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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Au pair not leaving house

154 replies

Sandro09 · 28/09/2017 10:48

Hi I'm hoping someone can help me please,have had au pairs last few years always works fine but new au pair is here since august she's a very nice person initially she went out and about but now she never leaves the house I mean 24 hours a day 7 days a week it's starting to get on my nerves she stays in her room only coming out for food and dinner time I've noticed in the morning she uses about half a loaf of bread and empties half the fruit bowl its like she stocks up for her room for the day,I have one son he's 10 and plays with his friends most days she gets a lot of free time of like 3-4 days a week and we're only 10 minutes by bus to the city centre there's lots to do even in our neighbourhood and lots of au pairs living around,I feel bad that it's annoying me but our house is a 4 bed semi detached and I'd love if she'd just go for a while out of the house its claustrophobic there's loads of English classes on in the city I don't know,anybody have any advice please

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 28/09/2017 10:55

It's her house too, and she's got every right to do whatever she wants in her free time. If you didn't want someone in the house when they aren't working, then you shouldn't have hired live in help.

PollyFlint · 28/09/2017 10:55

If you don't want someone in your house all the time, don't have a live-in au pair.

I don't think it's really reasonable to employ someone to live in your house and then expect them to make themselves scarce because it makes you claustrophobic. There are loads of reasons she might stay in the house - she might not want to go out and spend money, for a start. She might be sending money home or saving up so doesn't want to spend on getting a bus into town and doing things that require paying for. Or maybe she likes staying in her room reading, listening to music, studying, chatting online or gaming. I don't think you can expect her to change her hobbies/interests because you find her presence annoying.

existentialmoment · 28/09/2017 11:03

Any advice? Yes, pay for english classes, buy her a bus pass, talk to her and find out what is happening.
And use full stops.

Gromance02 · 28/09/2017 11:07

And use full stops.

unfortunateevents · 28/09/2017 11:14

Is she happy? Have you spoken to her? Maybe she is dying of homesickness or pining for a boyfriend or something? However if she has told you she is happy like this, then I'm afraid there is nothing you can do about it. This is also her home for the period that she is with you and if she chooses to spend all her free time in her room, then so be it.

PinkHeart5913 · 28/09/2017 11:15

Have you tried talking to her? Maybe she is nervous

Could you look in to the English classes in more detail and speak to her and see if she would like to go? Does she earn enough to pay for these?

Have you spoken to her about how to get to the city centre and pointed her in the direction of websites that tell her about what's in the city centre to do?

Maybe she enjoys being in her room reading/Skype home/gaming etc?

Surely if you employ someone to live in, you can't then moan if they don't fancy going out

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/09/2017 11:18

Doesn't she have to go out of the house to do things for her job with you? Don't you ever need her to go to the shop, pick up your son etc?

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 28/09/2017 11:24

I swear I commented on an almost identical post the other week.
Its her house, maybe she's just a homebody. A lot of people are - except for work I don't really go out as I like to be home. Leave her be.

Discotits · 28/09/2017 11:25

You’d assume she’d want to leave sometimes though surely? Def ask her if she fancies language class or whatever, I’ve never had an au pair, but people who do anecdotally seem to find older ones (late 20s) are more proactive at going out.

MrsOverTheRoad · 28/09/2017 11:27

What's she actually DOING for you though OP?

Loopytiles · 28/09/2017 11:27

It's not at all U to expect an au pair to go out sometimes.

I'd speak to her to see if she's OK - she might be really lonely. I'd make clear that it was, in my view, important to get out and about, and make suggestions and offer help.

If it continued this way I would probably end her employment early.

GirlcalledJames · 28/09/2017 11:27

Do you pay her enough for her to afford to do things?

Loopytiles · 28/09/2017 11:28

It's not her house: she's a guest, there to fulfil a role. Her not leaving the house isn't good for any of you.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 28/09/2017 11:32

These au pair threads recently been distinctly odd.

How much do you pay her a week? This is important for the discussion because it may well explain why she is not doing stuff outside the house, as well as the food situation.

ProverbialOuthouse · 28/09/2017 11:32

This would drive me insane. Live in or not you need your space and privacy.

I'd give her some info if local clubs and places of interest and tell her it's no good for her to be stuck indoors all the time. If that failed, I'd tell her she needs to be finding things to do away from the house sometimes as you all need your space.

Mittens1969 · 28/09/2017 11:34

I would think she probably feels homesick and for her own sake needs encouragement to leave the house. English classes would be the best place to start, hopefully she'll get to make friends that way and will start to meet up with them.

But I'd definitely worry that she could end up depressed if she doesn't start doing things. It also sounds like she doesn't have enough to do and might be a bit bored.

PandorasXbox · 28/09/2017 11:37

Is she ok? Have you tried talking to her?

echt · 28/09/2017 11:42

OP, try moving this thread to this MN link:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/au_pairs

bellasuewow · 28/09/2017 11:42

I have had this, it is really tough, the house starts to feel oppressive over time as you realise that they are not going to leave their room At all. It is not healthy for a young person to be cooped up for weeks on end in one room and I agree with other posters to talk to her sympathetically about how she is feeling and settling in and suggest things to do even just a walk once a day round the park. Some people are not ready to be away from home and they can't handle the freedom and it leads them to shut down and feel unable to leave their room.

PollyFlint · 28/09/2017 11:43

Def ask her if she fancies language class or whatever

And offer to pay for them.

If she's saving her money for whatever reason (and the reason is really nobody else's business) then why should she cough up for bus fares, activities, English classes etc solely because the OP doesn't want a live-in au pair to actually, er, live in?

Hissy · 28/09/2017 11:50

How old is she?
Could she be agoraphobic?

It's hard to do 24/7 indoors unless you're really committed to not going out doors. Not impossible though, I did a really good job of it for years and I wasnt depressed. Never better in fact, but it takes a LOT of effort to get over the anxiety of agoraphobia.

English classes would be a good way to give her a reason to go out. Would you be able to help her find people to hang out with?

TheCatsMother99 · 28/09/2017 11:50

And use full stops.

Good advice!

I do think that it's likely she either doesn't know anyone or is fairly shy so doesn't want to put herself out there. Very likely too she doesn't want to spend a lot of money.

It must be quite lonely for her.

echt · 28/09/2017 11:52

I know things have moved on, but back in the day (ten years ago), booking and paying for English lessons was part of what the hosting family did.

SusanTheGentle · 28/09/2017 11:58

YABU. A four bed house is not claustrophobic.

However I agree with you, it's unlikely to be nice for her to be cooped up all day and I would be worried. Help her with things to do: English classes yes, that will help, but also she won't know how to find free/low cost events to go to, she might not have any au pair friends locally or know how to find them. I think you're going to have to do some intervention here.

How old is she?

NurseButtercup · 28/09/2017 11:59

Hmmmm I didn't have an au pair, but I had a young lady, she was 21/22 years old, from Czech Republic staying with me for 12 weeks on an exchange programme. Monday to Friday she left at 7.30am and was back by 4pm. Outside of these times, she never used to leave the house including the weekend, which I thought was very bizarre. And it bothered me that she was always in my house.

I tried to encourage her to go out and about and "be a tourist". Turns out she didn't have enough £££ to do anything. And she wasn't homesick or lonely she spent a lot of time on Skype with friends, family and her boyfriend.

After our chat, I actually felt a bit embarrassed and gave myself a good talking to. She was polite, pleasant, didn't disturb the house, always cleaned up after herself in the shared areas. So what if she doesn't leave the her room. She's not doing anybody any harm, so I was able to relax and let it go.

I think you should try and talk to her to try and encourage her to be out more, offer bus pass/English lessons as suggested by pp. You can't actually force her out of the house. But if she is happy as she is what are you going to say? Does it really matter? Are your kids happy with her?

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