sensible, financially, to just say she's ill and keep her at home.

Good luck with the meeting with the Head.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 29/09/2017 09:35

I wouldn’t make her go on the trip but I would make it clear that the choice is either going, or staying in school.

I wouldn’t be keeping her home for a week or taking her younger sibling out as well. I think at 7yo she’s old enough to decide not to go, but that doesn’t mean she gets a week at home with mum. She goes to school because it’s a school day, not a holiday.

Mittens1969 · 29/09/2017 09:39

I'm surprised she's going at 7 tbh, DD1 is going on a residential next March but she's in year 4 so she'll be 9 when the time comes. She's very excited, she's been away for a Brownies camp and a residential Christian holiday camp, and for lots of sleepovers with cousins and Granny. The strange thing is that she gets very clingy sometimes when I leave her at school in the morning sometimes.

When is the residential exactly? Do you have to make the decision now? Or can you leave it for a few weeks and build her confidence in the meantime? I bet she'd love it.

But of course it's your call. I certainly wouldn't send her to school instead, that would be really miserable for her.

cingolimama · 29/09/2017 09:49

OP, ignore the silly twits who talk about "attachment issues". Your DD is completely normal, and you sound a lovely considerate mum.

There is no such thing as a "compulsory residential trip". All residentials are optional. I'm sure there will be others not going.

My DD was adamant that she didn't want to go on a Y6 PGL trip (not because of time away from home - she had been on many music and school residentials by that time) and to be honest, it was too expensive. So she didn't go and it was a great week for her. The school, to their credit, laid on some fantastic alternative activities in that week: a trip to Kew Gardens etc. I then took her out of school for two days and we went on a little trip to Bath.

Perhaps you might split the week - 3 days in school, 2 at home? Anyway, good luck.

llangennith · 29/09/2017 09:49

This thread was a topic of conversation at school drop off this morning. Chatting to Y4 and 5 parents everyone said their child wouldn't want to go at that age.
It's unnecessary. Even on the Y6 residential trip there are always a few who just don't want to go. Fortunately there's not too much emphasis on trip-related work before the trip.
No child will suffer from not going on a school trip.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2017 09:54

Good thinking rebus. I think joining brownies would be a good idea for your dd Mathilda. Perhaps better than cubs because it will be softer and more protective.

My dd did rainbows for a while when she was going through a very difficult period at 5 in yr1. She was seeing a child psychologist at the time and it was she, who recommended it. The women running it were very loving and caring.

Dd did get bored after a while as it was too sendentary for her. But it served a great purpose for a while and really helped with her confidence. It then gave her the self belief to be able to do other activities. As I said upthread, she was the youngest on pony camp. Until the age of at least 7, she only ever wanted to do an activity if she knew a friend there. Now she can go anywhere and do anything at the grand old age of 9.

Purplemeddler · 29/09/2017 09:59

You won't get fined for 4 days, you have to take more than 5 days out before you get fined.

mumontherun14 · 29/09/2017 10:03

In Scotland kids don't go till later age 10 (P6) and then again in P7 (age 11).On the out door trip one boy in my sons class hated it so much he was ill and his mum came and got him on the first night. The P7 trip was to a city and 2 boys really were not keen. One mum drove her son backwards and forwards each day so he could join in during the days but come home at night. Another booked a nearby hotel and stayed herself for a few nights and her son joined in during the day and then went to stay with her at night. Our Head was quite accomodating and it meant they could still join in with the class as much as possible, We don't have the fines in Scotland so it's not as much of an issue but plenty of kids even older still get really anxious about staying away from home and that then cancels out any benefit of the trip building confidence etc. Could you go and stay nearby with your younger child and then your older one could join in with the class but come and stay with you at night? xxx

notonthestairs · 29/09/2017 10:07

I am all in favour of school trips and will encourage mine to go inYr 6 but no child needs to go on a 3 night residential trip aged 7.
I think the suggestion of splitting the week - a couple of days with you, one in school would be a good solution.