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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Au pair not leaving house

154 replies

Sandro09 · 28/09/2017 10:48

Hi I'm hoping someone can help me please,have had au pairs last few years always works fine but new au pair is here since august she's a very nice person initially she went out and about but now she never leaves the house I mean 24 hours a day 7 days a week it's starting to get on my nerves she stays in her room only coming out for food and dinner time I've noticed in the morning she uses about half a loaf of bread and empties half the fruit bowl its like she stocks up for her room for the day,I have one son he's 10 and plays with his friends most days she gets a lot of free time of like 3-4 days a week and we're only 10 minutes by bus to the city centre there's lots to do even in our neighbourhood and lots of au pairs living around,I feel bad that it's annoying me but our house is a 4 bed semi detached and I'd love if she'd just go for a while out of the house its claustrophobic there's loads of English classes on in the city I don't know,anybody have any advice please

OP posts:
scrabbler3 · 28/09/2017 18:26

I suspect that she's homesick and that au pairing isn't what she thought it would be. It sounds as if she's comfort eating in her room.

Maybe your irritation with her has been noted.

10 seems quite old to need an au pair - he is probably self sufficient at home. Perhaps she'd have preferred younger children and more of them, with more to do.

Leavingonajet · 28/09/2017 18:34

I would try talking to her, asking what has changed and why she doesn't go out anymore. Try explaining that you are worried about her and want to gain as much as she can from the experience of living with your family. I would probably organise a language course for her and hoosh her into it so that I knew she was developing her language skills and socialising. I have lived abroad in a country where I didn't speak the language at first at it is both tiring and scary at the point, she is young and a gentle shove may be needed.

VioletCharlotte · 28/09/2017 18:41

I imagine she's feeling really homesick and nervous and not confident enough to go out. She's a young woman in a foreign country, show her some kindness and compassion and find out what's troubling her.

Oly5 · 28/09/2017 19:34

Shite your post made me laugh out loud.
I work ft from home so I'm also home to see my au pair's comings and goings.
Get a grip. You have no idea what you're talking about you troll

RedForFilth · 28/09/2017 19:47

I don't understand why it makes you claustrophobic if she's in her room? Loads of people whine about their au pairs either going out too much or staying in too much. Might be better if you stipulate your preferences at interview for your next one.

Either way I'd just want to check she was ok. I'd maybe take her out for coffee and cake or something just the two of you and have a chat. My best guess would be she can't afford to be spending her money on leisure at the moment.

DeleteOrDecay · 28/09/2017 19:58

Why employ live-in help if you're not going to allow them to err, live in your home?Confused

Of course YABU.

DeleteOrDecay · 28/09/2017 19:59

And also you don't get to dictate to her that she spends her hard earned cash on 'going out'. It's her money and she could be saving up for all manner of things.

ICantStoptheDogChasingFlies · 28/09/2017 20:10

If she's really never leaving her room apart from when she's obliged to for work, I second the view above that she might be depressed. See if you can have a chat with her about how she's feeling, and if you're concerned, get her to see the GP. It can be a tough situation to be away from your family and home country for the first time and some au pairs struggle with it.

If she's not depressed but just lonely, do what you can to facilitate the making of au pair friends. A lot of places have local au pair facebook groups where they can arrange to meet up on days off.

If she's just a homebody, there's not that much you can do apart from deep breaths!

Good luck, OP, I hope you manage to get to the bottom of things.

kali110 · 28/09/2017 21:07

Yabu, she can stay in her room if she wants too.
How is it claustrophobic for you?
She's the one staying in the room!
Why should she go out and spend her little money just because you don't think she should be staying in there?
I don't leave the house loads, the thought of 'mooching around the shops' or going for a drink on my own sounds like crap.
I'd rather stay home and read.
Is your child happy?
If she's doing a good job with your child then that should be the main thing.

Original poster
Sandro09 · 28/09/2017 23:16

Thanks very much for the helpful replies and advice,I actually do work 3 nights a week so I leave at 7 my son is in bed by 8 I'm home before 8 and I get him ready for school and take him there and collect him at 3.30 and do homework and dinner for everyone then every second weekend he's in his dads house so she does get lots of free time of at the start I took her to the English classes and told her I would pay for them,they're on during the day I've shown her around bought her plenty of places I allowed her mother and friend come to stay when she first got here and gave her a week of within her first month to go home in case she was lonely because I understand how difficult it can be being in a different country and wanted to do all I could to make her happy i also told her anytime she wanted to go home for a break or anything it'd be no problem I pay her £110 a week and it's not that I wanted her out of the house either what I'm saying is if she even went just once a week for a few hours that's all,even if it was your own family member it'd be hard to tolerate it 24/7 maybe she is lonely and missing home she's 22 and has been to college and lived away from home,I told her about the local au pair Facebook page and initially she did go out a few times but lost interest I just can't understand why a person wouldn't even want to get out of the house unless very depressed maybe that's it and I'll have to talk to her maybe she just wants to go home and that's very understanding to,thanks again for the helpful responses

OP posts:
Busterb00 · 28/09/2017 23:48

OP

We had lots of au pairs. Most were great some would just hang around their room and it does make you feel uncomfortable in your own house.

We shipped them off to language classes, football matches until they started making friends. One didn't and we had to call it a day with him.

You get the feeling they don't like being here and it affects everyone in the house.

Willow2017 · 29/09/2017 00:01

Those are the 2 longest sentances I have ever read! Smile

Good idea to talk to her and find out if anything is wrong. Maybe she is just a homebody or saving up for something?

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/09/2017 00:53

Don't see the problem

She's in her room - ignoring you - just like A teenager Wink

She may be happy there. Reasons. On phone. Tv. Etc

Could be worse and be in your living room all evening

Tho that comes under house rules. How many nights with you /leave you alone

Tho as only you her and 10yr in house - not sure why makes you feel claustrophobic esp as 4 bedrooms so assuming have 2 living rooms as well as kitchen downstair

Beeziekn33ze · 29/09/2017 02:01

Possibly she didn't fit in with other au pairs and some were bitchy to her.. Or, as several PPs have said, something happened to upset her. There must be a reason why she went out at first then stopped. Do you talk to her? Have you actually asked why she stays in?.

honeyroar · 29/09/2017 02:23

Ooh you're getting a hard time on here. Glad you've explained your work situation - purely because it will shut a few "judgey pants" types up (until they think of another angle to peck at you from!).

I was an au pair. A few times. The only times that I stayed in my room a lot was when I was, quite frankly, a bit bored with the area and a bit lonely (usually when we were on holiday with the family somewhere not much was going on). So I think you should have a conversation with your au pair. Sit her down with a coffee and a X plain that you're worried about her being alone in her room so much, worried that she's homesick, not getting much out of her time abroad etc. See what she comes back with and go from there.

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/09/2017 04:16

All the green-eyed monsters and precious moments mamas come out of the woodwork for the au pair threads!

It's like clockwork.

EnvyEnvy

ButchyRestingFace · 29/09/2017 04:19

Is the full stop key jammed on your keyboard, OP?

I find Lenovos are a bastard for that.

OccasionalNachos · 29/09/2017 04:50

Butchy Grin

battenbergbutterfly · 29/09/2017 05:31

What do you pay her for if you're always around in your house feeling claustrophobic? Why do you need live in help?

keepcalmandfuckon · 29/09/2017 05:32

I read that without taking a breath in my head. Phew.

Motoko · 29/09/2017 09:50

So did I Keepcalm! God, I hate reading long posts like that.

OP you just need to talk to her. I don't know why you haven't already done that, surely it's the first thing you'd do? Not post on MN, then leave the thread for over 12 hours before replying.

Oly5 · 29/09/2017 13:07

Spot on Butchy!! They make me laugh.. I think they're just jealous

Cardey · 29/09/2017 18:00

Wow! The level of trolling in here!

It's fucking 2017 ladies! Last I checked it was ok to be a working mum and there was no shame in employing childcare, live in or out. Clearly it addresses a need. And if someone is filthy rich and they have 3 live in aupairs and 5 maids, good for them! There is no one size fits all in parenting.

I am in shock by the vicious judgemental comments of some of the posters. Great example for the next generation. Am happy that at least you have grammar and punctuation going on in your lives.

OP- to answer your question: Yes, it is weird and annoying. The experience is supposed to be cultural immersive and clearly being at home all day is not what "should" be happening. It's concerning. If it were my daughter even I would be concerned. I get your claustrophobic angle as well.

YANBFA.

Abbylee · 29/09/2017 18:02

Maybe she is afraid? Did something happen that she didn't tell you? Instead of being annoyed, try understanding and kindness.

Adelie0404 · 29/09/2017 18:09

My au pair stayed in for the first few months and worried me - when I spoke to her she just said she skyped her friends at home and watched movies. Then - she got a social life and a boyfriend and now is never here (except when she needs to do school run and pick-up) - which I can do from time to time. She stays overnight at his and come back at 7 and leaves as soon as one of us gets home!!
Kind of like a teenager but at least she is happy! And as girls are 9 and 13 they are not bothered and would rather have parents, of course.

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