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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to pay the fine rather than send DD to school for a week her class are away?

140 replies

MardyMatilda · 29/09/2017 01:36

Long story short but DD is meant to go away for a residential trip in Spring term consisting of 3 nights and 4 days.
She is year 3 and will be 7 1/2 by this point being born late July.
She is adament she doesn't want to go.
We have explained to her they will be doing lots of work up to and after the trip however she gets very upset and weve always agreed not to force it if she doesn't want to do it.
But I'm now wondering if it would actually be more beneficial for her to go away to the same destination, not the same site of course but so that she gets to see the location and can join in with class discussion on their return.
I know I'll be fined and as a single mum I'll also have to take younger DD out who by then will be in YR 1, so am I looking at £120, is it £60 per child per period or per day?
Any help massively appreciated.
We have the discussion evening tomorrow with the not at all friendly head and I'm dreading it.

OP posts:
Firenight · 29/09/2017 07:44

Year 3 in our school are off for 3 nights this term.

No way would I want my kid to miss the opportunity and if he was anxious about it I would be working really hard on his confidence and independence.

They go away with Beaver and Cubs too at this age and it’s all part of growing up.

KeepSmiling83 · 29/09/2017 07:51

I'm not saying you should send her but you maybe need to start building up to her staying away. I was your DD. I hated staying away from home - I would always want to go and it would get to bedtime and I would cry and my mum would come and collect me. It has followed me all through my life and I still hate being away from home now. It meant I couldn't do the degree I wanted (Spanish) as I knew I wouldn't be able to stay away for a year and I have missed out on many opportunities because they involved being away from home. I do feel it has really restricted me. I am determined to stop my DDs feeling the same as me.

I'm not being critical and realise how hard it can be if they are upset but maybe something to work on.

Chocolatecake12 · 29/09/2017 07:57

I think you need to speak to the teacher to ask what the plans would be for her if she doesn’t go. You might be surprised to find she’s not the only one.
I don’t think taking her to the same area is a good idea, neither is the plan to keep both of your children off school for that week.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2017 07:58

She's yr3. That's very young. I'm surprised more children aren't having issues. My dd did pony camp at the end of yr3, they have to be 8. She was just 8 and the youngest by over a year. She went again this year and there were a couple of other 9 yos. it's not common to let kids that young go away where I live.

CaptainsCat · 29/09/2017 08:01

Blueberry Counselling for attachment issues? Causing damage by not making her go on the trip?

Are you serious??

Witsender · 29/09/2017 08:03

"attachment issues"?! 😂

She's 7. Not wanting to go away is a perfectly normal emotion at that age.

I would take her out. Tell the school she isn't going, and if they think it is a good idea do a trip yourself.

Liiinoo · 29/09/2017 08:03

I pushed my 12 yo into going on a school residential on the grounds she'd enjoy when she got there. I was wrong. Don't make her go, keep her home and do some visit related stuff with her. Going there with her is a good idea but not at the same time as the actual trip. It would be too weird if you bumped into them!

SpaghettiAndMeatballs · 29/09/2017 08:06

I always hated residentials etc. BUT I was at first forced (Well, very strongly encouraged), then forced myself to go on them - even though I was anxious and felt left out while I was there every single time (I've never been good at making friends).

The thing is, it was a good skill to learn - because I did gain from going on these residentials - be they the activity one (where I was in the mortifying position of having to have a special harness manufactured because I didn't fit the standard children's ones), the singing one, or the one that I don't remember the point of, and I learned to push that anxiety and fear into a little box in the corner of my mind, and do stuff anyway. To stand alone in the corner of a room where everyone else seems to be having fun with each other, and not outwardly display how much I wanted the ground to swallow me up (took me rather more years to launch myself forward into small talk with strangers I admit). Because of learning that skill, I've walked into scary degree lectures where I was the only woman, interviews are not a problem, I've moved countries without blinking, strode into offices where they speak other languages and got on with my job.

If she can learn the skill of forcing herself to do new things, even when scared witless, it really will stand her in good stead in the future.

bevelino · 29/09/2017 08:06

OP why would your second dc have to be taken out of school?

The school may think you are taking a term time holiday. I am not saying you are but the school may think that if both your children are away from school at the same time.

Barnes79 · 29/09/2017 08:07

Could the school set some work for her to do at home? I’d assume that if she was stuck in a class with a different year group she’d just be given stuff to get on with alone, which she could surely do at home. Ask if you can pay the fine only if she doesn’t get the set work done? That would mean she’s doing the work she would be doing at school, she’s not isolated at lunchtimes etc, and you don’t have to pay? Also it would save the school having to find classes/teachers to keep an eye on her in addition to their existing classes.

Original poster
MardyMatilda · 29/09/2017 08:10

Younger DD wouldn't have to buy I gathered if I'm not sending older one and will be fined anyway we may as well have some family time and go and visit our family in Italy as we usually can't afford the flights so haven't visited
I did ask about being a parent helper as DH works from home so would have been fine for younger DD but they've never let that happen and never will they said
Also shot me down about her attending for the day but coming to a hotel for the evening as wouldn't be fair on the other kids
There are lots of kids upset who don't want to go, just no parents happy to support that.

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 29/09/2017 08:11

Attachment issues my arse!

It is completely normal for a 7 year old not to want to go away from their home to an unfamiliar place for three days, which is why most schools (including all the ones I am familiar with) would not contemplate such a trip.

If you have discussed it and she is perfectly clear that she doesn't want to go, don't force her. This is not some developmental milestone for 7 year olds. Ask the school what they would be doing with her instead, and if they don't have a good plan I would keep her out. But don't go to the same place as the school - that would be weird for everyone.

Iris65 · 29/09/2017 08:11

Has she had counselling for her attachment issues?

A little girl gets homesick and its 'attachment issues' that needs counselling?

Biscuit because they don't have an emoji for a grip.

MillicentFawcett · 29/09/2017 08:11

You probably won't get a fine - it's only after they've missed 9 sessions - so 4.5 days.

They might actually prefer you to keep her home rather than trying to entertain her. I know our school has suggested children are kept at home when there are whole year outings/trips attended by all bar a couple of kids.

holdthewine · 29/09/2017 08:16

Our DD was adamant in September she would not go on the annual PGL trip (she was older: last year in Juniors) the following June. She was not good at sleeping out even at 10. We said we would never make her but we would like to put her name down in case she changed her mind. She agreed to this but was adamant until after Easter that she wouldn't go (when it came up, we didn't talk about it much during the year unless she brought it up).

After Easter when everyone started getting excited she wavered "I might go", "I won't go". We allowed her to decide on the day and she went and had a wonderful time. She is now in her 30s and a mother herself and has had no trauma as a result of the indecision.

Could you put her name down in agreement with the school that she might not go? It might be cheaper than a fine! Children can change so much in a few months.

Ttbb · 29/09/2017 08:20

Can't you volunteer to go on the trip with them? Or do schools not do that anymore?

BrieAndChilli · 29/09/2017 08:21

Could you stay nearby but DD joins the school trip before breakfast and then comes back to you at bedtime so she is joining in with everything apart from the sleeping part??
That way she is technically not absent from school so you won't get fined for her and if you didn't have anyone you could leave the younger one with you plus possibly get fines for her.

Athrawes · 29/09/2017 08:23

Why not go with her? Go as a parent helper? Take your youngest too or leave with Dad/Granny etc. That way your daughter gets to benefit from the trip and being in a new environment with friends AND the teachers get a helper. Win win.

neveradullmoment99 · 29/09/2017 08:29

She is 7 ffs!!! Attachment issues? Seriously?
No residential trips here in Scotland unless they are in the last year of primary. I am also surprised that there are not other children not going. My dd is 6 and wouldn't go. I think that is far too young personally and not for every child.

PoppyPopcorn · 29/09/2017 08:29

Parent helpers NEVER go on residentials in my experience. Can you imagine the Child protection minefield?

Also not every parent is an asset on any school trip as I'm sure teachers no. Not saying OP is one of those parents, but I've been a parent helper on a trip with another parent who was so focused on her little darling and her phone that the other kids in her group ran riot as she was bloody useless.

Talith · 29/09/2017 08:30

Neither of mine cope well with these residentials. I'd just not sign the slip and let her not go on the residential. I wouldn't worry about visiting the place or doing anything different. You're over-complicating things I think. If she has to join the other year group and is bored silly, or feels like she's missed out afterwards maybe she'll feel a bit more curious about the next residential. But it will have been her choice.

PacificDogwod · 29/09/2017 08:33

I'd down play the whole issue with her.
No need for this to be a repeated discussion point at this moment in time, allowing her to repeat and repeat that she is Not Going.

Sign the permission slip (you can always withdraw permission closer to the time) and then let the subject lie.
There is every chance she will get all caught up in the excitement of the trip as it approaches.

School trips are brilliant and some of my fondest memories related to them (I am in my 50s Grin)

neveradullmoment99 · 29/09/2017 08:33

My older dd has a residential trip for 4 days this year. She will be 11 when they go. She wants to go. I think its fine at that age. Parent helpers never go. Its not even an option.

PoppyPopcorn · 29/09/2017 08:35

as I'm sure teachers no

KNOW. Jeezo you can tell i'm only on my first cup of coffee this morning.

steppemum · 29/09/2017 08:46

Our school do a voluntary trip at this age, quite a few go, but there are a significant number who don't either because their parents think they are too young, or because they themselves are not ready.

A previous (small village) school used to take the whole of KS2 away every 3 years, so some went when they were in year 3 and some in year 6.

When I first read your OP I was in the 'encourage her to go' camp.
But as she can't even manage staying over at grandparents yet, I would say she definitely isn't ready.

Don't go to the same place the same week. If you want to, take her there at some other time.

Go in and talk to the teacher, be clear that as she cannot even manage one night with grandparents, there is no way she is goign to manage this trip.
Ask if there is any way you can support what they are doing while they are away. eg if they do pond dipping, can you find a way of doing that, using on-line info etc.
Can you do a mini project on the area, so if it is all about fossil beaches, you have found out about and looked at all the same things school is looking at.

I would ask school seriously what she will do while you are away.
A pp said they had to sit isolated in class etc ect. I cannot imagine any school I know doing that today.
In fact, it may be that she has a special week. We have had older kids who become the 'helper' in reception for a few days when this happens and they get a bit of responsibility and a bit spoilt by the reception teacher who feels sorry for them. So staying in school may not be a negative experience.

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