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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to pay the fine rather than send DD to school for a week her class are away?

140 replies

MardyMatilda · 29/09/2017 01:36

Long story short but DD is meant to go away for a residential trip in Spring term consisting of 3 nights and 4 days.
She is year 3 and will be 7 1/2 by this point being born late July.
She is adament she doesn't want to go.
We have explained to her they will be doing lots of work up to and after the trip however she gets very upset and weve always agreed not to force it if she doesn't want to do it.
But I'm now wondering if it would actually be more beneficial for her to go away to the same destination, not the same site of course but so that she gets to see the location and can join in with class discussion on their return.
I know I'll be fined and as a single mum I'll also have to take younger DD out who by then will be in YR 1, so am I looking at £120, is it £60 per child per period or per day?
Any help massively appreciated.
We have the discussion evening tomorrow with the not at all friendly head and I'm dreading it.

OP posts:
frogsoup · 29/09/2017 07:17

Counselling for her attachment issues?!!!! Wtf, that's the most ridiculous suggestion I've read on here in a while. She is 7!!!! 3 nights is a hell of an ask for a 7yo, I'm amazed the school are doing that. I remember doing similar at 8 and crying myself to sleep on the last night, I was so homesick.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 29/09/2017 07:17

I never had any issues with mine - he barely waved goodbye when he left for residentials. He's been abroad for a week with school several times, scout and then cadet camp for more like two weeks, countless weekends (again, scouts and cadets), weeks away on other residentials with complete strangers!

He wasn't 7 though - that seems very young for three nights, four hours away. I certainly don't think it suggests "attachment issues" Hmm

Giggorata · 29/09/2017 07:18

It seems that both alternatives aren't going to be good for her.
I think the school ought to be more understanding and look for solutions that will help her.
It would be awful being the only child that didn't go, it would really set her apart. Therefore the idea of you going along as a parent helper is a great idea.
Or if not, the idea of staying somewhere nearby so that she could join in some of it might work, but it would need to be by agreement with the school. It seems weird at first sight, but could actually be a child centred compromise that you and the school arrange together.
Any school worth it's salt would try like anything to help..
(When we were very skint, one of ours was going to be the only child in the small village school not going on a trip, because we couldn't afford it. The school stepped in with a welfare fund, so he could go)
If none of that is possible, then I would either have her off school ill for the week, or challenge any fines with all the big guns I could muster. It is not conducive to your daughter's wellbeing to attend school alone for a week.

ordinarymumnat · 29/09/2017 07:19

OP as you say - don't force it - Call in sick when the time comes. I suspect a lot of schools are quite happy for the few children not going to not come in, but they can't say it. What you decide to do after that is up to you.

ferrier · 29/09/2017 07:19

You'll do more damage making an unwilling 7 year old go than keeping her off this trip. 7 is way too young to be forcing it. I've never understood why schools do overnight trips at this age - totally unnecessary and divisive.
I'd keep her at home and do some educational things - get your dd to document them. Maybe try to align them with what she would have done on the trip.

Giggorata · 29/09/2017 07:19

Its salt. Bloody illiterate autocorrect.

metalmum15 · 29/09/2017 07:19

Neither of my dds would have gone away for that long at 7, night at grandparents or friends, fine, but not that many days on a school residential. I'm also surprised there's not more kids not wanting to go, although by the sounds of the kids crying about it, there obviously is, but parents are just forcing them. I don't see the point in that as the kids are just going to be more anxious about it the closer it gets. Dd is yr.5 and doing her first residential (2 nights) next year and really looking forward to it. At age 7 she wouldn't even have contemplated it. The kids that don't go have to go in with another class but still get fun work and projects to do and it isn't seen as a major problem in our school. Personally, if she doesn't want to go, don't force her, but taking her on holiday isn't really the answer.

metalmum15 · 29/09/2017 07:19

Neither of my dds would have gone away for that long at 7, night at grandparents or friends, fine, but not that many days on a school residential. I'm also surprised there's not more kids not wanting to go, although by the sounds of the kids crying about it, there obviously is, but parents are just forcing them. I don't see the point in that as the kids are just going to be more anxious about it the closer it gets. Dd is yr.5 and doing her first residential (2 nights) next year and really looking forward to it. At age 7 she wouldn't even have contemplated it. The kids that don't go have to go in with another class but still get fun work and projects to do and it isn't seen as a major problem in our school. Personally, if she doesn't want to go, don't force her, but taking her on holiday isn't really the answer.

Original poster
MardyMatilda · 29/09/2017 07:20

No I haven't had counselling for a 7 year old not wanting to spend the night away from home - that's crazy!!
She's an independent girl who has no issues going off to school each day or spending days elsewhere
Pretty sure it's not they uncommon for Such young kids not to want to stay away overnight

OP posts:
PostNotInHaste · 29/09/2017 07:20

Agree that if she were older than work on her going but 3 nights at 7, 4 hours a way is a lot. It doesn't need to hold her back, my DD was similar at that age but took herself off to a language school in Asia for 2 weeks age 16.

metalmum15 · 29/09/2017 07:21

I'm also surprised by the poster who suggested counselling for her 'attachment issues'. Some kids are just homebirds, as they get older they just get more naturally independent. 7 is still very young.

metalmum15 · 29/09/2017 07:21

I'm also surprised by the poster who suggested counselling for her 'attachment issues'. Some kids are just homebirds, as they get older they just get more naturally independent. 7 is still very young.

metalmum15 · 29/09/2017 07:22

And also, parent helpers don't usually go on residentials for all manner of safety and security reasons! !

metalmum15 · 29/09/2017 07:22

And also, parent helpers don't usually go on residentials for all manner of safety and security reasons! !

Trb17 · 29/09/2017 07:22

OP I sympathise as my DD (Now 11) still doesn’t want to sleep out, not even for a night. She went on a 4 night residential in Year 6 and, whilst she enjoyed the day activities, she hated every night and has now said she’s never going on a school trip away again.

But I accept that this is just her personality. Nothing to be forced on her. We all have things in life we dislike and this is one of hers.

I think you’re doing the right thing letting her choose to go or not.

StepAwayFromCake · 29/09/2017 07:23

What are the school's plans for her if she stays behind? In my dc's schools there would always be 3-4 (out of a cohort of 60) who didn't go on a residential trip. None were ever punished for this. Generally they would spend the week, or part of it, with the year below. In Y5 or 6 they might spend an hour or two each day working with children in Y2 or 3, mentoring them and coaching them in maths or literacy. The older children would be very proud of this, and their contributions would be publicly recognised in Assembly the following week.

NoqontroI · 29/09/2017 07:28

I wouldn't keep her off school. Seems a bit weird and precious to do that. I'd support and encourage her to go on it, get the help of the teachers. Giving her an option of staying home isn't going to help her. Would you really want her to miss out on all the work they will be doing in school around the trip too? I wouldn't.

TheNoodlesIncident · 29/09/2017 07:29

How near is the residential location?

My son's school usually do a residential trip of similar duration, which has lots of outdoor activities on during the day. But this is in Year 4 rather than Year 3; there were still quite a few children who were nervous about staying away from home. At that age quite a few children have difficulties with being dry at night too.

Our school's strategies for maximising the number of children who were able to go were: visiting the location area beforehand - a few children did this and felt more comfortable knowing in advance where everything was, how things were done like the meal set-up etc. Others were fearful about staying away from their parents and in those cases, they had permission to be collected last thing and taken home then brought back in the morning. This really helped that they didn't miss out entirely with the daytime activities but had a really positive, non-homesick experience.

The children could telephone their parents if they wanted to.

The centre staff are used to helping anxious children and have a lot of experience in assisting those who need help with staying dry at night.

Can you speak to the school and ask staff how they will helping the children with their anxieties? There is a lot they can do to make this into the positive experience that dc will remember fondly for years and your child will not be alone in being worried about it. (Doing it in a year or two years instead would be a start...)

Don't keep your children out of school for this. If you can persuade your dd that she will have a great time, she will learn so much, and she will also learn, maybe, that sometimes the fear of something is far worse than the thing that she is fearing. Agree with pp, these trips can be so good for building confidence and if it's linked in with a lot of the work they're covering, she will miss out in many more ways.

youarenotkiddingme · 29/09/2017 07:29

Blueberry that's a very silly and dangerous statement. My ds went on year 6 residential even though he was extremely anxious about being away from home. He has nights where he sobbed for hours and despite a plan of coming home for nightimes with school they did what they thought was best (and certainly not the easy option for him) and kept him there.
He has refused to leave home overnight since and is showing no signs of being prepared to try again and he's now year 9.

OP. I'd speak to school and ask what arrangements are for children who don't go and see if anyone else doesn't go. I wouldn't go for the week nearby unless that was done as part of an arrangement where DD joined in for the day with peers activities. Don't feel pressurised to pressure your DD into something she's not ready for.

dertyyuoih2 · 29/09/2017 07:30

If it’s under 5 days out of school you won’t get fined, unless they have horrendous attendance. It would be £120 if you did for both your girls, their Dad (if school have details and he is alive etc) would get a fine through the post too. You would only ever get the £60 X 2.

I don’t think aged 7 I would have wanted to do a residential, I remember being home sick at a sleepover at that age!! So so what you think is best for her

fourandnomore · 29/09/2017 07:32

No chance my 7 year old would want to go away for 3 nights regardless of who else was going and she doesn't have any counselling for attachment issues either - she's 7 and never stayed away from us overnight. I don't think that's uncommon and I think it's great you are respecting her decision. In our school similar to pp the kids who choose not to go are given special responsibilities and actually my friend's daughter thoroughly enjoyed her week! Be proud she is comfortable not bowing to peer pressure.

Cheby · 29/09/2017 07:33

If you're thinking of going anyway, what about booking into a local hotel, so DD can spend the days on school trips but stay overnight in the hotel with you?

PoppyPopcorn · 29/09/2017 07:37

The eay I see it there are three choices.

1.Child goes on trip with class.

  1. Child stays at home and goes to school.
  2. Child stays at home and mum keeps her off for the week.

The fourth option of mum creating her own trip with child and child's younger sibling to a the same area at the same time is just WEIRD. This issue is going to come around again if you can't help your daughter with her separation anxiety, are you going to tag along every time? Just NO.

frogsoup · 29/09/2017 07:37

Cheby that's a great idea - coukd you ask school about that option op?

megletthesecond · 29/09/2017 07:43

Counselling for attachment issues. WTAF? ! Hmm