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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Au pair not leaving house

154 replies

Sandro09 · 28/09/2017 10:48

Hi I'm hoping someone can help me please,have had au pairs last few years always works fine but new au pair is here since august she's a very nice person initially she went out and about but now she never leaves the house I mean 24 hours a day 7 days a week it's starting to get on my nerves she stays in her room only coming out for food and dinner time I've noticed in the morning she uses about half a loaf of bread and empties half the fruit bowl its like she stocks up for her room for the day,I have one son he's 10 and plays with his friends most days she gets a lot of free time of like 3-4 days a week and we're only 10 minutes by bus to the city centre there's lots to do even in our neighbourhood and lots of au pairs living around,I feel bad that it's annoying me but our house is a 4 bed semi detached and I'd love if she'd just go for a while out of the house its claustrophobic there's loads of English classes on in the city I don't know,anybody have any advice please

OP posts:
sassyannie · 29/09/2017 18:14

When I was nineteen, I was an aupair in Geneva and had the host family from hell... the blond children were like the ones from village of the damned. There is probably enough material for a short novel. Think I paid for another aupair to escape back to UK....All I know is that being an aupair in a foreign country can be very anxiety inducing.

Mumandteacher123 · 29/09/2017 18:26

@ battenburg rtft

NotForSale · 29/09/2017 18:33

We had an au pair that was like this. It turned out she was homesick so I agreed she could bring her boyfriend over. They both stayed indoors then so that didnt really work!

mumindoghouse · 29/09/2017 18:36

OP I see you are going to talk to her which is good in case there is a problem she doesn't know how to handle.
I think having someone in, even invited and very welcome mostly, can,with the best will in the world get irksome. I get a bit narked if DH has a work from home day coinciding with one of my rare work from homes. It just feels different and I like the rare solitude.
I hope you find a solution.

Truzza · 29/09/2017 18:52

Maybe something happened? You said she used to go out and about? What happened? Might be more serious than you think.... talk to her help her. I used to be a nanny and met so many deeply unhappy au pairs.

CheesecakeAddict · 29/09/2017 18:57

I'm just going to chime in as the once-was introvert au pair. Even if she has been away to uni, it can be really surreal being in a new location with a new family and learning the language and customs. I didn't leave my room the first two months other than the odd walk, but it was lonely and made me homesick. I remember getting there and the normal mode of transport was tram, barely any buses. I had never even seen a tram in my life, I had no idea how to catch it, how to buy tickets ECT. It can just be the tiny things like that that isolate you. Once my host family taught me how to use it, I started going out a lot more. Although I did do language lessons and made friends that way so maybe push her to do it.

Sit down with her and get to the bottom of it, it may even be something as small as not knowing she can go out whenever she pleases. She will still feel that it's your house and your rules so maybe she is just scared of going out and having misunderstood when her work time is or what you might think if she goes out late.

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/09/2017 19:05

Any decent host mum wants their au pair to have a good experience - and that includes getting out and about, making friends, and experiencing the city/country they're staying in for whatever length of time.

And most au pairs come ready to have that sort of experience. Having a good experience also includes feeling at home in their temporary home.

I'd be worried about an au pair that spent all their time in their room, although it can be normal for some to do it in the early days.

And couldn't agree more with Cardey - au pairs are one of a range of childcare options that suit some families best.

Live-in is really crucial for some families for a range of reasons, and when you have school-aged kids (for example), you don't always have many hours that actually need covering.

There is something about au pairs that really raises the ire of some people, though.

Goldilocks3Bears · 29/09/2017 19:31

My first au pair was a party head and a slut. All the taxi drivers in town would say "oh, so and so's house" when they dropped me off.
One night she got so drunk she puked all over the family bathroom and shat herself before passing out. I was cleaning the floor at 3am.

Everything since has been an improvement so quit complaining and try to see her positive side and help her integrate.

My current one is the same and it does wind me up but then I go to my room and watch a movie or the gym or out. The kids love her and that's the most important thing here.

TheSpottedZebra · 29/09/2017 19:45

A slut ?

Well, that's lovely.

cherrybath · 29/09/2017 19:48

Sorry, not had time to read the whole thread so apologies if I say things that others have done to death.

We have had quite a few au pairs over the years and I am rather puzzled by yours - most of them come to England to improve their English and she is obviously not going to do this if she doesn't talk to anybody.

I don't know how good her English is, perhaps she is shy and doesn't like to speak because her English is poor? I agree with others that she may be homesick, and also agree it isn't reasonable to expect her not to be in the house whenever she wants to be. She is supposed to be living as part of your family and your wouldn't expect your children to leave the house when they didn't feel like it.

We always made a point of making sure that our au pairs went to English classes at some stage every weekday for a few hours, that way they made friends and hopefully would have a certificate at the end to show that their language skills had improved.

loobyloo1234 · 29/09/2017 19:55

YABU ... not to know how to use full stops Hmm

Pooppants · 29/09/2017 20:10

I was a au pair in Spain, I have same problem, first I didn't know anybody, second the family was paying me 250 euros a month and the last they did have 3 kids that kept me exhausted! I didn't want to spend money and I went over the summer, so no Spanish classes, they didn't want to pay for any extras and they used to annoy me to get out of the house every day, telling me to go to the movies or beach, if I got out I did have to spend on food and tickets.I some times just want to stay in and have a nap, at least she grab some food, I was so shy that I would starve if they didn't offer me something, and they didn't!

Goldilocks3Bears · 29/09/2017 20:18

Yes, a slut. She had 5-6 boyfriends in a year, three of them was at the same time. Call me a prude but that's slutty. Lovely indeed.
She was great with our family and we were desperate due to illness in the family so I turned a blind eye to her weekend shenanigans but it was a bit embarrassing when my friends had come across her on a night out and she'd been on a bender.

Guiltybystander · 29/09/2017 20:28

You want a cheap live-in au-pair because you don't want to fork out on a professional nanny and now you have the audacity to complain that she is a homebody. You made your own bed, now you lie in it.

What's next? You will expect her to buy her own food...I am waiting for that thread with anticipation...

Pengggwn · 29/09/2017 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeleteOrDecay · 29/09/2017 20:32

Yes, a slut. She had 5-6 boyfriends in a year, three of them was at the same time. Call me a prude but that's slutty.

Wow, you sound lovelyHmm Imagine how your au-pair would feel if she heard you talking about her in this way.

So what if someone has multiple boyfriends. Seriously.

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/09/2017 20:33

Guiltybystander - maybe the OP can't afford a nanny.

Is that a crime?

Maybe she doesn't have enough hours to even give a nanny.

Should she give up work, then? What's your childcare solution for the OP?

Guiltybystander · 29/09/2017 20:41

Cunt why are you defending her? Are you related?
Au-pairs live with you. As such, they have every right to stay in their room whenever they please. End of. No ifs no buts.

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/09/2017 20:44

No - are you related to her?

You've told her exactly why she has hired an au pair - presumably you know her well. Confused

Guiltybystander · 29/09/2017 20:44

Cunt she can't afford a nanny but can afford a 4 bedroom semi- detached house with one child in it? Okay....

Cardey · 29/09/2017 20:46

I love how some people who clearly have no clue what they are talking about just rant and judge.

  1. Nannies rarely sign up for 20h weeks.
  2. Au pairs have been around for donkeys. it is not just cheap childcare.

There is no need to accuse people of exploiting or being cheap. That is not what this thread is about. If you want to open up a debate on the good, bad and ugly of the paid childcare world, knock yourselves out (and don't forget to punctuate)

Cardey · 29/09/2017 20:48

Who cares if she can afford to live in a 4 bed, a 2 bed or freaking Buckingham palace? Stop judging.

Goldilocks3Bears · 29/09/2017 20:48

I'm really not bother that anyone thinks I'm a prude when it comes to this girl having multiple partners at the same time. I'm good with that and I think it's nasty AF. Each to their own hey.

Back to the OP thread - yes, the food thing. She's effectively an exchange student in your house so you should promote a homely feel and that includes making sure food and snacks are readily available.

They are all so different and some of my APs have had special food requests we have accommodated where possible. Our previous au pair was Italian and cooked all day long - it was her 'yoga' and we all gained weight. The gas and leccy bill went down about £20 when she went :-D

Why not stick her a tenner and tell her to pop down to the shops for some more apples - then you'll have the house to yourself :-)

G

SherbrookeFosterer · 29/09/2017 20:49

She might be depressed, struggling with her mental health in some other way, or something may have happened to her and she has bottled it up.

I would take her out for lunch, or Champneys for the day, to get to the bottom of it.

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/09/2017 20:50

Are you OK, Guilty*? You seem awfully bitter.

And it's 'the Dowager' to the likes of you.