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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Au pair not leaving house

154 replies

Sandro09 · 28/09/2017 10:48

Hi I'm hoping someone can help me please,have had au pairs last few years always works fine but new au pair is here since august she's a very nice person initially she went out and about but now she never leaves the house I mean 24 hours a day 7 days a week it's starting to get on my nerves she stays in her room only coming out for food and dinner time I've noticed in the morning she uses about half a loaf of bread and empties half the fruit bowl its like she stocks up for her room for the day,I have one son he's 10 and plays with his friends most days she gets a lot of free time of like 3-4 days a week and we're only 10 minutes by bus to the city centre there's lots to do even in our neighbourhood and lots of au pairs living around,I feel bad that it's annoying me but our house is a 4 bed semi detached and I'd love if she'd just go for a while out of the house its claustrophobic there's loads of English classes on in the city I don't know,anybody have any advice please

OP posts:
withlotsoflove · 28/09/2017 12:03

You could go to English classes together...

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 28/09/2017 12:06

withlotsoflove Grin

RonSwansonsMoustache · 28/09/2017 12:09

She's a live in au-pair. If you don't want a stranger in your home, live-in childcare probably isn't for you.

Can she afford to go out? Are you paying her enough money to cover things like bus fares, day trips, trips to the cinema and the like? I also think if you want her to do language classes, you should be paying for them!

splendidisolation · 28/09/2017 12:10

You have 4 bedrooms for fucks sake. Can you not get by just swanning around 3 of them?

Anyway what do you need an au pair for if you're free to stay at home spying on her 24/7?

She probably feels intimidated by the idea of wandering around a foreign city. Why dont you take her into town one day and show her some stuff?

glitterlips1 · 28/09/2017 12:17

It's not her house! I would be annoyed too. Everyone needs some space every now and then!

brasty · 28/09/2017 12:17

London is an expensive place to go out and about if money is very scarce. Depending on where you live, she might have to pay for transport to go anywhere decent. And things like going for a walk in a local park quickly get boring if you are doing it yourself.

Offer to pay for English classes. I thought most Au Pair families do this. It will also help her meet people. It is very difficult to meet people in a new City if you are a bit shy, don't work with people you can socialise with, and don't have much money. Have you told her she can invite friends over?

Kelsoooo · 28/09/2017 12:17

And from a more rational point of view (seriously "swanning around in a 4bed? Have a word with yourself)

I understand your POV Entirely. My current au pair is the same.

She gets paid above average for the area, and certainly has more "spends" than I do!

The difference with ours is, she doesn't stay in her room, she just sits in the living room on her damned Mac all day and night. (And that's really annoying hearing click click click as I'm watching TV)

I had a chat with her, gave maps and brochures. Directed to websites, my old au pair talked with her and recommended places.

Nope, she just stays in, running some kind of business we think, from her laptop.

So no advice, but lots of sympathy.

And to those saying "don't have live in help" blah blah, it's not always that simple. By a long shot.

In my situation, if we didn't have an au pair I couldn't work. Couldn't afford a nanny's prices (and frankly during school terms of would be rediculous to have a nanny for three hours a day!) And there are no child minders.

So less judgy pants.

archerer · 28/09/2017 12:18

@glitterlips1 well it kinda is- she's effectively renting her room.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 28/09/2017 12:26

It's not her house!

Maybe not technically, but it's where she lives! OP hired her to do a job - she doesn't work 24/7 so if she wants to spend her down-time in her bedroom, why not? Maybe she's saving money, or she's shy, or just doesn't want to go out in a strange place on her own?

I do struggle with people who hire live-in help, and then complain because the live-in help dares to live in! If you need your space, maybe consider another form of childcare, or if an au-pair is the best option for you, then you just need to suck it up!

You can't hire someone to work for you, allow them to live in your house as part of the deal, and then get pissed off because they don't want to go out on their days off!

WellErrr · 28/09/2017 12:27

We had one like this. Nothing would induce her to go out. Turns out she was severely depressed.

worridmum · 28/09/2017 12:35

how about you pay for a oyster card? maybe she cannot afford to do stuff or is saving all her money for something?

Or how about YOU leave the house if its bothering you so much? get your space away (as i assume you have far more money then the Au pair).

And if you are suggesting english classes / clubs /gym actully be willing to pay for it as the Au pair might be saving and or cannot afford to do things

5rivers7hills · 28/09/2017 12:37

I wouldn't mind her being in her room all the time but would really hate the situation @Kelsoooo has where they are in the sitting room 24/7

However i'm the kind of person who has to get out and do things, si it is quite alien to me. Walking is free. Mooching round the shops is free. Having 1 drink in a bar with the sport on and people watching is only a fiver.

TheSpottedZebra · 28/09/2017 12:38

Aren't au pairs supposed to live as part of the family, or has all that changed? So in a way, it IS her home too.

She's not a nanny, and not a lodger.

Viviennemary · 28/09/2017 12:38

I'd hate this too. But I've read on other threads about Au Pairs that are never in and that annoyed people to. I think that unless you've got a massive house somebody living in would be a bit of a pain for a lot of people.

Thingvellir · 28/09/2017 12:41

Make her a cuppa and talk to her, find out what she needs, build a relationship.

My current AP is a homebody, she goes out but not often. We chat a lot, I know she's happy as she is. I don't mind her being around as much as she wants, it's her home.

I've recently been helping her find volunteer work locally which she wanted to do but needed some help/advice/moral support to get it organised and put herself out there. If we didn't chat, I wouldn't have known how I could support her to make her life more interesting.

burninghigh · 28/09/2017 12:43

All those saying that it's her house too are missing the point. It's not normal to hole yourself up in a room for days on end. The role of an au pair is about light household / childcare duties but more importantly integration. They are not cheap scivvy labour.

What's her English like op? Have you enrolled her / helped her enrol in any English language classes.

Does she have any set duties? Maybe she feels she can't go out because she needs to be available for you on demand not realising that you are happy for her to leave the house.

Do you have any friends with au pairs that she could be introduced too?

She sounds homesick and won't have much money on an au pair wage so she needs to find others in a similar situation.

You need to treat her like a younger sister / older daughter for a while and help her out of her shell.

She's not renting a room off you and it's not normal in a family environment to shut yourself off from everyone with food in your room. Yuck. You'll get mice.

Oly5 · 28/09/2017 12:44

I've got the same issue. Mine is paid £110 a week (above average) so has enough money to go out and do things. Doesn't want to do a course (which we'd pay for). Insiders she's just quiet and doesn't like going out. Not much you can do OP other than ask her to leave?

Oly5 · 28/09/2017 12:45

Insists not insiders!

MargoLovebutter · 28/09/2017 12:52

What arrangement have you got with her OP? When I had au pairs, they had to leave the house to pick up the children and go to language classes. Part of the deal was that they went to language classes to improve their English. The language classes helped them make friends and not feel isolated.

I did have one very, very quiet au-pair who didn't go out at all, other than to do the school pick ups and go to language class, but she stayed in her room, apart from joining us for an evening meal and that was fine by me. It would have driven me completely nuts, if I were doing that, but I wasn't worried that she wanted to do it, I accepted that it was her choice. Although it could have been au-pair fatigue on my behalf as I had them for nearly a decade and she was about the 7th and as long as they weren't self-harming or getting drunk and were nice to my children I found it hard to muster the energy to care that much.

Graphista · 28/09/2017 12:53

As she WAS going out and now ISN'T instead of being annoyed with her I'd be concerned she's had an off putting experience. Anything from some idiot being mean about her lack of English to assault. And as pp said could also be lack of funds, depression...

How about a little compassion?

brasty · 28/09/2017 12:55

"However i'm the kind of person who has to get out and do things, si it is quite alien to me. Walking is free. Mooching round the shops is free. Having 1 drink in a bar with the sport on and people watching is only a fiver."

I love getting out and about with friends. But just mooching about by yourself like this frequently soon gets lonely and boring.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 28/09/2017 13:01

Did this girl just rock up and move into your house? Hmm

NO. You employed her, why, I have no idea because you clearly don't have a clue why she is there!

One of the most ridiculous threads I have ever read Grin

Clandestino · 28/09/2017 13:07

Any advice? Talk to her. Ask her how she is doing. Invite her for a lunch outside and have a chat with her, your son is 10 so during a weekend you can ferry him out for a playdate and then take her out for lunch and ask if you feel like there is something wrong with her.
She might have had a bad experience while walking outside, she's a foreigner so could have encountered racism and doesn't feel safe now, she could have any reason under the sun why she's not leaving the house but unless you ask her, you won't find out.
Au-pairs are normally really young girls so a bit of a support from the host family goes a long way.

NachoAddict · 28/09/2017 13:11

I hate going out when I don't have to. She might just like staying in.

RonSwansonsMoustache · 28/09/2017 13:11

So it's weird for an au-pair to want to have her space (in her room, not really bothering anyone or getting in the way) but when posters start threads saying how introverted they are, and how much they love their own company/space - they get hundreds of people agreeing with them!

So what if she's introverted and likes to be in her room? How is that bothering you? Just get on with your day as normal. Unless she's practising drums or likes heavy metal on full volume at 2am, what does it matter if she's sat in her room reading or surfing the net?

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