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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Au pair not leaving house

154 replies

Sandro09 · 28/09/2017 10:48

Hi I'm hoping someone can help me please,have had au pairs last few years always works fine but new au pair is here since august she's a very nice person initially she went out and about but now she never leaves the house I mean 24 hours a day 7 days a week it's starting to get on my nerves she stays in her room only coming out for food and dinner time I've noticed in the morning she uses about half a loaf of bread and empties half the fruit bowl its like she stocks up for her room for the day,I have one son he's 10 and plays with his friends most days she gets a lot of free time of like 3-4 days a week and we're only 10 minutes by bus to the city centre there's lots to do even in our neighbourhood and lots of au pairs living around,I feel bad that it's annoying me but our house is a 4 bed semi detached and I'd love if she'd just go for a while out of the house its claustrophobic there's loads of English classes on in the city I don't know,anybody have any advice please

OP posts:

Guiltybystander · 29/09/2017 21:04

Cunt Am I okay?
Ah, you care....

Mrsmadevans · 29/09/2017 21:08

I don't think £110 would get anyone very far these days OP and I am not having a go. Also if she eats the fruit and half a loaf a day then she isnt really doing anything bad is she ? The crux of the matter is do you like her? Does you ds like her and does she do a good job? If so then I think you need to have a little chat with her because she isnt doing a lot wrong in my eyes .

splendidisolation · 29/09/2017 21:09

@Guiltybystander

I got your back bro!

Screw these new ruling classes with their cheap imported labour.

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/09/2017 21:16

'Cheap, imported labour' being, in my experience anyway, nice middle class gals on a gap year.

TatianaLarina · 29/09/2017 21:17

I think you have to find au pairs that suit you, and one who is in 24/7 doesn't suit you.

JemimaLovesHamble · 29/09/2017 21:19

You'd expect an au pair to be like a member of the family, not hoarding food at breakfast so they can hide all day. It's perfectly fine to be a homebody but then perhaps being an au pair is not the best option?

Mrsmadevans · 29/09/2017 21:26

Do you think she is taking the food so that she doesn't need to come into contact with you OP, perhaps she has sensed you are irritated by her presence .

Goldilocks3Bears · 29/09/2017 21:35

Sherbrookefosterer - I'm feeling a bit depressed, can you please take me for lunch and Champneys? Please

DeleteOrDecay · 29/09/2017 21:37

'm really not bother that anyone thinks I'm a prude when it comes to this girl having multiple partners at the same time. I'm good with that and I think it's nasty AF.

I never said you were a prude. I do think the way you talk about someone who you employ and have a duty of care to is 'nasty AF' though. It says more about what kind of person you are than your Au-pair.

Garlicansapphire · 29/09/2017 22:13

I always worked on the principle that you treated au pairs as if they were family - and basically how I'd like my daughter treated if she were in someone else's home in a foreign country.

So on that basis I'd be concerned about her welfare - lonely or homesick, unhappy. I'd sit down and talk to her and ask her if everything's okay, can you help her find English classes to meet other people etc. I'm not sure she will be getting anything out of being shut away. It's sounds very sad.

That said, I really didn't enjoy having a stranger living in my house. It just felt like it wasn't my house. So I stopped and got an after school nanny instead. I just didn't like feeling responsible for a young person or not feeling totally at ease/free in my own house. But I know other people who have had lots of au pairs and have been very relaxed with it.

Sara107 · 29/09/2017 22:30

If she went out at first but not now I would be worried. Did something happen to her that has frightened her too much to go out again? Is she getting homesick / depressed? I think you have a responsibility to do more than get irritated with her. After all, au pairs are youare young girls who come to live with a family to learn English language and culture. If you don't want someone living en famille with you, don't get an au pair.

Queenofhindsight · 29/09/2017 22:47

I agree with PotatoSalad. How much are you paying her? It seems from what you've said, she doesn't have much money for food or going out. It seems a bit mean begrudging her taking some bread and fruit to eat for the day. Do you not include meals? How much does it cost you to provide her with half a loaf of bread per day? I would just buy an extra loaf.
I also agree with other posts, why did you hire a livein Au pair if you dont want her in your house.
I think you are being unreasonable.

Mrsmadevans · 29/09/2017 23:16

Queen OP pays the au pair £110 , tbf you cant do a lot with that much a cuppa coffee is nearly a fiver

CheeseToastie123 · 29/09/2017 23:33

Goldilocks is a nasty piece of work, £110 a week is a lot more than I have to spend after housing / bills and food, and there's actually nothing wrong with wanting to stay in as long as it's a free choice and not driven by fear, depression or anxiety. Here ends my summary

tippz · 29/09/2017 23:45

@Goldilocks3bears
Yes, a slut. She had 5-6 boyfriends in a year, three of them was at the same time. Call me a prude but that's slutty. Lovely indeed.

She was great with our family and we were desperate due to illness in the family so I turned a blind eye to her weekend shenanigans but it was a bit embarrassing when my friends had come across her on a night out and she'd been on a bender.

Hideous, vile post.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Hop in your time machine and naff off back to the middle ages where you belong.

JanKind · 30/09/2017 00:28

I think YABU. Shouldn't have employed a live in person. Wait until your kids are her age and see whether they go out . As au pairs a cheap labour, perjaps you could offer to pay for her English lessons for her?

jocarter67 · 30/09/2017 09:04

Check that she's not unhappy or depressed she could be really struggling and miss her friends and family

BigChocFrenzy · 30/09/2017 09:22

If the OP talks as she writes, the poor AP is probably hiding in her room until she finds full stops !

kali110 · 30/09/2017 13:46

Hideous, vile post.
You should be ashamed of yourself. hmm
Hop in your time machine and naff off back to the middle ages where you belong.
Ive only had long term relationships, but these posts shocked me!
How nasty. Think its good the au pair found a new family.
She had 6 bf in a year, oh no, what a terrible person

kali110 · 30/09/2017 13:47

DIdnt copy for some reason.
Wasnt dhocked by your posts tippz i completely agree with you.

KirstyLaura · 30/09/2017 16:20

Nope, it's really not that odd. She's young and has no friends or contacts. She probably 'lost interest' in those groups because she didn't meet anybody? Is she shy? We're all different, maybe she feels safe and comfortable in her room, reading, watching films and Skyping her family. It doesn't sound like she actually works many hours for you, so she probably isn't earning very much either - perhaps she's saving? Unless you want to sack her, it's tough luck really, she's not breaking any contractual agreement.

Goldilocks3Bears · 30/09/2017 19:41

Whatever lovelies - if the norm in your house is that the au pair comes home steaming every Saturday and shits herself all over your house, good for you. My au pairs can have as many lovers as they want but when she had three at a time it brought trouble to my doorstep, literally, when she got found out and one of them showed up screaming at her. Luckily the children were out but I was there and it was scary and we had words as she could have gotten hurt badly. These are young women/men far away from home and I will do everything to keep them safe but vice versa I will not accept behaviour that threatens my house or anyone living in it. End of.

kali110 · 30/09/2017 19:47

gold people can understand all that, calling someone 'a slut' no.

lozzylizzy · 30/09/2017 22:17

Read the post to DH and he said "Maybe she should pay her more"

Simple concise answer as always!

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/10/2017 05:27

A Man has spoken...

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